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Original poster

Partner and csa payments

543 replies

Justaquery88 · 07/02/2020 16:21

Ok so before I get flamed here is the background

My partner has an 11 year old daughter with ex she has remarried she earns 40k and her husband around the same. They holiday three times a year money is not short at all.

We have three kids together and partner has to pay csa £300 a month but we are in a very bad financial state atm. His ex says he only has him one night a fortnight this is not true but without a court order to prove she’s lying csa won’t listen.

We are in debt can’t afford luxuries for our own three no holidays in a few years. If we pretended that we broke up he would have to pay me csa and his payments to her lowered.

Morally yes this is wrong but she is not a nice person to us at all

Legally where do we stand? No we won’t be claiming benefits or anything like that just csa which he will pay me
And I’ll put into the family joint account

OP posts:
araiwa · 08/02/2020 06:16

Collect evidence of how long she stays with you and with this look to legally change the payments. Not that it will.make much difference

Sotiredofthislife · 08/02/2020 06:30

Honestly where do you people get off on these high horses there is never a civil debate on mumsnet it always descends into name calling

Did you read your comment about someone earning less than you?

You didn’t come here for a civil debate. You expected wholesale approval of your plan to reduce maintenance for your DSD. I don’t think you understand why you didn’t get the approval.

If your relationship were to break down, would you expect to receive maintenance paid at the legally enforceable rate? Do you consider it reasonable for your ex to have three more children and then whoops, ‘split up’ with his new partner?

conduitoffortune · 08/02/2020 06:52

My dp has been paying for his child for 11 years always what he is supposed to by csa his ex has lied for those 11 years to line her pockets.

Line. Her. Pockets.... GrinGrinGrin

YgritteSnow · 08/02/2020 06:57

@Graphista on a previous post OP says she works, between them they earn over £70k...

Luckystar20 · 08/02/2020 07:05

Youre story changes all the time you have them christmas but then shes away in Dubai I suspect you dont have her as much as you say you do. As for the comment on lining her pocket come on Biscuit it so disgusting how these women exist who think their partners shouldn't have to 'line their partners pockets ' or ' what you giving her money for'. Would be totally different however if you did actually split with you're dp. Be thankful it's not like america where if you dont pay you can be imprisoned.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 08/02/2020 08:10

Be thankful it's not like america where if you dont pay you can be imprisoned

Except they are paying so whats your point Confused

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/02/2020 08:50

Utterly wrong. His choice to go onto extend his family size and add three more children to the mix. Now both need to step up financially if it’s a struggle be it more hours, second job etc.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 08/02/2020 08:54

Now both need to step up financially if it’s a struggle be it more hours, second job etc

Such a practical well thought out suggestion Hmm

Sotiredofthislife · 08/02/2020 09:33

Such a practical well thought out suggestion

So what do you suggest? I’ve been single for 11 years and have supported three children single-handedly during that time. If I were to moan about my lack of money, I would be told to improve my work prospects and stop expecting everyone else to pay for children I shouldn’t have had, Funnily enough, I work full time and have a couple of additional sidelines which I make work for me. If I can manage it, with no family support, it’s hard to see why two able-bodied, educated people can’t up their income between them. Think outside the bloody box a bit.

funinthesun19 · 08/02/2020 09:54

If I were to moan about my lack of money, I would be told to improve my work prospects

Funnily enough a few of us suggested an ex wife on a different thread gets a job and we were accused of being misogynistic. Grin

getyourarseoffthequattro · 08/02/2020 10:27

sotired

Errrr what ive already suggested??? Hmm

luckylavender · 08/02/2020 10:32

Go back to court. And support all 4 children.

GimmeTheSnacks · 08/02/2020 10:36

but if it costs her £300 a month to look after her child then where are we supposed to get this £900 to look after our three. what?! Only £300 of his salary goes towards his first child to contribute towards housing, feeding and clothing her etc. The rest of his whole salary goes towards his 3 other children.

Oh and the calculations are the absolute rock bottom bare minimum.

funinthesun19 · 08/02/2020 10:45

The rest of his whole salary goes towards his 3 other children

Actually it will go on his own household bills. I highly doubt he ring fences £900 for child related costs for his other 3. At least his first child gets £300 specifically for them.

As a side note. Some nrps only pay the maintenance because they have to. What makes you think they’re going to willingly throw the rest of their money at their second children when they don’t technically have to because the law doesn’t force them?

mummmy2017 · 08/02/2020 10:49

I think you are confusing their wages and life style, with your DH paying maintenance.
The mother does not ask you to pay for her DDs extras, and you knew he was a father already, so you always knew he would be paying for the child he already had.
Once his DD leaves school all his wages will be family money once more, you just have no choice till this point.
Legally I doubt if the extra days you have the DD will make much difference.

GimmeTheSnacks · 08/02/2020 11:00

Actually it will go on his own household bills. What about the bills for his first child? Do you not think he should contribute something towards her house/food/clothes?! I say this as someone who's step son lives with us most of the time. His mother still thinks she shouldn't contribute to his upbringing at all but can't be arsed to share care either. We're over the moon to have him so much, I still think we should receive maintenance though.

OP would your partner go for shared care of his daughter?

