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AIBU?

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Original poster

Why don't you drive. ?

921 replies

Fivetillmidnight · 05/02/2020 20:37

So many posts here from women with various issues , (mostly logistical) with an 'aside' of ... 'dp/DH drives I don't '.

AIBU to suggest that IF you have a car in the family ... AND you have at least one functioning eye, and either feet or hands that work well and no reason that the DVLA would ban you from driving for , then you should learn ?

My moderate/severe categorised Dss has just passed his test. ( well done him !) with the help of Motorbility . Surely if he can do it then there is no excuse not to learn ? and relieve the burden for a family where one is the sole driver (normally the man) .

But equally applicable to a family where the women does all the transportation.

Obviously not an issue for those who don't need a car. This refers to those where a car is used for the family and one adult does ALL the driving .

OP posts:
corythatwas · 06/02/2020 06:51

The days of people living within a mile of their workplace, all their family, all their mates, all the pubs, the doctors, the dentists, the hairdressers, the opticians, the hospital, the bookies, the local street market, every shop they need, and a main bus route, are long gone!

I live in a suburb that was built in 1910 or thereabouts. Walking a couple of miles doesn't take longer now than it did then, pushing a pram isn't more tiring then it was then, groceries only weigh more if you buy things you don't need.
Yes, some people live in isolated occasions, but then they always did. More people live in urban conglomerations now than in 1910.
We've had posters on this thread telling us it is selfish not to drive and then motivating it in the next line by telling us taking the bus is too tiring. Why is doing something tiring but beneficial for the environment selfish? I can see why you might not feel able to, and you may well be right and justified, but- selfish?
If you are somebody who needs to drive but whose children will still be at risk from the polluted air in this country and may well be affected by climate change, why feel angry with the people who feel able to walk a couple of miles with their groceries or wait at the bus stop in the rain? Why not feel grateful instead? Wouldn't a better attitude be "I'm not able to do this, and I won't feel bad about it, but I'm glad you do". Ditto with bad drivers.

TheVanguardSix · 06/02/2020 06:51

Because I really hate driving and being in cars. I think it's because I grew up and learned to drive in California, where you're stuck in a car, parked on a freeway underneath sparkling skies. It's a climate that begs you to immerse yourself in it, but if you live in and around Southern California, you're just in a car all the time. I hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

I need to move my body. I have to walk. I have to cycle or else I get quite depressed and agitated. Driving is bad for my own mental health. I know this. So I avoid being in cars whenever possible. Just to add, I drove for years. I really, really do have an aversion to driving which I simply honour.

EstebanTheMagnificent · 06/02/2020 06:52

I see your point, OP, although you’ve had a very hard time here. The myriad (valid) reasons that pp have given don’t seem to apply to the majority of men and I really think a very big part of it comes down to social conditioning. If you live in a very rural community like the one where I grew up, everyone who is physically able to drives because that’s just the way of life. Everyone learns, and they do so at a fairly young age before everything else can get in the way.

corythatwas · 06/02/2020 06:55

If you live in a very rural community like the one where I grew up, everyone who is physically able to drives because that’s just the way of life

If everyone who needs to drive because they live in a rural community already does so, then what is the problem? Why do more people who are not in this situation need to drive? Do we need more drivers in this country? Wouldn't it be better for everyone if fewer people drove and if more people got used to using alternatives to driving as often as possible?

Spidey66 · 06/02/2020 06:58

Have tried, and never took to it. I live in London so not essential.

EstebanTheMagnificent · 06/02/2020 06:59

I didn’t say it was a problem. I was making an observation. In communities where it’s necessary to drive in order to lead a functioning life of work / socialising etc anxiety isn’t really an option. That’s all.

AnyCreamWillDo · 06/02/2020 07:01

Have you ever considered minding your own business and letting each couple work out for themselves what works for them for whatever reason?

It's clearly not an issue for you so why are you so bothered about what everyone else's arrangements are?

It's very nice that you've managed to get your children through their test but I don't think you need to run anyone else down in order to pat yourself on the back, which is how this comes across to me.

Newmetoday · 06/02/2020 07:06

I learned 4 years ago at 39. It cost me around £1200 all in and I passed first time. It costs me a lot to maintain the car, never mind the cost of the car.
What about the environment? We get lectured non stop on other threads about it but on here, it’s not mentioned? Very strange

Mombie2016 · 06/02/2020 07:10

Because I can't fucking afford it, that's why Hmm Is that difficult to grasp?

£40 per lesson, no idea how many I'd need, nobody to take me driving in their car, my Gran offered to give me her car if I ever manage to afford lessons - it's a small roundabout, nothing flash, insurance over £2000, plus petrol, breakdown cover, money aside for repairs...

Nope. Don't have that sort of money. Never have had that sort of money.

Mombie2016 · 06/02/2020 07:11

*runabout not roundabout

Plus I live in the city and don't need a car so I'll keep my carbon footprint down by not having one.

DimplesToadfoot · 06/02/2020 07:16

@northernknickers

I was diagnosed in 1998. I didn't actually inform DVLA my doctor did. DVLA wrote to me including a prepaid envelope asking for my licence, I've never been allowed it back.

itsme · 06/02/2020 07:19

I dont drive because I am more than capable of walking or using public transport. I dont need a car.

