First week at new school and school Mum was already rude to me

[Cupcakes479]

Hi everyone
We have just started at a new school as we have moved suburbs (Australia). My daughter is in year 3 and has fitted in nicely and made some friends, in particular one girl who had taken a shining to my daughter.

My daughter’s birthday is in March and she wanted a couple of her friends to sleepover. We are not huge on sleepovers ourselves but got chatting to the Mum of this girl and happened to mention it and ask if her daughter was allowed. Well what a mistake that was, she was rude and completely shut me down about not allowing sleepovers if they don’t know the parents. She then went and complained to someone I know at the school that I had asked her daughter to sleep over this weekend and that she doesn’t even know who I am. She hasn’t even listened to me properly! We are decent people and my husband I both are educated and work full time (not that this should obviously matter).

I totally understand sleepovers aren’t for everyone but to be so rude about it has completely floored me. I suffer from bad anxiety as it is, and for this to happen in the first week has made me so upset.

I have tried making conversation with other parents but just feel completely ignored and have not been welcomed. All I want is for my kids to be happy and a sense of belonging to the school community.

My husband just tells me to not worry about it but it’s hard not to when he doesn’t have to do the school run everyday. I’m so tired of the school Mum dramas, the anxiety that fuels me every day, my kids friendships and being a Mum in general.

Just looking for some advice or techniques to deal with this. TIA.

Tbf it is a bit weird discussing sleepovers in the first week. You should have arranged a visit for the 2 of them first to your home, if you are the type that likes regular sleepovers people need to get to know you and your home. It's not till March so I can't see why you asked now and she probably just heard sleepover and got anxious and never thought you'd be asking for a month's time.

You have to remember that not everyone is into sleepovers you need to lay ground first before you start inviting people. Also you are a complete stranger to her, I get your kids are friends but put yourself in her shoes, a new mother turns up at school, no one knows her and no one has spoken to her and the first thing she asks is for their child to go for a sleepover in their house . It's perfectly normal she declined and I would say it was shock and she said what she said. Tbh I'd be telling my friends if this happened to me.

You can make amends here and explain what you meant about it not till March and definitely try arrange a meet up before then. But keep in mind that everyone is different and some people don't like sleepovers and visiting and meeting up etc and are happy if their kids are just friends in school, maybe let her take the lead and see if she suggests anything.

Are you sure she was rude and not just very direct? I see you’re in Australia and I have found that many Australians have no time for English “politeness”, which they may see as ridiculously constrained.

It isn’t necessarily paedophiles that may worry her. I have a fear of fire so I find it difficult to entrust my own child on sleepovers.

How do you know it isn't a raw nerve for me or anyone posting

Because youre talking about DBS and references as if its completely unreasonable or OTT for anyone to actually want to know the parents for whom they are giving responsibility for their kids overnight. Your sarcastic comments are clearly making light of people who dont feel comfortable with allowing sleepovers with people they dont know well. If you do allow that, thats your choice but it doesnt make other people wrong for not doing what you do.

I wouldnt allow my kids to sleep over with someone I only knew from school run chats and I dont think that makes me some kind of weirdo- I think it means I'm taking sensible precautions. There is a middle ground between barely knowing someone and a DBS check!

She was rude and could have politely said no.

However, I'd never ask another child round for a sleepover unless I was on quite friendly terms with the parents as I'd assume most parents wouldn't want to send their dc to a house where they don't know the parents.

"Bitch about it to others"
"instead of whinging about it to my friend."

The language that you are using about her is ott.

"But I think asking me where I lived made me think she was quite judgemental."

Or wanted to ask around if people knew you.

"Wow. That’s a horrible thing to say."

Now it wasn't, oldfashionedtea was just giving her opinion. Which makes me wonder if you want everyone to sugar coat everything.

"She has also not made one effort towards us, in the mornings I would be the one giving a friendly smile and a hello."

She doesn't have to make an effort, things have to develop naturally for some people. I can't stand everyone being over familiar five minutes after meeting. Ime they fall out as quickly.

You expect others to fit what you want without accepting their individual personalities.

You don't know this woman's history, she might have reason to be cautious.

Also being head of the P&C means that she's done her safeguarding courses and has to be working in that mode.

I think you've expected too much too soon and perhaps struggle when people state their wants, with dressing things up.

'Personally I wouldn't feel comfortable to do that and need to know someone really well and trustruly hem before I give them responsibility for my child over night. That's not being a weirdo it's called being a responsible parent.'

You misunderstood. I didn't call the parent a weirdo for declining the sleepover I called her a weirdo for her ott reaction. Just say no thanks, there's no need to make the op feel uncomfortable for asking.

Was she really rude or just didn't beat around the bush to say that it wasn't an appropriate request?

It is odd to suggest a sleepover after only a week and comes across a bit like trying to push a friendship.

I agree you are most likely taking this too much at heart. Relax and let things happen naturally. The more you push for something, the more people will feel suspicious. It takes time to build new friendships and feel at home somewhere. Don't expect too much too quickly. I'm sure in a year's time, you'll laugh it off with that same mum!

"Also being head of the P&C means that she's done her safeguarding courses and has to be working in that mode."

What safeguarding courses would those be then?

You misunderstood

So why all the snark about DBS checks then?

It wasn't an OTT reaction. If someone I didn't know asked if my child could sleep at it house I would have reacted the same way. In that I would tell them why I declined and I would confide in a friend.

tbh I think if someone I've never met before suggested my child go for a sleepover, the first time I had spoken to them, I'd be on the defensive too. Even if the sleepover wasn't due to happen until next month, I'd still find it a bit much.

Don't overthink it OP, I know you were just trying to fit in. Don't take it personally.

