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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First week at new school and school Mum was already rude to me

144 replies

Cupcakes479 · 08/02/2020 02:14

Hi everyone
We have just started at a new school as we have moved suburbs (Australia). My daughter is in year 3 and has fitted in nicely and made some friends, in particular one girl who had taken a shining to my daughter.

My daughter’s birthday is in March and she wanted a couple of her friends to sleepover. We are not huge on sleepovers ourselves but got chatting to the Mum of this girl and happened to mention it and ask if her daughter was allowed. Well what a mistake that was, she was rude and completely shut me down about not allowing sleepovers if they don’t know the parents. She then went and complained to someone I know at the school that I had asked her daughter to sleep over this weekend and that she doesn’t even know who I am. She hasn’t even listened to me properly! We are decent people and my husband I both are educated and work full time (not that this should obviously matter).

I totally understand sleepovers aren’t for everyone but to be so rude about it has completely floored me. I suffer from bad anxiety as it is, and for this to happen in the first week has made me so upset.

I have tried making conversation with other parents but just feel completely ignored and have not been welcomed. All I want is for my kids to be happy and a sense of belonging to the school community.

My husband just tells me to not worry about it but it’s hard not to when he doesn’t have to do the school run everyday. I’m so tired of the school Mum dramas, the anxiety that fuels me every day, my kids friendships and being a Mum in general.

Just looking for some advice or techniques to deal with this. TIA.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupcakes479 · 08/02/2020 09:25

Chipsychopsy

Thank you 🙏 you made me cry.

OP posts:
MimiLaRue · 08/02/2020 09:27

I think you ned to take a breath and look at this more objectively. Yes, she was rude. You have anxiety- maybe she does too- maybe the thought of a sleepover makes her incredibly anxious and she had a weird knee jerk reaction? Maybe she had a sleepover as a kid and something awful happened to her- you really dont know what hr "trigger" could be. I'm not excusing rudeness but i think this interaction is a good example of both of you both being quite inflammatory when the circumstances dont warrant it.

Asking about a sleepover is no big deal, and declining a sleepover is no big deal- some people aren't comfortable with it and it doesnt mean they think you are dodgy or anything.

The best thing for you to do now is just drop this and act normal. Just carry on and do your own thing as you would have done anyway. If you try to challenge her or talk to others about it, it will just inflame the situation again. Let it go. Continue being your normal friendly self and i guarantee this will all be forgotten in a couple of weeks.

PickleBottomNo3sMum · 08/02/2020 09:32

FWIW if you don’t want to mix with arseholes at the school gate either just dump and run or don’t pick the most popular school in the area.

If you are lucky enough to have a choice, all those queen-bee super competitive parents who simply have to have the best for their little darlings will have their kids at the most popular school. Absolute Nightmare. It causes huge problems in the playground when said parents start organising and controlling their children’s friendships.

Near me the least popular school has the nicest atmosphere amongst the parents because they’re much more laid back and just don’t go in for that crap. You might find because of this the kids are slightly less highly attaining but that’s because they’re not pushed by their parents who generally place happy kids before progress.

february08baby · 08/02/2020 09:32

I have the same policy as the other mum - no way would my daughter sleepover at the home of someone I did not know. You say you are not long at this new school / area so I think YABU to do sleepovers so soon.

my2bundles · 08/02/2020 09:43

Try to see this from the other mums perspective . A mum who had only been at the school for a week who was a stranger to her was asking her approx 7 year old to a sleepover. I would have said no aswell. At my sins first sleepover he was 9 and I had known tne family for 5 years. If you had asked me this I would have found it strange, I would have mentioned it to other parents adwell because it is strange to ask the child of someone you don't even know to sleep over. You say you have anxiety, well this situation would give me anxiety and concern for my child. Sorry but you where completely unreasonable.

Davespecifico · 08/02/2020 09:45

What she thinks is fine, but the way she expressed it was vile. You poor thing.
I would hang fire on the sleepovers until you know everyone a bit better. Do something else for the party, but something amazing so the little girl raves about it to her mean mum.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/02/2020 09:48

No unreasonable not to allow a sleepover - very unreasonable to virtually ostracise you and (apparently) badmouth you to the other mothers.

If anyone mentions it, tell them she misunderstood and you weren't expecting anyone to let their kids stay with you until you all knew each other - you were just asking in principle (this is true - you weren't going to ask about it until March).

Then just ignore. If she's like this she'd be a dram-llama of a "friend" anyway.

Russellbrandshair · 08/02/2020 09:52

it is strange to ask the child of someone you don't even know to sleep over. You say you have anxiety, well this situation would give me anxiety and concern for my child

I agree and I would also find it weird and anxiety producing for a person I didn’t know to suggest my child sleepover at their house. It’s completely inappropriate, even if the intentions were good. OP you say you have anxiety- well so might the other mum! Why is your anxiety to be respected but hers isn’t?

fiorentina · 08/02/2020 09:52

Last week on MN there was a poster saying they didn’t want their child to have a lift home with a dad they didn’t know, and people were supportive. A sleepover is a big thing and most parents would want to be comfortable with the hosts before allowing it.

Ignore her rudeness but don’t let it put you off organising play dates etc.

TippledPink · 08/02/2020 09:53

OP you were not rude, how is asking a friend over for a sleepover rude?! Seriously.

She could have just said no, she didn't need to make it into a big deal, or gossip to others. She was rude.

ANuggetOfTheFinestGreen · 08/02/2020 09:57

Hi OP, the best way I've found of dealing with the playground dramas is to put my DC into breakfast and after school club so I don't have to deal with the playground dramas...!

My DC started at a new school in 2018 and right off there was another school mum who behaved as if I'd shagged her husband from the very first day she met me (I hadn't, promise!).

