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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask whether these habits would put you off of having sex with your OH?

140 replies

Guccidowntothesocks · 05/02/2020 08:21

DH and I have been married for 3 years. We are going through a rough patch at the moment in the sense that I’m not feeling sexually attracted to him and haven’t been able to have sex with him for months. This has reached the point where DH is questioning our marriage. We are both early 30s. Recently I’ve started to think about how disgusting some of his habits are. Many of these have developed over the years as he’s become more comfortable in the marriage and I wonder whether this is what has caused the ‘spark’ to go for me. I’ve listed some of the worst below:

loudly passing wind, often in the middle of me talking to him
shitting in the en-suite with the door open, whilst I’m in the bedroom
general laziness/procrastination around house, constantly having to have a ‘10 minute sit down’ (which is always much longer) or ‘quick relax’ before doing anything that needs doing
not carrying any of the mental load
pestering for sex on a daily basis (apparently he can’t help that I’m so gorgeous)
groping me whilst I’m cooking (see explanation above)
using the back of his hand to wipe food off his mouth after eating (kitchen roll is on the table!)
loudly coughing up phlegm and spitting it out in the sink or during a shower then not washing it away properly

I’ve spoken to DH about these and he refuses to accept that his habits are anything other than normal behaviour and just part of living together. Personally I feel that they are disrespectful and not in the slightest bit sexy. According to DH, if I really loved him then none of his habits would put me off of making love to him. Interested to know whether you’d still feel attracted to your partner/DH if he exhibited any/all of the habits listed above?

OP posts:

BlingLoving · 05/02/2020 09:34

Loudly passing wind, often in the middle of me talking to him

DH does his best not to fart in front of me full stop, will leave the room if necessary and if I come into a room after he's done one, will tell me to hold my breath or give him a minute.

shitting in the en-suite with the door open, whilst I’m in the bedroom

10+ years of marriage and we agreed from the start that toilet habits need to be private. The odd time one of us has walked in on the other we apologise and back away quickly. DH (and I) also always open windows/close doors after shitting.

general laziness/procrastination around house, constantly having to have a ‘10 minute sit down’ (which is always much longer) or ‘quick relax’ before doing anything that needs doing

Depends on whether he does or does not actually do whatever it is. If he prefers to chill for 10 then leap up fulll of energy and get on with it, then I think that just is the way he is. But if you then land up doing it because he's still on his butt 45 minutes later....

not carrying any of the mental load

Drives me crazy. DH is pretty good but not as good as me. No answer expect that over the years as I've banged on about x or y or z, he has stepped up.

pestering for sex on a daily basis (apparently he can’t help that I’m so gorgeous)

Annoying.

groping me whilst I’m cooking (see explanation above)

Also annoying. DH did this for a while and also then told him I was always cold. I pointed out that groping me when I'm cooking, or trying to get ready to do reading with the kids was setting himself up for failure and pissing me off. Bless him, he totally got it and has stopped.

using the back of his hand to wipe food off his mouth after eating (kitchen roll is on the table!)

Just bad manners. Ick

loudly coughing up phlegm and spitting it out in the sink or during a shower then not washing it away properly

Bad manners and disprespectful.

I don't have an answer, but certainly, you can tell your DH that this is not in fact normal behaviour according to blingloving!

lottiegarbanzo · 05/02/2020 09:35

Urgh. Reading that makes me shudder.

Smilebehappy123 · 05/02/2020 09:35

The coughing up thing I couldn't stand, my x used to do this and would often spit phlegm out the bar window. made me sick to my stomache. he also wouldnt shower regularly and expect sex when sweaty and smelly. hence he is now my x , it was the lack of respect that pissed me off

Marbu · 05/02/2020 09:41

Yuk. I feel sick reading that.
It's put me off having sex with anyone ever again.
YANBU - he's a disgusting, lazy slob with no respect for you.
If he really loved you he would stop doing the things listed above because you don't like them. You've spoken to him about this and he's made no attempt whatsoever to change. That tells you something about him. It also shows you what the rest of your life is going to look like with this man.

I had an ex who did that thing of having a 10 minute "breather" before tackling any chore, during said chore and after said chore. This would include doing a quarter of the washing up, having a breather, then doing the next quarter and so on. By which time the next dirty dishes were there to be washed up - and no I wasn't doing them as I was doing all the cooking.
This man is an EX mainly because of that - if he'd done all the other things your DH is doing he'd have been an ex even sooner.

separatebeds · 05/02/2020 09:42

If this has happened 3 yrs in you can guarantee that it will not get better. He has a lack of respect for you and his revolting habits have bobbed up to the surface.

Perhaps you did not notice in the early stages whilst you fancied him but also I suspect he was behaving more mannerly.....

I feel for you as I don't suppose he will maintain change for the long term and besides he has revealed himself for the pig he is....

codenameduchess · 05/02/2020 09:42

Most of that is irritating, but what is the issue with using a toilet to shit! I've never heard of anyone not allowed to use an en suite until the last couple of days on MN!

Abouttimemum · 05/02/2020 09:43

To be honest only the laziness and not washing away the phlegm would bother me. The phlegm thing is disgusting. The rest I do more than my husband probably. My bottom end has a life of its own.
And the being ‘groped’ - my hubby and I have an enjoyable slap and tickle all the time but it’s reciprocated. The real issue here is him not respecting your boundaries and what you find acceptable. You’ve fallen out of love with him and the fact he’s not willing to make (what are pretty easy changes) is telling. I agree you’ve got the ICK.
If my husband asked me to stop farting I’m sure I’d manage 🤣

PhilCornwall1 · 05/02/2020 09:44

Taking a dump in any toilet with the door open is just gross. I'm in with the door locked (keeps our eldest out, as he can't resist looking at himself in the bathroom mirror ) and the window well open.

