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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not going to my sisters wedding.

142 replies

Patsyfm · 05/02/2020 15:04

My sister is getting married for the third time, second time to her second husband.
I have decided not to go due to her inviting family that didn't acknowledge the death of my daughter 2 years ago. Her wedding takes place 3days before my girls anniversary and I just cannot put myself into that situation. Understandably she is upset and I've had a mouthful from her friend about being selfish. Am I?

OP posts:
RunForBurritos · 05/02/2020 18:46

I am very sorry about your daughter OP.
Two things : the poor timing is reason enough for you to not go, especially since you have already attended the exact same wedding, of the exact same two people!
Secondly, if your sister has an issue, e.g she feels that she is stuck between two sides of her family, it is a discussion that SHE should have with you, ideally in a sensitive, supportive manner.
Her friend has no business lecturing you.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 05/02/2020 18:48

OK, so my daughter was 12 and we lived in the same village as my aunties & uncles. They knew her. I thought I was a close member of their family but when none of them came to my door to offer condolences or her funeral I think they can't think of me as close family.

patsyfm - That is dreadful! I would wash my hands of "family" like that. How unbelievably cruel.

Flowers
Yeahnah2020 · 05/02/2020 18:54

No you are not being selfish!! And for god sakes the second time to her second husband??? Totally ridiculous anyway.

BillieEilish · 05/02/2020 18:55

Oh OPFlowers

No way on earth I would be going to this 'wedding' and for what it's worth, if I was your sister I would be embarrassed and doing a very small ceremony with only my DH anyway

What does she need to have a song and dance about third time round second time round to the same man? Tacky in the extreme.

Your update made me Sad in the extreme. Do not go.

richteasandcheese · 05/02/2020 18:56

They knew her 12 years - jesus fucking christ, I don't understand why your parents and sister haven't bloody disowned them for their abhorrent, vile behaviour. I'm so sorry your daughter died and I'm so sorry your family are not being the people you need or deserve

RunForBurritos · 05/02/2020 18:57

Just seen your update OP. Those people are absolutely disgusting. Not attending the funeral is bad enough , but it can happen. But no kind word , no card , no message? Absolutely awful.
If you don't know what to say, say just that.
That you are very sorry and that you have no words.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 05/02/2020 18:59

I can assure you that not acknowledging a work colleagues miscarriage is not comparable with family not acknowledging the death of a twelve year old relative. That is despicable and could never be forgiven

This ^

Especially a miscarriage of a pregnancy that hardly anyone knew about - it would have been cruel to acknowledge it in a case like this, as the colleague obviously didn't' want the news - good or bad - made public.

The OP was in an entirely different position - her child died, and ^no-one acknowledged her loss, or even had the courtesy to attend the funeral. Lots of people are at a loss to know what to say when there has been a bereavement - so just say "I'm sorry", or don't say anything; just be there.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/02/2020 19:00

Circumstances aside, for which YANBU, I’d not be going to a third wedding. Vows are meant to be for life.

RunForBurritos · 05/02/2020 19:02

I agree, it is very awkward to acknowledge the loss of a pregnancy if you had not been informed personally of the pregnancy.
You would worry about being tactless.

Willow2017 · 05/02/2020 19:20

I think you are being unreasonable, but grief can be irrational so I don't think that's the measure of things here. You seem to be lashing out a bit in ways that are unlikely to help you move forward and will alienate those who you love.
Ffs!

Ops sister has invited all the family whom op was close to but chose to ignore the fact her 12yr old daughter had died, for a big celebration 3 days before the anniversary if her death but op has to think of them before herself?

Expecting her to attend, thats not irrational?

Wtaf?

BoomBoomsCousin · 05/02/2020 19:21

@Jaichangecentfoisdenom I haven't, no. And perhaps you're right that it's too rational an approach for this situation, especially given the OP's update.

I'm sorry Patsyfm if my post was unhelpful in any way.

TARSCOUT · 05/02/2020 19:22

@Giveherhellfromus. For a small gathering such as a meal, I would most certainly agree, for something as special as my sisters wedding then I wouldn't consider not attending due to other people being there. I may not stay late, would take the car, not drink etc, but I certainly wouldn't miss it (apart from the date, I think that's understandable). The thing is we don't know exactly why these people ignored the death of OPs child, I can't imagine anyone ignoring the death of a child, far less numerous people, so based on the information given, that would be my opinion. OP has to do what she feels is right regardless of what others think however that's the difficulty of posting on a public form.

