First week at new school and school Mum was already rude to me

[Cupcakes479]

Hi everyone
We have just started at a new school as we have moved suburbs (Australia). My daughter is in year 3 and has fitted in nicely and made some friends, in particular one girl who had taken a shining to my daughter.

My daughter’s birthday is in March and she wanted a couple of her friends to sleepover. We are not huge on sleepovers ourselves but got chatting to the Mum of this girl and happened to mention it and ask if her daughter was allowed. Well what a mistake that was, she was rude and completely shut me down about not allowing sleepovers if they don’t know the parents. She then went and complained to someone I know at the school that I had asked her daughter to sleep over this weekend and that she doesn’t even know who I am. She hasn’t even listened to me properly! We are decent people and my husband I both are educated and work full time (not that this should obviously matter).

I totally understand sleepovers aren’t for everyone but to be so rude about it has completely floored me. I suffer from bad anxiety as it is, and for this to happen in the first week has made me so upset.

I have tried making conversation with other parents but just feel completely ignored and have not been welcomed. All I want is for my kids to be happy and a sense of belonging to the school community.

My husband just tells me to not worry about it but it’s hard not to when he doesn’t have to do the school run everyday. I’m so tired of the school Mum dramas, the anxiety that fuels me every day, my kids friendships and being a Mum in general.

Just looking for some advice or techniques to deal with this. TIA.

Sounds like she’s the one with anxiety!

Look, you know the sleepover thing was premature. You can also rationalise that if she’d asked you your reaction may have been similar (minus the extended dobbing you in.

Two choices now: ignore and overcome or curl up and die. Get you big girl pants on and chose the first.

I am so sorry for your upset because I can see you just wanted to be friendly.
Before I let my 7 year old sleep over I would have needed to know, not necessarily in that order:
:
1 no dodgy people in or aver visiting the house
2 no potentially dangerous dogs
3 clean and hygienic house
4 non smoking house
5 parents not likely to be drunk
6 child knows adults and feels very comfortable with them
7 parents will ring me if child is upset
8 parents will cope as I would wish if child is sick or wets bed or has nightmare
9 parents think as I do regarding films, phone use, drinks and snacks

You see so many things and 7 is so little. You need time to build up this kind of trust and knowledge in people.

Hi op I'm sorry you feel she wasnt compassionate to you. I will be honest I'm not great if put on the spot but I'm the other way and rather than being direct when this happened to me I just sort of went all daft and awkward and I'm sure I just half giggled. I then felt awkward and totally over thought the whole thing worrying if I offend them ect. So I then had to have the conversation again were I just said my child had never slept anywhere and wasnt ready. We do lots of playdates, go out as families ect and that works really well. I am more overprotective than them and they probably do thing I'm over the top but we all get on well.The reasons I said were true but their are other reasons my son co sleeps and I have trust issues due to two things one being an accident were he was badly hurt at school and the other a incident when I stayed at a friends house as an older teen I was actually 17 so in no way a child but I was asleep when it happened. I cant really explain that to people without it seeming like I dont trust them. I can just imagine her being thrown and just reacting in a bit of a panic. Please dont let it put you off in a few months your daughter will be settled and you will be more comfortable.

I found that some mums can be so bitchy and love starting a drama. Don’t let her get to you. However, when she is with a group of other mums I’d go over and correct her on her misinformation. She sounds a twat.

Just arrange a meet up with the mums and kids so you can get to know each other.

I don't think you have done anything wrong and hopefully not all parents will be as sensitive or rude as this mother.
Keep being friendly to the other parents, keep smiling,and maybe try to chat about how other children celebrate their birthdays.
Try not to over stress about things you really cannot control, although I know that's easier said than done.
As you said, your daughter is making friends,so to some extent you have to let her get on with that on her own, just supporting where you can.
Try to be patient and give it time, you will eventually feel as though you've lived there forever, you'll probably look back on this and wonder why you worried so much.
Best of luck to you and your daughter 😊

OK, there's no way i would let my child sleepover at anyone's house if I didn't know them, regardless of their education and work status! I would think it was a bit crazy to even suggest, and that might inadvertently come through on my facial expression but I would politely decline. If she went off on one then she's a cow and you shouldn't give it another thought! You don't need friends like that. Also if your girl is into sleepovers, it's probably a good idea to get the dad involved in school a bit more because I'd definitely be more inclined to allow it if I knew both parents pretty well.

