Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask whether these habits would put you off of having sex with your OH?

140 replies

Guccidowntothesocks · 05/02/2020 08:21

DH and I have been married for 3 years. We are going through a rough patch at the moment in the sense that I’m not feeling sexually attracted to him and haven’t been able to have sex with him for months. This has reached the point where DH is questioning our marriage. We are both early 30s. Recently I’ve started to think about how disgusting some of his habits are. Many of these have developed over the years as he’s become more comfortable in the marriage and I wonder whether this is what has caused the ‘spark’ to go for me. I’ve listed some of the worst below:

  • loudly passing wind, often in the middle of me talking to him
  • shitting in the en-suite with the door open, whilst I’m in the bedroom
  • general laziness/procrastination around house, constantly having to have a ‘10 minute sit down’ (which is always much longer) or ‘quick relax’ before doing anything that needs doing
  • not carrying any of the mental load
  • pestering for sex on a daily basis (apparently he can’t help that I’m so gorgeous)
  • groping me whilst I’m cooking (see explanation above)
  • using the back of his hand to wipe food off his mouth after eating (kitchen roll is on the table!)
  • loudly coughing up phlegm and spitting it out in the sink or during a shower then not washing it away properly

I’ve spoken to DH about these and he refuses to accept that his habits are anything other than normal behaviour and just part of living together. Personally I feel that they are disrespectful and not in the slightest bit sexy. According to DH, if I really loved him then none of his habits would put me off of making love to him. Interested to know whether you’d still feel attracted to your partner/DH if he exhibited any/all of the habits listed above?

OP posts:
thinsulation · 05/02/2020 08:51

Honestly, for the most part, the icky farty, wiping food, and phlegm bits that you described are all part of my happy loving relationship, and they don't bother me at all.

What would turn me off is the laziness, and procrastination. The mental load of taking care of the house, vehicle, general life admin is something that should be shared. It isn't nice to be running around after someone, begging that they do their part and seeing them sat down on their phone having a 'break', and basically being a parent to them. This would also put me off having sex with someone.

Thislittlefinger · 05/02/2020 08:51

When he's pestering you ask him why he thinks you don't want sex with him? Maybe that will make him understand. His behaviour is foul thought.

DearHappy · 05/02/2020 08:54

Exceptionally gross. The farting loudly would be the worst for me.

Tooner · 05/02/2020 08:56

He would be getting nowhere near me, he's disgusting. All of those things can be avoided out of respect for your partner. I would be listing them to him and telling him every single one of them has to stop before I will even consider having sex with him.

Ellie56 · 05/02/2020 08:58

Yuk that is gross. I wouldn't be living with him, never mind having sex with him. Those disgusting habits are most definitely not normal behaviour.

MN we need a vomit emoticon!

What are you going to do OP?

puds11 · 05/02/2020 08:59

Christ. That’s made me feel sick. No, I couldn’t cope with that at all.

Newgirls · 05/02/2020 09:03

Yep completely with you on this. Rose tinted glasses now well off and it sounds to me like she’s testing you - no one would think all this is ok would they? Would he go to couples counselling with you as it sounds like time to work out how this marriage is going to work (or not).

Iggly · 05/02/2020 09:08

Who voted YABU!!

hookiwooki · 05/02/2020 09:11

I wouldn't be able to live with someone like that, let alone have sex with them. The occasional fart doesn't bother me but all that is ridiculous.

If he doesn't clean up his own phlegm then I assume he thinks it's your job, add to that the sex pestering and groping, not carrying any of the mental load, and then him thinking about sacking you off because you have the audacity to not have sex with a gross sex pig slob - this isn't a marriage, it's servitude. I'd be done.

LettertoHermoine · 05/02/2020 09:11

There is nothing in the world more off putting that someone constantly looking for sex or groping you giving you the excuse that they cannot help themselves. It gets tiresome and boring and you end up doing anything to avoid it. Go have a wank and leave me alone>

The shitting one? I would beat my hubby good looking if he did that.

hookiwooki · 05/02/2020 09:11

gross sex-pest pig slob that should read.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 05/02/2020 09:12

To be honest, I think the habits themselves don't really matter. If you've fallen out of love with your husband, whatever he does will piss you off. If you love him, whatever he does won't really bother you that much.

