To ask whether these habits would put you off of having sex with your OH?

[Guccidowntothesocks]

DH and I have been married for 3 years. We are going through a rough patch at the moment in the sense that I’m not feeling sexually attracted to him and haven’t been able to have sex with him for months. This has reached the point where DH is questioning our marriage. We are both early 30s. Recently I’ve started to think about how disgusting some of his habits are. Many of these have developed over the years as he’s become more comfortable in the marriage and I wonder whether this is what has caused the ‘spark’ to go for me. I’ve listed some of the worst below:

• loudly passing wind, often in the middle of me talking to him
• shitting in the en-suite with the door open, whilst I’m in the bedroom
• general laziness/procrastination around house, constantly having to have a ‘10 minute sit down’ (which is always much longer) or ‘quick relax’ before doing anything that needs doing
• not carrying any of the mental load
• pestering for sex on a daily basis (apparently he can’t help that I’m so gorgeous)
• groping me whilst I’m cooking (see explanation above)
• using the back of his hand to wipe food off his mouth after eating (kitchen roll is on the table!)
• loudly coughing up phlegm and spitting it out in the sink or during a shower then not washing it away properly

I’ve spoken to DH about these and he refuses to accept that his habits are anything other than normal behaviour and just part of living together. Personally I feel that they are disrespectful and not in the slightest bit sexy. According to DH, if I really loved him then none of his habits would put me off of making love to him. Interested to know whether you’d still feel attracted to your partner/DH if he exhibited any/all of the habits listed above?

My ex was like this he repulsed me so much even being near him made me feel sick, we split up because of ‘my behaviour towards him’ and I’ve never been happier. Tell him how you feel and if he’s not willing to adult properly I’d leave him, how would he feel if you done all those things!?

@ScrimshawTheSecond is right, it's not about his bad habits, the problem is that you're falling out of love with each other.

We all see the grossest aspects of the human body when we're in a comfortable long term relationship. But if you're no longer comfortable with that level of intimacy then perhaps it's time to move on and let him find someone else who loves him flaws and all.

And this is only some of the list?
Do you want to stay with him OP?

He sounds disgusting and you sound like you have “the ick” I’m afraid.
It’s pretty much irreversible! Dh has a couple of gross habits such as passing wind in front of me which does my head in but I still fancy him. That’s how I know it’s love!

Was he born in a barn.

I was going to say he is like a teenager but my teenage /preteen boys are nothing like this.

I mean he sounds like a lazy, ill mannered teenager which is unattractive in itself.
The pestering for sex and groping while you're trying to get on with your daily tasks is deeply unsexy and frankly it would get on my nerves.
I had an ex like this who couldn't resist groping my arse every time I bent down, didn't matter if I was loading the dishwasher or using the oven. Funny once or twice but became fucking unbearably annoying over time as it would make me jump and it was bloody dangerous as he didn't care what I was holding or doing at the time.
It was a big factor in our split.
It pissed me off no end.

He's disgusting. lf it weren't for the age, l'd be asking if you were married to my ex husband.
l got more and more sickened by it. l doubt your husband will change, and you need to ask yourself if you can put up with another 50 years of this?

Just thinking more about it....I agree with pp who said it’s not necessarily what he does but how YOU feel about it. I had an ex who didn’t have any disgusting habits and was perfectly clean and polite but he did have personality traits that really bugged the hell out of me (he was very childish and used to practically stamp his feet when annoyed for instance). I quickly went off him and that was it. Once I realised I couldn’t possibly have sex with him again it was over. Whereas DH does pass wind etc (though nothing as bad as your dh!) but I still fancy him.
It’s about what you’re comfortable with. I suggest you read the thread from a few Weeks ago about “the ick” op - it was pretty much agreed that once the rot sets in there’s no going back..

Ishihtzuknot l was in exactly the same situation. My ex husband divorced me because of MY 'unreasonable behaviour' (ie, refusing to sleep with him, and l quote "refusing him access to the marital bed") because he behaved like this. He disgusted me, and l couldn't bear to be in the same room as him, never mind have sex with him.
We're well rid.

Just thinking about him doing those things made me retch :(

He doesn't make ANY effort to stop doing these things which would repulse almost everyone !

No-one would want to touch him with a 10 ft pole :(

I'd show him the replies and tell him these things ARE REPULSIVE, and unless he makes the changes in his behaviour you have asked for, you can't see a future for your marriage.

loserssaywhat l've actually posted on here about my ex husband being like this. He once groped me while l was washing my face, actually pushing my face under the water.
Apparently he had no idea why l was so furious.

