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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why don't you drive. ?

921 replies

Fivetillmidnight · 05/02/2020 20:37

So many posts here from women with various issues , (mostly logistical) with an 'aside' of ... 'dp/DH drives I don't '.

AIBU to suggest that IF you have a car in the family ... AND you have at least one functioning eye, and either feet or hands that work well and no reason that the DVLA would ban you from driving for , then you should learn ?

My moderate/severe categorised Dss has just passed his test. ( well done him !) with the help of Motorbility . Surely if he can do it then there is no excuse not to learn ? and relieve the burden for a family where one is the sole driver (normally the man) .

But equally applicable to a family where the women does all the transportation.

Obviously not an issue for those who don't need a car. This refers to those where a car is used for the family and one adult does ALL the driving .

OP posts:
GinDaddy · 06/02/2020 16:35

@JamieVardysHavingAParty

boom, exactly this!

Fivetillmidnight · 06/02/2020 16:36

Thank you beyondmywits that was exactly what I was asking. I perfectly logical explanation to my question.

OP posts:
Borisdaspide · 06/02/2020 16:39

@OnlyFoolsnMothers are they actually asking (which is cheeky, I agree) or do you just feel like you ought to? It gets frustrating for non-drivers to be offered lifts we dont need, too Smile

GinDaddy · 06/02/2020 16:40

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

I think the people that annoy me more are the "oh i dont need a car in London. Why would I want the expense of a car"...yet are keen for look to me for a lift on way home from a dinner out because its cold, late or raining.....CFery!

No. this is not CFery. You are no different to the OP.

You seem to believe anyone who benefits from a car, should therefore learn how to drive it and own one.

That's absurd. It would mean tripling the number of cars on the road.

YOU have a legitimate reason for owning a car. You are benefiting from it. No one asked you to own one in order to give lifts.

Be a bit more generous, live a little more freely.

Sonichu · 06/02/2020 16:43

"I actually do not care if people are scared to drive (even though I dont understand the fear myself). I think the people that annoy me more are the "oh i dont need a car in London. Why would I want the expense of a car"...yet are keen for look to me for a lift on way home from a dinner out because its cold, late or raining.....CFery!"

If we're going to trot out tired old MN cliches; no is a complete sentence.

GinDaddy · 06/02/2020 16:43

in fact it's that whole superiority thing that gets me.

I've been a driver of a few years now, and I offer lifts. I don't think that the recipient of such lifts are cheeky, and should somehow work harder/pay more money out of their pocket to learn how to drive, then buy a car JUST so they can reciprocate?!

Musmerian · 06/02/2020 16:45

@Fivetillmidnight - you seem very militant. Surely it’s up to individuals and couples what they do. I can’t be arsed. I know it would take years to become confident and, to me, it’s not worth the hassle. Also not great for the environment.

milliefiori · 06/02/2020 16:52

Because if you have very slow response time which dyspraxics can have, and poor depth of vision so can't judge how far away something is or how fast or slow you need to be to pull in front of/behind it, bluntly, you could kill someone. I'd prefer to be one of those women people think is pathetic and passive, and not be a danger on the roads than put lives at risk by trying to overcome severe issues with spatial awareness and motor control which has been tested as in the lowest 0.6/100% of population. As has DS1. Neither of us is physically capable of catching a tennis ball if you throw it at us because we just can't judge how far away or fast the ball is moving towards us. Transfer that weakness to traffic at night or in the rain or motorway sliproads...

I don't know what physical issues your DS has but if they are not spatial and to do with motor control then an adapted vehicle can mean he is as safe and capable as anyone else. But some of us have invisible disabilities which we are well aware of and take responsibility for.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 06/02/2020 16:55

GinDaddy I disagree. I have a car for convenience. I personally have decides to have fork out £5k for my car, £375 quid a year insurance, £30 a year road tax and £20 a month petrol to enable me to avoid paying for ubers, and waiting for a bus. Thats my right and choice.
Absolutely zero issue if someone wants to avoid those costs but you dont get the benefit of a car then.
Yes such friends do angle their conversation "oh are you going past mine"...

