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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner and csa payments

543 replies

Justaquery88 · 07/02/2020 16:21

Ok so before I get flamed here is the background

My partner has an 11 year old daughter with ex she has remarried she earns 40k and her husband around the same. They holiday three times a year money is not short at all.

We have three kids together and partner has to pay csa £300 a month but we are in a very bad financial state atm. His ex says he only has him one night a fortnight this is not true but without a court order to prove she’s lying csa won’t listen.

We are in debt can’t afford luxuries for our own three no holidays in a few years. If we pretended that we broke up he would have to pay me csa and his payments to her lowered.

Morally yes this is wrong but she is not a nice person to us at all

Legally where do we stand? No we won’t be claiming benefits or anything like that just csa which he will pay me
And I’ll put into the family joint account

OP posts:
sneakythecat49 · 07/02/2020 20:24

So you had three children knowing your mother in law would look after them all? I hope you compensated her, she wouldn't have been able to work herself?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/02/2020 20:25

It's life. Some people will have more than you. Your DSD already existed before you had your children.

I take my DS on lovely holidays and days out. If I had another child I couldn't afford to do that, so I have decided to have only one child. If you want luxuries for your kids but are limited on finances then you have to limit the number of kids you have.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 07/02/2020 20:25

sneaky wtf has that got to do with the ex and maintenance??

RositaEspinosa · 07/02/2020 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kitk · 07/02/2020 20:28

You are so unreasonable! I don't know what else to say apart from that. Its disgusting

SaltLampBae · 07/02/2020 20:29

I didn’t chuck teddies out of the pram the first couple of replies but it’s a bit much with comments making out I’m horrible or shouldn’t have had my three children who I love and raise on my own money I don’t claim any benefits for them
So I can well afford them but extras for them that their ss gets lots of would be nice

It's a little bit rich to tell other people they should have been better educated, when your own grammar and syntax are so appalling.

Urkiddingright · 07/02/2020 20:32

Why don’t you become better educated so you can earn enough to take your DC on three holidays a year?

Many graduates earn 25k, the UK average salary is only 28k. You haven’t really come across well at all on this thread OP. Fact is, your DH is paying around about the right maintenance. Deal with it.

Greysparkles · 07/02/2020 20:34

I don’t claim any benefits for them

You should look into getting child benefit then, it would be just under £200 every 4 weeks.
Problem solved

TheTrollFairy · 07/02/2020 20:45

You have 3 kids so I don’t understand how you think £300 a month is half of what your step daughter costs?

Sometimes life is unfair but this isn’t a race to the bottom, your SD gets things your kids don’t but that is not SDs fault and guess what, your 3 kids get their parents together, they have full siblings, as do SD other half siblings. Your kids get Christmas, birthdays and holidays but both parents but this is something that SD will never get to enjoy. The problem is, you (and many others) but so much worth into material things that you forget what you do have around you.

Ride it out, childcare will go when the kids are at school and then you can enjoy all the materialistic things you are currently missing out on

HairsprayBabe · 07/02/2020 20:45

This website is absolutely fucking bullshit all of the time.

1000 times over if someone has fallen pregnant unexpectedly and are considering termination purely on cost you hear cries of "I think you should keep the baby we managed on two bread sticks and a song".

The second anyone part of a blended family says they are struggling for money it's all "how dare you have kids you can't afford".

I wish I had the same fucking premonition skill as half of bloody mumsnet I would be a billionaire. Most people don't tend to plan for twins or sudden death of a family member. Well fucking done if you do and you can manage to see so far into the future you can see the day you are crowned queen of everything.

No one gives a fuck that the ex is currently lying at all. OP I don't blame you for wanting to work out how to make things feel fairer for your family.

I don't think you are "stealing from a child" and I am fucking sick to death of the first wives club that parade around like anyone who has made any life choices different to them are worth less than something you would scrape off your shoe.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 07/02/2020 20:47

your 3 kids get their parents together, they have full siblings, as do SD other half siblings. Your kids get Christmas, birthdays and holidays but both parents but this is something that SD will never get to enjoy

Yes because being poor is negated entirely by the fact your parents stayed together. (Not saying op or her kids are poor but this view is naive and foolish at best)

Dontdisturbmenow · 07/02/2020 21:00

I can't believe there are people who really feel the way you do. Your posts scream of bitterness, envy and jealousy. It's not even about you having more but wanting her to have less.

This does make you quite an unpleasant person. Your issues are nothing to do with her. She doesn't deserve less because of the consequences of your choices.

The way you think, you could apply it both ways. If her mum lost her job, would you consider it normal that she should get £200 more a month because she would be struggling irrespective of the impact it would have on your life. I very much doubt it.