TheMemoryLingers · 06/02/2020 07:20

Because it terrifies me.

Vulpine · 06/02/2020 07:23

It is a basic life skill that i realise not everyone needs but i would hate to rely upon someone else for something like that.

JollyAndBright · 06/02/2020 07:23

All you women who choose not to drive, what would you do if your husband left and suddenly you can't get your children to activities they like because you can't drive ? How would you deal with your choice of jobs being limited ?

It would have no effect on me,
I am not reliant on DP driving me anywhere, I have a car service for work (written into my contract) and DS doesn’t go to activities that require driving.

Theredjellybean · 06/02/2020 07:27

I get the point the OP is making.
My dp's ex learnt to drive, passed first time, had her own car, but wouldn't drive.
He did all the driving.
It wasn't just nights out always being the designated driver, it was things like trying to juggle getting home in time to take kids to clubs etc.
His job was and still is very long hours, lots of travel to States etc. High level executive type.
He'd come of a red eye flight and have to go straight into full on family taxi service at weekends.
He said it did piss him. Off.
They did live on outer London with good transport links but she didn't like using bus or the kids using it.

PineappleDanish · 06/02/2020 07:31

All the "Oh but we live in LONDON!" comments really make me laugh. Yes we all know that public transport in London is great. But you might (shock, horror) want to leave London! I know!! Venture into that scary, barren world outside the M25 and beyond the reaches of the tube.

Drive, don't drive, doesn't bother me. But if you haven't bothered your backside to learn, or have learned and are out of practice, or have put weird restrictions on yourself about not driving in town, or on motorways, or in the dark, or in a month with a Y in it - no I won't be going out of my way to give you a lift.

TheMemoryLingers · 06/02/2020 07:34

All you women who choose not to drive, what would you do if your husband left

Er ... the same I did for the thirty years before I married him. And for the periods of our marriage when we couldn't afford a car.

SabineSchmetterling · 06/02/2020 07:34

I go outside of London, usually by train.

daisypond · 06/02/2020 07:35

When DC were at uni, both were 140 to 180 miles away, and we shared the driving when going to take them/fetch them back.
I’ve got DC at uni 200 miles away. We don’t drive them there or fetch back. They get the train or coach like normal people.

seadog1977 · 06/02/2020 07:35

Iv learned to drive in the last couple of years I'm 43. The only reason being is that my step dad was training to be a driving instructor, so I was used as a training tool for him , he charged me £5 hour .... if I had to pay normal prices there's no way I could have afforded to do it .

My husband isn't the type of person that would be relaxed enough to teach and also trying to learn to drive when you have two pre school kids in the car would have been a nightmare . I had to wait til they went to school.

I was very lucky.

squeekums · 06/02/2020 07:42

In communities where it’s necessary to drive in order to lead a functioning life of work / socialising etc anxiety isn’t really an option. That’s all

I live rural and don't drive due to anxiety. Complete with flashbacks and panic attacks in the driver side of a car.
I can online shop anything I need, what I can't get I can get in the local shop which is walking distance, which I actually enjoy the walk, it's peaceful. Hell more options online than anywhere near home anyways for clothes, furniture, shoes, toys.
Dp drops dd at bus stop for the public school she attends town over, if we really needed then we could put her on a bus that stops in town from the private school it just costs money and we could walk
DD isn't sporty so don't need to be taken to various activities. The kid will be a tech programmer I swear....
Due to dp PTSD he dont want me driving to the city, as an ex truck driver he has seen the worst of worst and agrees with me, how I react and how many assholes on the road are not a safe mix for anyone.
Even if I did drive, there no work out here. I will have more luck working from home, online once I finish my study
We homebodies, me driving or not lol. Even with dp driving we have used the excuse not enough petrol simply cos we didnt wanna go out.

It's entirely possible to live rural and not drive.

DriveMeCrazy1974 · 06/02/2020 07:46

I don't drive because I would cause an accident, I think, if I did. I find it increasingly difficult to be in a car and not panic when any other vehicle is near our car! Honestly, road users are much safer without me driving.

moderate · 06/02/2020 07:46

YANBU. Everyone should learn to drive.

Also, everyone should take a course in basic mechanics. What's the point in driving if you remain reliant on someone to maintain your car?

Furthermore, the theory of car maintenance is all well and good, but at some point, welding is going to be required. Nobody should be without basic oxyacetylene equipment.

At the end of the day, welding is a physio-chemical process, so everyone should really undertake a course in fluid dynamics and the chemistry of metals.

And of course, what's the point of any of this stuff if you can't achieve peace? Everyone should be practicing Zen Buddhism instead of watching TV.

On a more serious note, I do understand where the OP is coming from on the gendered aspect, but I hope she understands the myriad reasons people have for not driving and the way different people balance the priorities in their lives differently.

Weebitawks · 06/02/2020 07:51

Jesus there are enough people on the road who shouldn't be without encouraging more OP! If people aren't comfortable driving, leave then to it.

We should be encouraging more people to use public transport, not drive.

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