I would love to travel to work without paying tfl for my travel, sadly not a choice.

Vulpine · 06/02/2020 16:56

Its a bit cheeky to be told to be generous just because you have a car

AhhARadoxBath · 06/02/2020 17:00

I never used to because. A, my ex did.
B. everything was local. Enough to walk or bus. C. My ex kept trying to force me to drive, not to take the pressure off him as I rarely asked for anything, I was so pressured I failed test twice. D lessons are expensive. Running a car is expensive

When we split I still didn't want to at first. But then one nye I thought this Yr I will drive. I passed in the march. Main reasons. No pressure. Bus routes cut drastically but the prices went up by double. It wasn't feasible.

Best thing I did. However its made me very lazy.

GinDaddy · 06/02/2020 17:00

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

We will have to respectfully agree to disagree.

I don't think other people are "avoiding costs" just because they don't drive a car.

I think there are times when if everyone is going somewhere socially, and someone has CHOSEN the financial burden of a car, then it's no bad thing to offer if, and only if, you feel that's part of what you want to do as a person.

You clearly feel those people are taking the mick a little if they're subtly inquiring, and I see your point.

However I'm just not of the school of "you should have to pay an Uber just on principle because I have to pay for the car".

It's a swings and roundabouts thing, what goes around etc - I give mates lifts, but the things they give me over the years...I think it all evens out in the end.

YasssKween · 06/02/2020 17:03

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Can't you just say no to lifts if you don't want to give them?

Shinycat · 06/02/2020 17:06

@cologne4711

My 80 year old mother would say yes. She is often running her friends to hospital appointments etc. But they don't take her because they either don't drive at all or won't drive more than 2 miles at a time. It could be a generational thing, but I am guessing a lot of the anxious female non-drivers or very occasional drivers on this thread are only in their 30s or 40s.

I don't like motorway driving. But I have had to get off my bottom to do it on occasion because my son needs taking to places. It would not be fair to deny him access to events he wants to attend because I am a wimp. I take A roads when possible but sometimes it just takes far too long. And as I mentioned in a previous post, public transport starts too late on a Sunday to get to a lot of places on time. So I've had to get over myself.

Excellent post. Also, yeah you're right, that many women are going to be properly fucked if their DH dies, or leaves them, or cannot drive because he is ill.

I have seen many a woman (over the years,) who didn't bother to learn to drive because 'oooh I'm soooooo nervous' or 'Oh I can't afford it!' whilst spending £30-40 a week on smoking, or wine, or going out to the pub, and £50-75 a time on their hair/nails/make up/fake tan. Although I am sure the women on here claiming they could not afford to learn to drive, spent absolutely nothing on anything EVER. Hmm

And these same women, (when their husbands leave/die/can't drive anymore) are suddenly cadging lifts, and expecting anyone and everyone with a car, to be their personal chauffeur.

A woman who lives near me has been married 40 years (her and her DH are both 62,) and he has always driven them EVERYWHERE. He had a heart attack last summer, and is no longer allowed to drive. At LEAST 3 times a week, her DD (who is a working woman with 2 kids) does a 25 miles round trip to take her and her DH here there and everywhere; various appointments, to the doctors, the hospital, the clinic, the shopping centre etc etc, and she has fully admitted to me (the daughter) that's it's a bloody nuisance.

There is no public transport in our village, and taxis cost a fortune, so the woman opposite (and her DH) are the local market town is 6 miles away, so they are basically isolated. Yeah - to all the people saying 'get the bus/train/tube,' some places DO NOT have public transport, and not everyone lives in pissing LONDON. Hmm

Also, my DH's brother works with a woman who never learned to drive, because she was 'too scared,' Hmm And her husband brings her in and comes to fetch her, for every single shift she does. Sometimes she works til 10pm, and her DH has to do a 12 mil round trip to get her. Even when he has been at work all day himself, and has work the next day. Fuck that. No WAY would be doing that.

As I said, we are ALL nervous about driving and most people cannot afford it!