It sounds to me like this is a deeper issue, OP. I would maybe suggest relationship counselling if you want to work on your marriage.

puds11 · 05/02/2020 09:13

@Iggly op’s husband Grin

ScrimshawTheSecond · 05/02/2020 09:13
  • sorry, apart from someone groping/pestering you when you've said you're not interested. That's really crossing a line, and is a bit of a red flag that he's not respecting you or your wishes.
PrincessPain · 05/02/2020 09:16

I started reading thinking it was going to be little things that you were being silly about (because alot on mumsnet get the ick and can't see it) but that list made me feel a bit sick Envy
I love DH, and honestly find him super sexy, but yes, everything on that list would completely put me off.

Oulu · 05/02/2020 09:18

According to DH, if I really loved him then none of his habits would put me off of making love to him

Point out that, if he really loved you, he would the minimal effort required to act in a civilised manner. He presumably manages to control the spitting and farting when he's at work or in other contexts, so he can do it at home.

SterlingViolet · 05/02/2020 09:19

@GoodnightJude1
My DH does the passing wind loudly thing....constantly! [...] and then reminds me how much I’d miss him!

My DH does the exact same, and tries to make me laugh -- and I tell him that I really DON'T find it appealing at all!
(But yes, I would miss him. And he does manage to make me laugh, eventually. 😂)

To OP
I also have to plead with my DH to rinse the sink when he hocks a loogie in it, as it dries and turns to cement, if I don't (disgustedly) find it in time. Other than that, he's a keeper.

But with your list, no yanbu.
And he wipes food off his mouth with the back of his hand???
OMFG!

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/02/2020 09:20

That’s disgusting. So incredibly disrespectful. I’d struggle to have him in my home never mind near my vagina.

PP who wrote My DH does the passing wind loudly thing....constantly! He does tell me that if he doesn’t he’ll ‘explode’ does he do that at work?! If so he’s lucky to have a job. If not he can restrain himself...

ChuckleBuckles · 05/02/2020 09:21

shitting in the en-suite with the door open, whilst I’m in the bedroom

Puke, this reminds me of my neighbours cat that comes into my garden to shit and stares in the window at me while doing it, it is an act of dominance. Is your "d"h a tabby by any chance?

HighNetGirth · 05/02/2020 09:24

He can’t just feign respect for five minutes because he wants sex. He has to treat you respectfully generally. That means communicating and listening properly, and not treating you as a drudge.

messolini9 · 05/02/2020 09:25

According to DH, if I really loved him then none of his habits would put me off of making love to him

Right.
By the same logic, according to you, if he really loved you then none of his habits would be continuing, as he'd prefer to make love to you.

And when are co-habiting men going to learn that demanding sex on a daily basis by mauling their partner is counter-productive & only increases resentment?

He's got complacent - which you knew - & entitled - which he doesn't.
Have you tried explaining to him that sex is a delightful privilege when BOTH parties remember it's still necessary to amuse/impress/comfort/turn on the other party, & not just expect 'servicing' by reaching & grabbing?

messolini9 · 05/02/2020 09:29

I’m just not sure I see a way of undoing all of the repulsion caused.

& how much awareness does he actually have for your feelings OP?
Have you spelled this out to him yet, or are you seething & hoping for improvements?
It seems from your initial post that he expects to be able to carry on being a lazy revolting git, & you should just knuckle under.
So he wants all the benefits of being married without making any effort.

You are gonna have to bite this bullet, & mean it.
Because unless you do, & he takes heed, it's over for you anyway now, isn't it?

I'm sorry he's being gross. He can change that. I'm sorry he's being dense - that's harder to change.

CheesyWeez · 05/02/2020 09:30

I think I'd be tempted to go and stay with a friend and leave a list of things that need to improve if he wants you to come back. Let him think about that.

He says you should love him enough but really does he love you if he is so disgusting? When he knows you don't like it? It's not very respectful is it!

I was most offended the other night when my DH was in the en-suite doing a poo. When I asked him to shut the door he said "Oh no! Sorry I didn't know you were upstairs" and was generally mortified

inwood · 05/02/2020 09:32

@Edwardbear1 is spot on. You've got the ICK. It's not usually recoverable from.

pinkyredrose · 05/02/2020 09:33

Is he 14? He sounds repulsive.