So worried please help, DS Mental Health Journey, Part 2 *title edited by MNHQ at OP's request*

[WhatNowFrantic]

I got the last thread deleted as it became quite outing but the support on here has been such a help to me so I've started this thread.
So DS started AD at the weekend and is so far feeling awful, he's pale, pupils dilated, feels anxious and dizzy. I don't think he realises how ill he is.
He's off work so I'm hoping they start to kick in soon. I'm worried he's got too much time on his hands while he's off and don't want him sat thinking.
Of course it's all my fault at the moment as I dragged him to the GP and got him to have time off. He's just not in a good place right now.

I can disagree because I know how I felt. I'm not you.

What do you disagree with?

I'm not sure I understand the point you are making incognitomum.

I am trying to offer some help to the OP.

Putting your own life first ect...

Anyway this isn't AIBU so I'm not commenting about this anymore and concentrating on supporting OP. As are you.

incognitomum

I am trying to support the OP.

I have had intensive counselling myself un order to deal with my awful situation.

We can only do what we can do as parents.
We can't "fix" our aduly children.
Having no control over such a bad situation is truly awful.

What we do have control over is our response to these situations.
And I am sorry if you feel I am coming across as argumentative or combative incognitomum , that really is not my intention.

My own life has been improved by reframing, counselling, working on boundaries.
The situation with my son remains the same, but I have found joy again.

The OP seems overwhelmed and looking for solutions answers and ways to help her son. She has such a heavy burden and sounds unhappy.

I am trying to explain that there is some relief- at least for some of the time, her burdens can be eased, not in terms of "fixing" her son, but by shifting her response to it.

If you think that is unhelpful then I am sorry.

My son has been ill for 4 years- deep depression, unable to work suicidal etc.

But I have other family members- an elderly parent to care for too, a wonderful OH and a DD who is happy but needs support as she transitions into adult life. My famkly need me to be in a good place.
My ill son needs me to be in a good place.
I need me to be in a good place.
My DS may be in the same situation 10 years from now.

I am not prepared to write joy out of my life - if that sounds heartless and cold then I am sorry.
I simply want to show the OP that a fruitful life is possible, even when we are faced with such difficult circumstances.

I understand where you are coming from @speakout but I'm afraid I don't totally agree. I'm happy if my kids are happy, if they are unhappy, so am I
I don't know if that's right or wrong but I can't help how I feel. I'm totally devastated by what my son is going through and I can go and see friends, have a meal, go to the cinema, but I will still be sad. He lives with us, his life affects my life.
Someone once said " We are only as happy as our unhappiest child Sorry but I agree with this🤷‍♀️

Ok, well that's fine.

We just have different perspectives.

This akes for interesting reading however.

www.thechaosandtheclutter.com/archives/parenting-myth-youre-only-as-happy-as-your-saddest-child

I'm totally with you OP I really try not to be sad when they are sad but I really can't help it take good care 💐

I'm with you Frantic, if DS is struggling it affects everyone in the house. Not for a minute do we think' he's an adult and has to deal with it himself'.
I'm in my 50s and my dad is still affected if I am struggling with anything at all, not just mental health, and he lives at the other end of the country

I totally understand.

But trying to maintain our own joy is something we can control.
For the first few years of my DSs poor mental health I was living a half life.
Tearful, anxious, afraid, going about my day but with no joy. I would sit and cry at the kitchen table on his bad days, my whole emotional status was governed by his illness.

He is still no better but I have learned a great deal about coping myself.

We can't go through life being dependant on others for our own happiness, and I don't want to model that behaviour to my children.

DS and I are very close, and for a long time he felt very burdened by the fact that I was so sad about his illness. He felt guilty , and if he saw me upset his own mood would plummet, making things " a hundred times worse" feeling that he caused me to feel this way.

My counselling really helped me to come to terms with the whole situation.
Yes there are times when I still feel sad, afraid and worried, but most of the time I am joyful.
And my son feels better because he sees my authentic joy, my spark for life, he feels much better knowing that I am coping well.
And as a result our relationship has deepened, I am helping him open up his own world a little more and show him how joy can be found.
He seeks out my company, we go on outings , laugh and talk I am a rock to him, unshakable.
I now feel more optimistic than I have done in the past few years, and I feel it is because I have turned back from allowing this awful illness to blight everyone in the family,

We are all at very different stages of this difficult journey.
@Speakout you say you've had counselling to help you get to this stage, most of us haven't.
You've been coached into finding joy in your life, we haven't. When you were at the beginning of this you would not have appreciated, nor agreed with, being told to enjoy your own life etc.
You ought to appreciate what we are going through not criticise.

I respect everyone's views but speakout really does make sense.

It's so important to be as healthy and positive as you can be, depression can bring everyone down with it. Yes supporting your ds is vital but so is your own mental health.