She was so rude and bitchy that even other school mums noticed and asked me if I knew her already.

I've no idea what her problem was/is still, a year and a bit later...

my2bundles · 08/02/2020 09:58

I don't see it as gossip. The other mum was confiding in a friend discussion a situation she felt very uncomfortable with. That's my take on it. It's ok for tne OP to discuss this with a group of strangers online for tne worla to see but it's not ok for the other mum to discuss with a friend her concerns for her child being added to a strangers house, really?

WorraLiberty · 08/02/2020 09:59

She then went and complained to someone I know at the school that I had asked her daughter to sleep over this weekend and that she doesn’t even know who I am.

Who is this person that she complained to and how do you know they're telling the truth?

simplekindoflife · 08/02/2020 10:02

This is just one mum and she sounds like a right drama llama. Even if she doesn't like sleepovers there are better ways to deal with it. Clearly has issues for whatever reasons so just take no notice.

Put your happy face on and don't let them get you down. Carry on organising a lovely birthday for your daughter. Maybe an evening or a day around your house rather than actual sleepover though. Invite the parents too and get socialising.

You might find out that this crazy mum is not as popular as you think she is! Wink

MimiLaRue · 08/02/2020 10:02

She then went and complained to someone I know at the school that I had asked her daughter to sleep over this weekend and that she doesn’t even know who I am

You say she "went and complained", maybe it was just casually mentioned in conversation? You are making it sound like the second you stopped talking to her, she sprinted over to her friend and told her. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle- she mentioned to her friend you had asked her but it made her feel awkward. Thats it. I really think your anxiety is blowing this way out of proportion. Plus, as a poster mentioned above- you are posting this on a public forum- so why isn't she allowed to talk to her friends about stuff?

my2bundles · 08/02/2020 10:03

was she really complaining or just confiding her concerns? There's a big difference. The second she has every right to do.

TiddlestheCat · 08/02/2020 10:16

She could have politely declined. She was rude. In time you'll probably find that she's rubbed up others the wrong way. Resist the urge to try too hard. Just stand quietly and let mum's come to you. Those who make an effort to include you will probably be the kinder nicer mum's and will make the better friends in the long term. I know it's hard and upsetting, but don't dwell on it and don't give this rude woman another minute of your thoughts.

katewhinesalot · 08/02/2020 10:16

It's not you, it her. Chalk it up to experience. Be wary of this mum in the future and forget about it.

TiddlestheCat · 08/02/2020 10:16

Mums not mum's. Damn autocorrect.

my2bundles · 08/02/2020 10:21

The problem with these types of posts is we only hear a one sided part of it which is usually exaggerated.

GetOffYourHighHorse · 08/02/2020 10:24

Oh op this is awful, she completely overreacted and sounds an utter drama queen. Yes fine she doesnt want her DC having sleepovers, she could obviously just decline politely. Ours all slept over at school friends from that age, we knew the parents as much as you can from playground chats. Some posters here will be requesting DBS and references before letting their kids sleep at friends.

Shrug it off, she's the weirdo not you Flowers

MimiLaRue · 08/02/2020 10:29

Some posters here will be requesting DBS and references before letting their kids sleep at friends

I think this is a very unfair thing to say. I was on another parent forum and someone asked about sleepovers and the amount of women who admitted that something dodgy had happened to them whilst on a sleepover at a friends house was absolutely shocking. Not only that, if youve ever suffered childhood abuse its completely natural you might be wary or over protective of your own child. Have some sensitivity- just because its not a raw nerve for you doesnt mean it isn't for other people.

my2bundles · 08/02/2020 10:31

high horse if you are ok allowing g your children to sleep over with people you only know from.a few playground chats that's up to you. Personally I wouldn't feel comfortable to do that and need to know someone really well and trustruly hem before I give them responsibility for my child over night. That's not being a weirdo it's called being a responsible parent.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/02/2020 10:34

Wow, some of you are SO over the top!
It's not like the OP wanted this child to go on a sleepover this fucking weekend, is it!

Asking if this woman's DD was allowed to go on sleepovers is perfectly ok - what isn't ok is for the other mother to go complaining about her to other people at the school! I wouldn't have agreed to it either because I hate sleepovers - but I wouldn't have been so fucking rude as to shut the OP down and then complain to others!

There are ways to behave but some schoolmums seem to revert to schoolyard antics themselves as soon as they enter the gates - we have this a lot at our school as well, especially among the younger mums, it seems, but not always!!

Bloody shame she's also P&C - but at least that means you don't have to worry about volunteering for it!

As far as the friendship between your DDs goes, see how it pans out. Her DD might not be a constant friend - make sure your DD speaks to and plays with other kids too, and try to stay positive an friendly to other people at the school still.

IF anything else happens, or you feel that you are being unfairly targeted by the other mums, it IS worth speaking to the principal, if only because it helps them to know of discord in the school yard and to cover your own back. Don't make a complaint as such unless there is a genuine need to - but just an awareness sort of thing.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you so early in your experience of this school and I hope you find some nicer people to deal with there.

GetOffYourHighHorse · 08/02/2020 10:34

'Have some sensitivity- just because its not a raw nerve for you doesnt mean it isn't for other people.'

How do you know it isn't a raw nerve for me or anyone posting?

My comments about requesting references was in response to posters like this:

'Asking for a sleepover after a week would be a lot of red flags raised, together with alarm bells fo me. It's much too intense and much too soon. I wouldn't trust you after that. I understand that you were trying but it sounds to me that the woman panicked and thought you could be a risk'

The op has said it wasn't for this weekend it was for march. Surely the other parent could just have pleasantly said 'yes the girls do get on but I prefer playdates at this age'?