Why don't you drive. ?

[Fivetillmidnight]

So many posts here from women with various issues , (mostly logistical) with an 'aside' of ... 'dp/DH drives I don't '.

AIBU to suggest that IF you have a car in the family ... AND you have at least one functioning eye, and either feet or hands that work well and no reason that the DVLA would ban you from driving for , then you should learn ?

My moderate/severe categorised Dss has just passed his test. ( well done him !) with the help of Motorbility . Surely if he can do it then there is no excuse not to learn ? and relieve the burden for a family where one is the sole driver (normally the man) .

But equally applicable to a family where the women does all the transportation.

Obviously not an issue for those who don't need a car. This refers to those where a car is used for the family and one adult does ALL the driving .

I'm very severely disabled with autism, dyspraxia and mental illness - it's recognised officially with my disabled Freedom Pass and enhanced rates for PIP. We've chosen to live very centrally in London, so we can enjoy a car-free lifestyle (three zone 1 stations within walking distance, and about 20 bus routes), schools and work within walking distance. So DH doesn't drive either, although he is able to, it's just not enjoyable with the traffic, and it's quicker to take the tube. It would cost more as well, as we get free travel with my disabled Freedom Pass (and my autistic DS also has a Freedom Pass), so we normally have no transport costs, and cheap train travel thanks to travel cards. Obviously it is also more sustainable.

Financially it wouldn't be a problem for us if DS or I wanted to drive, as DH is a high earner - it's just not possible with our level of disability ( even though others who consider themselves to be severely disabled can drive, they often are the ones who grumble that they are turned down for benefits or specialist schools/EHCPs - because they are actually not recognised as severe in official terms).

I drive and DH doesn’t. I have no issues with it. I enjoy driving and he tends to get road rage from the passenger seat as it is so I don’t think he would be a good driver anyway. We would only be able to afford to run one car and I’m not keen on the idea of having to share my car and not always have it at my disposal if I fancy going somewhere.

I didn’t go for my test until I was in my 30’s. I had lessons at 17 and absolutely hated it. Then got a some lessons with my step dad in my early 20’s. Was planning to go for my test but life got in the way and I had to relocate for work (redundancy or transfer to another office was my opinion). New area had great public transport, new work location was in city centre so it wouldn’t have been practical to drive there as parking was too expensive. I also had increased living costs where I lived and couldn’t justify the extra expense. After a while I forgot all about it to be honest. Hardly anyone I knew round there drove. Quite a few had licences but no car.

I eventually got round to booking lessons again and going for my test when we moved again. We still have public transport but it’s not as good. New workplace is easier to get to by driving. My mum has relocated so need to drive to visit her, DH’s parents are a 20 minute drive away (or over an hour with two bus changes now). So with our circumstances changed we decided it was time for one of us to drive. DH really didn’t fancy it and I was quite keen to finally get round to it. It was expensive but worth it. DH might decide to learn in the future, or not. I know he had lessons years ago before we met and didn’t enjoy them.

I don’t judge people who don’t drive. It’s not for everyone. People live according to their circumstances at the time. My mum for example only got round to sitting her test at the age of 60. Before that she happily used her moped to get around, it was only as she got a bit older she decided the warmth and safety of a car would be better for her. I think the cold winter mornings on the moped were starting to take its toll on her bones.

Why does it matter to you?

I can see where the OP is coming from. Driving is a life skill that I feel you owe it to yourself and others to acquire if you can . People are very defensive about justifying their lack of driving license probably because many (not all) of them know that if they really pushed themselves to overcome their reservations, then they could

It's a life skill for YOU
How do you know how bad anyones anxiety is? It's much more than "pushing through"

Fun story, everyone always said my needle phobia was put on, till the day they tried to take blood from me in pregnancy. DP watched me blackout, run, hide by the door and not have any idea I'd done it when I came too. That was with me pushing myself to the limit. When one reaches that level of anxiety, you think I'd be a safe driver?
It was deemed unsafe to take blood from me and they gave up in the end. Still never had a blood test

I don’t want to drive. I’m pushing 40 and I’ve never had more than a fleeting consideration of it. Sometimes it’s a pain logistically but I like public transport and so does my dd. If both me and her dad drove its likely she’d be in the car a lot more door-to-door instead of walking and taking public transport, and then so would I, and I wouldn’t want that. I just don’t want to drive and I certainly don’t owe it to anybody else to learn.

