To ask whether these habits would put you off of having sex with your OH?

[Guccidowntothesocks]

DH and I have been married for 3 years. We are going through a rough patch at the moment in the sense that I’m not feeling sexually attracted to him and haven’t been able to have sex with him for months. This has reached the point where DH is questioning our marriage. We are both early 30s. Recently I’ve started to think about how disgusting some of his habits are. Many of these have developed over the years as he’s become more comfortable in the marriage and I wonder whether this is what has caused the ‘spark’ to go for me. I’ve listed some of the worst below:

• loudly passing wind, often in the middle of me talking to him
• shitting in the en-suite with the door open, whilst I’m in the bedroom
• general laziness/procrastination around house, constantly having to have a ‘10 minute sit down’ (which is always much longer) or ‘quick relax’ before doing anything that needs doing
• not carrying any of the mental load
• pestering for sex on a daily basis (apparently he can’t help that I’m so gorgeous)
• groping me whilst I’m cooking (see explanation above)
• using the back of his hand to wipe food off his mouth after eating (kitchen roll is on the table!)
• loudly coughing up phlegm and spitting it out in the sink or during a shower then not washing it away properly

I’ve spoken to DH about these and he refuses to accept that his habits are anything other than normal behaviour and just part of living together. Personally I feel that they are disrespectful and not in the slightest bit sexy. According to DH, if I really loved him then none of his habits would put me off of making love to him. Interested to know whether you’d still feel attracted to your partner/DH if he exhibited any/all of the habits listed above?

I’m revolted just reading that list. Nothing normal about that at all. Seriously gross and I’d be looking very hard at my marriage if my DH behaved like that (and he’s far from perfect!). Why would you want to have sex with him? Grim on every level.

Yeah it would also repulse me, the phlegm thing particularly.

My husband walked into the living room last night, stood at the entrance, farted loudly, then walked out again. Honestly it's a right turn off. I've no issue with farting but some men seem to think it's in some way funny like they are teenagers, there is only so many times you can hear someone fart before even they must realise it's just not funny.

However if he'd been spitting up phlegm and not washing it away there would be world war three, I even feel queasy writing about it, never mind having to witness the after math.

To those saying speak to him, I have had numerous conversations with him and he either claims I’m being dramatic, accuses me of nagging or says I must have some other issue with the marriage because I can’t possibly be put off by a couple of “normal habits” alone. To be honest I don’t think he’s capable of change

This is what's disrespectful, he knows how it makes you feel and he doesn't care. He doesn't give a toss which then makes it deliberate.

Tell him these things repulse you and there's no coming back from that. Tell him the relationship is now doomed and make sure you don't get pregnant. It's just a matter of time now.

I completely agree with the whole shitting with the door open, not washing away phlegm, pestering for sex, laziness is annoying etc etc but to say passing wind in front of a spouse is 'vile' and puts you off sex is probably a little too far. It's a normal bodily function that everyone does
but shitting and producing phlegm are also normal bodily functions so by your reckoning you should be OK with a person doing those in front of you too/

The thing is, if you did leave him and he wanted to be in another relationship or even just have sex with someone after you'd split, he would amend those disgusting behaviours because he knows they are not acceptable. I bet he doesn't fart when his boss is talking to him, I bet he closes the door when he uses the loo at work, I bet he doesn't gob into any of the sinks at work and just leave it. I bet he doesn't grope or ogle women at work, no matter how gorgeous they are. He does know how to behave properly, he just doesn't think you're important enough to behave properly for.

How absolutely horrible for you. I'd be dishing out ultimatums and planning to leave if changes are not made.

So...

gobbing
groping
pestering for sex
shitting with the door open
a messy eater
farting loudly
and you say he has even more disgusting habits

He is also a lazy sod who doesn't share the mental load, doesn't respect you and doesn't care about your feelings .

Does he have any redeeming features at all? What are you actually getting out of this relationship?

@bananajelly oh I agree there. Definitely got the 'ick'!

Thanks everyone. Going to sit DH down tonight and have one last conversation. Not entirely convinced it’ll change anything, but I want DH to know how serious things are now. As others have already said, I don’t hold out much hope as I think I already know what the answer is :(

I wouldn't be able to share air space with this disgusting pig, never ind touch him

You need to tell him, very frankly, how his repulsive habits affect you. If he doesn't immediately shape up, well then that's how much respect and love he really has for you.

The phlegm and the groping would gross me out but the rest wouldn't bother me.

Literally had that conversation on Monday night, no children, similar age to you and I’ve had enough. If I’m honest now it’s done my main emotion is overwhelming relief that we’re done, still logistics to figure out and the conversation was horrible, but we haven’t had a physical relationship in years and my best friend has already commented on how much happier I seem. So, it’s shit, and you’ll hate it, particularly upsetting him, but honestly if you’re decided and he won’t change (and even if he did once you’ve got the ick it might not go away) then you have to do what’s best for you. You don’t want to spend the next 50ish years feeling that way.

If you added picking his nose and wiping it on nearest available surface I'd wonder if you were with my ex. Really not attractive behaviour

To those asking, yes there are other foul habits I haven’t listed and no, we don’t have any children
Well then OP, this is a complete no-brainer!
This won't get better.
You are only 3 years married and you don't want sex with him.
And who can blame you?
You have the 'ick factor' and it's very very hard to overcome that!!
Time to run - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I don't mind a playful swat on the bum, I do this to him too.
But being goosed every time you bend over is annoying.
Groping isn't attractive and it's not the same as an occasional pat on the arse from your other half.

The main thing OP is that if these things are bothering you and he refuses to stop or change them then how can you go on with it? You need to be with someone who makes you happy, not sick.