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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

First week at new school and school Mum was already rude to me

144 replies

Cupcakes479 · 08/02/2020 02:14

Hi everyone
We have just started at a new school as we have moved suburbs (Australia). My daughter is in year 3 and has fitted in nicely and made some friends, in particular one girl who had taken a shining to my daughter.

My daughter’s birthday is in March and she wanted a couple of her friends to sleepover. We are not huge on sleepovers ourselves but got chatting to the Mum of this girl and happened to mention it and ask if her daughter was allowed. Well what a mistake that was, she was rude and completely shut me down about not allowing sleepovers if they don’t know the parents. She then went and complained to someone I know at the school that I had asked her daughter to sleep over this weekend and that she doesn’t even know who I am. She hasn’t even listened to me properly! We are decent people and my husband I both are educated and work full time (not that this should obviously matter).

I totally understand sleepovers aren’t for everyone but to be so rude about it has completely floored me. I suffer from bad anxiety as it is, and for this to happen in the first week has made me so upset.

I have tried making conversation with other parents but just feel completely ignored and have not been welcomed. All I want is for my kids to be happy and a sense of belonging to the school community.

My husband just tells me to not worry about it but it’s hard not to when he doesn’t have to do the school run everyday. I’m so tired of the school Mum dramas, the anxiety that fuels me every day, my kids friendships and being a Mum in general.

Just looking for some advice or techniques to deal with this. TIA.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cupcakes479 · 08/02/2020 06:06

Picklebottom I think you hit the nail on the head. Especially because she is on the p & c it makes things so much more worse.

OP posts:

Didshereally · 08/02/2020 06:16

OP has said she was rude in how other mum replied and that she has made a big deal out of it.

I wouldn't have let my Dd go to a sleepover at a new family's house that I didn't know either - and mine have or go to plenty of sleepovers.

However given the DDs are fast
making friends together at school, a normal response would have been to reply that none of you know each other well enough yet but how about mums and DDs meet up for a play date somewhere (like an activity place or the park) instead? Or 'perhaps another time when we all know each other better' and leave it at that. There was no need for other mum to be abrasive about what was a kind, if misplaced, offer. The fact other mum has been unpleasant about it in her gossip to other mums, indicates she has a not so nice side.

I'd let it go OP - your DD will find other friends who also want to spend time with her (albeit it not sleepovers yet) outside school.

I'd be suggesting a walk with other school friends' mums to park on way home if they were free or a meet up they could make over weekend. But try not to be too keen as it's early days, and these things should happen naturally not forced.

You might want to Encourage DD to join an after School activity then she and you get a chance to talk to more select parents (& DDs have something in common) on pick up whilst waiting and to say you are new to area. My DCs always loved showing around new-to-school friends, because they know how lonely it can feel in a new area.

Didshereally · 08/02/2020 06:18

Sorry I worded that first paragraph badly (got up at stupid o'clock to drop DS off to his Saturday job at 5:30am)

I meant ...

OP has said other mum was rude in how she replied and that other mum has made a big deal out of it.

LahLahsBigBand · 08/02/2020 06:19

You don’t need to hang around at the school
gate in Australia so there’s no need to talk to other parents at all if you don’t want to - I don’t!! I’d not bother the principal with this sort of thing, that’s weird .

OP, don’t overthink this. Some P&C parents are rude queen bee types, sometimes they aren’t, but they don’t rule the school. You can get to know other parents through cupcake stalls, discos, music nights or whatever your school does, and avoid those who you don’t click with (and there are always some) quite easily. If you want to have a nice birthday party for your DD, ask her for a larger list of potential friends and have a cheap and cheerful play date type party in the park or something instead. Then you’ll meet a bigger range of parents and potential friends for your DD. Just take it slow.

Cluckyandconfused · 08/02/2020 06:21

The other mum was rude and unkind to speak to you like that. Being new is hard without a cliquey school community. I really hope the person they complained to at the school has your back.

Do you have a mental health care plan to access a psychologist for your anxiety?

Original poster

Cupcakes479 · 08/02/2020 06:33

Yes I already go to a psychologist but it’s a lifelong long thing, I have mainly good days now but not so good at the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cupcakes479 · 08/02/2020 06:37

Lahlahs

Thanks for your insightful post. I definitely won’t be complaining to the principal, I can only imagine the consequences of something like that. The party thing sounds like a good idea, I just didn’t want anything big this year and my daughter loves sleepovers (I don’t like them either but do it for my kids).

I think I am also rushing into things and have to remember it’s totally different to the old school we were at.

OP posts:

HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely · 08/02/2020 06:43

I'm surprised that people are defending the other mum's behavior. She sounds very rude. It's ok to not want your child to sleep over at someone's house if you don't know the parents but there's no need to be a twat about it. A less rude person would have explained that politely. A nice person would have suggested a day time playdate first so they could get to know the parents.

She runs the p&c and that's how she reacts to a new mum trying to organise a social activity with another child in the school? Wow. Shocking.

OP please don't feel you've done anything wrong. That woman was the problem in that situation, not you.

Personally I'm a "dump and run" mum. I can't stand playground politics. If my children make a friend and want a playdate of some kind then I will facilitate it and be friendly with the other parent, but I never go out of my way to try and actually befriend the other parents.

Contrary to what some people say, once they are of school age it is not a requirement for you to socialise on behalf of your child. They usually get on with it themselves if given time to settle in.