Also the amount of entitled knobs on the road with their phones out makes me jumpy.

"Special awareness.."

Spacial

Can I just add to the cost of lessons. I currently pay £50 a week for my lesson. Its hugely expensive. I have to pay the £60 odd pound for my test then another £100 for the car of my driving instructor. Honestly its insanely expensive.

Some people just do not want to drive. I for one hate the thought of being behind a machine that could kill someone. I did do some driving lessons it wasnt for me!! Also just because there is a car in the family does not mean it is readily available for you to use. My husband uses it to get back and forth to work and due to his shift patterns I am certainly not getting me and my son up at 3am to drop him off or again at 1am to pick him up. But I also dont complain about logistics I walk or get bus every where I need. And if neither of these are suitable and we cant get a lift then we dont go.
So you shouldn't just assume everything is as straight forward as just learn to drive.

I have a full licence, but a car would financially cripple me. I am also mentally not in the right place to drive right now, be expected to drive people everywhere if I did and would probably need lots of lessons before I am safe on the road

Why would you want to drive?!
Too many cars in the road, too much pollution, nowhere to park, etc etc.
My teenage kids have no intention of learning and I am very proud of that

I didn't drive until dd1 was 3 years old (I was 23)

At first we lived in an area where I didn't need to drive then life changed. Dd was a surprise, we had to move and didn't have money to buy a car.

When we did get a car for dh, we didn't have the £100s spare for lessons. They aren't cheap and are a big fininacial commitment as each person is different and you'll never k ow how many hours you'll need to feel ready.

I think OP of this thread is a highly judgmental one. Driving is a luxury in life. It's one that unless you have the money to learn and run a car, you can't access.

I attempted my test several times and experienced severe anxiety attacks. So, are we shaming people who can't do a thing now? I'm a great public speaker though....maybe I'll start a thread that says 'if I can publically speak everyone should be able to do it!'

Fear stopped me from driving once I finally passed my test (3rd time lucky!)

I didn't learn at 17. My mother told me I was "too immature" which was her favourite way to control me. Then I moved out at 19 and couldn't afford lessons.

I couldn't afford to learn till I was 23 and working. First instructor was a dick who shouted at Me, a lot. Then I moved and got another instructor. I then took lessons for 2 years and every lesson was full of anxiety and panic as although I could drive I was also terrified of fucking up and crashing.

Finally passed. And then every time I drove it freaked me out. I worried about crashing or being out of control.

We moved again, had a baby. I still rarely drove. Had another baby. Drove but more frequently. Started to get used to it. Had some difficult journeys or awful weather to drive in. It then clicked and I don't mind driving now.

But that while body fear was the reason why I didn't drive. Sweats and panic. I wasn t stupid or incapable or happy to cadge lifts from others (I hated it. I still feel stupid even if someone offers me a lift to a place they are going and it would be convenient to pick me up).

I could never have a man drive me to do the food shop etc. I would find it demeaning.

Driving gives you a level of freedom and independence that is incomparable.

The woman who I know that can't drive are always relying on someone or public transport.

Similarly, I could never be with a non-driver. Apologies if that sounds harsh or goady.

Why would you assume that everyone who doesn’t drive has a man drive them to do the food shopping? I’ve lived in my current house for 8 years and in that time DP has never once driven me to do a food shop. He has never driven to do a food shop alone either, as far as I know.
And yes, I “rely” on public transport but I don’t see that that’s any different to relying on a car. I’m always a bit when people who drive ring in to say that they can’t get in because their car hasn’t started in the morning. One person was over two hours late once because they waited for a mechanic come out to start their car. They live about 10 minutes away by bus and could probably have walked the distance in about 40 minutes.
And don’t get me started on the fuss some people who drive make about not understanding the underground system and how stressful they find it. We went on a day trip out with my BIL and SIL last year. We live in North London and they are just on the outskirts of east London. We got to where we were meeting them in East London and waited for well over an hour because they got on the wrong trains twice, then missed a stop, then got on a train going in the wrong direction before changing back and getting to the right place. They should have got one mainline train and a straightforward changeover to the DLR taking half an hour at the very most. They were on the trains for over 2 hours because apparently it’s all too confusing. It only took us 45 minutes from the other end of the city. Ridiculous!

because you only have to look around you to see that's how it is, generally speaking

When I need to do food shopping I pick up my backpack I walk to Tesco's buy what I need and I walk home with my shopping, I get exercise and I do the food shopping all in one go 😎 what's not to like?

