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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give my 15 year old condoms?

149 replies

AnneTwackie · 06/02/2020 21:13

For context, had the talk about the age of consent and consent issues, other stuff that could go wrong- break-ups, not sharing pics, disease, pregnancy, reputation etc. They’re a few months into a what seems a happy relationship, same age.

We don’t have a weird parent/child situation just quite honest with two teens in the house and I’m thinking along the lines of ‘if you were to decide it was the right thing for you, I’d want you to be responsible’.

OP posts:
WelcomeToShootingStars · 06/02/2020 22:30

My parents didn't go out and buy me drugs. But they did make sure that I knew the safest way to take them incase I ever chose to.

Likewise, they didn't go and find me a sexual partner but they made sure I had all the information to keep myself protected and had access to condoms.

Can confirm I've never had an STI, didn't fall pregnant at a young age and never had any drug related mishaps.

Ontheboardwalk · 06/02/2020 22:30

Is your 15 year old the boy or the girl?

Giving your boy condoms to have underage sex with a girl might not be the best move if the girls mother found out

ALHanes2 · 06/02/2020 22:34

I wouldn’t gift wrap them and hand them over but I would put them in the bathroom cupboard for sure. Well done for having a sensible chat at an appropriate age.

katseyes7 · 06/02/2020 22:35

My OH did this with both of my stepsons. He said he wasn't encouraging or condoning them having sex, but if they were going to, far better they were sensible.
Eldest was a demon for the ladies. Youngest was more interested in guitars. Much like his dad.
They're 26 and 21 this year and both decent, nice lads. Eldest is settled and engaged, youngest is working hard and playing the field when he has time.
All my mother ever said to me was "don't you bring trouble to the door" without ever actually saying what the 'trouble' was. Even when l was 26 she didn't speak to me because l went on holiday with my boyfriend, who l ended up marrying, because she assumed we were going to have sex.
l went to a GP at 18 and asked to go on the pill. She refused me it on (her) religious grounds and told me l should "say no because l wasn't married."
l'd rather give them the option than end up with a pregnant teenager.

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/02/2020 22:40

I voted YABU because giving a 15yr old condoms “a few months into a relationship” is not just giving the green light for underage sex but subtly pressuring her into thinking that “after a few months” a good gf is (of course) going to be having sex with her bf.

And 15yr old kids do not need anything from parents that could be received as pressure to have sex.

BrokenWing · 06/02/2020 22:42

Giving your boy condoms to have underage sex with a girl might not be the best move if the girls mother found out

@Ontheboardwalk, she wouldn't be, she would be giving him condoms so if they did have sex together they could both be protected. Subtle difference.

It's not just a boy having sex with a girl, the girl would be having sex with him too! I would hope most parents would understand that nowadays.

WorraLiberty · 06/02/2020 22:42

Is your 15 year old the boy or the girl?

Giving your boy condoms to have underage sex with a girl might not be the best move if the girls mother found out

Are you saying (in this scenario) the girl's mother would prefer she had sex without a condom? Confused

elenacampana · 06/02/2020 22:43

@Smileyaxolotl1 - remind me not to go to you for advice on teens. Very out of touch.

Belindabelle · 06/02/2020 22:47

I am the parent of a 22 and 14 year old. I don’t know for sure of course but I think DC1 was 18/19 before they started having sex. The thought of my nearly 15 year old having sex soon does not sit easy with me. It’s the emotional side of things I feel they are far too immature to be dealing with all that.

IdblowJonSnow · 06/02/2020 22:49

Yanbu.
If they're going to do it they're going to do it. Far far better to be safe. I dont see it as 'giving the green light' at all.

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/02/2020 22:49

This is what bothers me. OP said
“I’m thinking along the lines of if you were to decide it [sex] was the right thing for you I’d want you to be responsible’.”

The 15yr old in question has not decided to have sex. So OP is actively encouraging sex. This is very different from a precocious 15yr old that has already decided they want sex, are ready, and are going to get it come hell or high water being sat down and given advice on staying safe imho.

