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Original poster

Partner and csa payments

543 replies

Justaquery88 · 07/02/2020 16:21

Ok so before I get flamed here is the background

My partner has an 11 year old daughter with ex she has remarried she earns 40k and her husband around the same. They holiday three times a year money is not short at all.

We have three kids together and partner has to pay csa £300 a month but we are in a very bad financial state atm. His ex says he only has him one night a fortnight this is not true but without a court order to prove she’s lying csa won’t listen.

We are in debt can’t afford luxuries for our own three no holidays in a few years. If we pretended that we broke up he would have to pay me csa and his payments to her lowered.

Morally yes this is wrong but she is not a nice person to us at all

Legally where do we stand? No we won’t be claiming benefits or anything like that just csa which he will pay me
And I’ll put into the family joint account

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 08/02/2020 20:05

On 70k, the extra £80 that her lies cost you per month should be trivial

Not trivial really. It’s money that he doesn’t have to pay his ex because his children are with him more nights than what his ex has declared. I don’t see how that is trivial.

ChrissieKeller61 · 08/02/2020 20:08

£300 is fuck all in terms of a contribution towards that child. What her mother earns is irrelevant

GimmeTheSnacks · 08/02/2020 20:17

Thats their choice. i wouldnt enrol my child in expensive activities and then demand half from my ex tbh. I don't think anyone has suggested that but many children go to clubs then their parents split and all of a sudded NRP thinks it isn't their responsibility to pay half.

I dont fully agree that childcare is the nrps responsibility because again its a choice they have no control over isnt it? Why? They can go for shared care and to 50/50. Oh no wait it's better for them to work full time but also get the RP to work full time plus pay childcare. NRP can use the "I can only be arsed to see my child every other weekend so I shouldn't have to pay".

getyourarseoffthequattro · 08/02/2020 20:35

Lots of massive generalisations there. You know not all nrps are like that?

Tbh i dont know what i expected from the first wives club thst is mn.

Ps you say it like most rps would agree to 50/50. Very few would ime.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 08/02/2020 20:37

chrissie you must be very priviledged if you think £300 is "fuck all"

ChrissieKeller61 · 08/02/2020 20:40

Put it this way, @getyourarseoffthequatttro if I asked you to do 50% of everything my child needed in a month and provide it with a roof over its head, food, clothes, entertainment and I said I’d pay you £300 would you do it ?

funinthesun19 · 08/02/2020 20:42

chrissie you must be very priviledged if you think £300 is "fuck all"

It’s amazing how differently people think. £300 is a hell of a lot of money to me because I’ve never earned loads. To someone else it’s pocket money.
My ex should technically be paying over £300 for our 4 children, and I just think it’s too much for him to truly afford plus run a household himself.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 08/02/2020 20:43

For your child? No.. i dont even know you.

300 would def pay for 50% of everything my child needs inc childcare...

Sotiredofthislife · 08/02/2020 20:46

I dont fully agree that childcare is the nrps responsibility because again its a choice they have no control over isnt it?

And yet both parents need to work to maintain their households so childcare in some form is a must for many. And every NRP has a choice - mediation, court if unable to agree with their ex how time with parents should be split.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 08/02/2020 20:55

And the rp will get help towards childcare... the nrp doesnt...

I wouldnt expect dp to pay half of childcare if i was getting benefits or tdc towards it PLUS maintenance. I think its pretty necky actually.

ChrissieKeller61 · 08/02/2020 20:58

£300 a month doesn’t cover my child’s food bill.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 08/02/2020 21:01

I dont think thats usual tbh Confused

OrangeLindt · 08/02/2020 21:29

The Child Maintenance is for HIS DD, not for his ex or for you. If you are both in debt then sort it out instead of trying to not pay money for his child. In fact I would suggest you mind your own business full stop.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 08/02/2020 22:10

getyour not at all jealous, I manage fine and have just bought a house on my own. I just think it's ridiculous that you might think my ex's partner is subsidising him on his salary.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 08/02/2020 22:27

Its really not ridiculous at all. Perhaps youd understand if youd ever been in that situation. Ask any step parent.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 09/02/2020 06:39

It is ridiculous, because it's assuming that all NRPs are deadbeats that ask their partners for money. As I've said twice, my ex has been paying the same amount since before his partner was in the picture, he can afford to do it without being subsidised.

