So worried please help, DS Mental Health Journey, Part 2 *title edited by MNHQ at OP's request*

[WhatNowFrantic]

I got the last thread deleted as it became quite outing but the support on here has been such a help to me so I've started this thread.
So DS started AD at the weekend and is so far feeling awful, he's pale, pupils dilated, feels anxious and dizzy. I don't think he realises how ill he is.
He's off work so I'm hoping they start to kick in soon. I'm worried he's got too much time on his hands while he's off and don't want him sat thinking.
Of course it's all my fault at the moment as I dragged him to the GP and got him to have time off. He's just not in a good place right now.

He is finding it a little tough to see the bigger picture at the moment, he is worried what people will say as it seems such a good job from the outside.
But I think it's for the best, he just needs to come to the decision.

That's good he's agreed to see the therapist again. I hope he can see some light soon.

I didn't hear DS moving about in the night and he "thinks" he slept better. I think once he makes a decision about his job, either way it will be a huge relief. Right now his mind is racing wondering what to do for the best.
Better news is that moving up to 50mg seems to have had no effect re side effects, other than he's really hungry!

Sounds more positive today.

I found out what was wrong on Sunday, a txt from his boss, I won't go into detail but it was totally uncalled for and that's why he retreated to his bed unable to speak to us.
I knew something had happened!

Do you think it's time to tell DS you and his father want him to quit his job? Take the decision and worry about what people will think/is he making the right decision, away from him?

@wigglewaggle01 DS is aware me and DH are happy to support him if he resigns. At first I was worried that him having no job would be detrimental to his mental health but I now think he needs it. I've told him another job will come along and he lives with us, has no mortgage to pay so it will be ok.
I think he is beginning to see that he needs to get out of the toxic environment for his own health.

His boss really shouldn't be contacting him when he's off sick.

Sounds like work is a big contributing factor in his depression, I think you're doing the right thing supporting him to leave.

Poor lad - the last thing he needs is an unsupportive boss! Hugs to you all

OP I could have written your scenario- it sounds identical to the situation you are in.

My DS is nt working , taking no meds, won't seek help.

I know the hell you are going through.

One thing I would say is get support yourself- counselling if it helps.

Apart from the support you are giving him the best thing you can do is to try to find a little joy in your own life.

It is easy to be consumed when our child is in such a dark place, but it is not your dark place, and you have to make sure you don't allow yourself to be dragged down by sadness or anxiety.

That is the real struggle.

Ultimately you are two people, and this is his path- not yours.
Although your instincts scream to help and wrap him up in love actually stepping back a little will let him find his own hands on his own oars.

Of course be there, listen, talk, cuddle, drive him to appointments discuss treatment if he wants you to engage- but let him control this.

You have to for your own peace of mind- your own sanity- your own joy.

He has resigned, apparently it went well.
He is now regretting in as he doesn't want to be unemployed. He seems to have conveniently forgotten all the stresses from the last few months at work and all the panic attacks and tears.
And of course it's all my fault as I told him to resign
Here we go again!

Oh shit. He shouldn't be blaming you. Am so sorry to hear this.

Give him a bit of time to process his decision to resign - it’s a big step after all.
A routine is VITAL for maintaining mental health ( I have a dissociative disorder as well as severe depression anxiety)

My advice and what worked for me :

Get up and go to bed every day at the same time.
Eat as healthy as you can.
Work out.
Meditate or listen to relaxing hypnotic sessions on you tube.
GO TO THERAPY
Keep going with the AD - they will help in the long run.

After he has been able to establish a good routine he can incorporate work/studies into his life again

He is lucky to have such supportive parents, he needs to take this golden opportunity to build himself up again.

I’m happy to point you in direction of some good content aimed at young men on YouTube/ books as well

Maybe he can see getting well as his job- including working on himself as advised by the therapist, exercising, taking on some responsibilities in the house- perhaps running the household budget or planning meals or something to reduce your efforts as you’re probably running on empty and he needs to begin to take back control in his life. Can he use this time to consider what other working opportunities are out there for him? Maybe he’d like a different career or to do some study? Help him see this time is important and he can use it well.
And you make sure you’re also taking time for you and your husband.

Thanks @incognitomum
I'm a bit emotional but I'm hoping it's just a knee jerk reaction from him. It was obvious he couldn't carry on but I guess it's such a big decision he's bound to wonder if he's done the right thing.

