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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask whether these habits would put you off of having sex with your OH?

140 replies

Guccidowntothesocks · 05/02/2020 08:21

DH and I have been married for 3 years. We are going through a rough patch at the moment in the sense that I’m not feeling sexually attracted to him and haven’t been able to have sex with him for months. This has reached the point where DH is questioning our marriage. We are both early 30s. Recently I’ve started to think about how disgusting some of his habits are. Many of these have developed over the years as he’s become more comfortable in the marriage and I wonder whether this is what has caused the ‘spark’ to go for me. I’ve listed some of the worst below:

  • loudly passing wind, often in the middle of me talking to him
  • shitting in the en-suite with the door open, whilst I’m in the bedroom
  • general laziness/procrastination around house, constantly having to have a ‘10 minute sit down’ (which is always much longer) or ‘quick relax’ before doing anything that needs doing
  • not carrying any of the mental load
  • pestering for sex on a daily basis (apparently he can’t help that I’m so gorgeous)
  • groping me whilst I’m cooking (see explanation above)
  • using the back of his hand to wipe food off his mouth after eating (kitchen roll is on the table!)
  • loudly coughing up phlegm and spitting it out in the sink or during a shower then not washing it away properly

I’ve spoken to DH about these and he refuses to accept that his habits are anything other than normal behaviour and just part of living together. Personally I feel that they are disrespectful and not in the slightest bit sexy. According to DH, if I really loved him then none of his habits would put me off of making love to him. Interested to know whether you’d still feel attracted to your partner/DH if he exhibited any/all of the habits listed above?

OP posts:
Temp123999 · 05/02/2020 11:20

@DBML
You have incredibly low standards

Mumto1girl3boys · 05/02/2020 11:22

@Temp123999 no she doesnt, farting is natural and so is slapping your wifes arse if she allows it

BlingLoving · 05/02/2020 11:24

Also, to be honest, it actually doesn't matter. As you can see from this thread, some people are okay with public toilet ting, others aren't. But the point is that you can't be expected to live happily with a man who has different views on these to you. It might seem petty and small, but actually it's significant. You need to be roughly on the same page on things that are important to you. In your case, it's important to you to maintain a certain degree of discretion. In hi case, it's important to him to feel as comfortable with his wife as he is in private. Those two things aren't compatible.

Tombliwho · 05/02/2020 11:24

Disgusting. He needs to go and live on a farm.

Eckhart · 05/02/2020 11:27

I'd find his habits gross and very off putting, like you. But that's just preference.

What isn't preference and isn't acceptable is that he dismisses and disregards your feelings (on this, or any other subject), and refuses to compromise. That's an unhealthy relationship.

Has he ever complained about anything that you do? If so, did you just tell him not to be so ridiculous and expect him to be happy with that?

abstractprojection · 05/02/2020 11:28

With this and another thread on a bloke who blocks the toilet three times a week with his own shit and leaves it for his wife to clean. I just can't fathom how some men can inflict their literal shit on their wives and expect them to still want to have sex with them.

Streamside · 05/02/2020 11:28

Is his personal hygiene good, it seems unlikely by the description of his other behaviour. I certainly wouldn't have unprotected sex with him.

Ebeneser · 05/02/2020 11:30

Because I've been with him for over a decade. I didn't plan on having a child (I don't particularly like them much if I'm honest), but we had a contraception failure. He wanted to keep the baby, and I naively thought why not (I'm in my 40s now). We both owned our own properties so didn't live together. He moved in when the baby was born and I've gradually realised he's a disgusting pig. I guess I just didn't see it before. Don't get me wrong, I love him (and my child), but I'm not remotely attracted to him anymore. If we didn't have a child I'd have kicked him out by now. And no I'm not spitting up with him. I don't want to raise a child I never wanted, on my own. I had thought about just leaving them both, but that's not socially acceptable, and at the end of the day I've made my bed and need to sleep in it. It's not my childs fault, so I need to do my best for them. If I left them both lord knows how he'd turn out. Partner can't cook for shit and keeps trying to feed the child crap all the time (another thing that pisses me off). Child would probably also end up fat and lazy and miss out on loads of fun opportunities (climbing, surfing, mountain biking etc that I'm totally up for but he is not).

Original poster
Guccidowntothesocks · 05/02/2020 11:31

@Eckhart to be honest I can’t say he’s ever complained about any of my habits. I like to think I’m very considerate and also, DH clearly has low standards 😂

@Streamside no personal hygiene issues in that sense. Showers twice daily and brushes teeth twice daily. Those who don’t know him like I do would be shocked that he has such habits as he always looks well presented etc.

