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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Had the police round this morning

539 replies

Notinthemood04 · 04/02/2020 17:49

They'd had "several" reports about me leaving my younger daughter in the car on the school road while I drop my older one at school. This eventually became 2 reports and I know who they are from, although I don't know this person's name.
Even though I haven't done anything wrong in the eyes of the law, the policewoman said she would never even have left a 10 year old alone in a car ever, and would have to refer me to social services.
I have had to agree I will not leave her alone in the car again for the 2 minutes it takes, even though I feel it it safer to leave her strapped into her car seat rather than take her out of the car and into the road. The car is no more likely to get hit in those 2 mins than in the 5 mins we all spend in the car waiting for the school gates to open.
I feel utterly shit and deflated, and like I now I have to do something that feels more of a risk to me than my current not ideal choice.
I don't know if social services will visit me or not. It doesn't really matter.
AIBU as a parent to think that I am capable of making my own choice as to how to best keep both of my children safe? DD2 is 3.7 in case that matters.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 04/02/2020 18:59

So the road is so busy you won’t open the door but you will leave your child in the car? Seems rather flawed logic.

And at 3.7 that means she will starting school in September so how will you manage then?

bobstersmum · 04/02/2020 18:59

I have to add though that whoever reported you is out of order, had it been me observing this id have approached you nicely myself, and if you didn't stop after that I'd have mentioned it to school. Police is excessive. And now ss, I do feel for you.

FrankieDoyle · 04/02/2020 19:01

YABU sorry. She's way too young and it's a risk I just wouldn't take.

CustardySergeant · 04/02/2020 19:01

Why can't your 7 year old walk the 8 metres from the car to the school gates with you staying with the car and your 3 year old watching? You've said that you park on the same side of the road as the school so surely your 7 year old won't get lost/abducted/run over between the car and the school gates.

CustardySergeant · 04/02/2020 19:03

I meant you watching by the way, not your 3 year old.

PlumsGalore · 04/02/2020 19:04

I’m fairly relaxed and I wouldn’t have done it either, lots of reasons including distress, getting out of the car seat and getting out of the car, letting the handbrake off, being abducted, the car being hit by one of the maniacs that also drive the school run, lots of things but don't beat yourself up, move on from it.

None of us are perfect parents and if you don’t do it again and learn from it, then all is well.

WorraLiberty · 04/02/2020 19:05

When she was little we used to take the pram and a buggy board. I suppose it's only over the last 12 months we've tended to drive to school rather than walk.

You've been doing this for a whole year??

katy1213 · 04/02/2020 19:06

I think social services will have far more pressing things to deal with than this.
And, as it isn't a breach of the law, the policewoman's opinion on how she handles her own children is irrelevant.

Lipz · 04/02/2020 19:07

I won't open her door out into the road in a morning. I'll have to undo her seatbelt inside the car and get her to climb across. And do the same in reverse getting back into the car

There must be a path on one side of the car. Turn the car and park so that the car seat is nearest to the the path so you don't have to go climb across seats. Also if you are so near the school as you say, get out and stand at the car and let your 7 year old walk to the gates.

Elbels · 04/02/2020 19:07

Why can't your 7 year old walk 8 meters down the road on their own?

Franticbutterfly · 04/02/2020 19:08

I feel for you, but 3 is too young unless you can see the car at all times.

Wynston · 04/02/2020 19:09

I have to ask and im not looking for a reaction but do you all take kids out of the car whilst paying for fuel at the garage???

runrabbitrunrunrun · 04/02/2020 19:09

Is the car locked or open? Open and you run the risk of abduction. And locked- what if there was a crash or a fire?
How is getting your child out the car dangerous? Park a bit further away if you’re parking somewhere dangerous.
There’s no justification for this.

Universalcreditwoes · 04/02/2020 19:09

If you walked before why can't you walk now?

bluebellforest · 04/02/2020 19:10

If it is only 8m away and you can see the car, I really don't see the problem x

youwouldthink · 04/02/2020 19:11

Why can't you switch the car seat to the side of the car that opens to the pavement? Your elder daughter can come out after you take your 3 year old out.
Surely its not a huge deal to pop in and out of car seat to ensure safety!