Original poster

Cupcakes479 · 08/02/2020 06:46

Thanks Homersimpson your words are encouraging.

OP posts:

Pineappleunder · 08/02/2020 06:47

In several months when your children are inseparable and you have got to know more and more people, she will look back at how rude she was to you and cringe.

Original poster

Cupcakes479 · 08/02/2020 06:48

Does anyone know what I should do going forward? I figured I’ll just back away completely but still be polite and friendly? Let her come to ya if she wants to arrange something?

Or do I apologise to her for mentioning it and that it was inappropriate for me to ask?

OP posts:

Original poster

Cupcakes479 · 08/02/2020 06:50

Pineappleunder

She does strike me as a person who would not realise how rude she was being or just wouldn’t care/lacks empathy.

OP posts:

LahLahsBigBand · 08/02/2020 06:51

I think a party that has more kids is good this time do you can meet more families. Good luck

LahLahsBigBand · 08/02/2020 06:53

And I wouldn’t go out of my way to befriend OR ignore P&C lady. Just be polite if you see her but don’t really, give her any more headspace. She’s rude and not worth it.

RhiWrites · 08/02/2020 06:53

Don’t worry if other people don’t like you. Most people struggle to like themselves.

Shake it off and move on.

ColdCottage · 08/02/2020 06:56

Things like this give me anxiety too.

Try to let it go that she didn't listen to you - this would drive me crazy, I hate being misunderstood.

See if you can speak to the teacher and suss out via then who might be more approachable to ask for a coffee so you have one friendly face at the gate.

Do try and put the other mums actions to one side. It's not your fault she cut you off before you finished. It's hers.

Witchend · 08/02/2020 07:03

I don't think she was necessarily rude. You can't really tell without the tone.

It's perfectly fair enough to say no sleepovers until she knows you. She's giving a reason a lot of people would agree with. By giving the reason she's saying it isn't personal and maybe another time.

And the complaining to another person. Op says it was one person, not gossiping around. We also don't know it was a complaint. It could have been "I saw you talking to the new girl"'s mum" "yes she asked dd to a sleepover but I said not until we know them better"
Or it could even been her feeling bad about it. "I felt really bad about saying no, but I get so anxious about sleepovers anyway."

It becoming a complaint has been filtered through two people's opinions.

AgentJohnson · 08/02/2020 07:06

You are overthinking this which is not surprising since you suffer from anxiety.

Forget the conversation but when you try to hard, it shows, friendships take time so stop forcing them.

Despite what your anxiety is telling you; no one died, your child’s future hasn’t been forever blighted and no one other than you cares.

Original poster

Cupcakes479 · 08/02/2020 07:06

True Witchend...

OP posts:

Original poster

Cupcakes479 · 08/02/2020 07:07

My daughter keeps carrying around the best friend necklace her daughter gave to her. I feel so bad.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 08/02/2020 07:13

I'm also wondering if she was actually rude, or if the simple fact she said no you deemed as rude, and if she really complained about you or simply mentioned it.

It's hard to tell, because clearly you're over thinking this and struggling with anxiety, so she could have been rude and complained, or it could have been you translated it differently to what it was due to your sensitivity,

I'd just act normal and laugh it off, she doesn't wish her daughter staying over at a relative strangers home, fair enough, and she may be annoyed that her daughter seemed to think she is going.

Just try to step back, make sure you're not trying to use the school gates as your own way to make friends, it is not, your school days are over, this is not about your kid. If you do make friends, then it's a bonus but generally these friendships if they do occur are not anything more than convenience as opposed to the real deal.

Sleephead1 · 08/02/2020 07:29

Hi op I think you are overthinking it I think the fact she said no is perfectly reasonable i would have aswell but find these things so awkward and end up overthinking them and bumbling around. I think you probably totally threw her by mentioning it so soon and she was shocked and just reacted. I find it a bit odd you say she made a complaint about you what did she actually say ? For all you know she just mentioned it too one person I wouldnt class that as a complaint. It's also Febuary now in a months time I wouldnt let my child sleep at yours even if I spoke to you every pick up and drop off as it's just not enough time to get to know someone. It's not personal at all and I know some people are ok with this but I'm not and that's ok too.I think this year a party and a sleepover party next year then you will all know each other alot better. It's important to remember we have no idea of other peoples expirience , the mum could have anxiety, she could have had a bad experience with a sleepover, her daughter may hate sleepovers, she might have had something happen in her childhood that means she not comfortable with sleepovers. You just dont know and shes not going to explain that to a school mum shes just met. Dont back away keep chatting, invite children for playdates, park visits ect but try to remember everyone is busy, they also probably have more established friendships so dont be to downcast if every offer doesn't work out. It is hard to make new friends and I can tell from your post you just want to make it all ok for her but it will take time. Dont give up and keep trying

Di11y · 08/02/2020 07:34

I'd give it til the end of next week, say oh the girls seem to be getting on well, you're both very welcome to come over after school one day and leave it at that for now.

Original poster

Cupcakes479 · 08/02/2020 07:39

Bluntness

Yes you are right about this the whole thing could have been misconstrued. But I think asking me where I lived made me think she was quite judgemental.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cupcakes479 · 08/02/2020 07:41

Sleephead...

I understand what you are saying but in saying that where was her empathy for us being new at the school? There are polite ways to decline invitations as well. She has also not made one effort towards us, in the mornings I would be the one giving a friendly smile and a hello.

OP posts:

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