OP posts:
Thesispieces · 05/02/2020 11:32

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Damntheman · 05/02/2020 11:37

The first two are fine by me. The rest are disgusting and would be putting me RIGHT off. Nothing kills the urge for sex more than constant pestering and unwanted groping. You're so not being unreasonable OP! If he wants sex then he needs to start helping you to feel appreciated, which means carrying the load, being considerate and generally making your life easier.

PatellarTendonitis · 05/02/2020 11:38

To those asking, yes there are other foul habits I haven’t listed and no, we don’t have any children.

He will never change. Tell him it's over and leave. The groping and pestering alone are reason enough. But he's a lazy, immature pig and slob and this will not improve, it will get worse.

Sex pests are vile and about as attractive as a box of maggots.

And 'the mental load' means he feels everything about being an adult is teh job of the female.

I'd be gone and divorce him without a second thought.

lesleyw1953 · 05/02/2020 11:39

Show him this thread?

VetOnCall · 05/02/2020 11:39

The coughing up and spitting phlegm in the sink alone would be enough for me to be visiting a divorce lawyer. It's utterly disgusting, and to not wash it away is beyond revolting. I feel sick even thinking about it. Combined with all the rest of it I couldn't share a house with that man for an hour, let alone the rest of my life.

Waterandlemonjuice · 05/02/2020 11:41

Urgh

katseyes7 · 05/02/2020 11:44

loserssaywhat l can't understand it. Although having said that, his dad was much the same - the type that wouldn't wear deodorant because it wasn't 'manly'.
l didn't actually realise that for a long time. Until we were at his parents' house for Sunday lunch and his dad came in from doing the garden. Sat there at the table sweaty and reeking of armpits. l couldn't eat, it was just vile.
The sexual pestering was the worst. Even when l had a broken ankle and had to crawl upstairs on my hands and knees. He was behind me, leering up my nightie, then complaining when l knocked him back.He knew l was on heavy pain relief, and exhausted all the time because when l did sleep, every time l moved, the pain woke me up. He actually accused me of breaking my leg on purpose to get out of having sex.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/02/2020 11:45

Bless you @Ebeneser but good on you for doing right by your child!

NotStayingIn · 05/02/2020 11:46

So gross. It could be that these things are really starting to get to you because you’ve fallen out of love with him. Once that happens most things the other person does become off putting. Regardless,you don’t need a reason or justification to break up with someone. If you aren’t feeling it anymore and the relationship for you is over you are completely entitled to end it.

NotStayingIn · 05/02/2020 11:48

Sorry I meant it sounds like he was probably quite disgusting from day one, unless he had quite an extreme transformation, but you didn’t notice as much as you were still in love with him. Now he is off putting as hell. I wouldn’t want to spend a day with him so no idea how you do it.

Eckhart · 05/02/2020 11:55

@Guccidowntothesocks Then there lies the imbalance. You like to think of yourself as considerate. He does not reciprocate, and instead likes to think of you as unswervingly accommodating regardless of your own wishes.

DBML · 05/02/2020 12:11

@Temp123999

Do I?

My husband is also kind, loving, honest, loyal, generous, trusting, fun, funny and makes me feel like a million dollars.

Why should his farting and slapping my bum offend me? Most of the op’s complaints are not over horrendous things.

However, she might just have gone off her husband and the relationship might well be over. It is a little unreasonable just saying because he’s like x,y,z I won’t sleep with him though. He’s good enough to be a provider and a husband, but not to be a lover? A little unfair.

bananajelly · 05/02/2020 12:13

I really don't get some of these replies Confused

I completely agree with the whole shitting with the door open, not washing away phlegm, pestering for sex, laziness is annoying etc etc but to say passing wind in front of a spouse is 'vile' and puts you off sex is probably a little too far. It's a normal bodily function that everyone does.

I think the actual point here is that you have fallen out of love with your DH and everything he does pisses you off. I am absolutely not excusing his actions but when you spend so long with someone, you are bound to see some behaviour you don't particularly like.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/02/2020 12:16

@bananajelly it's funny though, we're all different. Pooing with the door open doesn't bother me but it bothers you, so it's not such a big stretch to understand that farting may offend someone even if it doesn't offend you.

bananajelly · 05/02/2020 12:19

GiveHerHellFromUs oh absolutely, I totally understand that, but it seems a lot to be annoyed by. Literally like everything he does pisses her off.

yellowallpaper · 05/02/2020 12:22

That would disgust anyone. If he really can't see how vile it is, then it's time to go. It won't get better