Only on MN do people put the OPS snowflake feelings before other parents reacting in a way to protect their own children.

*Old fashioned tastingtea...

Wow. That’s a horrible thing to say.*

I don't mean to be horrible but I was raped as a child and maybe because of that I am very careful. You don't know this woman or her history (and even if you did you might now know why she is acting all alarmed). I'm just explaining what my reaction would be, and that is one of alarm. I know you mean well, otherwise you wouldn't have posted here but to her you're a stranger who just saw her child for all of two seconds and starts talking about sleepovers. So yes, in her shoes I wouldn't trust you. Can you try and see the other side?

@ThumbWitchesAbroad
"What safeguarding courses would those be then".

What constitutes abuse. Who is at risk. What the risks are and how to minimise them etc etc. I'm sure you know already.

Not letting 7 year olds sleep in anyone's house who asks, would be on there.

Basically you went up to a stranger and said: hey maybe we can arrange that I and my husband have all night access to your kid in a position where you can't protect her. But don't worry it's not till next month.

So what courses are they then? I haven't been on any. I've been on P&C for 7 years now.

She was stupid and insensitive, there are ways of saying things and she doesn't know that - then to go and complain about you when let's face it, you only asked!

Maybe a blessing in disguise. Do something else for daughter's birthday.

hope you do meet up with some better people soon.

So many OTT responses! You didnt storm up to her and demand her child come for the weekend fgs. You were chatting and asked how she felt about it in a couple of months. Cant see any problem with that. That is how friendships start, by then doing play dates and getting to know others.
How do you know she then went and told someone else? You did nothing wrong, try not to overthink it. You have just had your first dealings with Queen Bee that's all.

But she didn't start with the playdate, she started with the suggestion of a sleepover. And "it's not till march" is bullshit, it's february now, it's not like next year.

This is how pedo's work, they test the boundaries first. The other woman might know that/have experienced that.

And yes to the question of why OP's adult hurt feelings are more important than the safety of a child?

OP, you don't know the other mother's history/experiences - she might have good reason not to be keen on sleepovers and might have come across as abrupt because it brought something up for her.

I would think it odd if I had just met someone and they asked if my DD could sleep over at their house without me too. And I think I would find it odd that you would ask virtual strangers as I think it would occur to most parents that other parents might not be comfortable with trusting a stranger with their child overnight so soon after meeting them.

You say you're a nice person and you and your husband are well-educated professional people, but that doesn't preclude you or someone you know from also being a risk to children - it's not about what you know you are, it's about what someone who doesn't know you from Adam thinks you could be and whether it's worth risking her DD's safety to be polite.

I think you're missing the point that the other mother was making - she's not basing her refusal on her judgement of you personally, because she doesn't know you personally, and that is exactly her point. You're still practically a stranger to this woman and I wouldn't leave my young child overnight with a stranger on the basis they're probably fine as they have a professional job.

As oldfashionedtastingtea said, the fact that you're new to the area and the first time someone is invited to your home it's for a sleepover without the parents would raise alarm bells for me too so I understand the other mother's reaction. I'm not saying you are dodgy of course, but it's the lack of awareness that this might be an issue for other parents that makes it a bit of an odd choice for a first party.

You say you have anxiety yourself - would you be ok with sending your DD to someone else's house overnight when you hadn't even been there before and don't actually know the parents?

As PPs have suggested, it sounds like you're trying too hard to rush things to fit in and I can see why people would mistake your anxiety about settling in with something feeling a bit off. Parents will trust their instincts when it comes to their children and that is absolutely their right.

I'd agree with oldfashionedtastingtea. Alarm bells and red flags would be going off all over tge place for me, if a parent I had just met, was suggesting a sleepover, even if it was for next month (which is, as other posters pointed out, only a few weeks away).

The main reason for the red flags, is that if a parent were asking about a sleepover, even innocently, they wouldn't have given a second's thought to how I or my child might feel about such a thing.

If you arranged a sleepover, you would know who your child was with at all times, they would be in their own home with you there. Her child would be in a new place (she doesn't even know where that is, given she asked where you live), with people neither she nor her child really know.
On a sleepover, a parents has to trust that the adults in the house their child is going to will ask in their child's best interests, not just do whatever the host child would like. The OP hasn't shown they would do this.

You've asked her to put herself and her child in a vulnerable position, less than a week after meeting her, without any consideration of her and her child.

Maybe look at this from a different point of view. How many parents have you met at the school that you would readily agree to having your child stay at their house? How many parents are there that you would agree to sending your child off with, no idea where they love, their family situation, etc. My guess, probably very few, if none.

As for the suggestion that she could have checked with people who are friends of family, that is ridiculous. I parent my own child. I don't agree to things I'm not happy with, just because others say it's okay.

Cupcakes, I’m sorry this woman was rude to you. Too bad she heads the P&C, but that’s probably because she is a control freak. Also, are you English? She may just be prejudiced; it’s horrible but not uncommon.

I would just be bland and pleasant, and encourage dd to get involved in school groups and other local activities to build up her social networks.

I hope this nasty incident doesn’t prey on your mind. She’s not worth a moment of your time.

Are you making friends yourself in your new area? They don’t have to be connected with the school. I hope you’re meeting friendly people and settling in

To those berating OP: she mentioned a sleepover too early in the acquaintance - she wasn’t trying to drag this woman’s dd into her car or offering her cocaine! Really, all it needed was to say no, politely. Too many drama-llamas ...

She’s a total knob. Its understandable not to allow sleepovers. Cool. But to go and complain about it? The situation should have been: ‘sleepover?’ - ‘No sorry not until we know parents, later on possibly. How you guys settling in?’

How hard is that?

Any return to this from her or others just ask bewildered like it’s a total non issue you haven’t even thought of since.