Twuntsrule · 05/02/2020 19:23

I am so very sorry for your loss and the insensitivity of your family and their friends. They sound like a bunch of cunts, and I'd ghost the lot. (Perhaps if you have a chance to talk to your DS and she is properly horrified by her friends' behavior and realizes how awful your aunts/uncles were, you need not cut her off completely, but she's no innocent in this.)

Please do take good care of yourself and NEVER let anyone bully you into attending an uncomfortable situation. NEVER. (FFS, when my DearCat passed, I was too busy mourning to accept invites, and yet, most people showed empathy.) Sending hugs to you and condolences on the loss of your daughter. Flowers

Willow2017 · 05/02/2020 19:26

Op tell the friend to get ti fuck.
Of course you are not unreasonable not to go. I cannot imagine how you must feel every single day never mind on the anniversary.
So sorry for the tragic loss of your daughter.
If your ds has any redeeming features she will understand why her selfish inconsiderate choice of date means you cant go.
Flowers

LochJessMonster · 05/02/2020 19:30

Two separate reasons-

Not going because she’s invited someone you don’t like- YABU
Not going because it’s the anniversary of your daughter death- YANBU

SunshineCake · 05/02/2020 19:35

Who the hell said you were being unreasonable?

I'm so sorry your dd died and tbh nothing you feel is unreasonable when their cruelty regarding your loss is concerned.

Willow2017 · 05/02/2020 19:40

The thing is we don't know exactly why these people ignored the death of OPs child, I can't imagine anyone ignoring the death of a child, far less numerous people

What does it matter why?
Ops aunts and uncles all living in her village chose to ignore what happened. They wiped a child they had known 12 years out of thier lives with no comment. They ignored op and her family when they needed support the most.
Op is right to have nothing to do with them. How do you suppose she could ignore them all at a wedding?
I cant imagine climbing mount Everest but other people still do it. Just because you havent experienced it doesnt mean they get a get a free pass for thier behaviour.

Her sister is on her 3rd wedding, her 2nd to the same guy its hardly the society wedding of the year! If her sister cared a jot she wouldnt have picked that date in the first place how utterly self absorbed.

AriadnesFilament · 05/02/2020 19:43

@TARSCOUT 🙄 There’s always one. Sometimes you really don’t need to try dig into why the other people mentioned in the OP have behaved like arseholes: they are just arseholes
Ffs

Willow2017 · 05/02/2020 19:43

Not going because she’s invited someone you don’t like- YABU

"Dont like"????

WTF?
Did you even read what they did?

TSSDNCOP · 05/02/2020 19:44

You can always go to the next one Grin

TheTrollFairy · 05/02/2020 19:47

I wouldn’t go if I were in your position OP.
People seem to think there is a time limit on grief and understandably you are angry with family members who you considered close to you.
These people showed so little respect towards you or your daughter that I’m not surprised you don’t want to go.
Your sister should have realised that it was too close to the anniversary of your daughters death. You loved her for 12 years, why does your sister expect you to be fine in 2 years?

This is your sisters 3rd wedding, I couldn’t get excited over it really

CloudyVanilla · 05/02/2020 20:11

Your sister and her friend might be calling you selfish, but I would never ever be so selfish as to have my wedding within 3 days of the anniversary of your daughter's death, let alone to not understand what the issue with attending would be for you.

TiddlestheCat · 05/02/2020 20:15

Setting aside the issue of your grief and your unsupportive relatives, I would have thought it perfectly reasonable to decline an invitation to attend a third wedding, especially when you've previously attended the same flipping marriage in the past! That alone seems self indulgent... To expect others to put themselves out to attend the exact same wedding as before! Add to that your grief and you have absolutely no obligation to attend nor should you feel bad about not attending. Take the day off and do something with a good friend for yourself instead! Xx

CrimsonCattery · 05/02/2020 20:44

They all sound awful. YADNBU

PuggyMum · 05/02/2020 22:48

I can't believe her friend got involved here. What was she thinking?

You've lost a child, which in my opinion trumps every feeling anyone else might have about anything because it's every parents worst nightmare and even if you were being unreasonable (which you're not), you would have every right to be.

Your family weren't there when you needed to know they were. Why would you put yourself through being near them when you don't have to be.

My sister, who I'm close to, only told me about her 2nd wedding the day before because she wanted to borrow some shoes. I couldn't go cos I couldn't get the day off. We still laugh about it now. She's divorced form number 3 now.....

I'm truly sorry about your daughter.