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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give my 15 year old condoms?

149 replies

AnneTwackie · 06/02/2020 21:13

For context, had the talk about the age of consent and consent issues, other stuff that could go wrong- break-ups, not sharing pics, disease, pregnancy, reputation etc. They’re a few months into a what seems a happy relationship, same age.

We don’t have a weird parent/child situation just quite honest with two teens in the house and I’m thinking along the lines of ‘if you were to decide it was the right thing for you, I’d want you to be responsible’.

OP posts:
lengthenmylutealphase · 06/02/2020 21:17

I think that's probably a good idea.

Whatsername177 · 06/02/2020 21:18

My.mum did this. A brown paper bag on my pillow. I was all 'eeeewwwww moTHER! Urgh!'. However, I was grateful. Schools tend to give out the C-card now - might be worth checking?

Curiosity101 · 06/02/2020 21:18

If they're going to do it then they'll do it regardless - better to do it informed (which you have done) and safely.

PumpkinPie2016 · 06/02/2020 21:18

YANBU - ideally, they will wait and take precautions themselves. However, far better for you to give them condoms and them use them than to have unprotected sex.

You sound like a lovely, supportive mum!

HappyHammy · 06/02/2020 21:21

It's a good thing and safe but is her mum happy that she is having sex at 15, would that cause any problems for anyone.

BearSoFair · 06/02/2020 21:30

YANBU. We did it for DS1 at that age. It seemed unrealistic to think he and his girlfriend wouldn't have sex just because they didn't have condoms so it was an easy decision to buy condoms and at least know they were being safe.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 06/02/2020 21:34

I personally think you are unreasonable.
The age of consent is 16 because most people are not mentally or emotionally ready to have sex before that age.
You have basically said ‘go for it mate.’
A girl at my school had a mum with a similar attitude, used to bring her daughter and her boyfriend tea in bed when they were 15. Only girl in my year who got pregnant while we were at school.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 06/02/2020 21:35

Are you all going to go and source your kids some safe drugs as well, after all ‘they will do it anyway?’ So better to be safe.

Original poster
AnneTwackie · 06/02/2020 21:38

Yes that doesn’t sound healthy smiley no tea in bed here.
I’d hope they’d wait because I do agree with the age of consent reasoning but if they didn’t I’d rather they were at least safe from pregnancy and disease.

OP posts:
Smileyaxolotl1 · 06/02/2020 21:44

anne I know it’s really tricky and you are really trying to be a responsible mum but as someone who works with children of this age every day I really think they are too young to be having sex and for many giving them condoms would be seen as a massive green light. Would you be so keen if it was your daughter? Since condoms are about 97% effective there is still a 3% chance of a Pregnant 15 year old. That’s not a chance I’d want to be encouraging my daughter to take.
What is so wrong about suggesting they are too young and that they should wait? (That last question was not directed at the OP specifically)

Whatsername177 · 06/02/2020 21:50

The c card scheme is for kids aged from 13. Having the conversation is a good thing. I didnt start my period until I was 15, but I knew there was sanpro in the cupboard from about 12. The attached website is very informative:
www.yoursexualhealthmatters.org.uk/contraception/c-card

Original poster
AnneTwackie · 06/02/2020 22:00

I haven’t said if it’s my son or daughter. I have suggested they are too young and we’ve talked about why the age of consent is as it is. I’ve been 15, I thought I knew best, and if my mum told me I couldn’t do something I wanted to do I probably would do it anyway. If she explained to me why she thought I shouldn’t and encouraged me to think for myself I’d be less likely to do something stupid. At least that’s what I think as someone who lives with children of this age everyday Wink

OP posts:
Leah2005 · 06/02/2020 22:01

Everyone assuming 15 year old is a boy.....

CatteStreet · 06/02/2020 22:03

I would not be happy at all if I knew or thought my 14yo was sexually active, and we would be having some serious conversations (have already had the talk much as OP), but he knows where the condoms are. Just in case.

Whatsername177 · 06/02/2020 22:04

I'm not. I also agree with the op. I fully support the c card scheme, but parents opening those lines of communication with their kids is even better.

IHaveBrilloHair · 06/02/2020 22:04

I put a box in the bathroom cabinet.
Dd and her BF did at that age, they are celebrating their 3yr anniversary this week and they live together now.

Original poster
AnneTwackie · 06/02/2020 22:04

I like that @CatteStreet!

OP posts:
goodwinter · 06/02/2020 22:06

@Smileyaxolotl1 if you work with teens, you must know that a parent telling a 15yo they're too young for sex is going to do absolutely nothing!

Also the 3% refers to the average chance that a woman will get pregnant in a year if only using condoms - not quite as bad as it sounds at first glance (ie it's not 3% per time you have sex), and I would also suggest if OP's child is female that she looks into getting her onto the pill, if they're both comfortable with that. But that might not be a popular view on here...

luanmapo · 06/02/2020 22:08

I did for my 14yr old dd.
I didn’t approve of her boyfriend, she and him used to bunk off school to go round his for sex.
The school wouldn’t do anything whatsoever other than mark her absent! The Police didn’t want to know either as they were both under age and consenting.
In the end she has now gone to live with her dad, because he lets her have her boyfriend over 🙄.
Nothing I can do about it apparently. I am distraught about it. But at least I know she is using protection.

richele4 · 06/02/2020 22:10

People really think that teens listen to the age of consent? If they're gonna do it then they're gonna do it... You did the right thing OP at least you now he's being safe

Isadora2007 · 06/02/2020 22:12

Yanbu at all and it won’t encourage anything. I actually had sanpro and condoms in the bathroom for either of my teens and their friends to use when they were teens... doesn’t always mean they make the right choices but in terms of harm reduction you’re doing the right thing making it accessible and safe to talk about with you too.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 06/02/2020 22:14

goodwinter. True but there is a middle ground between forbidding it and positively encouraging it/ ignoring the illegalities by providing them with the room and the accessories.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 06/02/2020 22:16

Why has no one responded to my drugs comment? It would be harm reduction too wouldn’t it. And like taking drugs, having sex at a young age is known to have negative physical and emotional repercussions.

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 06/02/2020 22:17

As another voice who works with kids of that age, they’re far too young to be having sex. I lost my virginity at 17.5 and I think that was too young in retrospect. My feeling is that condoms would be a green light and that you shouldn’t be encouraging it. I wouldn’t want my 15yo daughter having sex.

lpchill · 06/02/2020 22:27

As a youth worker it's great you have had a discussion with your teenager about sex. It helps keeps the lines of communication open between you and as much as your teenager squirmed they probably appreciate your attention and will likely come to you in future.
Hopefully you would have had the discussion about other forms of contraception too as condoms are not 100%. But is most effective against STDs.
Also point out to them the letstalkaboutit.nhs.co.uk it gives advice, ordering free condoms and sexual health clinics for checkups.
Also in most pharmacies they are part of the get it on scheme where young people can get free condoms.
Teenagers will do whatever they decide they want to do- not much will change there mind. You just have to hope as a parent that you have given them enough information/guidance for them to make an informed decision and if it goes wrong they can always talk to you for help.