Florinia · 06/02/2020 22:49

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richele4 · 06/02/2020 22:50

I lost mine at 15. Neither of us had a job so couldn't afford conforms so most of the time he was nicking them from his brothers. I remember once or twice we couldn't get any so just did it without and he pulled out.

I was a stupid and irresponsible young girl who ended up getting pregnant at 16. As are a lot of teenagers who just want to have sex.

Because of my own experience I plan on doing the same for my sons so they don't end up getting someone pregnant. You're doing the right thing OP

Marshmello · 06/02/2020 22:50

You know your own child, but personally there is no chance I would allow my daughter to have sex at 15. I've worked consistently on indoctrinating her to wait, and offering conforms is condoning the behaviour. I would use everything I had to stop it, as I really think they are too young.

Pixxie7 · 06/02/2020 22:52

The Dutch give contraceptive advice from the age of 12 and have the lowest underage pregnancy rates in the world. Ignorance cause problems if you feel he is ready better safe than sorry.

spicedapples · 06/02/2020 22:54

there is no chance I would allow my daughter to have sex at 15

And how would you stop her? It's not your gift to give, or withhold.

IHaveBrilloHair · 06/02/2020 22:59

Of course you can stop them, you just insist on being with them 24/7 obviously!

Smileyaxolotl1 · 06/02/2020 23:00

It’s not out of touch at all.
Of course teenagers are going to want to have sex, just like they want to bunk school and drink copious amounts of alcohol but it doesn’t mean it should be encouraged.
plan is 100% right - most of you are preemptng the situation and as such really promoting the idea that under age sex is a desirable norm. The average age to lose virginity is 16 years 10 months so many if not most are waiting until the age of consent.
Why are you seeing it as inevitable that your child will have sex? It really isn’t.

Iwannatellyouastory · 06/02/2020 23:01

I had the chat with my 15 year old son, he was having sex and wasn’t going to stop just because I thought he was too young, his girlfriend was a bit older. Stupid boy didn’t use the condoms though and had to tell us when he was 16 that his girlfriend was pregnant, she had said she was on the pill so it was “safe”, I now have a beautiful grandchild ( who is precious but really didn’t want my son to be a dad at 17). I would encourage any parent to talk about condoms to their boys or girls I wish I had been able to have a stronger influence.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 06/02/2020 23:03

pixxe7 that’s fine if your only concern is whether a child gets pregnant but some people like to consider old fashioned ideas like self respect and being emotionally and physically mature enough to consent.

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/02/2020 23:04

I’d hope they’d wait because I do agree with the age of consent reasoning but if they didnt

IF they didnt

So they have not decided to have sex OP.
In all this encouraging of underage sex to your child who has not decided to have sex did you talk about birthdays? When one will be 16 and the other still 15? What happens then?

TriangularRatbag · 06/02/2020 23:04

And how would you stop her? It's not your gift to give, or withhold.

Presumably there is a request-for-intercourse- clearance form which @Marshmello requires to be filled in before coitus, and she will simply deny permission Grin

DioneTheDiabolist · 06/02/2020 23:11

Smileyaxolotl1, providing condoms is not the same as providing drugs. The equivalent would be providing a Drugs Testing Kit for your child if they were going to a music festival.

LouReidDododo · 06/02/2020 23:12

I was having sex at 14 and pregnant at 15. With dd1 we were talking about babies, relationships years before this age. She focused on school work but put her self on the pill at 17 when she got her first boyfriend.

With my other two I don’t know if it will be the same. I don’t think the sex talk should just be sprung on them when the get a gf/bf to me this is too late. If dd2 or dd3 started getting serious with some one at this age I’d continue to talk to them to see where there head is at and if they wanted contraception although I’d much prefer them to wait till they were actually legal.

Just keep talking and talking to them op

champagneandfromage50 · 06/02/2020 23:13

when my DS started dating I spoke to the girls mum before allowing them to sleep over. They ended up dating for over 3 yrs. My DD and I discussed contraception and went to the GP just before she was 16 and she got the hormone implant. She was provided with a stash of condoms too. I have always been open about sex and contraception and sussed out she may be thinking about it....