I'm not going to my sisters wedding.

[Patsyfm]

My sister is getting married for the third time, second time to her second husband.
I have decided not to go due to her inviting family that didn't acknowledge the death of my daughter 2 years ago. Her wedding takes place 3days before my girls anniversary and I just cannot put myself into that situation. Understandably she is upset and I've had a mouthful from her friend about being selfish. Am I?

I agree that if the timing means you won’t feel like celebrating that is absolutely fair enough. If that was your only reason for not attending I would back you 100%.

The issue with not wanting to attend because you don’t want to mix with the relations is more complicated. Not attending because they are present is putting your (understandable) ill feeling for them ahead of your feelings for your sister. I can understand why that would hurt her.

So she's just renewing her vows then? or what? Either way, how horrendous that they didn't acknowledge your child's death, I'm so sorry for your loss

'

I couldn't get terribly excited about a third wedding. Triumph of hope over experience? Maybe you could tell her you'll try to make it for the fourth? Hope she's not expecting gifts!'

Couldn't agree more

Look after yourself

They may have wanted to and not know how to proceed or what to say. They may also feel terrible about not doing so.

They should feel terrible! The OP lost her daughter how dare they make it about them and not the OP.

'chose YABU but actually I'm not sure because you haven't told us the details about your DD dying, '

Please

FFS

I agree that your feelings are your feelings and you should do whatever you wish. However, it sounds like you're punishing your sister for the actions of other people? That's not strictly fair - that said, timing and circumstances mean I don't blame you for not going.

I agree with this. I can understand why your sister would be sad, especially if she wasn’t one of the people involved.

Do what’s right for you though. Have you talked to her about the situation? Sorry for your loss

@Soontobe60 congratulations on one of the most insensitive posts I’ve seen in ages.

How would the details of the dd’s death change anything at all?

Sorry to hear that OP.

I think it's rather selfish to organise something like a wedding so close to her niece's death anniversary knowing how this might affect you.

It sounds like your sister just enjoys getting married at this point, I'm sure you can just go to the next one!

It's not clear to me if you're punishing your DSIS because she invited these relatives. If that's the case then of course she will be upset. I don't think she is being UR. Presumably she supported you in your loss. She isn't responsible for the others.
YANBU not to attend but she will be fielding questions all day about where you are. Understandably, she wouldn't have chosen that as the focus for her wedding.

I think it's pretty awful of your sister to arrange her wedding so close to the second anniversary of your DDs passing. You are bound to be feeling extra emotional around that time so it's not unreasonable for you to miss the wedding. The fact she's already married this guy once before (did they divorce and are remarrying?) and it's her third wedding, hardly makes it an essential event. Ignore anyone who is criticising you or calling you selfish. You need to look after your own mental health before anything else.

I'm sorry for your loss OP .

Why did she have to keep the date near to ur daughters anniversary

You don't need to be around people who didn't acknowledge your child's death, you are not being selfish at all and your sister should understand that especially so close to the anniversary.

THIS ^

I'm amazed that she can't see the distress either of these things would cause you, never mind both. She is being very insensitive. I can't imagine anything more dreadful than losing your precious child - you can't just flick a switch and turn off your grief.

She knows what you have been through. YANBU not to go. Tell her you'll go to her next one

Tbh why did she pick a date so close to the anniversary of your dd death when it’s obviously still going to be so raw around that date?

If a child of mine died and family members didn’t even bother coming to the funeral and it really hurt me I wouldn’t want to be in the same room either.

It’s not your sister’s fault. It seems like you’re punishing her for something she didn’t do.

This is a tricky one - firstly my sympathies for the death of your daughter. I cannot even begin to imagine

How close are these other relatives? What do you mean by acknowledge the death, did they not mention it at all? maybe they thought you wanted to just be left alone with close family at the time?

Ultimately I would explain to these relatives that my dsis is very upset about the situation and I will always choose my sister so therefore would they mind not coming after all. The friend having a go at you seems very insensitive.
I can’t imagine ever having a situation like this with my own dsis though - it sounds like you have history?

I agree with you 100%** OP.
I wouldn't go either
So so sorry to hear about your daughter, 2 years is still very early days.
You could say you wish her all the happiness in the world and you will be thinking of her, but understandingly you will not be attending.
Wishing you all the best op and lots of comfort 💐💐

How would the details of the dd’s death change anything at all?

In some ways, not at all - she needed support from her family and they withheld it.

In other ways, there's a difference between how you might expect a wider family to respond to the loss of a much-wanted pregnancy, and the loss of, let's say, a baby or child. When the OP says "her daughter" it could mean either.

But fundamentally, it sounds as though the circumstances around the loss of her daughter were fraught and that certain family members let her down very badly.

Also, I would find it difficult to get excited about a second wedding to a second husband! There comes a point when I think it's okay to NOT indulge somebody, and this might be it, everything else aside.

OP, I'm very sorry for your loss, and that your family hasn't been supportive of you.

Eek! Sorry OP, that was indeed a shit post!

I just meant that you didn't say which relatives she's invited that didn't acknowledge your DDs death. It's bad that your relatives behaved in that way, some people just have no idea what to do or say in this situation.
Does your sister think you should still go to her third wedding to second husband?

Of all the dates in the year I think it's highly insensitive to choose a date so near the anniversary of your daughter's death.
My family can be pretty dense at times but even they wouldn't do this around the anniversary of my son's death.
You are not being selfish either to choose not to spend time around people who acted so disgracefully as to not acknowledge your daughter's death.
I feel your pain and you will get through the anniversary in a way that suits you

I think you are being unreasonable, but grief can be irrational so I don't think that's the measure of things here. You seem to be lashing out a bit in ways that are unlikely to help you move forward and will alienate those who you love. That's not great but I don't think just sucking it up will help. You need support to help you deal with your grief and get you to a place where you can relate to people without your grief driving your decisions and interactions.

Your sister is being ridiculous. Why on earth did she plan it so close to the anniversary of your dd’s death. I’d she usually this insensitive?

@BoomBoomsCousin is wise on this.

Your feelings are valid, whatever you feel. I wouldn’t go either in those circumstances. (Not to mention a second wedding to her already husband is a bit OTT. It’s not like a “proper” wedding.)

I am so sorry about the death of your daughter Two years is nothing, I miscarried my first daughter in 1993 and another baby in 1998 and still grieve for them both, despite having had the almighty luck to give birth to a still living child in between them. I can get why you feel you can't go to your sister's wedding, it's not as if it's her first to the same man! Don't be pushed into it by what other people are telling you to do, do what suits you best. It is normal to still be grieving and the fact the wedding is so close to this anniversary is unbearable for you, I get it.