Why don't you drive. ?

[Fivetillmidnight]

So many posts here from women with various issues , (mostly logistical) with an 'aside' of ... 'dp/DH drives I don't '.

AIBU to suggest that IF you have a car in the family ... AND you have at least one functioning eye, and either feet or hands that work well and no reason that the DVLA would ban you from driving for , then you should learn ?

My moderate/severe categorised Dss has just passed his test. ( well done him !) with the help of Motorbility . Surely if he can do it then there is no excuse not to learn ? and relieve the burden for a family where one is the sole driver (normally the man) .

But equally applicable to a family where the women does all the transportation.

Obviously not an issue for those who don't need a car. This refers to those where a car is used for the family and one adult does ALL the driving .

@Fivetillmidnight
Your stepson would not be eligible to sit his driving test here in Ireland. And for what it’s worth, I think those regulations make sense.

It's a balance between cost/convenience.

Most people won't have an available loved one to teach them for 2hrs a week for 20 weeks, so it's £200 a month for a while at least. My lessons are £35 an hour!

We lived in London for a decade and didn't need or want a car. Cars aren't free to run and we enjoyed the extra disposable income. DH drove when necessary (mostly on holiday) but he preferred that to me spending every Saturday morning and £280 a month on lessons.

We now live in the suburbs with a 6mo DC so I need to drive and have been learning intermittently since pregnancy. I shudder to think of the cost, if we'd stayed in London I wouldn't have bothered.

I have poor concentration. Have tried and failed the test many times. I cant face trying any more.

Mistake-your 17 year old daughter!

To those saying it is lazy/selfish not to try and learn to drive - what would you think of someone like me? I have tried. God, I've tried. I couldn't even hazard a guess at how much I have spent on lessons. 4 different instructors. I won't even post on an anonymous forum how many tests I have taken and failed as it is too embarrassing.

In your view, should I keep trying even though it makes me anxious and miserable, and even though while it would be handy for me to drive as well as DH, it is certainly not essential?

I had 3 wrong instructors before finding the right one. The first 3 were all chatterboxes who distracted me and stopped me building up confidence (and I think the first was a cowboy who was deliberately holding me back). . The one I finally passed with was a taciturn type who hardly said a word except when it was necessary. I passed the first test I took with him.

Taught her myself (as could any DP/DH )

Wrong. I can drive however learning was a nightmare for me. I was a nervous wreck during every lesson, it took me around 50 lessons just because I was so nervous and constantly doubted myself. Even now, if I do drive, it's on routes that I'm familiar with. If I have to get to another city, I take the train or bus.

I would not be capable of teaching anyone else to drive. I would be a nervous wreck and probably instill the same levels of anxiety into them.

1. Grew up in single parent family on benefits (80s/90s). Mum didn’t drive, couldn’t afford car anyway, hell we didn’t even have a fridge or enough to eat.
2. All money I earnt as a young person paid for my education/living costs. Often food.
3. Only lived in places such as London where car not necessary, in fact more trouble than it’s worth.
4. Also money - paying off student loans/saving for house deposit more important.
5. Environmental concerns is a big one! I am only just starting to learn to drive since we got an EV. I am only going to get automatic licence as I only ever want to drive EVs. They’re great! ICE cars are not something I want anything to do with.

This thread is displaying the usual MN inability to see an issue from someone else’s point of view. Just because you find driving easy doesn’t mean it’s easy for everyone.

For what it’s worth, I passed my test aged 28 after having given up for years, convinced I could never do it. It is possible, but again, just because I did it doesn’t mean everyone can.

Mr Twiglets can drive, and did, for about ten years. Then he moved to a city centre flat without parking, so got rid of his car and just walked everywhere.

Now, it's 25+ years later, and he's driven my car around a car park once, about ten years ago, and that's it. He's too nervous to drive on the roads and roundabouts now terrify him.

Most of the time, it's okay. But the occasional longer drives to visit my family four hours away, sometimes done in one day due to work schedules, or me never being able to have a drink if we drive to see friends, gets on my wick a bit.

I took lessons when I was a teenager but before I got round to taking my test, three people I knew from school, all my age, died in car crashes, two while they were driving. Devastation doesn't even begin to describe the impact on their families. And there are constant reminders of how dangerous it is. I've tried a couple of times since, but I genuinely believe the roads are safer without very anxious drivers.

Because I live on an island where literally everything is accessible by foot.

Because walking is amazing to de-stress, and does wonders for your physical and mental health and I love it. If I want to go far, I'll just get ferry/train and walk when I get there. I'll get impatient waiting for the bus and just set off walking.

Also because I'm totally fucking blind and I'd definitely kill someone.

As for shopping and stuff, I have big bags.

