Partner and csa payments

[Justaquery88]

Ok so before I get flamed here is the background

My partner has an 11 year old daughter with ex she has remarried she earns 40k and her husband around the same. They holiday three times a year money is not short at all.

We have three kids together and partner has to pay csa £300 a month but we are in a very bad financial state atm. His ex says he only has him one night a fortnight this is not true but without a court order to prove she’s lying csa won’t listen.

We are in debt can’t afford luxuries for our own three no holidays in a few years. If we pretended that we broke up he would have to pay me csa and his payments to her lowered.

Morally yes this is wrong but she is not a nice person to us at all

Legally where do we stand? No we won’t be claiming benefits or anything like that just csa which he will pay me
And I’ll put into the family joint account

quite unfair that we don’t have £300 for our three kids spare at the end of the month but the ex gets it for hers.

HIS child. The child is theirs, not just hers. They made that child together. You are massively unreasonable. Rude. And very obviously bitter and jealous and can’t manage your own finances. Poor child to be in the middle of this.

Great thread!
Dubai, twins, attacks on mnetters education - it's got it all!

And who chose to have extra kids? His first child didn't.

^^ this

Btw is entirely irrelevant what these women you speak of think - its not them whos responsible for paying it. You do know men can make their own decisions, right?

Of course. Disingenuous to suggest that it is nothing to do with their partners when we have one posting about how to reduce her partner’s payments. No shortage of women prepared to stand by men who don’t support their children. OP seems to have taken that a step or two further.

But there is nothing op can do about it other than actually leave him. The cms wont speak to her. She presumably doesnt control his bank account or his mind.

Supporting a dead beat dad is one thing but its entirely different pretending that the non payment of maintenance is the fault of women. Women who have no financial responsibility for the children.

Its up to men to pay. Its their decision. Its their responsibility. Stop pretending its not.

Its actually a very sexist view i think.

God ppl on here can be bitchy the op is asking for advise about her issues ie they are in a financial problems her mil died who cared for her kids so now have to pay for childcare which is a unexpected expense so are getting into trouble. Op how old are your kids and childcare costs will go down soon can you cut back of stuff food tv packages phone packages ect second hand clothes ect until they start school you really need to sit down and work out everything can one of you swap shifts so less child care costs

Supporting a dead beat dad is one thing but its entirely different pretending that the non payment of maintenance is the fault of women. Women who have no financial responsibility for the children

Thousands of dads (and I am sure plenty of mum’s as well) are supported by new partners, family members, friends and colleagues to screw over their children as a matter of course. Few of them are quite so open as to look for mass approval online.

At no point have I said maintenance is the responsibility of women. Not accepting such men in your life and not actively supporting them to not support their children is everyone’s responsibility. Time we stopped pretending it’s a private issue and started calling out non-payers on their piss-poor behaviour.

Fuck all sexist about that at all. Pretending women have no part to play in this when we have someone actively seeking ‘advice’ as to how to screw over her partner’s child should be far more worrying to us as a society.

The child

So you say you have her over Christmas but she spent Christmas in Dubai and went to Florida in the summer

Bla bla bla its everyone elses fault. No. The only people whos fault it is are parents who do not pay.

Its sexist and insulting to blame it on women.

Your attitude is just as worrying.

Her earnings and household income are completely irrelevant. And frankly none of your business!

Going by what you’ve said here I’ve gone on the cms calculator and worked out your partner earns approx £38000 pa himself.

Hardly small change!

Are you working?

“but we are in a very bad financial state atm.” Why? What’s caused that?

“Has everyone missed how the ex lies about contact in order to gain more money from the dad?” Nope! What we’ve not missed is the op DEFINITELY is the type of person to lie/consider committing fraud and its only their word we have that the ex is lying! I know who I’m more inclined to believe!

“This year due to family circumstances changing beyond our control extra childcare payments etc has screwed us financially” but that’s NOT outwith your control that’s entirely due to YOUR decision making in having more children you claim you can ill afford despite a household income of £71k! You’re taking the piss!

How much do you both spend on YOUR 3 dc every month?! I’m willing to bet it’s a damn site more than £1200 when you take into consideration ALL the costs of having a child.

I’ll also bet she’s spending more than £600 a month on the costs of raising her too! Hell I was on benefits and a tight budget raising dd after I split from her dad and I certainly spent more than that per month on dd (allowing for inflation)

It’s not about the child being “deprived” it’s about the child being supported equally financially by both parents AND it’s about treating his ex as his co-parent fairy regardless of what he thinks of her personally.

Absolutely despicable that you’re (both of you!) trying to wriggle out of paying the BARE MINIMUM required by law.

“My partners mother died and she looked after our children”
Nobody should ever assume that free childcare will always be available. I find it seriously hard to believe that on your income you cannot afford childcare!

Maybe you need to downsize? Moving house is the biggie and perhaps not practical but you could certainly cut back in other areas. Cheaper cars, cut back on household bills etc

Your mil dying and that meaning you no longer have free childcare is absolutely nothing to do with his ex or his child from that relationship.

That’s his and by extension as you’re together your problem.

