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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not going to my sisters wedding.

142 replies

Patsyfm · 05/02/2020 15:04

My sister is getting married for the third time, second time to her second husband.
I have decided not to go due to her inviting family that didn't acknowledge the death of my daughter 2 years ago. Her wedding takes place 3days before my girls anniversary and I just cannot put myself into that situation. Understandably she is upset and I've had a mouthful from her friend about being selfish. Am I?

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 05/02/2020 17:03

I don't think YABU to not want to go because of it being close to the anniversary of your child's death, so sorry for your loss.

But if it was purely because of you not agreeing with her guest list, you are being unreasonable there.

I have decided not to go due to her inviting family that didn't acknowledge the death of my daughter 2 years ago.

AriadnesFilament · 05/02/2020 17:04

Shame on all of them, @Patsyfm, honestly, this isn’t you. It’s them.

TheReef · 05/02/2020 17:07

Do what's best for you op.

MisterMole · 05/02/2020 17:07

Not being unreasonable at all, not being rude but it seems your sister isn't very good at choosing husbands or friends!!!

ItWillBeBetterinAugust · 05/02/2020 17:09

Sorry about your daughter Flowers

I wouldn't go to any great trouble to go to a sibling's third wedding, especially to someone they'd married once before. That's get similar priority to a birthday party tbh - I'd go if it didn't involve taking annual leave/ an oversight stay, not if it were a big expensive hassle.

MsScribbles · 05/02/2020 17:12

In my cynical old age, I'm actually starting to feel that weddings generally are an exercise in narcissism, and people shouldn't feel bad about not attending, for whatever reason. You've already seen your sister trot out the same vows twice (which are- demonstrably- easily and often broken), is it really so essential you are there to give your support and good will, again, and spend your money and time, again?

But my spiky old cynic views aside, I also think it's completely understandable to protect yourself at what will be a difficult and sensitive time, by not attending. You are not being selfish in the slightest. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved daughter x

relentlesslyred · 05/02/2020 17:14

If that was me I would go no contact with my sister since she should not be inviting people who had no regard for you at your most darkest moments. The fact these same people are happy to prance around at a party says it all. These type of people are there in the happy times and not in the sad times. You do not need these people including your sister... who to top it off arranges a party close to your daughter's anniversary ThanksThanks

cherryblossomgin · 05/02/2020 17:21

Why is she having her wedding so close to the anniversary? I don't think you are selfish at all. Sometimes we need to protect ourselves.

JRUIN · 05/02/2020 17:22

So sorry for your tragic loss OP Flowers If you were my sister I would completely understand, and my friend would not be my friend anymore if I found out she'd had a go at you about not attending my wedding, especially with it being so close to the anniversary of your DD's death. Stay strong OP xx

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/02/2020 17:29

They didn't attend your 12 year old daughters funeral? Fuck them and everyone who still associates with them.

I'm so sorry x

GetOffTheTableMabel · 05/02/2020 17:30

@Patsyfm I think your sister had been insensitive in her choice of date and unsupportive in her choice of guests, although I grudgingly accept that it is her wedding day and it is her choice to make.

I think that, far from being unreasonable or selfish in not attending, you are being sensible and thoughtful. This is supposed to be a happy day for your sister. For you, the date is unimaginably sad. (It doesn’t matter if it’s not the exact same date, grief doesn’t work like that). By not attending, you allow your sister’s day to be all about her and not tainted by grief or anger. You cannot simply switch off the pain of having lost a child, even for a day, and nobody should expect it of you.
I’m so very sorry about your daughter. If it feels appropriate to tell us her name and something about her, you can be sure that many MN mums will hold her in their thoughts, along with you.

MimiLaRue · 05/02/2020 17:31

Third wedding? fck that, I wouldn't go either. Not only are those people cruel and horrible for not acknowledging your horrendous loss, your sister is a twat expecting people to be excited about her 3rd wedding, twice to the same person. What a drama llama.