EL0ISE · 08/02/2020 11:07

Actually it will go on his own household bills. I highly doubt he ring fences £900 for child related costs for his other 3. At least his first child gets £300 specifically for them

But the household bills for both families INCLUDE an amount for the children. Mortgage, rent, council tax, insurance, utilities, broad band, repairs, Maintenance, household goods, decoration. All these things are part of keeping a roof over the child’s head.

Car purchase, instance, mOT, fuel, car repairs. All these things are part of keeping a car on the road to run the child about.

Do grown adults note understand this or are some people being deliberately obtuse ?

Dontdisturbmenow · 08/02/2020 11:10

It's hard to believe that she lied about how many days the child is with you for 11 years. 11 occasions to keep a diary of the days she was with you, supported by evidence with receipt, other's people confirming diary etc... I find this very hard to believe if indeed it is causing such an issue.

It sounds like your issue comes down to the sudden increase in outgoings with having to pay childcare. I do feel for you as it must have a huge impact on your finances and bringing a massive reduction in luxuries.

However, turning this into bitterness that the ex gets to have a nice life, and feeling so resentful that you'd consider doing something ridiculous just so that she gets less is really worrying as to the state of your mind. You really need to reflect on your feelings and why you feel so negative.

You need to forget about her. The amount he pays is no different to the bill you pay for childcare, it is what it is. Do you resent the childcare provider owner for going on holiday with the money you pay them monthly? So why such resentment for the ex but pure jealousy that has no place to have.

If you care for your SD, and it sounds like you do, work on your feelings as they will otherwise start polluting your relationship with your ss. As a poster has described, when you find out later that your father did everything to reduce or stop paying maintenance, this supported, encouraged, or worse, manipulated by his partner, your respect for them goes down the pot very quickly and rightly so.

ineedaholiday11 · 08/02/2020 11:12

You keep saying her (ex) child. The child is your partners too. Can't quite get my head around a parent resenting paying for his own child.

From what you've said your household incomes are not that far apart. If you feel that strongly about it do things properly through the court.

Lillygolightly · 08/02/2020 11:12

Ok firstly forget what his ex and her partner have, what they earn/have is irrelevant here.

You on the other hand are struggling financially so you need to do the following:

  1. Query your current payment arrangements with the CSA and make sure all the correct reductions are applied and in place.

  2. Start putting money aside to go back to court and in the mean time whilst you are saving for that start a record/diary for the times and dates you have your SD.

  3. How is contact arranged now? Can your DH not text pick up drop off arrangements with his ex? Is there nothing you have down in writing, text or email for when he arranges contact times and holiday times?

One concern to note is that if his ex is already lying around the number of nights your DH has their DD then I would expect that if your are indeed successful in getting a reduction in payments or even is she gets wind of the fact that that is what your trying to do she will reduce the amount of contact time your DH with his DD. If this happens your DH could end up being angry and resentful and some of that is going to come your way if you pushed for all this to be adjusted and go to court. So if you are going to take action to reduce to payments make sure it’s what your DH wants and that he pushing for it and not you.

Tread carefully OP these kind of issues go far beyond money.

funinthesun19 · 08/02/2020 11:15

What about the bills for his first child? Do you not think he should contribute something towards her house/food/clothes?!

He is paying towards those child related costs. His ex will pay her half too. £600 a month is plenty for food and clothes and a bit towards the rent for 1 child.
He will need to pay a higher percentage of his income towards his own household bills than maintenance no matter who he is living with.
I don’t see why he should worry about his ex’s bills. I don’t expect my ex to pay my council tax for me especially when he’s got his own to pay!

TheDeep · 08/02/2020 11:20

Your household income is £71K and you're struggling?

Fucking hell I've heard it all now.

flirtygirl · 08/02/2020 11:24

When a woman has more children she is responsible for the costs of her new and old children.

When a man has new children they reduce the money for the old children. This is in itself is disgusting. You knowingly had children with a man who already had a child. Bar unemployment, sickness and death then that money to that child should be ring fenced. As they were there first and you knew the situation when you go together with this man.

You attitude is shit and you are morally bankrupt for your suggestion. The cms should never allow a reduction for new children. A mother who goes on to have more children has to make it work whilst she still has commitments to the first child/children, a father should be forced to do the same.

flirtygirl · 08/02/2020 11:30

Op if you can't cope paying maintenance and looking after your own kids on 77k then you seriously need to learn to budget.

Also the other posters are right that if you are going to moan, complain and talk about your husband first child in such a bitchy way then you should not have had further kids. His child was here first and she had no choice in this situation. You willingly added kids to that situation so you need to put up and shut up and make it work.

Your attitude is totally crap.

frazzledasarock · 08/02/2020 11:30

CMS is a contribution towards financially supporting your child.

The father is not paying his ex’s bills he’s is financially contributing towards his child.

£600 a month won’t actually pay towards all household bills plus personal expenses for the child.

The NRP contributes I think 16% for his non resident child and the rest of his salary 84% goes towards his own household including his additional children who live with him.

The CMS payment is not paying for the ex it’s paying towards his child.
It gets absorbed in rent/mortgage/water/electric/gas/clothes/school equipment/school trips etc

Just because the ex-wife has a well paid job and her husband does as well, it does not mean the father gets to abdicate all financial responsibility towards his firstborn.