Awkward about CFer requests

[StiffUpperQuip]

Basically, how do you deal with favour requests that you just don't want to do without coming across as a tight ass?

Now I know these are CF requests and I shouldn't need to do them at all, but how can I say no every single without just coming out and saying, no. I don't want to. Especially as there are some extenuating circumstances.

Upstairs neighbour died quickly of cancer 6 months ago leaving wife and teen DD. I of course offered my help in the last stages, driving them to see him at the hospital, looking after their cat for days while they stayed with him and driving the DD to her work on occasion and afterwards I offered help in a "if you need anything let me know" sympathetic way. Unfortunately they've really taken me up on it! The DD(19) and mom keep expecting lifts everywhere! Like to the shops for example because dad was the driver and now they're without personal transport. Not just a simple "if you're going to the shop let me know" type, no. It's knocking on my door asking me to get up off my couch, stick my shoes and coat on, put my cuppa down and meet them at my car to drive them 350 meters to the Costcutter so they can pick up a loaf, milk, cat food and their cigs!".
My couch faces my floor to ceiling window so even with blinds, you can see me sitting there doing nothing but watching telly. And you can see my car in the car park outside my gate so it's obvious I'm in and likely not doing anything. I can't rearrange my furniture and can't keep my curtains pulled.

They'll phone and message me in an "emergency" to drive 25 minutes there and 25 minutes back to the nearest town because they "missed the bus" and need picking up. Or call first thing to say they're stuck and in desperate need of a lift to an appointment in town and there's no bus that will get them there (true in our area if they don't bother to catch the early bus).

One time it happened I conceded but said no way can I come back for pick up from the dentists as I have X to do and won't be in and she needs to get the bus or taxi back. An hour later my phone blows up and the DD knocks on my door saying mom is stuck because her "lift fell through." It didn't. I was always the lift and she never had bus or taxi money.

Now I really, really don't want to fall out with them because other than that they're great neighbours in our block of flats but I need a more solid list of excuses. I refuse to take petrol money because the second I do, it's a service paid and I don't want them thinking I owe them X rides as they've paid.

They do me favours too but it's definitely a 90/10 split with most coming from my end because I'm probably in a better situation than them. (Ie they'd borrow milk but I wouldn't want or need to ever do that). I'm expecting to be living here for at least another 20 years so good neighbour relations are a must, plus the fact they watch my dog when I need to go visit my dying mom (I can't afford a dog sitter as we're limited income and I need to save for the flights to see her as often as possible as she's terminal)

So go on. Roast me for being too darn soft and too Britishly polite to say, "That doesn't work for me". But what would you do? Really? And not in a "hard as nails, take no shit but only online behind a screen kinda way? I need to wean them off expecting me to ferry them around.

Honestly, I think the excuses are just inviting debate.

Text: "Can you pick us up from the bus stop in 10?" "Sorry, no, I can't." Then ignore further messages.

Phone call: "Can you take us to the shops in the morning?" "Sorry, no - I can't." Then ignore.

Knocking on the window "Can you take us into town?" "Sorry, no - I can't." Get up off the sofa and leave the room for a few minutes.

Once in a while, if you must, certainly. But saying "no I can't BECAUSE... " gives them a chance to say "Oh that's fine - later is okay too etc." And CF's won't give a shite that you have a bad back etc.

Also get blinds or privacy film - even temporarily until it stops.

I think ,when you pull back ,you need to be prepared for them not dog sitting for you

I'd say that's unavoidable, which is probably why so many of us have advised finding another dog sitter

Reasonable people would most likely continue with the dog care in return for some favours, but these don't sound like reasonable people ... or they wouldn't be behaving like this in the first place

In your shoes I would go with the glass of wine in hand to answer the door.
It's simple and cuts straight to the chase, you can't drive them anywhere.
Regarding texts messages- ignore. Same for phone calls, don't answer.
If they mention it say "Oh my phone was on charge, I didn't see it, if I'm not expecting texts I put my phone on silent...."

try these 2 things first.
So every time they knock take a glass of wine to the door, it's like a back up prop and ends the request right there and then.
When they ring do not answer. If they are out they can't do anything else to bother you.
Then if they knock take the glass of wine to the door.
I think this will stop them asking so much and you will find it easier than other suggestions.

I can't help but feel that even the dad wouldn't have done the trips to the bus stop, sadly they are massively taking the piss.
You probably need to have a conversation saying I don't mind helping if your really stuck but I don't want to be running you to the shop/bus stop when it's so close. It will be awkward but honesty in this case is just as awkward as making something up so I'd just do the honest approach.

You could also install "shall I answer" on your mobile - this will allow you to block them, and also their texts and if you set it to preserve your answer phone or something (can't remember what it's called) it also cuts them off - if you call when blocked, it sounds like the person has answered and lost connection immediately - so it's not obvious.

Oh, sorry, didn't get your text - you can even show your phone and it doesn't show it's blocked, but there'll be no text.

It won't stop them ringing the landline or knocking on the door, but it can help with the mobile.

Park your car round the corner and don't answer the door.

when they knock asking for a lift “not going out again today, I’ve just sat down/about to eat/just eaten/tired after a long day/catching up on work admin/going for a bath” or just “can’t just now, got plans” be brief and vague, no reason to explain yourself.
when asking to be collected “sorry can’t help with this” stay vague and non-critical about their inability to walk 100 yards. actually avoid criticising at all (smoking, laziness, cheekyness).

when asked for lift to the shops “not going shopping today, I’m going on Xday if you want to come then”

I’d avoid getting bogged down with convoluted excuses like using less fuel or medical stuff, don’t make a liar of yourself. You owe nobody an explanation, they’re neighbours they probably know how much you use your car, you don’t want to use crutches every time you leave your home.

only answer one in 6 calls/texts, or less. if they persist then shrug you didn’t notice, your phone was on silent, switched off, etc. All vague, its your phone you decide what calls you take. They’re bereaved and you’re a very good neighbour you just need stronger boundaries.

