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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First week at new school and school Mum was already rude to me

144 replies

Cupcakes479 · 08/02/2020 02:14

Hi everyone
We have just started at a new school as we have moved suburbs (Australia). My daughter is in year 3 and has fitted in nicely and made some friends, in particular one girl who had taken a shining to my daughter.

My daughter’s birthday is in March and she wanted a couple of her friends to sleepover. We are not huge on sleepovers ourselves but got chatting to the Mum of this girl and happened to mention it and ask if her daughter was allowed. Well what a mistake that was, she was rude and completely shut me down about not allowing sleepovers if they don’t know the parents. She then went and complained to someone I know at the school that I had asked her daughter to sleep over this weekend and that she doesn’t even know who I am. She hasn’t even listened to me properly! We are decent people and my husband I both are educated and work full time (not that this should obviously matter).

I totally understand sleepovers aren’t for everyone but to be so rude about it has completely floored me. I suffer from bad anxiety as it is, and for this to happen in the first week has made me so upset.

I have tried making conversation with other parents but just feel completely ignored and have not been welcomed. All I want is for my kids to be happy and a sense of belonging to the school community.

My husband just tells me to not worry about it but it’s hard not to when he doesn’t have to do the school run everyday. I’m so tired of the school Mum dramas, the anxiety that fuels me every day, my kids friendships and being a Mum in general.

Just looking for some advice or techniques to deal with this. TIA.

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 08/02/2020 02:15

She was rude but you’re overthinking this massively. Laugh it off.

notsodimwit · 08/02/2020 02:22

She is a knob! Take no notice op Flowers

Rosehip345 · 08/02/2020 02:31

I think you’re way overthinking it. I also think it’s really hard to read people in that scenario when you’re new to it and likely already anxious about how DD will settle.
We had a similar thing about asking my DDs friend to play or to go out together (with parent) if there was an issue and it went down terribly so I just didn’t ask again. Fast forward almost a year and DD is going on her first play date with the same girl tomorrow.
You’re only a week in, I think a sleepover isn’t the best idea. I personally wouldn’t let DD go either with a family I don’t know at all. Could she not just have some sort of party? Couple of hours pamper/bowling/disco? At least then you’ll get to meet the parents too.

CassidyStone · 08/02/2020 02:32

It's early days and you picked an unfriendly arse of a woman to start a conversation with. Forget her, she's unimportant. Encourage your DC to ger involved in extra curricular activities and maybe offer your services as a volunteer in some capacity. Most DC make friends naturally so try not to overthink this.

Topseyt · 08/02/2020 02:32

I always found it best not to get into the school playground politics as some of the parents are worse drama llamas than their children. I used to just drop mine off and leave much of the time.

Don't overthink it. The woman sounds like an idiot, and not worthy of much headspace.

Original poster
Cupcakes479 · 08/02/2020 02:38

Thanks guys you are all right. A sleepover was definitely not the best thing to ask about and I definitely regretted even asking about it. I was just trying to make conversation and the girls had been so excited about potentially having one. I

I get people are very sensitive about this stuff but geez it was extreme Confused

OP posts:
Monz77 · 08/02/2020 03:10

She said she doesn’t allow sleepovers when they don’t know the parents ... I think that is completely reasonable.
So why not try again by suggesting they come over for dinner/ a bbq so the kids can play and you can all chat & get to know each other?

Original poster
Cupcakes479 · 08/02/2020 03:24

Yeah it’s not unreasonable to not allow sleepovers. Should never have opened my big mouth.

OP posts:
mnthrowaway202020 · 08/02/2020 03:47

She may have come across as rude but she was probably worried about her daughter firstly, so got in an agitated/snappy state to protect her if that makes sense? Rather than a personal attack against you

Don’t let this completely knock your confidence.

Who did she complain about you to at the school?

mnthrowaway202020 · 08/02/2020 03:50

I agree with the other’s sentiments, building friendships between your/others kids for play dates/sleepovers takes time, you can’t expect their parents to be immediately trusting. You’re decent people but you have only just moved after all, these parents have no idea who you are just yet.

mnthrowaway202020 · 08/02/2020 03:55

Also you might be trying to hard to fit in if you’re constantly trying to make conversation with others etc, maybe tone it back for a bit and let relationships naturally progress. Still be friendly and civil but don’t force conversations if you don’t need to. Again in time, things will get easier

Original poster
Cupcakes479 · 08/02/2020 04:09

Yes it’s true, I am maybe trying too hard to try and fit in. I think sometimes in conversation I get nervous and say something stupid. I don’t even know why I asked. I have to remember not everyone is as friendly as I am I guess

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 08/02/2020 04:15

She might be a parent who isn’t ready to think about sleepovers yet but she was immensely rude in her comment.