Can empathise with your situation. Been dealing with own son (now in his early 20s) for last few years. Its very difficult. He is on setraline now after few suicide attempts and trying many other AD. It takes its toll on you as a mother and can be very intense. My son waited over 2 years for therapy now seeing psychologist. There is no quick fix as you will know. We were 2 steps forward one back for a long time. He has also been brought by the police, often disappeared in the middle of night and I have even found him semi conscious after OD etc etc. It makes you so anxious. I hardly slept a wink for months and months. Ultimately your son needs to find his own answers though and all we as parents can do is be there for them. I found he needed space as well as support. You have to stay positive, try to believe it will get better. I know how hard that is after living for past few years thinking my son wouldn't make it. You also need to be kind to yourself esp if he is blaming you for things. Make sure you still do things that make you happy and get support for yourself. My son (touch wood) is now doing well, stable and way better. I think he will always have issues with his MH but hope and pray the worst is over. My other kids neve had these issues try not to blame yourself

what can i say to him to make him see that resigning was the right thing to do?
He is in such a state now I'm so upset. He says he regrets it

I don't think it is your place tp "make him see it was the right thing to do"

Honestly OP.

Support him as you can, but he needs time to lick hs own wounds a little right now.

I am really rooting for you and your DS. Reading your thread made me want to pitch in 2 things from my life that may or may not have any relevance but mainly I wanted to send supportive thoughts.

Years and years ago something horrible pushed me into deep depression and I had similar ADs for a while. Once they started to take effect I noticed that the negative thought spiral that had been so awful and relentless would start up, do one circuit as it were and then I'd sort of shrug and start thinking about something else. What a blessed relief!

The other thing is at one time I was really desperate about someone in my family and somehow landed in Alanon family groups which was full of wisdom and kindness and the suggestion to "focus on yourself". MN is fantastic but is there also some support you could get IRL, even a short course of CBT for yourself to help you process all this and learn to model some techniques that might help your son.

Good luck 🌷

Thankyou.
I'm hating all this rollercoaster shit. Why do I feel so bad. He is really down this morning saying he's done such a stupid thing. I know it's his illness not helping him see straight but he couldn't carry on doing that job.
He's frantically online looking for jobs now, I just wish he would give himself a few weeks break!

Best jobhunting book ever in my opinion What Colour is your Parachute? And encourages reflecting on what you enjoy and feel enthusiasm to do. Lots of cartoons and humour.

Reading and working through the exercises creates a pause for reflection.

When I first started ADs I felt high as a kite 24 hours a day at first (genuinely, I didn’t sleep all night as completely wired), it was incredibly unpleasant - however once they kicked in they changed my life forever. I’m on them long term and I’m fine with that. Please just ask him to hang in there it will be so much better soon.

I'm hating all this rollercoaster shit. Why do I feel so bad.

OP - sorry to keep banging on about this- but this is his rollercoaster, not yours.
I understand that you love him, you care, you want to help and probably feel a mixture of emotions- fear, sadness, frustration- and more!
Step off the rollercoaster please.
His best chance is having you strong, stable and calm at his side.

His life is not your life.
I am not saying don't love or care.
Give what support you can, but you need boundaries.

Nurture yourself- step back, do other things, find your own joy.

You have to do this for yourself- but ultimately this is the route to giving your son the best support you can.

My DS is in the same position as yours OP- he has his struggles, it is really tough at times.

But I can engage with calmness and authentic joy- DS doesn't have to worry about the impact his illness has on me- I am able to deal with that.
He knows I am a rock for him, but that comes from putting my own life first.

Someone once said " We are only as happy as our unhappiest child"

What a heap of shit.

@speakout I'm going to disagree with you there. I felt the same as OP when my son was in a similar situation. I've known plenty of young men who've been successful in their suicide bids and when your son is researching it and even worse for OP attempting it then it rips your heart out. The fear is horrendous.

incognitomum

How can you disagree?

You think living a life of fear, panic and sadness is helping anyone?

It is because I am in this situation too that I want to speak up.
I do understand what it feels like.

I understand the fear, the upset - all the emotions involved when caring for an adult child in this situation.

But we can't lose ourselves too- that's the point I am making. If we allow ourselves to drop into the abyss then we are no help to anyone- not to ourself, not to our child.