I'm so sorry about your daughter Flowers

cologne4711 · 05/02/2020 17:39

By not attending, you allow your sister’s day to be all about her and not tainted by grief or anger. You cannot simply switch off the pain of having lost a child, even for a day, and nobody should expect it of you

This.

redexpat · 05/02/2020 17:42

You dont ever need a reason to decline an invitation. Sorry about your daughter Flowers

HeadachesByTheDozen · 05/02/2020 17:47

Your sister sounds like a cold-hearted selfish bitch, and getting her friend to do her dirty work for her? Unforgivable. No way not even for a million quid would I go to her wedding. On principle, if for no other reason.

strawberry2017 · 05/02/2020 17:54

Sending so much love and strength your way.
I don't think you should go, it's only been 2 years, there is no way I would want to make nice with these people at what is supposed to be a happy event when they treated me this way:
It's not even her first wedding.

movingdilemma1234 · 05/02/2020 17:55

I have never acknowledged it to her, not because I don't care, but because it didn't feel appropriate
I can assure you that not acknowledging a work colleagues miscarriage is not comparable with family not acknowledging the death of a twelve year old relative. That is despicable and could never be forgiven

unlikelytobe · 05/02/2020 17:56

I suppose your sister can have who she wants at her wedding but she might have discussed the sensitivities of the guest list with you and avoided that anniversary of terrible loss.

Is she close to these people who were so callous towards you? I presume you've explained your reasons to her. Her friend needs to butt out, ignore her. It's a third wedding after all to the same bloke which IMO isn't so special. Keep away on the day but maybe you can think of some other way of marking the occasion with her and her ex/husband to be.

ItWillBeBetterinAugust · 05/02/2020 18:02

Wow, sorry I'd missed that she was 12 years old and they knew her! Ignoring a stillbirth is awful, but a lot of people feel awkward or don't understand properly, but ignoring the death of a child they knew and lived in the same village as is inhuman Shock Nobody could expect you to be "over" the death of your twelve year old child only two years later. Bloody hell, what is your sister thinking timing her third wedding for the anniversary of the week her niece died Sad

CharmingB · 05/02/2020 18:04

Fuck that. Your "family" turn up for happy events (with the potential for a free bar?) but not for your daughter's funeral?? That's despicable. No funeral is fun, let alone for a child, but you go to show your support for the parents. There's no excuse whatsoever, no matter how "difficult" they would have found it.

YANBU to cut them off for life and I don't blame you for not wanting to go to an event where they'll all be, especially so close to your DD's anniversary.

If your DSis wants these people at her wedding more than you, I'd be considering going low contact with her too.

Drum2018 · 05/02/2020 18:07

Third wedding and second to the same guy? Don't think I'd bother going even if there wasn't a back story. Does she expect gifts at this third wedding, expect people to be overjoyed that she's getting married ... again?

Your relatives are appalling not to have acknowledged your precious dd's death. My son died after birth and all my relatives came for the funeral. I didn't even expect half of them. I wouldn't go given it's so near your dds anniversary and for the fact that you probably attended her first 2 weddings so surely he novelty of her weddings has worn off by now.

TARSCOUT · 05/02/2020 18:16

I am sorry for your loss and would understand you not going due to the timeline however if you still wouldn't go on another date then I think YABU, the guest list is nothing to do with you I'm afraid.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/02/2020 18:19

@TARSCOUT if she doesn't want to socialise with the people invited she's perfectly entitled to decline any invite at any time

Littletabbyocelot · 05/02/2020 18:38

I am so sorry for your loss.

My aunt refused to acknowledge the death of my elder sister, a few minutes after birth. She'd actually travelled hundreds of miles to be there and help but then just turned round and left when my dad told her because she 'wasn't needed now'. To my knowledge she's never mentioned her since.

My mum completely forgave her because, well it was symptomatic of their relationship. My aunt was the important one, my mum just was a punching bag/backing dancer.

Your sister has no problem with people who treated you and the memory of your daughter appallingly. She has a close friend who thinks berating a grieving parent is ok. I'm not saying go no contact with your sister, but please make sure you put your feelings first in dealings with her.

Butterfly84 · 05/02/2020 18:40

I've had a mouthful from her friend about being selfish. ...disgusting, absolutely disgusting. And if your sister has not told her how disgusting it is to have a go at you then I would seriously consider not talking to your sister for the forseeable.

And do not go. How could you stand to be near famly members who have completely let you down?