I am not a "little woman". I don't rely on anyone. If I want to go somewhere, I work out the best way and I go. I don't need or want drive, and that is my choice. I could waste money learning, but then I would de-skill in never using it.

@Yeahnah2020 um... I made sure that I lived somewhere with excellent public transport? I got my groceries delivered with top-ups from the corner shop. I walked. A lot. It's actually pretty nice. Honestly, absolutely none of my friends where I used to live had a car, even with small children. A journey that takes 15 minutes on the bus would take 25 in a car, because of traffic and bus lanes.

Since we moved out of central London I'm having to adapt. Everything is a bit further away, and it would be handy if I could hop in the car for a nursery run or whatever. But we are surviving! Amazing, I know.

The only area where it affects me now, with the kids, is that it would be nice to drive to grandparents, friends etc outside the city, rather than having to take the train. But we get by.

Besides which, taking our relationship as a whole on balance, I think my DH - even doing the very small amount of driving that we do as a family - does a lot less than me, so I don't care if it puts him out a bit. When he starts getting up 50% of the time with the kids, maybe I will feel a bit worse that I don't do 50% of the driving.

this actually infuriates me. just because someone can has the physical capacity to learn doesn't mean they can actually learn. I've tried and better tried. I can't do it. literally can't. can't get my head around it. besides what business is it of yours. bloody judgemental.

My bloke’s a bloody awful passenger, he hates being driven by anybody. Whenever we go out together he automatically picks up the keys and walks to the right of the car. It would be the easiest thing in the world for me to stop driving. There are many good and valid reasons for not driving. I think your tone is aggressive and bullying, OP, and a bit fanatical.

I genuinely believe the roads are safer without very anxious drivers

Fair point. They'd be even safer without the overconfident bolshy ones with no imagination though.

My bloke’s a bloody awful passenger, he hates being driven by anybody. Whenever we go out together he automatically picks up the keys and walks to the right of the car. It would be the easiest thing in the world for me to stop driving

but don't you ever need to go anywhere without him? It is usually the case that the big man drives and little woman sits in the passenger seat when they're together - but women often need to do things by themselves too. And even if you are joined at the hip, if you have more than one child you may need to take them to different places at the same time.

They'd be even safer without the overconfident bolshy ones

Fully agree

AIBU to suggest that IF you have a car in the family ... AND you have at least one functioning eye, and either feet or hands that work well and no reason that the DVLA would ban you from driving for , then you should learn?

Well if the people are involved aren't happy with the set up then that's their look out. If they are? Yup, still their lookout.

All you women who choose not to drive, what would you do if your husband left and suddenly you can't get your children to activities they like because you can't drive ? How would you deal with your choice of jobs being limited

I'm a driver and a single parent. I also broke my leg 3 years ago. I managed through my parents, friends and taxis. I have reciprocated to the parents/friends since.

Let's not pretend this thread is a mass of concern about vulnerable women, its a thinly veiled "aren't I great" from the OP.

Never been a priority financially, my family were very poor and we lived in the middle of nowhere growing up so I couldn’t easily get a job to pay for lessons as a teenager, then I was a single mum from the age of 18 and even if I’d been able to put aside money for lessons (and been able to sort regular childcare so I could have time for the lessons) it would have been very hard for me to save enough for a car and the ongoing costs of fuel/tax/insurance/etc just wouldn’t have been possible for me.

Now I have the money but I don’t have the time! I’ll be starting lessons when my toddler starts nursery. I do live in a town with pretty much everything I need and decent public transport though.

but don't you ever need to go anywhere without him?

Yes I do, which is why I still drive. I was just saying it wouldn’t affect my life much at all if I chose not to, particularly since we have an excellent bus service and the train station is within walking distance.

Fgs. People have reasons, OP. Nobody cares whether you think those reasons are valid or not. Driving is one life skill amongst many. Not many people are amazing at all of them. Some of the people who can't drive are actually men! Besides, we'll probably all be in self-driving cars in a decade or so and it won't matter.

My bloke’s a bloody awful passenger, he hates being driven by anybody. Whenever we go out together he automatically picks up the keys and walks to the right of the car. It would be the easiest thing in the world for me to stop driving

Now this is a very common trope, and goes a very long way to explain the number of women with serious anxiety and lack of confidence around driving.

I have a motor disability. I tried incredibly hard to pass the test, but have failed it 7 times. I go into full on panic mode with practical tests, and my already shit coordination fails completely. The theory I passed first time without losing a moment of sleep.

I drove Uganda where the test is far less exacting.

However the older I get the slower my processing seems to get. Given today’s busy roads, my personal judgement is I would not be safe. I couldn’t forgive myself if I did somehow managed to pass the test and then killed or hurt someone because my reactions were not fast enough.

It’s a pain, my life would be much easier if I could drive, but it’s not worth the risk to me.

I don't want to.

Is that a good enough reason?