I'm not going to my sisters wedding.

[Patsyfm]

My sister is getting married for the third time, second time to her second husband.
I have decided not to go due to her inviting family that didn't acknowledge the death of my daughter 2 years ago. Her wedding takes place 3days before my girls anniversary and I just cannot put myself into that situation. Understandably she is upset and I've had a mouthful from her friend about being selfish. Am I?

patsy I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. None of the rest of it matters.

OP, I am sorry for your loss xx

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet you have a lovely way with words. Your phrase sums it up perfectly

I don't feel bitter towards them, I just feel that they made a statement about our relationship and changed what we are to each other.

You dont ever need a reason to decline an invitation.

I think you do if it's a close family member, like a parent or sibling.

I'd expect a reason that my sister isn't attending my wedding.

If these aunties and uncles are your parents siblings, I would have expected your parents to have said something to them at the time.

Sorry for your loss.

Why did she plan it so close to the date of your DD passing? Thats rude and quite nasty IMO. Planning a celebration near the date of a loss, one of a child no less is selfish and inconsiderate

I dont blame you for not going OP, even if there wasnt the issue of family who ignored her death, why would anyone expect your in any mood to celebrate in the time leading up to or just after the date

Sorry for your loss.

Don’t focus on your sister and her wedding focus on looking after yourself. So sorry to hear about your daughter

JFC, you know, I'm so glad so many on here who are saying YABU have not lost a child. Two years is nothing on this journey. It's early days. VERY early days. And you've been treated appallingly. Just appallingly. You're 'irrational'? You know what's irrational? Having another fucking wedding the third time round and expecting everyone to fuss over it. And I say that as someone who's been married 3 times. Get fucking real!

I've had a mouthful from her friend about being selfish.

Honestly, FUCK HER.

I hope you can find some more support on this road, believe me, this is very common.

When my child died, people who'd never met her and who only knew me from online travelled 500 miles for her funeral. People who were not related to her, her own world-renowned consultant who has seen countless numbers of her young patients die, came. Some of her nurses came. The church was full. Yet some of her own family who lived just 50 miles away did not. Several friends who had also lost children came, as I did to their children's funerals (and believe me, some who had lost could not bear it but even they still sent messages, rang, whatever, to express condolences). There's no excuse and I'm sorry about your 'family'. I really am.

I'd expect a reason that my sister isn't attending my wedding.
I expect you wouldn't be so crass as to.have it 3 days before the 2nd anniversary of your nieces death though. And if you did i dont think anyone should have to spell out why they werent coming.

You are bereaved. Your daughter.
Family didn't acknowledge her death.
It's close to the anniversary.
You are absolutely NOT NOT NOT BU.
She is BU and her friend is being a thoughtless judgmental bitch. Walk a mile in the shoes of someone who's suffering the loss of their flesh and blood before their time is what I'd say if they raise it again.

I can't imagine anyone ignoring the death of a child, far less numerous people,

Well they have. and there's no justification. They're arseholes.

Fair play to you if you'd be able to go and play happy families - and if you couldn't then attending would be worst than not.

People ignore the death of a child for their own reasons. Because they are selfish, don’t know what to say, talking about death makes them uncomfortable. See the common factor? They are making it all about themselves which is disgusting and unforgivable. Some family didn’t acknowledge the death of my baby and I will never forgive them.

You poor woman OP.
No words for such a loss.

Don't expel energy on these sad excuses of people.

They should be ashamed of themselves.

I've never told anyone to F off in real life but to your sister's friend I would indeed think it extremely appropriate to tell to and mind her own business.

As a cathartic, healing exercise, of course.

Wishing you strength on this terrible road 💐

Just came back to this thread and saw your update - I'm shocked that they ignored her death like that, and I am so very sorry for your loss.

The only thing I can think of is that I have a batshit aunt who would absolutely not go to visit you under these circumstances because she wouldn't want to intrude on your grief and would quite genuinely think you wouldn't want her there (rural Irish).

She wouldn't let my uncle go to their niece's wedding in Italy because "ah they wouldn't want us there - they only invited us to be polite" when they are SUPER close farming families. When my Mum was dying they drove up from the farm to say their goodbyes and she wouldn't come into the ward - or let my uncle, my mother's adored brother - "ah we just wanted to be here - we wouldn't want to intrude on her..." and of course she died half an hour later and they didn't get to say goodbye. Everyone on her side is like that. This morbid obsession with not "intruding".

At any rate, I think you are perfectly reasonable not to go to this pretend wedding, because that's all it is anyway, and put yourself in the way of people who have hurt you so badly. I would be pretty open about why, too.

In my wider family, not visiting someone whose had a death in the family (especially such a close family member) would mean ostracisation from the family in question. It’s unthinkable.

if your sister wasn't one of the aforementioned relatives, then it does seem a little unfair that you would take it out on her by not attending.

Whether the sister was or was not one of the relatives who chose not to acknowledge OP's daughter's death, she sure as hell chose to ignore it by arranging to re-marry her 2nd husband 3 days before the anniversary of OP's bereavement.

YANBU not to attend but she will be fielding questions all day about where you are. Understandably, she wouldn't have chosen that as the focus for her wedding.

Then why - FFS - decide to hold the wedding so stupidly close to the anniversary? Where was the sister's "focus" when she decided to do that?

Understandably she is upset and I've had a mouthful from her friend about being selfish.

"Upset", my arse.
She's not thinking about your "upset" OP, so don't you waste any time worrying about hers, the self-centred twat.

As to her friend, nothing short of a punch in the nose is sufficient really.

Your sister is doing a DARVO because she knows, deep down, that she has placed your need for solace & comfort way below her desire to show off at her absurd 3rd wedding.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO
The friend is her flying monkey.
They should both be consumed with shame, but won't be.

Patsyfm - you take you own time, grieve & reflect in your own way, & fuck the shitshow of this absurdly-timed wedding.