If your issue is mainly childcare, it will get better and maybe in a few years, you too will get to enjoy luxuries. Envy brings the worse in people.

Tattooedmama · 07/02/2020 21:07

How would you know how educated we are?
I work my shifts around my partner so i dont have to pay out on child care and expect family to watch my children Smile

Being a cunt, and a frauding cunt will get you nowhere.

choli · 07/02/2020 21:24

We haven’t stopped paying it was a thought I had.
What did your husband say when you expressed this thought to him? His reaction would say quite a lot about his character.

Quartz2208 · 07/02/2020 21:25

@HairsprayBabe the problem is that the ex lying accounts for £80 max of the csa the rest if it is rightly what he should pay. That £80 accounts for 2% of their monthly income. Whatever is going on here it isnt about that £80. The actual CSA payment even with lying is 7% of the income.

So the problem isnt really anything to do with the ex lying at all and more for the fact thta circumstances have meant that they are less well off

IndecentFeminist · 07/02/2020 21:26

Even if she wasn't lying, they'd be little better off. Maybe he should pull his finger put and do something about it of it is that significant.

Or get another job.

Sotiredofthislife · 07/02/2020 21:36

The thing with MN, op, is that mners only care when that inequality leaves the first child with less. Unfortunately second families are expected to literally come second to the first children

So because the other parent works and earns well, and has a new partner (who has no responsibility to support children that aren’t his), the OP’s partner shouldn’t have to make a contribution?

No one gives a fuck that the ex is currently lying at all. OP I don't blame you for wanting to work out how to make things feel fairer for your family

On the info the OP has given the discount would amount to about 1/7 of the total amount. So around £43. What the OP is proposing will mean a far greater reduction in maintenance than that - he will be obliged to pay 19% of his income which will be split 4 ways. 3 to the OP and 1 to the ex.

It seems ex wives cannot win. Non-working, earning minimum wage, working part time and why should the ex pay for the children if she doesn’t? Working, doing OK, new partner and the ex shouldn’t have to pay maintenance. It is hardly fair.

DessertQueen · 07/02/2020 21:37

the child is not deprived at all believe me

This is so besides the point it’s unreal. The child’s mother didn’t make the child by herself, the financial burden of raising the child isn’t hers to shoulder alone! This drives me utterly mental Angry

getyourarseoffthequattro · 07/02/2020 21:37

So because the other parent works and earns well, and has a new partner (who has no responsibility to support children that aren’t his), the OP’s partner shouldn’t have to make a contribution?

Can you point out where ive said that, please?

getyourarseoffthequattro · 07/02/2020 21:38

It seems ex wives cannot win
Thats a new one on me 😂😂😂😂😂

Luckystar20 · 07/02/2020 21:39

You sound awful Biscuit

Ginger1982 · 07/02/2020 21:45

"The thing with MN, op, is that mners only care when that inequality leaves the first child with less. Unfortunately second families are expected to literally come second to the first children"

The thing with MN is that people expect other people, when considering the wisdom of having a second family, to think about the impact, financially and emotionally, on their first family.

Sotiredofthislife · 07/02/2020 21:46

Yeah, hilarious quattro. There is no shortage of women who believe and ex wife/partner should have full care of the children and her partner shouldn’t pay a penny in maintenance. The argument is always ‘she doesn’t work’ or ‘she earns well’ and/or ‘has a well,paid new partner’. Can you explain to me in what circumstances it is expected that an NRP should pay maintenance?

SuperMeerkat · 07/02/2020 21:49

YABU. The one and only thing i’m with you on is the shared care as my husband’s ex did exactly this to get more money. All she had to do was call up with absolutely no proof yet DH needed a court order 🤦‍♀️ We just sucked it up because if £22 a month extra means that much to her then she’s welcome to it.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 07/02/2020 21:51

The thing with MN is that people expect other people, when considering the wisdom of having a second family, to think about the impact, financially and emotionally, on their first family

Yes, and then after the fact the best "advice" they can give is "you shouldnt have had children" like they can change that now.

Yeah, hilariousquattro. There is no shortage of women who believe and ex wife/partner should have full care of the children and her partner shouldn’t pay a penny in maintenance. The argument is always ‘she doesn’t work’ or ‘she earns well’ and/or ‘has a well,paid new partner’. Can you explain to me in what circumstances itisexpected that an NRP should pay maintenance

Errrm all of them? Is that a trick question? Why are you insinuating that i dont think maintenance should be paid?

Btw is entirely irrelevant what these women you speak of think - its not them whos responsible for paying it. You do know men can make their own decisions, right?

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