Awkward about CFer requests

[StiffUpperQuip]

Basically, how do you deal with favour requests that you just don't want to do without coming across as a tight ass?

Now I know these are CF requests and I shouldn't need to do them at all, but how can I say no every single without just coming out and saying, no. I don't want to. Especially as there are some extenuating circumstances.

Upstairs neighbour died quickly of cancer 6 months ago leaving wife and teen DD. I of course offered my help in the last stages, driving them to see him at the hospital, looking after their cat for days while they stayed with him and driving the DD to her work on occasion and afterwards I offered help in a "if you need anything let me know" sympathetic way. Unfortunately they've really taken me up on it! The DD(19) and mom keep expecting lifts everywhere! Like to the shops for example because dad was the driver and now they're without personal transport. Not just a simple "if you're going to the shop let me know" type, no. It's knocking on my door asking me to get up off my couch, stick my shoes and coat on, put my cuppa down and meet them at my car to drive them 350 meters to the Costcutter so they can pick up a loaf, milk, cat food and their cigs!".
My couch faces my floor to ceiling window so even with blinds, you can see me sitting there doing nothing but watching telly. And you can see my car in the car park outside my gate so it's obvious I'm in and likely not doing anything. I can't rearrange my furniture and can't keep my curtains pulled.

They'll phone and message me in an "emergency" to drive 25 minutes there and 25 minutes back to the nearest town because they "missed the bus" and need picking up. Or call first thing to say they're stuck and in desperate need of a lift to an appointment in town and there's no bus that will get them there (true in our area if they don't bother to catch the early bus).

One time it happened I conceded but said no way can I come back for pick up from the dentists as I have X to do and won't be in and she needs to get the bus or taxi back. An hour later my phone blows up and the DD knocks on my door saying mom is stuck because her "lift fell through." It didn't. I was always the lift and she never had bus or taxi money.

Now I really, really don't want to fall out with them because other than that they're great neighbours in our block of flats but I need a more solid list of excuses. I refuse to take petrol money because the second I do, it's a service paid and I don't want them thinking I owe them X rides as they've paid.

They do me favours too but it's definitely a 90/10 split with most coming from my end because I'm probably in a better situation than them. (Ie they'd borrow milk but I wouldn't want or need to ever do that). I'm expecting to be living here for at least another 20 years so good neighbour relations are a must, plus the fact they watch my dog when I need to go visit my dying mom (I can't afford a dog sitter as we're limited income and I need to save for the flights to see her as often as possible as she's terminal)

So go on. Roast me for being too darn soft and too Britishly polite to say, "That doesn't work for me". But what would you do? Really? And not in a "hard as nails, take no shit but only online behind a screen kinda way? I need to wean them off expecting me to ferry them around.

@Didshereally

I think that is a good message to send.
Get cheap nets so you have more privacy.
Have a glass of wine permanently poured.
Start ignoring your phone.

Either way you will have to harden up.

They are taking you for an absolute mug.

Start texting "it doesn't suit".

If they come banging on the door, be cool with them and "say this isn't a good time for me".

OP, either way it's woman up or suck it up.

So annoying for you💐

Just keep your phone on silent and/or ignore messages and calls. You don't have to answer. If they knock on your door grab your coat and say you're sorry but you have got to go out to do xyz for a friend urgently (go out and take dog with you for extra walk). Tell daughter repeatedly that you know of a good driving instructor and if possible get his/her card or number and pass it to her 'as you know she will be learning to drive soon'. Do this every time you see her. Park elsewhere and say car is in for servicing. And so on....until they get the message.

Just tell them that it doesn’t suit you to go out, as you’re exhausted from XYZ or you just want to relax. If you’re so worried about saying no, you could soften it by telling them that you’ll let them know when you’re next going to that particular shop and you’ll gladly give them a lift, but make sure they don’t do a detour when you’re out. If they try, then tell them they’ll need to make their own way home.

Or simply point out to them that they need to become more independent.

Just say you’ve been drinking every time they ask. They’ll think you’re an alcoholic but at least you won’t have to drive them anywhere ever again

Maybe tell an edited version of the truth. You're really stressed and feel you need your evenings and weekends for leisure. You don't mind doing the odd lift if it's planned in advance, like to the shops, but the last minute requests are cutting into your rest time.

Refuse evening favours by saying you've had wine with dinner.

Make excuses on a regular, but don't be specific. "No can do I'm busy" you don't owe them explanations

Close your blinds so they can't see what you're doing.