Everybody farts but not deliberately loudly in company without apology / being mortified . And as for the smell and sound effects of plops - ewww . re groping while some women may like that clearly you don't which is fine .
No wonder you've gone off him . Even worse is his lack of listening to your concerns and trying to rectify things .
I'd be off .

What does "carrying the mental load" entail?

I could cope with the wind (I'm on medication that makes me pass a lot of wind), the rest would turn my stomach.

There is comfortable, and there is treating you like a bloke. My husband wouldn't do most of these in front of anyone and the poor bugger gets more than his share of the mental load moment. If he acted like your husband there would be no sex.

Thank you everyone, you’ve all confirmed what I knew deep down.

To those saying speak to him, I have had numerous conversations with him and he either claims I’m being dramatic, accuses me of nagging or says I must have some other issue with the marriage because I can’t possibly be put off by a couple of “normal habits” alone. To be honest I don’t think he’s capable of change.

To those asking, yes there are other foul habits I haven’t listed and no, we don’t have any children.

YANBU op! I'd be utterly turned off too

Pestering you for sex and groping you every day is sexual abuse. The rest is vile too.

Op I beg to differ...
You do indeed have a dc.
A disgusting teen imo.
Ltb and def don't procreate with him..

He’s a vile pig, end of. And to the PP who have mentioned the issue being you falling out of love and that’s why the habits are annoying you - if you accept these habits at any point in a relationship you need to reconsider where you’re setting your bar 🤨

Start calling him Onslo...

@katseyes7 I genuinely can't figure out why they do it.
I've read so many similar posts about men doing the same thing and it always blows my mind how many are like this.
What really bothered me about it was that he always waited and did it when I least expected it and would catch me off guard. I wish I knew why they think it's acceptable.

I'm relieved you don't have DC with this man OP. Write him off and consider it a lucky escape. My father treated my mother like this. Lazing on the couch like a pathetic slob and accusing her of "nagging" when she just wanted some help. He'd lift his leg and fart just to wind her up. It was so incredibly disrespectful. She eventually divorced him thank god. None of us talk to him now. These men don't change IME.

The spitting in the sink is the worst, followed by the open toilet door. Groping as opposed to an affectionate hug, and pestering for sex are definitely off putting

We are a pretty relaxed when it comes to most these things but reason some of the things on your list are normal for us (to some degree) is because we are all okay with it.

- loudly passing wind, often in the middle of me talking to him
Trying our best to avoid farting in front of each other but I cook Indian and Mexican a lot and am only willing to get off the sofa so many times after dinner. The louder and/or stinkier, the more of an effort we make to leave the room.

- shitting in the en-suite with the door open, whilst I’m in the bedroom
Never. Very rarely we talk while one of us pees or I empty my mooncup but that is mostly when the dogs or DC decided these things are group activities and left the door open.

- general laziness/procrastination around house, constantly having to have a ‘10 minute sit down’ (which is always much longer) or ‘quick relax’ before doing anything that needs doing
That was something DH worked on and finally overcame - took a lot of communication from both of us. Probably a 2 to 3 year process.

- not carrying any of the mental load
Is linked to
- pestering for sex on a daily basis (apparently he can’t help that I’m so gorgeous) and
- groping me whilst I’m cooking (see explanation above)
in my experience. I flat out explained that even when I am horny as hell, it is not going to do him any good if I am too tired to act on it. Again, lots of communication, we got there in the end.

- using the back of his hand to wipe food off his mouth after eating (kitchen roll is on the table!)
DH has never done this, thankfully, but it sounds as if your DH might be a messy eater?

- loudly coughing up phlegm and spitting it out in the sink or during a shower then not washing it away properly
DH does that with toothpaste - I have given up the fight and just fill the bathroom sink every morning to let it soak.

And yes, we've had sex pretty much throughout our relationship also less though when he dropped the mental load ball.

That being said, it sounds more as if you have two issues:

1. He has a couple of disgusting habits
2. He not doing his share which means you have to do it all.

The second one is not acceptable, no matter what. The first one really depends - I expect my partner to make some effort to 'keep the mystery alive'. If something disgusts me or DH, we at least try to avoid that behaviour. By not doing it, your DH shows that he his not valuing or respecting you and your emotional needs. That is a much bigger issue and going by what you are saying, he does not seem to realise that. Hence, the first step for me would be to explain that this is what it and how it makes you feel.

Oh come on! He’s just comfortable in his own home. And what on Earth is a ‘mental load?’
Seriously, my husband farts and slaps my arse when I’m cooking. I still can’t wait to jump his bones.