I'm not going to my sisters wedding.

[Patsyfm]

My sister is getting married for the third time, second time to her second husband.
I have decided not to go due to her inviting family that didn't acknowledge the death of my daughter 2 years ago. Her wedding takes place 3days before my girls anniversary and I just cannot put myself into that situation. Understandably she is upset and I've had a mouthful from her friend about being selfish. Am I?

I'm so sorry about your loss. And I think any parent who goes through that deserves an astonishing amount of compassion and consideration.

I don't know the details, but I do know that if a family member didn't acknowledge my child's death, I'd not only want nothing to do with that person but I suspect I'd take it badly if other family members didn't also see that person as being someone they didn't want to spend time with.

It's obviously a LOT more trivial, but, for example, I made the decision to cut even the very minimum contact I had with a friend of my brother's (mostly on SM) because of the way he treated my brother. I suspect my brother wouldn't have cared if I'd chosen to stay FB friends with him, but as far as I was concerned, I wanted nothing to do with him after what he did.

I actually agree that a second cousin not reacting to a pregnancy loss is a bit different to your mum not acknowledging the death of your child.

Either way OP, put yourself first and do what you need to do. I cant imagine how incredibly difficult it is for you and your sister was insensitive choosing dates.

OK, so my daughter was 12 and we lived in the same village as my aunties & uncles. They knew her. I thought I was a close member of their family but when none of them came to my door to offer condolences or her funeral I think they can't think of me as close family.
Thank you to everyone who has posted, I'm feeling a little lighter on the shoulders now.

Not sure I agree whole heartedly with your (very rational) comments, @BoomBoomsCousin. Do you mind if I ask if you yourself have lost a child?

My heart breaks for you op. Your sister is being really insensitive, mainly for having the wedding so close to the anniversary. I'm so sorry.

@Patsyfm - after your update, I have to say I think you are most definitely not being unreasonable and I think your sister is being incredibly insensitive. I can't imagine how you feel. I am so, so, sorry.

You're not being in the least bit unreasonable OP. If that'd been me, I'd never want to see them again, let alone at a wedding and so close to that date. Fuck the lot of them I think. I'm very, very sorry for your loss.

Remembering your daughter in the way you wish to is more important than your sisters 3rd wedding

Patsyfm - well that is truly shocking. I’m so sorry - that must’ve hurt.

Whatever reasons they have for what they did you are entitled to feel the way you do. Sending love to you, that must be so hard.

Grief can make people do silly things. They may not have known how to approach you. I'm not saying that's right but I just want to explain that some people will simply run away from something they are uncomfortable with.

How does your sister feel about you not attending? I still think you need to do what feels right to you. You've been through so much and owe no one anything so please take care of yourself.

@Patsyfm that is truly awful behaviour and there is no chance on earth I would be socialising with them in your shoes. I am sorry that your family treated you so badly.

Is your sister clear that the reason your aren't coming is not because they are there so you wont be in the same room as them?

Your grief is still raw, and it is understandable that you won't be able to cope with this situation, you are staying away because the alternative is you ruin her day. (And to be honest at a 3rd wedding, 2nd time to same man she should just get over herself, tell her you'll come to her next one instead 🙄)

Your daughter was 12 and they didn’t go to her funeral!?
No....fuck them.

And by the way, please tell the friend who says you are being selfish for not attending this third wedding of your sister that she can FOTTFSOFAFORBA. (I think that's the correct acronym.)

3rd wedding That's 3 outfits, 3 times you've probably had to buy a gift, 3 times you've had to take time out of your somewhat busy life I am presuming ?

I couldn't take anybody's THIRD time round wedding vows seriously & I would be looking for excuses not to attend.

And on the basis of your post OP.... I would stay away for that matter.

I would be like all eye roll-y at anyone who expected of me to attend their 3rd wedding... family or not!

I couldn't get terribly excited about a third wedding. Triumph of hope over experience? Maybe you could tell her you'll try to make it for the fourth? Hope she's not expecting gifts!'

This! FFS, it's a third fucking wedding and she's throwing a strop because one person isn't making a big fanfare of yet another time she says the same thing to someone else? For real? And people are actually tying themselves in knots that's the OP is the unreasonable one?