And more fool you if you are a step parent and pay your partner's maintenance. Your choice to be a mug.

TheReef · 09/02/2020 06:54

If csa are saying it's £300 a month your dh is earning an ok wage. It's not his child's fault if he's got debts and financial issues, the dc will still need feeding, housing etc. His ex's financial set up us nothing to do with the matter.

LunasOrchid · 09/02/2020 07:12

@ChrissieKeller61

£300 isn't enough to feed you child? That's £69 a week? WTF do you feed your child?!?

We spend £75 a week for a family of three 😂

funinthesun19 · 09/02/2020 07:20

LunasOrchid I agree it’s plenty. I can feed 4 children on that, maybe even less.

Kirkman · 09/02/2020 07:43

This is ridiculous.

OP and her partner had 3 kids based in the mil having them and them not paying childcare. Did no one think 'what happens if she cant'.

When we had a second we looked at worst case situations. The mil could have decided she couldnt do it anymore, got ill, found it too tiring etc

I had a large gap and stopped at 2 because of what we could afford in worst case. You just went ahead anyway.

The ex and her new partners isnt even on that much more than OP.

Op, you and your partner decided to have 3 children, close together, knowing you could not afford childcare if mil could no longer look after them. Which could have happened, for many reasons.

You didnt plan well. You just had kids cause you wanted them. Now want to try and defraud his first child.

It's really funny, that you would rather wriggle out of paying the right amount than actually try and challenge what she stays about staying over. You could easily prove she is there more than 48 days a year. But choosing not to.

Yahboosnubsme · 09/02/2020 08:41

No you can't do that OP. You have to accept that £300 per month is the cost of him having a child prior to yours. £600 per month (adding both parents contributions together) seems about right for the average 11 year old over a year.

My DH pays the same for DSS10. However as DSS is the size of a 14 year old, and needs bigger clothes and shoes more often, I've told him I think he should be paying more. Apparently he and EXW are happy with their current arrangement (agreed privately between them, and not through CSA).

shalligoagain · 09/02/2020 08:48

OP, you seem to be getting a hard time and I must say I don't think the extra night that the ex lies about would make a great deal of difference.

I'm wondering if it might help if you provide a monthly budget breakdown so we can see how much all your bills and childcare costs work out. You may get some more helpful suggestions if people can understand where the money is going, especially as a £71K income sounds a lot to be struggling on.

stuffedpeppers · 09/02/2020 09:47

She is getting a hard time because

  1. she suggested committing a crime - which no one has agreed with
  2. She does not recognise that her DP has 4 children not just her 3
  3. She wants to cut off one child and not pay
  4. For 11 years her DP has not been arsed to correct the number of days the child stays with him with the CSA - his problem
  5. She has been very rude to people on here who earnless than her
  6. She does not see that a salary of £71K is plenty to live well on.

And this is one of those rare occasions where SMs and anyone else on here are united in not recommending someone becomes a criminal!

Kirkman · 09/02/2020 09:56

They dont even earn that much more.

The ex is on about 40k, so is her partner.

After tax, its not a huge difference to ops and her DHS wage.

OP is being a dick.

And if the ex is so awful, why would she just accept this? She will know they still live together, still a couple and its fraud. If she is horrible, she isnt going to stand for that

getyourarseoffthequattro · 09/02/2020 10:21

waxon you dont get it do you sweetheart?

I dont pay my partners maintenance. Im not a "mug".

Maybe use your brain and you might understand what i am saying.