You still need to live around them so Medium Chill techniques would probably help you a lot, easy to find on google. Another vote too for the book the Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck.

At your door: "I'm afraid I'm up to my eyes with stuff tonight. I might be going to Sainsbury's sometime over the weekend and if I do I'll let you know".

"Stuff" is a useful word. It could be anything - work, repairing the Hoover, cleaning the rabbit cage, completing a tax return, making calls, bathing your dog. The benefit is if you say "stuff" you won't have to worry about having a blank expression when the following day they ask if your hoover is working now!

Calls/texts: IGNORE!

I keep picturing you as Sam in Foyle's War.

Seriously, it's just going to take one frank conversation with them then it'll be done. I really think that people who don't drive haven't a clue about how expensive and time consuming is. They just become accustom to having a driver then don't give it another thought.

When they watch your dog, they come into your place three times a day, take the dog out for walks in all weather, feed it, etc. That REALLY adds up. They probably think they're even. Plus their OH/DF just died, so they're really needy and like another poster said, replacing him with you.

I would suck it up for a bit longer. Say no to the smaller things like walking home from the bus stop a few blocks away, but keep saying yes here and there, A, to be kind to them because they are grieving, and B, why should they take care of your dog?????

Or you could put them on a schedule. Tell them when you're free to drive them somewhere (I'm going shopping on Saturday if you need a ride, etc.). Tell them the days they can count on you.

"Sorry that doesn't work for me"

Repeat as necessary.

Think of someone else who can look after your dog. Really.

Stop answering your phone.

Buy that brilliant thing for the window and stop answering the door.

Awful situation.

Thanks everyone for your ideas. I can and certainly will use many of them. Becoming an alcoholic seems to be highly recommended and to be fair I have used having a vodka and coke a few times (though it would raise eyebrows if I used it during the day and then did the school run or ran errands as I'm a SAHM and only their DD works so lifts are requested at random times )
More often than ever I have been "not seeing" texts until much later but I think using the minimal car usage for the environment or the car's making a funny noise will be used a bit more. I've been walking the school run a lot lately.

For those who have asked, there are no health issues requiring rides of just a few streets except there being no wish to carry shopping, the DD was always a regular bus user but as far as I know bus stop pick ups wouldn't have been an issue as shopping was done by the family in the car. There's no car now because they couldn't afford to keep it not being driven.
I can't hide me/my car because of the set up and my designated permit space is directly outside my house and as such, under their living room window and my floor to ceiling window, whilst a pretty feature, puts me in a fish bowl. I may consider voiles but with having a dog, pretending not to be in is noisy when someone knocks. Add to the fact that there's no back door so they would be able to see me coming and going.

I know I need to step back and I will definitely start doing so but I'm just not great at being direct as I don't wish to offend. They definitely don't mean to be CFers, they just don't realise the effort and cost that go into driving I don't think. They just see it as a quick two minute pop out in my car.

it's definitely a 90/10 split with most coming from my end because I'm probably in a better situation than them. (Ie they'd borrow milk but I wouldn't want or need to ever do that).

Ok so is it a problem if they ask to borrow milk, given you can always say no? How about keeping being accommodating with that kind of thing but cut down firmly on the lifts, citing environmental concern as PPs have said, & maybe petrol & car running costs?

How many times a week /month do they dog sit and how many times do they ask for lifts?

This is an interesting one for me because I have a recently-bereaved neighbour who is taking the 'anything we can do to help' thing we said during the illness to mean 'drive me down the high street, even though it's a 10-minute walk and I'm completely capable of walking and - frankly - need the exercise' now.

We're saying it's not convenient.

It’s so difficult being British. I’d have to sell the car and join them on the bus 🤣

They definitely don't mean to be CFers

Sorry, Quip - nobody's suggesting they're doing it in a "how can we wind her up today" sort of way, but what they're expecting just isn't normal
At the very least it's utter entitlement and thoughtlessmness, and yes that does morph into CF territory when it comes to 350 yard lifts

You didn't mention if there's any way you can get someone else to do the dog sitting ... ?

Can you just say that they need to get a driving license as this is clearly going to be ongoing.

OP - you haven't really explained the dog sitting situation. How often have they done this, for what length of time, what does it involve, and do you pay them? Dog sitting is hugely expensive. Is it possible that their help is more or less on a par with what they are asking you to do?

Though I would draw the line at collecting them from the bus stop or taking them to nearby shops.

Keep a half drunk bottle of wine in view and empty but dirty glass beside the front door "ah no sorry I've just had this"

say no.

find a paid sitter for your dog.

Op, please don't get drawn into giving them excuses. It just leaves everything open for them to argue with. Just say, "sorry that isn't convenient for me" and leave it at that. If they ask again, just repeat!!

May I suggest a two pronged approach if you still want to be seen as helpful but not quite that helpful?

Use the (ingenious) excuses listed above but also be proactive and say ‘I am going to Sainsburys on Saturday at 9. Would you like a lift?’

You are not cutting them off from help, just dictating the terms on which you will help. You are also essentially making the first move so it would be churlish of them to grumble about times or dates being unsuitable for them.

Having said that, I’m only suggesting it because you said you wanted to remain on good terms with them as you plan on staying for another 20 years. If that were not the case, you would not be unreasonable to say ‘no’ and shut the door in their faces.

Excellent advice Lang!