I lost a child, OP, I get it. I know a lot of people, I mean, a lot, who no longer have contact with their family because theirs treated them the same way some of yours did. There is just NO excuse for that. NONE. 'Maybe they didn't know what to say blah blah blah' bullshit! A child's funeral, that's the time you be adult and buck up not someone's third fucking time up the aisle.

It's sad that I consider myself lucky in how my family treated us after our child's death, that should be the norm. But if it were my sister getting married and there were family members who'd behaved like this she wouldn't invite them, she'd have nothing to do with them, either.

Don't feel guilty or bad. You have enough on your plate. 2 years is very new on the journey. I am so sorry

My FIL didn't come to our child's funeral and MIL got the hump because we didn't plan it according to her tastes. FIL is now deceased but we speak to MIL maybe 3x/year and are quite low contact. Their behaviour during our child's illness was unbelievable, well, not really, now I know how many family act like twats in such settings.

I think there is a lot going on here and maybe wires are getting crossed.

You say you don't want to go to the wedding because your sister has invited family members who didn't acknowledge the death of your daughter. How close are these family members? Siblings? Cousins? In-laws? It's an horrific thing to happen, and sometimes people don't know how to react. Yes, it's not nice, and it's not ideal but people rarely do such a thing out of malice, it's more out of awkwardness, and then out of not wanting to upset those closest by bringing it up later.

You then say the wedding is 3 days before your daughter's anniversary and you just don't feel able to go.

That is perfectly valid. But if your sister's friend doesn't know that then she thinks you're not going to your sister's wedding because of other people who are. And your sister must have said this to her in order for her to come to you with it.

About a year ago a work colleague who I would be on "friendly work colleague" terms with lost a baby at 19 weeks. I didn't know she was pregnant. Not many people did. She had just started announcing it to those colleagues closest to her. First I knew she was pregnant was when my friend, who is a close colleague to her told me because she was upset, and she was also doing her best to cover her work while she was away. As not many people had been told she was pregnant, not many people were told she had lost the baby.

I have never acknowledged it to her, not because I don't care, but because it didn't feel appropriate. I often pass her in the corridor and smile and say hi, she smiles and says hi and she hurries past so as not to give opportunity to stop her and talk to her. She is a really lovely person, and I think of her often. But I have never mentioned it. It was something that wasn't exactly public knowledge and I feel she doesn't want me to say anything.

Maybe this is something like your family members are feeling?

You have every right to not go to the wedding. But maybe speak to your sister and make it about why you can't go (not being able to handle it so close to the anniversary) rather than about who else is going. And ask your sister to tell her friend to butt out.

I am terribly sorry for your loss.

Patsyfm, I've just seen your update. I am genuinely sorry for your loss. A parent's nightmare.

OK, so my daughter was 12 and we lived in the same village as my aunties & uncles. They knew her. I thought I was a close member of their family but when none of them came to my door to offer condolences or her funeral I think they can't think of me as close family

WTF! Why is your sister even inviting them?! Oh hell no, YANBU! In fact I’d probably cut the sister off in the process. I’m really sorry for your loss OP.

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter, and in your update, the shocking treatment you got from your 'family'.

Even if I really liked someone, I probably wouldn't go to their third wedding, especially if it was their second wedding to the same person. I think it's pretty cheeky to expect people to attend in those circumstances.

Given that your sister hasn't behaved like a sister to you, I think it's even more justified. Just because you are related to someone doesn't mean you owe them anything.

YANBU.
Your sister is (in more than one way), her friend is, your aunts and uncles were and are - the whole sad, sorry, pathetic bunch of them.

Don’t go.

Dear god, don’t go.

Stay at home and do whatever you need to to get through those few days. And don’t give a thought to those people.

I don't think you are unreasonable. And I'm not sure why your sister has arranged her wedding quite so close to this date...

Your sister might find quite a few people will decline the invitation. I know I would. 2nd wedding, to 2nd husband? Were they divorced in the meantime or are they just renewing vows? Is it a full on wedding? Is she expecting people to bring presents?