It’s week two this week. Go to your P&F/P&C meeting and meet a broader range of parents. Volunteer to help at something and they can get to know you. It will help. It does work. Making conversation at the gate is difficult but if you are slicing cake or washing dishes together, then conversation can flow more easily.

Original poster
Cupcakes479 · 08/02/2020 04:56

This lady runs the p & c Sad

OP posts:
florababy84 · 08/02/2020 05:30

As one anxiety-ball to another, I can completely relate.

Rationally speaking you did nothing at all wrong other than be perfectly nice and friendly. She overreacted (maybe she gets anxious too??). You didn't open your big mouth, you were normal and sociable so she should have responded more reasonably.

Original poster
Cupcakes479 · 08/02/2020 05:33

I just wanted to do something nice for my daughter’s birthday, but she didn’t even hear what I was saying and assumed I had meant this weekend. Now I’m worried she will “encourage” her daughter not to play with mine and bitch about it to others, because she now thinks I’m weird. Thanks for understanding.

OP posts:
Angelw · 08/02/2020 05:37

Hi OP, Most on here are saying she was rude to you but I don’t think she was. It was only the first week at the new school and you asked if her daughter could come for a sleepover? These parents don’t know who you are. You need to know these people and let trust build before asking for sleepovers.

Why did you think she was rude for saying no? I would imagine any sensible parent would say no and rightly so because they don’t know you. Your husband could be a pedophile even with his education. She doesn’t know any better and 👍👏 to her for saying it without censorship. Unfortunately for you, it Wasn’t very nice but Move on and try and get to know these parents. Plan play dates or similar and get to know these people without seeming to force yourselves on them. With time every thing will fall in place. Sorry that you feel anxious but with time it will be ok

Cremebrule · 08/02/2020 05:39

I think she is rude but it’s also a fair point and she is perfectly reasonable to not send her daughter to a total stranger. I guess it’s going to be a bit harder as you’ve missed all the younger year parties where parents have got to know each other or have a sense of the children and families. If you have anxiety you could be blowing her comments out of proportion.

Even just thinking about my own situation, my daughter doesn’t start school yet until September but I am familiar with at least 10 of the children that will be in her year and have known some of the families since I was pregnant. I’d have a very different approach to play dates/sleepovers with those than families I didn’t know.

Casino218 · 08/02/2020 05:41

She's a dick. She's not exactly trying to get to know you in order to facilitate a sleepover is she? Sometimes parents behave in much more childish ways than the kids do. I'm glad that period of life is behind me tbh!

Original poster
Cupcakes479 · 08/02/2020 05:47

Angelw

Yes I get what you’re saying but paedophiles and abusers can even exist amongst people they know well and in families. How could anyone possibly know. Her tone was rude, and I think she could have politely declined (especially having some empathy as to us being a new family)but instead she reinforced it twice, then asked me what street I lived in???

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 08/02/2020 05:48

Maybe invite her and her daughter over for lunch. Get to know each other.

Original poster
Cupcakes479 · 08/02/2020 05:48

And also the point as it was for a birthday party in late March.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupcakes479 · 08/02/2020 05:50

We also have a mutual friend who knows me and my family well (we grew up together) and is very good friends with my brother. Perhaps she could have asked her about me instead of whinging about it to my friend.

OP posts:
PickleBottomNo3sMum · 08/02/2020 05:55

From a safeguarding point of view, I hate the idea of sleepovers and still find it hard letting my DD go even now she is a teen.

However, this lady was really rude and extremely unwelcoming in her response, as she runs the p&c (think that Aussie equivalent of the patents and teachers association in the uk?) she probably thinks she runs the whole school. She sounds like a bit of a bully TBH.

I once upset the head of the PTA because she overheard me having a little rant because my daughter’s donkey ears were on the wrong way round during the school nativity show (I kid you not!). Ridiculous I know but I think I was just very hormonal at the time. She took a disliking to me because of this and proceeded to try to stare me down whenever she saw me, I just looked away whenever I saw her but if she saw me first she’d already fixed her eyes on me ready with her intimidating stare for when I noticed her. I actually chose a different school for Dd on this basis as I couldn’t deal with that crap in a daily basis but in hindsight, I wish I’d complained to the school.

If people called these bullies out in their behaviour then they wouldn’t think they’d get away with it. I’d consider having a little word with the headteacher about this, they need to know how the head of their p&c is behaving with new parents. Yes, you overstepped the mark a bit but her response was totally over the top, a simple “no thanks my dd isn’t allowed on sleepovers” would have sufficed.

Sparkle567 · 08/02/2020 05:56

I would of shut you down as well. You have literally just moved there and your already asking for peoples kids to sleep around, I’d think it was weird and would tell you no.