I would find it demeaning.
Why?

Driving gives you a level of freedom and independence that is incomparable.

Incomparable to what?

What do you do that is so amazing,free, independent and unachievable by a non driver?

The only thing I actually can't do compared to a car driver is car racing, which I have no interest in.

I walk everywhere local that I need to get to that h would drive (large village, school, shop and all after school activities and hobbies within 1.5 mile walk). I get public transport when under my own steam unless driving is more convenient or if someone offers to drive me if they are going themselves (a friend doesn't like being a passenger and prefers to drive if we are going to the cinema. I have offered but she insists on driving. I pay parking)

Part if the walking and public transport stems from when I was reluctant to drive but it is also because driving short distances when i could walk instead isn't healthy for me or for the planet. And using public transport can be cheaper and uses less fossil fuels and is in some cases more convenient for where I want to get to.

Car = carnage
I don't want to die like that, cars make you fat, walking everywhere makes you lean 😊

I could never have a man drive me to do the food shop etc. I would find it demeaning.

I mean, technically a man does do my food shopping but he drives a van and is employed by asda.

Also I don't see the problem with using public transport.

For a while, when I was with my ExP, he drove and I couldn't, and I hated having to rely on him so much. I tried learning to drive, but for some reason just couldn't get to grips with it (I am a bit of a tit). My instructor suggested I tried automatic, and oh my god, it was amazing and changed my life. Now, I've been passed almost 5 years, have my own car, and the freedom is like nothing else. I still think "wow" to myself when I'm driving myself to places, and I've never got to the stage where I'm taking for granted just how amazing it is that I've got my own car and can go wherever I like!

Thank you for all those that actually read the post and replied. Your answers are interesting.

I think the one thing I will take away from this post is the shocking lack of reading comprehension amongst MN posters.

Why don't you drive if you have a car in the household AND another driving adult, AND no health problems restricting the right to learn.

Cue about 600 posts from people who DONT have a car in the Household, don't have a driver in the household Or have health issues prohibiting it. FGS MN really has become a forum of the professionally offended.

As for all those talking about anxiety and being petrified. Do you really think that someone just gets in a car on the first day and tootles off without a care ? I have taught three kids, 2 of their friends, both brothers and an ex husband. Not a single one was not terrified.

Financial issues when THERE IS A CAR IN THE HOUSE... well that is down to priorities. If you never need lifts anywhere, live in a town or city with great public transport or am a all weather cyclist. Then no it wouldn't be a priority.

This post came out of a personal situation . We live rurally. Our the neighbours have a car. Dad drives 1.5 miles to the station where he parks and gets the train to London everyday. Neighbours wife (35 ish ) doesn't drive. Myself, DH and 2 x DDs all drive and we share 2 cars. Every bloody day she is 'just popping out' as one of us gets to the car... and 'wonders' if we could just give her/ her 12 yr old son, a lift into town or pick up a few bits for her.. it's absolutely constant and has gone on for a couple of years since they moved to us. I have asked her why she doesn't drive. She says because she doesn't fancy it and there is no real need !!!

I have offered to teach her but 'DH' wouldn't like me using his (family) car. So I offered to teach her in mine. But no, she can't afford it (learner insurance added to mine is an extra £20 a month) ... yet she smokes, they go away on holiday Christmas, Easter, summer and are off skiing next week...

It's nothing to do with the money. It's everything to do with not being bothered whilst all around her pic up the slack. And no, she isn't 'anxious' one little bit.

So you have a bug up your nose about all non drivers because one that you know is a CF?

I’m laughing at the logical option being teaching her to drive rather than just saying “no that’s not convenient”