Park your car elsewhere.

Divert their calls.

Keep a glass by your side.

‘Oh sorry I’m not planning to go out.’ That should suffice if they want to go to the shop but if you are going you’ll let them know.

I think ,when you pull back ,you need to be prepared for them not dog sitting for you ..can you manage if they refuse to help you with the dog

OMG do they not have legs? Why on earth can't they walk 250m from the bus stop?! That's seriously taking the piss.

Buy this?

Keep a pair of dark glasses next to the door and tell them you’ve had laser eye surgery. Or a false plaster cast to quickly shove your leg into when they come round?

Seriously though, you need become un-bothered by the fact you will upset them by saying “sorry, it’s not convenient”. Because they will be upset. CF’s always are!

You say you want to live where you are for 20+ years - do you really want to still be at their beck and call in 20 years? Coz they will continue this for as long as they can. They know your a mug (Sorry!) and they’re taking full advantage. They wouldn’t do this to someone who was assertive.

You could always play it as that you’re worried about them relying on you and that you want to support them getting some independence as you know you won’t always be there to help? If you are proactive and not defensive, it may smooth relations. I’ve no idea if it will work though. Good luck!

That mirror stuff for windows is really good. We have it on our ground floor offices at work.

Do they still have the father's car?

Maybe this could solve your problem for £1!
www.therange.co.uk/health-and-beauty/health-and-wellbeing/first-aid/masterplast-hand-support?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI_Y2E97LC5wIVQrDtCh1vVQL_EAkYAyABEgIqtfD_BwE#398318

Have you any idea if that works, GreenTulips? I have an irritating visitor that often turns up unannounced.

I've found CFs very persistent and not willing to give up easily.

I needed to give a very firm 'No' then not back down despite lots of emotional manipulation. I have managed to keep the friendship but am still having to check the boundaries all the time. I'm not sure if the friendship is worth being kept sometimes.

My friend won't see her behaviour as being at fault - instead others are difficult with her or not treating her right when they won't fall in with her plans.

If they asked for a lift from somewhere as close as 350metres away I'd assume they were joking!

I think you should knock this on the head sharpish and look elsewhere for your dog care. If they are taking care of your dog, you really do owe them.

Is there a reason they can't walk such short distances? Or are they really that lazy?

This reminds me why I don't befriend people like these CFers in the first place.

The easiest requests to deal with are the "drive them 350 meters to the Costcutter" and the "maybe 250 ish meters" from the bus stop. They are the easiest because they are RIDICULOUS. @Lailaha 's response is pretty damned perfect - "sorry, I can't. I'm being more environmentally conscious and now don't use my car for trips of under a mile each way". I wouldn't drive these short distances for myself, why would I drive them for other people? TBH, surely they could already be there in the time it takes to ask you for a lift?

@Isleepinahedgefund makes a very good point too. "From their perspective, they ended up with a huge logistical problem after the father passed away. I bet he used to pick them up from the bus stop etc etc. They have come up with frankly the worst and most bizarre solution to that problem." Their solution being, to expect you to behave exactly as he did with regard to lifts. I wonder if they have ever given this any thought at all - well, any rational thought. They are used to lifts materialising (from him), and the idea of making their own way to/from places - this is still a very new thing for them. But it is a thing that they really do need to get used to. Especially, as you have noticed, when it comes to making dental appointments.

I get that you want to stay on good terms with them. Definitely the preferred option. You posted "they watch my dog when I need to go visit my dying mom (I can't afford a dog sitter as we're limited income and I need to save for the flights to see her as often as possible as she's terminal)". Two points in there - 1) your mum, and 2) finances. I think you need to raise the matter of your mum with them. They should get that you need to prioritise her, be that waiting in for calls or flying to her. I suggest you tell them that you will no longer be available to give them lifts, except when you are, say, going to the shops yourself - as at all other times, you may be called . And really, being willing to take them with you is very neighbourly.

All said, they need to become independent in their transport. I think they are defaulting to how-it-used-to-be, replacing him with you - because that's easiest, involves least thought. It's time for them to start thinking again.

As an aside - what happened to the family car? Was it sold, or do they still have it? Could they be encouraged to get some driving lessons? Or if it was sold could the proceeds be regarded as a taxi fund? I had an aunt who taxi'ed everywhere, it still cost less than running a car.

How about parking your car elsewhere for a while? That way they’ll think you’re out. Agree with pp who said you need to improve your privacy too, with window film, curtains or similar.