CakeandCustard28 · 04/02/2020 19:11

YABU. Not a risk I would ever be willing to take, however reporting you to social services is a bit far fetched.

HouseOfCrayCray · 04/02/2020 19:12

8m with the car constantly in sight is fine, people are over reacting. If you couldn't see the car & went fully into the school then of course ywbu, but with it being a matter of metres then yanbu. How do you know it was this dad, did he say something to you at the time?

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 04/02/2020 19:13

For me, it's a choice of having to get one of them out of the car into the road, or leave the younger one for what is literally 2 minutes.

Why are you getting her out on the road? Get them both out on the pavement!

Also-if it’s only 2 minutes that means it’s a 1 minute journey to the gates. Your 7 year old could manage that whilst you stood by the car and watched her go in.

Bowerbird5 · 04/02/2020 19:13

I know a three year old who can undo a 5 point harness.
I know a nearly three and a nearly four year old that were left in the car. The older one got out of his seat belt and got into the driver's seat and somehow the hand brake was let off. The car was on a small hill. It rolled down the hill onto a small roundabout (the sort some people drive across) and went right across luckily no one was on the roundabout. A driver saw it put his hazards on and jumped out to help the kids.
It could have been a very serious accident. The mum was very shocked as you can imagine. She was a playgroup mum.
JRUIN If the police have been informed they have to follow it up and involve Social Services as it is a safe-guarding concern.

Does the 7 year old have SEN OP because I would have thought if she was on the same side of the school that she could walk in herself otherwise please take the 3 year old with you. The parent has done it because he cares.

meaows · 04/02/2020 19:13

I personally wouldn't do it, however providing you can actually see the car I don't think that it's a terrible thing to do. I have a child a similar age and I know that she would sit nicely in her seat, I do leave her whilst I fuel up but I suppose it's the busy road that is the danger (people do seem to drive crazy around school run times).

JKScot4 · 04/02/2020 19:13

8 metres? Basically 10 strides, the length of a living room but your 7 yr old can’t walk that unattended? Ridiculous!
Also ridiculous a dad reporting this IF the time and distance is true.
If you used to walk it, walk it again, no need for unneccessary journeys, this is why schools are so congested, half the cars are probably unneeded.

KayElleBee · 04/02/2020 19:15

Why not move the 3yo's car seat so it's on the kerb side and you can easily get her out and strap her back in again afterwards? Presumably your 7yo can get her own seatbelt on and off and can climb across from the other side of the back seat to get out once the 3yo has got out of the car?

Babayaggatheboneylegged · 04/02/2020 19:16

Stop driving your kids to school if you don’t have to! So many parents drive to our school, clogging up the surrounding roads, endangering pedestrians, getting into arguments with other road users and damaging all our childrens’ lungs.

Just WALK.

Re leaving the three year old in the car, I was a bit undecided, but after reading all the hand wringing and catastrophising on this thread, I just can’t believe how panicked everyone is about what seems a fairly low risk event. I can’t BELIEVE the police came to see you and can’t imagine social work with give a shit, but would be so pissed off at the interference in my life. So I’m with you on that front.

Walking to school would solve everything Wink

Original poster
Notinthemood04 · 04/02/2020 19:16

Yes I've been parking this way once / twice a fortnight for a year I suppose.

When she starts school she will have to get out of the car and I will get both of them to climb out of the car onto the pavement side.

It's a matter of a couple of seconds for me to get out of the car into the road, and I can keep my door as narrowly opened as possible. Getting a child out of a car involves the door being open much wider and takes longer, of course.

DD1 doesn't have the confidence to walk those few metres by herself. I get that the vast majority of you don't agree with my choice, but it is one I made believing it to be the safest option for both of my children. Not because I can't be arsed, or because I'm a negligent or shit parent.

OP posts:
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