Shinycat · 06/02/2020 17:07

@GinDaddy

Be a bit more generous, live a little more freely.

You are actually saying be more generous and give lifts to people who can't drive/can't be arsed to learn? Hmm

Nah, I'll pass ta. Go find some other mug to use as a free taxi.

You seem HUGELY invested in this thread gindaddy, is it hitting a raw nerve with you? Wink

And yeah, I WOULD find a man who couldn't be arsed to learn to drive very unappealing. So what? I am entitled to my views, just as YOU are entitled to yours. Wink

You seem to be taking things some people have said on here VERY personally. Why is that? Confused

As @OnlyFoolsnMothers said, it's absolute tripe that people don't angle for lifts. Happens all the time, and it always has. Some (not all) people who don't drive/can't be arsed to learn DO slyly hint at getting a lift. It's utter bollocks to say that never happens.

Monstermummymum · 06/02/2020 17:09

Money. It is so expensive to learn and my DH can't teach me as his car is a company car.

TeddyBeans · 06/02/2020 17:10

Because the idea of being in control of a tonne vehicle terrifies me and have you seen some of the idiots on the road these days!? Would much rather take the train thank you!

formerbabe · 06/02/2020 17:11

It's really awkward to refuse or not offer lifts in some circumstances.

Let's say two women are having dinner. They leave the restaurant and its dark. Women A has her car sitting there and woman B doesn't drive. How awkward for woman A to get in her car leaving woman B standing on the pavement at night to potentially get a bus or get a cab.

GinDaddy · 06/02/2020 17:12

@Shinycat

Oh look, here's another poster who instead of arguing the point, uses the "overly invested" schtick as a way of trying to get rid of the person they're talking to.

I am not over-invested, any more than anyone else who has posted multiple replies.

I drive, I give lifts, I didn't drive before, so I see both perspectives. I am allowed to state my opinion, no?

As for "go and find some other mug to use as a free taxi"...well I'm glad I don't have friends who thought this way when I didn't drive and accepted lifts, and likewise they don't see me as a mug now that I do.

It's sad people seem to think driving is some sort of patronage to be handed out to the worthy, and those who don't suffer similar financial burden shouldn't benefit. Hope you enjoy all that space in your car.

I'm not taking things personally at all. None of my replies or any comments are about me! So how can it be personal?

formerbabe · 06/02/2020 17:13

Money. It is so expensive to learn and my DH can't teach me as his car is a company car

Yet your dh managed to learn.

Monstermummymum · 06/02/2020 17:13

I also want to add that I think your post is rude and you assume a lot. My DH learnt two years ago and it cost us over £2000. We don't have that money at the moment. We would only ever have one car because of the environmental impact so really there is no need for me to learn as he would have car for work. My children love getting public transport and we never struggle to get anywhere.

SimonJT · 06/02/2020 17:15

Boyfriends just got in, he confirmed that he doesn’t feel like a 1950’s housewife because he can’t drive.

Alsohuman · 06/02/2020 17:16

*It's really awkward to refuse or not offer lifts in some circumstances.

Let's say two women are having dinner. They leave the restaurant and its dark. Women A has her car sitting there and woman B doesn't drive. How awkward for woman A to get in her car leaving woman B standing on the pavement at night to potentially get a bus or get a cab*

Woman A in that scenario wouldn’t even think of not taking woman B home in the circles I move in. MN is completely bonkers when it comes to lifts.

GinDaddy · 06/02/2020 17:17

@formerbabe

Yet your dh managed to learn

My god, seriously?

Maybe her DH learned when he was a teenager, perhaps his parents helped. Maybe they lived outside a city and felt it was necessary as a skill. Maybe he learned at a time when his only outgoings were for himself. Perhaps people's finances don't have exactly the same pressures on them at every year or stage of their life.

Hmm
Limensoda · 06/02/2020 17:18

Driving isn't compulsory.
I stopped driving years ago because of too many idiots,who think they can drive, being on the road. My nerves couldn't take any more.
I don't depend in anyone for lifts, not even my DP. If I'm going somewhere he isn't going, I use buses or trains....or walk.

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