Jesus I would LOVE to see your soa! I bet I could save you hundreds in mins and it wouldn’t include cheating on cm!

Wow! And after the post at 1933 I am really hoping this poster isn’t genuine and is just a gf! Reported!

@Mrschainsawuk they should not have had more children based on the fact that MIL would be caring for them. Family childcare is not a given. If you want to have more children, do so on the basis that you will have to pay for the childcare.

waxon so only rich people should have babies then yeah?

getyour not at all. But don't have children expecting that free childcare will be available to you and then moan that you can't afford luxuries for your children when that gets taken away.

Your boyfriend (not legally a family) needs to control his fertility, he can’t cope with the sheer number of people he has bred, so needs urgent contraception or vasectomised. He must pay for his lifestyle choice to produce so many offspring, which is something people consider when having unprotected sex. His past girlfriends incomes are not your concern.

Op, your idea is risky and very likely will cause you stress and won’t work. I really advise you not to go down that road.

I hope you do manage to get the reduction based on the correct amount of nights he has his child. She’s being selfish and dishonest and as it stands she is the only one in the wrong with the current cms claim. I hate how an rp can just lie like that.

I hate that when dsd comes to see us we can’t do anything fun it’s boring all the time for her.

You shouldn’t have to feel like you have to do big expensive things when she’s with you. If she’s bored she will just have to find a way to entertain herself like lots of other children in normal families do.

My DF had 2 children with my DM. They split when we were very young. DF remarried and had another 2 children. When his 4th child was born he stopped paying anything to DM for our upkeep though continued to see us.

I didn’t know until I was an adult that he stopped paying and am disgusted with both him and his DW. His justification to DM was that he couldn’t afford it and she was managing fine.

From the outside that was the case, her BF had his own business, they bought a big house and we went on 2 fancy holidays, the only 2 we ever went on, but an enormous deal, particularly at the time when holidays every year weren’t common to every family.

The truth was the BF was up to his eyes in it, he was abusive and hid his true financial situation from DM. Her financial connection with him plunged her into a financial hole and we had to hide in the house while bailiffs banged on the door looking for him.

But you know, at least DF, his wife and his new kids got to live a comfortable life and have holidays and lovely things without the inconvenience of paying toward the upkeep of two children already in existence before they made the decision to have more.

Your family will have a whole lot less if one or both of you are in jail for fraud or at best paying off a large fine.

My dp has been paying for his child for 11 years always what he is supposed to by csa his ex has lied for those 11 years to line her pockets. If not then she would be honest about how often he has her.

As I have said I was asking a question attacks on my character we’re not needed imo. A simple no that wouldn’t be right because of a, b and c would have been suffice. Telling me I shouldn’t have had children not very helpful. Calling me name not very nice but I said one comment and it shows I am
A cunt apparently.

Honestly where do you people get off on these high horses there is never a civil debate on mumsnet it always descends into name calling. I was accused of drip feeding yet all I did was answer peoples questions when asked.

As I said it was a thought! Not an action

By all means have the CS adjusted to account for the time you have DSD. I don't think anyone on the thread has an issue with that.

But surely you can see why some have been riled up on this thread by your initial suggestion of benefit fraud, and suggesting that other PPs should have gotten a better education if they want to earn more.

Telling me I shouldn’t have had children not very helpful.

I’ve got to say, this really makes my eyes roll when I see people say this on any thread.

“You shouldn’t have had children”

It’s so rude and I can’t believe people actually say shit like that. Basically saying a person’s children shouldn’t exist.

You can advise a person not to have any further children. But I think it’s really rude to tell someone they shouldn’t have had the children that already exist.

I don't agree with the child's mother lying about the number of nights she's with you or threatening to use her as a weapon if you challenge that - she's pretty vile for suggesting that.

However, your solution is not any better and you seem to be blaming her for things that really aren't anything to do with her. That 300 does not go far towards paying for the expenses of a child, your DH will have a lot more than that left after it's come out of his paycheck, won't he? Even if CSA were calculated on the amount of nights his daughter actually stays with you it would only be about 20 a week difference. It just seems so much because maintenance is such a small part of what a child actually costs so it's a big percentage of what he currently pays, but it still won't be coming close to covering half of what her mother is spending on her.

You are comparing the lifestyle of someone who has one child of 11 compared to your struggle of 3 children under school age and a child of 11 (who you apparently don't spend much money on). That's kind of the issue with young children - they cost a fortune. And while I don't think it should be that way I don't think screwing over another woman to try and make things easier is reasonable.

Just think how you would feel if he did the same to you - split up and went off and had children with another woman leaving you to bring up your three on, probably, about 300 a month from him? What if he then split up with that woman so he could lower his payments to you? What sort of many would you think he was then?

My ex wanted me to stop csa, when mine were younger requested by his mrs. Told him no, he then said I will give up work. I said go ahead do it.. Guess what he never did.

He didnt have any other children to pay for.

You already know its a bad idea.

By all means have your partner provide up to date information so the payment is more reflective of the circumstances.

Actually, I don't think I've seen you mention - what's his take on it all? Is he even wanting to change it?