PleaseShare

I really really don't want to sound critical, I am sorry if I am offending anyone.

I am trying to give a glimmer of hope to anyone else in a desperate situation.
Sometimes knowing that others have managed to overcome similar circumstances can make us think it can be possible for us too.

I sought counselling as a last resort, my own pain was unbearable, the first thing my counsellor asked me was " what do you want to achieve from this"- I said I wanted to find some joy in my life.

Counselling is not "coaching", counselling allows us to explore our own feelings and thoughts and find solutions ourselves.

Just for information I sought help from a local carer's support organisation, a charity, they have been brilliant.

Although I was reluctant to see myself as a carer for my adult son, the support organisation helped me sort out benefits, they run courses for carers- including those of us supprting adults with MH conditions.
They also organised and paid for my counselling.

I am not telling anyone that they should simply go out and enjoy life- and I don't mean to criticise.

I am simply saying that there can be a way forward for ourselves, whether or not our children find a resolution.

Again apologies if I have offended anyone.

Speakout is making sense think you are just not at that stage yet.
After coping with sons MH self harm and attempted suicides for last 6 yrs I can see it with a bit more objectivity Now he is getting better.
At the time I was consumed by it and it nearly cost me my own health, my job and my happiness. I would like most sacrifice anything for my kids. But I had other kids to stay strong for, a partner, life long friends.
I don't think anyone is saying let them get on with it and it's their issue. What people often need is a bit of space and some boundaries to protect you and him.
Don't let this consume you. We have unfortunately no control over others actions even our own children. We can support and guide but not cure or change people.
For me it's been a very very long road. I can now he a lot better sleep at night. Its taken years but you have to try and stay positive.
I was lucky in that my son never blames me, his upbringing etc. But he cannot emotionally use giving up his job against you. Please don't reinforce that kind of manipulation.
I found writing a journal helped. Only I saw it but I wrote all my worst fears down. Looking back on it now and rereading it I ca n see how far my son and myself have come.
Maybe get some counselling if you can for your own self. This may help you cope in the longer term.
Sending positive vibes

thank you @Daphne65 I can access counselling at work but I'm not ready for that yet.
DS isn't really blaming me for getting him to resign, it was just a spur of the moment rant. He realises he couldn't work there anymore but it was such a big step for him to make himself jobless.
He's gone for a curry tonight, wasn't keen but I think it will do him good .

It is really good he has some friends and is going out that gives you a but of space. Is there any other family members who can support him too, sharing the caring makes it easier. My other adult kids, sisters, partner etc all helped me and that was such a blessing. They all told him individually, in letters or cards too how loved and needed he was. I think one of the important things for people who are suicidal is to feel needed, included and that they have a role in family/life etc. My son is an introvert so doesn't really go out much, but he used drawing, music, walking (I did the latter with him sometimes) Hopefully there is something other than work he can channel his emotions into.

Thanks @Daphne65 We have told DS siblings now, they were shocked of course but have txt him.
He is quite shy with people he doesn't know, he hates meeting new people but luckily has a wide circle of friends.Hes not one for reading but listens to music and has downloaded a book.
He's just panicking about not having a job now, I've, again tried to tell him he needs to chill out for a few weeks .

Just a mini update,
DS has been having up and down days, he's taking 50mg sertraline now, and the only side effect seems to be insomnia, but some of that could be that he's not working so is up later and not so active.
Anyway, today was a good day, he came out with me and a relative this morning and he put music on in the car!! this hasnt happened for ages!
He has also had lunch with a friend and walked the dog.
small but positive steps😌

That sounds very positive. Hopefully being off work and taking the sertraline is starting to make a difference. It will probably still be up and down but hopefully mainly up .

Thanks, I'm trying not to get too optimistic. I'm sure being away from the job is a huge factor, altho he still is fretting about being jobless.
He's had 2 weeks of sertraline now, so I don't know if they would have kicked in yet?

He’s only been on the higher dose for a week but it could be starting to make a slight difference. It sometimes settles anxiety before it lifts the mood. You may well notice small changes before he does .
Fingers crossed

Thanks @Strictlybakeoff I'm crossing everything😊

Hello I lost your last thread

Glad to see things are in the up - I have had an increase in my AD recently and felt a lot worse before I felt better. I was very tired yet was awake a lot in the night. 4 weeks later I'm feeling better and insomnia has gone. I hope your DS continues to get well soon. Fantastic that you supported his resignation especially if that was adding to the depression.
How has the Caroline flack news resonated with your DS?

I'm glad things are a little calmer.

Without counselling for yourself you are going to be stuck in a place where your mood goes up and down with his and eventually burn out.

Your son is depressed and is battling suicide, how bad does life have to get before YOU accept help, not just him?

I'm 6 years on from you. I really do get it.

Friendsofmine wise words.