First week at new school and school Mum was already rude to me

[Cupcakes479]

Hi everyone
We have just started at a new school as we have moved suburbs (Australia). My daughter is in year 3 and has fitted in nicely and made some friends, in particular one girl who had taken a shining to my daughter.

My daughter’s birthday is in March and she wanted a couple of her friends to sleepover. We are not huge on sleepovers ourselves but got chatting to the Mum of this girl and happened to mention it and ask if her daughter was allowed. Well what a mistake that was, she was rude and completely shut me down about not allowing sleepovers if they don’t know the parents. She then went and complained to someone I know at the school that I had asked her daughter to sleep over this weekend and that she doesn’t even know who I am. She hasn’t even listened to me properly! We are decent people and my husband I both are educated and work full time (not that this should obviously matter).

I totally understand sleepovers aren’t for everyone but to be so rude about it has completely floored me. I suffer from bad anxiety as it is, and for this to happen in the first week has made me so upset.

I have tried making conversation with other parents but just feel completely ignored and have not been welcomed. All I want is for my kids to be happy and a sense of belonging to the school community.

My husband just tells me to not worry about it but it’s hard not to when he doesn’t have to do the school run everyday. I’m so tired of the school Mum dramas, the anxiety that fuels me every day, my kids friendships and being a Mum in general.

Just looking for some advice or techniques to deal with this. TIA.

I wouldn't agree in Feb to a sleepover in March with parents I didnt know either.

Perhaps she was caught off guard and panicked about what to say. Or perhaps she is always rude. Either way try not to worry about it.

Yes true which makes me believe I should never have asked and put my foot in it.

I think you should act as if nothing happened, but plan a daytime party for your daughter and invite as many of her class as you can including the other girl. If you can, find somewhere that the mums can sit round for coffee and a chat too.

If one of the other mums mentions it just say yeah the girls asked so I was trying to arrange something for a couple of months when we know each other better, and leave it at that.

The thing is OP you did ask so there's no real point in going over and over it in your head. It's done and you need to draw a line under it and move on. The only thing I will say is that if there is a possibility another parent won't agree ask them before mentioning it to the children.

The mum sounds odd in the extreme, FWIW I have a daughter the same age and wouldn't want her to go to a sleepover, I think she's too young she's also a PITA going to bed and I'd worry she'd be a nightmare. But I wouldn't be rude, or complain (it isn't anyone's business is it, you didn't threaten to come and collect her anyway against the mums will 🤷🏻‍♀️) I'd just try and find a solution instead.

At that age 'pyjama parties' are good - make it 6 till 8.30 or something and then they feel grown up/ out late but they aren't sleeping over. I'd send invites for about 6 including her dd and tell her she can stay if she wants. Perhaps the mum has specific issues you don't know about, her behaviour is very very odd most people are happy that their child has a nice new friend .

Fairy Batman...

Thanks! Sounds like a good plan to me.

Teatea

That sounds like a great plan! I had not thought of that. Definitely an idea to take into consideration.

We moved areas when my DC were a similar age and everyone glared at me as though I were an alien for months. Barely anyone smiles at me when I smile at them and no one has spoken to me, this is a year and half down the line...

I think it’s a lot tougher making school Mum friends when the DC are older. They all tend to form their cliques from nursery or reception and are generally unwilling to accept newcomers. Ridiculous and petty but it’s like playground bullying. Just ignore them and don’t engage with them again.

You messed up mentioning the sleepover. But you didn't mean right that weekend.
If I was the other mum I would have politely declined and probably thought you were weird. But I wouldn't phase you out now as a complete write off.

My DD is a baby and a long time away from school. I didn't know you had to make such effort with playground mums? They all seem to be in each other business?. Very strange. I'm sure in a few years I'll understand

Hey I don’t think you messed up asking about sleepovers !!!!!
It’s understandable why she’s said no, but she didn’t have to be so rude and you didn’t actually commit a crime !! You sound lovely OP hopefully you will meet some equally lovely people too !! 😊

She really does sound like a bully. That was just bad luck, op.

I think if it were me, I'd avoid her from now on. Maybe just try to engage as little as possible with the whole school run mums situation for a while. I know you have to do it but you don't have to go out of your way trying to chat to people. Just for a while, to give yourself a break from all that. Try putting your energy into something else instead.

Schmoozer

Awww thanks!! I really am a nice person, and friendly and outgoing. I’m accepting of everyone. We do have lots of friends out of school so it isn’t all bad.