1. she's a rude ass.

2. tea party is more appropriate.

3. only go to the school long enough to drop off and pick up: 5 mins in, 5 mins out. That will minimise the time you spend there and hopefully stop you getting sucked into drama.

4. you don't need to be friends with the other mums. Being friends with mums makes zero difference to your kids having friends. Just be friendly on contact.

5. find hobbies if you are not working: gym, walking, volunteering, work in school hours or work from home.

Bottom line; stay away from the school gate mafia and find friends unrelated to the school. Your anxiety will thank you for it.

YANBU and this crap won't change.

She was very rude.

There's no ifs or buts. The mother should have said she would like to know you better and maybe invited you over. She lacks self confidence and likes to set up a bullying atmosphere. You have been saved from a monster, keep away from her. And leave your anxiety out of it. Don't be bullied.

"Yes we do sleepovers sometimes. Perhaps we should meet up to get to know each other as obviously we don't let them stay with people we don't really know. Do you think your dd would be up for a play date?"

See, a nice reply isn't that difficult is it‽ Even if the op shouldn't have mentioned it so soon in some people's eyes.

I think I would try to speak to her again, apologise for getting off on the wrong foot but say that you understand why in retrospect and sorry for jumping the gun a little.
I’d say that it seemed like our daughters are getting on very well and which is lovely to see as (her daughter) seems such a nice girl and leave it at that.
Then wait a month or so and see if she would like to accompany her daughter to the park/play date/ cuppa round yours and see how it goes?
Totally get anxiety I’d probably land myself in it too, I also would over think, but I’m not scared to call someone out for blowing it all out of proportion either or apologising for being slightly forward. Even though genuinely you have not much to apologise for, sometimes it helps build bridges or at least open dialogue.

I genuinely think you just caught her totally off guard and she’s obviously, as I would feel, deeply protective.

Yes can see that she doesn't know you but no need to be rude. In the UK there is a programme called Motherhood. (I think) It's hilarious as it's all about playground politics and types of Mum.

Deep breaths, @Cupcakes479, deep breaths. Try an afternoon tea party with some of your DD’s newfound friends in March and you’ll be fine. Don’t let this one overreacting mum get you down. Be your kind self and I’m sure everyone else will be kind back to you.

Some classes have friendly mums. Some are very unfriendly. Sounds like yours isn’t great.

Making friends is a weird and delicate thing, if you’re too friendly it definitely puts people off. I’ve made this mistake often myself - like you perhaps, I’m very enthusiastic and quick to say “let’s have coffee! Let’s do a play date!” More reserved / less friendly people seem to react badly to this. Ah fuck em.

Maybe back off a bit and let relationships evolve more slowly. Help out with cake sales or whatever volunteering is required where people can get to know you without the intensity of pickup.

And write off that mum, she’s a bitch. Ok to not want sleepover but not cool to whinge about it.

I would suggest the child coming for tea even with her and you both could have a brew together and get to know each other.

I steer clear of ALL the school mums accept one who I'm very fond of but I only see her one day a week as she works full time.
Just be polite, smile and say good morning in passing - this is what I do if I accidentally make eye contact with anyone else while standing on the playground - and leave it at that.
Dont overthink this OP - the mum is an idiot to get on her high horse about you suggesting a sleepover. She could have easily said thank you but no.
Hood luck x

She was being weird and over protective, not you. Don't stress it. This weekend I did a sweet 16th for my daughter where we took 9 of her friends to DC (3 hours away) for a weekend of museums etc, and most of the parents just wanted to talk on the phone to see if we sounded trustworthy for such a long birthday party. 1 mother insisted she was coming, booked herself a hotel room and announced she was chaperoning the boys room. We thought that was a bit weird... who just demands to be able to attend a weekend away and takes control of half the kids? We had two adults, and these aren't little kids.

It all worked out fine. Hopefully this woman you are dealing with will come round and realise she over reacted. Keep being the bigger person and remain pleasant. Some parents never let their friends go anywhere. Its not about you or your party idea, it's just their way.