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Original poster

Partner and csa payments

543 replies

Justaquery88 · 07/02/2020 16:21

Ok so before I get flamed here is the background

My partner has an 11 year old daughter with ex she has remarried she earns 40k and her husband around the same. They holiday three times a year money is not short at all.

We have three kids together and partner has to pay csa £300 a month but we are in a very bad financial state atm. His ex says he only has him one night a fortnight this is not true but without a court order to prove she’s lying csa won’t listen.

We are in debt can’t afford luxuries for our own three no holidays in a few years. If we pretended that we broke up he would have to pay me csa and his payments to her lowered.

Morally yes this is wrong but she is not a nice person to us at all

Legally where do we stand? No we won’t be claiming benefits or anything like that just csa which he will pay me
And I’ll put into the family joint account

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 09/02/2020 15:02

The partners money doesnt come into it at all, as it is not their child.

funinthesun19 · 09/02/2020 15:03

And also, if the nrp has no income in the event of their job ending, what about the second children? Oh that’s right, they just have to cope living on their one working parents’ income. But because they’re not the golden first children nobody bats an eyelid.

vodkaredbullgirl · 09/02/2020 15:05

The 2nd children still have money coming from the other parent.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 09/02/2020 15:05

And so do the first children!

funinthesun19 · 09/02/2020 15:11

The 2nd children still have money coming from the other parent.

Yes they do. Just like the 1st children do.

vodkaredbullgirl · 09/02/2020 15:13

So neither are out done by.

So glad i dont have to deal with my ex any CM anymore.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 09/02/2020 15:15

No, everyones in the same boat. The point is that the first children arent/shouldnt be considered a priority over the second children. Some posters think they should.

funinthesun19 · 09/02/2020 15:17

Exactly and that was my point.
In the event the nrp loses their job, it affects everyone. Not just the ex or the first children.
It affects the partner, the second children and of course the nrp themselves.

lifeonaloop · 09/02/2020 15:19

Your oh has an obligation to provide for his child. It doesn't matter how much money his ex is on, nor how many holidays.

If he couldn't afford more children he shouldn't have had anymore.

funinthesun19 · 09/02/2020 15:21

If he couldn't afford more children he shouldn't have had anymore

Helpful once again with this response. Do people not actually realise how rude this is to say about someone’s children?

PorpentinaScamander · 09/02/2020 15:21

When ex and I were together and he lost his job we got an increase in TC/HB to cover the shortfall.

When he met his now wife and chose to quit his job my maintenance was stopped
Their benefits increased to cover it. Mine didn't. So their overall income was the same. Mine decreased.

But it's only one thing in a long line of ways he became a shit father.

And I know not everyone claims benefits. It's one of the many reasons the CMS will never be a 'one size fits all' solution.

timetest · 09/02/2020 15:22

Why hasn’t your DH told cms how many overnights his DD stays? Far better to do that than pretend you have split up to reduce payments still further.

LucaFritz · 09/02/2020 15:23

Regardless of how much her and her partner earn HE has a financial responsibility to the child HE created. There's no ifs or buts about it and £300 a month is a paltry sum for a child to live on and im sure it would cost him a lot more per month if she lived with him so you are been massively unreasonable and cruel to the child taking her income away

vodkaredbullgirl · 09/02/2020 15:26

My ex got out of paying for 2 yrs when we split, kept changing jobs also moving different places. He said that as i was still working (even though part time) got cb and other benefits that i was getting enough.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 09/02/2020 15:27

Quitting a job is very different than losing a job.

Also i v much doubt he got benefits equivilant to a FT wage tbh.

Mittens030869 · 09/02/2020 15:28

If you're struggling financially, why fork out on expensive holidays like going to Disney World in Florida? There is a Disneyland in Paris, as you surely know. And what's wrong with hiring a cottage/caravan in this country for a week?

I don't work, partly because of my DD1 (now 10) needing a lot of help, and now I also have MH issues too (PTSD as a result of childhood SA and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.) So we're reliant on my DH's salary alone. But we're not in debt.

So you can manage; you just need to get used to having less money and start looking for cheaper deals.

You know that what you're thinking of isn't right. I recommend going to court and formalise contact days. At least then your DP's ex won't be able to lie about it.

funinthesun19 · 09/02/2020 15:28

When he met his now wife and chose to quit his job my maintenance was stopped
Their benefits increased to cover it. Mine didn't. So their overall income was the same. Mine decreased.

That’s on him, nobody else.

YappityYapYap · 09/02/2020 15:40

If he earns £39k a year, he is literally just paying the bare minimum of 12% by paying £300 a month. Why would you need this lowered? You earn £61k between you, lower something else!

YappityYapYap · 09/02/2020 15:42

Sorry £71k so even worse...

getyourarseoffthequattro · 09/02/2020 15:48

Mn double standards make me giggle. On some threads everyone agrees that uts a struggle on a 100k wage. On here a 71k joint wage will easily support 2 adults and 3 kids who need childcare and maintenance for a 4th.

I think many posters have no idea at all how much childcare for 3 children costs.

Cocomama17 · 09/02/2020 15:50

You don't have to csa your partner. Just say he left.

Kirkman · 09/02/2020 15:50

Do people not actually realise how rude this is to say about someone’s children?

How?

The OP and her dh decided to have 3 kids, knowing that there was another one to pay for.

They also had 3 kids relying on someone elses genoristy to have them. Its sad killing passed away. But a whole host of things could have happened that meant she could have the kids.

If you have 4k coming and cant afford 3 kids plus the one that you already have a financial responsibilities too. Dont have 3 kids.

Its rude to keep having kids then moan that your husband has to support the child that everyone knew existed when you got together

getyourarseoffthequattro · 09/02/2020 15:53

I think youll find a lot of people rely on family for childcare. A lot of people couldnt afford ft childcare for one child let alone three.

Should op have purchased herself a crystal ball before having any dc?

Essentially what youre saying is that only rich people can have children, arent you?

All this hatred towards second families is fucking disgusting and i say that as someone whos paid for ft nursery for 3 years.

ChrissieKeller61 · 09/02/2020 15:54

Not many people can afford 3 kids.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 09/02/2020 15:55

Should we tell all these families stuck using food banks that they shouldnt have had kids?

Widows who now struggle to pay the bills now their husbands have died?

Single mums who find theirself in a difficult position?

No? Would that be insentive and rude?

Yes. It would. So why do we think we can be vile towards second families eh? Why is that ok.