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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not going to my sisters wedding.

142 replies

Patsyfm · 05/02/2020 15:04

My sister is getting married for the third time, second time to her second husband.
I have decided not to go due to her inviting family that didn't acknowledge the death of my daughter 2 years ago. Her wedding takes place 3days before my girls anniversary and I just cannot put myself into that situation. Understandably she is upset and I've had a mouthful from her friend about being selfish. Am I?

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 05/02/2020 15:09

If you can't do it, then you're not being selfish. Your feelings are your feelings.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 05/02/2020 15:10

I'm sorry about your daughter Flowers

Mrsjayy · 05/02/2020 15:13

If you are not up to it then you are not up to it people have opinions but their opinions do not matter your feelings matter,I am so sorry about your daughter Flowers

Butterflyflower1234 · 05/02/2020 15:15

OP you are absolutely not being selfish. Two years is not a long time and rightly so you will not be in the best frame of mind for celebrations so close to the anniversary.

It sounds like your sister is just doing a retie the knot if she's already married. You do not need to be there. Please do not allow anyone to bully you.

PersephoneandHades · 05/02/2020 15:17

You don't need to be around people who didn't acknowledge your child's death, you are not being selfish at all and your sister should understand that especially so close to the anniversary.

Take care OP Flowers

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/02/2020 15:19

You're not being selfish at all. You owe them nothing. Look after yourself Flowers

QueSera · 05/02/2020 15:21

I'm so sorry about your daughter OP Flowers
YANBU. I would feel the exact same as you. Your feelings are important OP, you shouldn't be guilt-tripped into being in a situation that will make you so uncomfortable and vulnerable.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/02/2020 15:23

So sorry about your daughter and the lack of support from your family. That must have hurt terribly.

I think you have to look after yourself here; don't let her make you feel bad. 2 years is not a long time to get over something like that and I can totally understand that the time around the anniversary will be painful. Flowers

1forAll74 · 05/02/2020 15:27

No you are not selfish at all, you have to stay true to your own feelings. It does not matter what others may think, You will always get someone who has issues with what another person does.

saraclara · 05/02/2020 15:28

I'm not sure what you mean about not acknowledging the death? How close are these family members? And did they not send any message of condolence? Refuse to come to the funeral?

The timing of the wedding is obviously not good at all. But the reason for not attending seems to be these people, and I don't quite understand that side of things.

Personally I think I'd try to attend the ceremony, but explain that it's difficult for you to party afterwards, given the timing.

speakout · 05/02/2020 15:31

She is marrying her husband for the second time?

Did they divorce?

roses2 · 05/02/2020 15:32

Sorry to hear about your daughter Flowers. Perhaps you can go to her fourth wedding to her next husband Grin

Porcupineinwaiting · 05/02/2020 15:32

If you cant face it, you cant face it but I can see why your sister is upset. Flowers

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 05/02/2020 15:33

Oh OP so sorry about your daughter

Your DS friend is out of order

If you think you can't bear it, you can't bear it, don't go.

But if you could, I would go to the ceremony at least for the sake of your relationship with your sister. I don't really see why you should be expected to be the reasonable one in this situation, though.

shoesSHOES · 05/02/2020 15:34

sorry about your daughter.

you’ve had a mouthful from her friend - WTF? who does that? her friend sounds like a cowbag and needs to butt out.

If you don’t want to go, don’t go. If you don’t want to be around people you can choose. its nobody else’s business to dictate this or how to feel about anything, especially something so deeply distressing and personally tragic.

Your sister is marrying 2nd husband for 2nd time - what? is she Elizabeth Taylor? does she have a thing for wedding cake?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 05/02/2020 15:36

I was in a similar position to you, in that not one of my 4 siblings came to my daughter's funeral, or phoned or visited. Nothing. So when they have had events since then, or have needed help, I have not felt the need to go, or to offer help in any way.

I don't feel bitter towards them, I just feel that they made a statement about our relationship and changed what we are to each other.

Anniversaries are hard enough in the early days (I've had 13 years to learn how best to get through the day, but after 2 years I didn't feel fully over the shock of my loss yet). You don't need any extra stress, so just be kind to yourself. If this isn't something you feel you can cope with then you are right to not go.

OvenGlovesWillTearUsApart · 05/02/2020 15:39

Oops, pressed YABU by mistake, then changed it to YANBU.

Do what’s right for you, you’ve had a horrible time. Some people are right dickheads aren’t they?

Cheeseandwin5 · 05/02/2020 15:41

YANBU to not want to go as it is your daughters anniversary and will be a very traumatic time. To be honest I think your sister is BU by having the wedding date so close without consulting you to see if you were happy with it and as for the friend she needs to STFU
I think that you may need to rethink your views on family who didnt acknowledge your daughters death though. They may have wanted to and not know how to proceed or what to say. They may also feel terrible about not doing so.

Rationalcat · 05/02/2020 15:42

I echo PPs who say you are not being selfish to put yourself first at this time.

Sorry for your loss, don't let anyone make it harder for you. Flowers

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 05/02/2020 15:45

I agree that your feelings are your feelings and you should do whatever you wish. However, it sounds like you're punishing your sister for the actions of other people? That's not strictly fair - that said, timing and circumstances mean I don't blame you for not going.

midlifecrisis64 · 05/02/2020 15:47

Difficult one, but if your sister wasn't one of the aforementioned relatives, then it does seem a little unfair that you would take it out on her by not attending. I am very sorry about your DD. Could you just go and not speak to those concerned?

Mrsjayy · 05/02/2020 15:48

You know being "selfish" is ok sometimes we need to be selfish to protect ourselves how dare that friend tell you how you should act it is none of their business.

saraclara · 05/02/2020 15:52

if your sister wasn't one of the aforementioned relatives, then it does seem a little unfair that you would take it out on her by not attending.

Yep. That's what I wanted to say, but somehow didn't. I'd still go with the ceremony only as a compromise.

katy1213 · 05/02/2020 15:53

I couldn't get terribly excited about a third wedding. Triumph of hope over experience? Maybe you could tell her you'll try to make it for the fourth? Hope she's not expecting gifts!

norealshepherds · 05/02/2020 15:54

I’m so sorry about your daughterFlowers don’t go if it’s too much for you

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