I'll confess to farting, but in my defence, I'm on some heavy medication that as the leaflet says "will cause flatulence", but I don't make a point of doing it on purpose. Mrs PC can creep a cracker out as well though

Phlegm, I'd barff hearing that, let alone seeing it!!

As far as the groping and pestering is concerned, that's not on. Mrs PC is gorgeous too, but no way would I do that and I'm sure there would be a swift elbow in the gentleman's area if I did!!

This isn't about being comfortable, it's just gross!!

lottiegarbanzo · 05/02/2020 09:45

He's just wrong to think that love is an absolute, simple, unshakeable feeling. That's a very childish 'happily ever after' fairytale view.

Love is composite, complicated and mutable. The desire to have sex with someone, willingness to live with them, are not simple functions of love. They are very much contingent. It is very possible to feel love for someone but be unable to live with them. In which case you have to let them go.

Early 30s is a great time to meet someone. The best, in my view. You know yourself well. You're still at your most attractive - possibly more so than when younger, as more confident. You have time to meet people, find the right one and settle into a relationship, before having any DC you might want.

But, if you are seriously considering your options, don't wait until you're any older, as that timeframe, from meeting to reproducing, will contract into difficulty, pressure, then impossibility.

EngagedAgain · 05/02/2020 09:45

With perhaps the exception of the passing wind (but that depends on whether he kind of deliberately does it loud) as it's something that can't be helped as such, the other things he could and should be doing something about. There's just too many things isn't there to be able to ignore it. Tbh I can't see him changing. Sorry.

honeyloops · 05/02/2020 09:45

Some of those I could excuse - breaking wind and using the toilet are sometimes not very private in our house and we still fancy each other - but some are disgusting, and the sex pest stuff is horrible.

Deadringer · 05/02/2020 09:48

As he has got more 'comfortable' in the marriage you have become less so, and his need to be comfortable seems to be more important that yours. He is lazy and selfish, and a sex pest, yuck.

1forsorrow · 05/02/2020 09:48

He sounds revolting.

NotAPan · 05/02/2020 09:49

That's all absolutely gross. The way I see it, it's all born from a foundation of total lack of respect for you. He can't be arsed to modify his behaviour even slightly to avoid making you uncomfortable. That's really fucking disrespectful. He's prioritising his comfort in not having to close the bathroom door or not push out a fart the second he feels one over grossing you and the rest of mumsnet out, and yet despite you having raised this with him he has the fucking audacity to tell you to put up and shut up oh and spread your legs for him while you're there love. Fucking disrespectful.

Bluerussian · 05/02/2020 09:52

You're not unreasonable, he is gross. You must hammer it home to him that such behaviour is unacceptable.

Good luck.

Temp123999 · 05/02/2020 09:53

@thinsulation
Honestly, for the most part, the icky farty, wiping food, and phlegm bits that you described are all part of my happy loving relationship, and they don't bother me at all.
I can't believe anyone would find this acceptable behaviour by anyone over the age of five.
You have really low standards.

norealshepherds · 05/02/2020 09:55

The phlegm and laziness would bother me. But it’s all done to the individual and if this bothers you then have a conversation with him about it

AngstyAnnie · 05/02/2020 09:57

Oh yuck 🤢 do you have children OP? Or would this marriage be relatively easy to extract yourself from? I can't see it lasting honestly and I certainly wouldn't blame you! He sounds revolting and bone-idle. I'd be getting out of there. My stomach literally turned reading about the phlegm. Vile.

Ebeneser · 05/02/2020 09:59

It would put me off too. In fact mine leaves skid marks on the toilet bowl, shit marks on his bath towel, stubble around the sink, chest hair all over the bath, only brushes his teeth onve a day, Crumbs wherever he eats. The list is longer. I have requested repeatledly that he cleans up after himself, especially the toilet, to no avail. I haven’t had sex with him for over a year, and kicked him out to the spare room undee the guise that I’m co-sleeping with the toddler. Really it’s because he snores, insists the dog also sleeps on the bed and just generally pisses me off.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/02/2020 10:00

@Ebeneser why stay with a man you can't stand to be around?

Greta1985 · 05/02/2020 10:01

Have you read Alain de Botton ‘the course of love’, really recommend it if not. It’s a lovely book about marriage and outlines a major problem we all have these days: we’ve been told by the media (Bridget jones I’m looking at you in particular) that true love is ‘taking me as I am’, which is highly impractical when co-habiting. We all have habits that would make others cringe and to be successful in relationships we need to be open to learning from, and teaching our partners. For example I’m used to living alone and leaving my sweaty running gear hanging up to dry. My DP pointed out it was gross and smelly so I don’t do it any more. If he’s not open to learning from you that these things repulse you, then he doesn’t sound like a good partner.

Temp123999 · 05/02/2020 10:01

@Ebeneser
I take it he's loaded if your still with him

movingdilemma1234 · 05/02/2020 10:04

Not only would I not be attracted to him I'd not actually want to be anywhere near any person who had so little respect for me

Boredisboring · 05/02/2020 10:05

I think that you do have to tolerate a certain number of bad habits when you're living with someone. DH certainly has some but honestly, so do I.

Over the years I've had to pick my battles. Work out what the deal-breakers are. I managed to eliminate casual groping quite quickly, but struggled with piggy eating habits.

Sharing the mental load is a tough one. DH is totally crap in some areas, he just can't engage because he doesn't think some things are important. I've just had to compensate by totally washing my hands of some of the jobs that he values.

zasknbg · 05/02/2020 10:07

Some of it, taken individually, is part of living together, but the sum total of your list makes him filthy and disrespectful.

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