Ostrichrunning

This is exactly what I am going to, head down bum up. Be polite but focus on other things. That’s all I can do for now.

I am totally confused, I don't think she sounds rude at all

What age are year 3 kids?

I think you massively misjudged asking for a sleepover and sort of caught her on the hop. I would be really taken aback if a stranger asked me that, I would have said no we don't allow sleepovers when we don't know the family (what the hell is wrong with that?). And I wouldn't go around talking about you but I definitely would have said it to my friend at school "new mum caught me on the hop and asked for a sleepover, it made me feel very awkward"

So I think yabu, you were the rude one if anything, but not intentionally I see but you massively misjudged asking so early for a sleepover, even in March. And asking what street you live on doesn't sound judgey to me it sounds like in her head she was thinking "I don't even know where you live why the fuck would I let my child sleep at your house". I think her reaction is all down to you putting her in an awkward unexpected situation, surely you can understand that?

I don’t think she was rude either. I actually this is very strange to ask about a sleepover within one week on joining the school even if it was for a months time. My eldest is in year 2 and I haven’t allowed sleepovers yet with families I’ve known for 2 years.
Also you said she complained to someone you know at the school - was this in an official capacity or as they’re friends? I’d probably mention it to a friend as I’d think it was odd.
I’d forgot all about having a sleepover for at least the next 6 months and focus on day time / after school play dates

We moved areas when my DC were a similar age and everyone glared at me as though I were an alien for months. Barely anyone smiles at me when I smile at them and no one has spoken to me, this is a year and half down the line
This sounds like where I live
Don’t worry about it op. It’s not a big deal,you asked , they said no. Your overthinking has turned it into something bigger. I know exactly how you feel. I used to be exactly the same.

Asking for a sleepover after a week would be a lot of red flags raised, together with alarm bells fo me. It's much too intense and much too soon. I wouldn't trust you after that. I understand that you were trying but it sounds to me that the woman panicked and thought you could be a risk. In that case I can understand talking to others about it as a warning.

I actually asked if her daughter was allowed sleepovers because my daughter was thinking of having a birthday with a couple of girls over. I then said I completely understood how she felt and perhaps we could arrange a play date.

It wasn’t a direct invite to a sleepover this weekend as misinterpreted by her. In defence of myself I don’t think I was being rude at all, I think I just horribly misjudged who I was actually talking to.

I’d find it really strange someone I don’t know asking my child for a sleepover and wouldn’t be happy. Seems a bit full on to go from nothing to a sleepover.

I didn’t let mine go for play dates unless I really knew the parent and house they were going too.

Old fashioned tastingtea...

Wow. That’s a horrible thing to say.

She doesn’t sound rude, she sounds put on the spot by a very random request and reacted accordingly. Not sure why you think she should be making an effort towards you either.

you massively misjudged who I was talking to no you massively misjudged mentioning a sleepover to any parent when you are in the school one week. Look you have done it now, move on, I think you are actually the judgey one not her and calling her rude is totally unfair when you were inappropriate and put her in an awkward situation. You are mad to make her the bad guy in this scenario when if anyone is it's you, again unintentionally so at the time, but none the less trying to pass blame of any kind is unfair, I think. You made a mistake, own it as your mistake and put it behind you. Don't write the woman off or judge her for her reaction to an awkward situation you put her in.

OP, if you are feeling a bit anxious then AIBU isn't going to help.

The truth of the playground situation is that she lacked normal social skills. It's absolutely her choice to not allow a sleepover, but most people would deliver that decision with tact.

I suspect you feel emotionally vulnerable because it is a new school and in the centre of the issue is your child. You are worried for them, you are worried whatever path you take that your child will suffer.

That great quote 'speak your truth quietly and clearly' has got me through many a situation where I feel somebody has misjudged me or my actions. You do not need to win over any of these people. Their children will form relationships with your daughter in their own time. Remain open, honest, kind. Encourage your daughter to do the same. The rest is just noise.

Hope you feel better soon.

She (the other mother) lacks normal social skills that is totally unfair, you have absolutely no grounds to say that whatsoever and it is completely unhelpful to the op to say something like that

I think she sounds rude. Not because she said no but because of how she said it. However, as you say you are having some trouble with our anxiety at the moment, you might be reading more into it than was meant. So I would just let it go, try not to worry about as done is done and you can´t change it now, and be polite and friendly when you come across her. In six months time you will likely look back at this and realize it wasn't such a big deal and that you and your daughter are well settled in.