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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Had the police round this morning

539 replies

Notinthemood04 · 04/02/2020 17:49

They'd had "several" reports about me leaving my younger daughter in the car on the school road while I drop my older one at school. This eventually became 2 reports and I know who they are from, although I don't know this person's name.
Even though I haven't done anything wrong in the eyes of the law, the policewoman said she would never even have left a 10 year old alone in a car ever, and would have to refer me to social services.
I have had to agree I will not leave her alone in the car again for the 2 minutes it takes, even though I feel it it safer to leave her strapped into her car seat rather than take her out of the car and into the road. The car is no more likely to get hit in those 2 mins than in the 5 mins we all spend in the car waiting for the school gates to open.
I feel utterly shit and deflated, and like I now I have to do something that feels more of a risk to me than my current not ideal choice.
I don't know if social services will visit me or not. It doesn't really matter.
AIBU as a parent to think that I am capable of making my own choice as to how to best keep both of my children safe? DD2 is 3.7 in case that matters.

OP posts:
Overthinker1988 · 04/02/2020 21:53

Jesus, at 10 I was going to school and back on my own and navigating a busy city's public transport, cooking myself basic meals, cleaning the house and staying in the house by myself for several hours. This was only in the 90s so not even THAT long ago.
And no I wasn't neglected, but my parents had to work full time so that was life.
Leaving a 3 year old strapped in a seat in a locked car is not a disaster, I mean I probably wouldn't do it but it hardly warrants calling social services!

whatevertr · 04/02/2020 21:55

@abraid2 well the mother being in the car would've meant the child wouldn't get close to the handbrake, I assume. Hmm

A child in dds school let the handbrake off a couple of weeks ago whilst mum was waiting for older child

Zofloramummy · 04/02/2020 21:58

My dd is 8, she cycles to school every day. I am with her but some distance behind carrying her bags! It’s part of her developing her independence and road safety. We built up her skills over a few weeks.
Your 7 yr old needs to develop her confidence too, maybe try walking to the gate, then halfway etc. At 3 my dd would have been quite upset at being left in the car.

Snowman123 · 04/02/2020 22:00

I think 3 is too young. Depends if you could see the car or not.

Don't beat yourself up - fully risk assess the situation (what COULD happen?!) and you will come to the right answer

MollysMummy2010 · 04/02/2020 22:09

I dropped my 10 year old off on my way to work this morning - she had to walk quarter of a mile on her own. She was 10 last week. She walks the same distance to meet me after school so we don’t clog up the parking round the school and has done for the last year. I wouldn’t leave a 3 year old though.

EverythingChanges321 · 04/02/2020 22:09

Everyone does this where I live, particularly during the winter months.
If it’s not a criminal offence then I’d have thanked the policewoman for her advice and left it at that. She can go ahead and report to SS for all the interest they’ll take in the matter.

I wonder if she’s related to the nosy bastard and is just doing this as a favour to him?

KittyTsui · 04/02/2020 22:11

No, you are not being unreasonable. For the purpose of a 2-5 minute errand (such as dropping another child at school) a locked, parked car in moderate temperatures is a safe place to leave a pre-school aged child.

I've done it, when filing up with petrol, when dropping DD1 at school before driving 150m down the road to drop DD2 at pre-school (the joys of 5 minute parking zones). I'd do it again.

I think the other parent who reported you is being unreasonable. I don't judge people who clog up the car parks by getting their toddlers out to do a 50m dash-and-drop, I'd like to think they won't judge me for doing the same task quicker by leaving my youngest in the car Wink

bumum · 04/02/2020 22:12

Wow, so surprised to see so many people say 3 is too young. I'd have left my 3 year old in his 5 point harness that he can't undo. He's pretty sensible and understands I'll be back in a moment. I'd honestly rather do that than have the stress of getting him out onto the road. Think it really comes down to the individual child and the individual set up. My two are 9 and 4 now and I'll leave them in the car for a quick pop into a supermarket to pick up an item. They are both sensible and listen to music no problem. I really can't see the problem with it (if the child is ready for it). I'm sorry this has happened to you op.

KittyTsui · 04/02/2020 22:12

@FuckYouBrexitVoters

Exactly, well said.

Verily1 · 04/02/2020 22:13

It is supervisory neglect to leave a 3 year old unattended in any place at any time.

You are very lucky the police didn’t charge you- you could have ended up with a criminal conviction for child abuse if a different officer had dealt with you!

Social services will follow this up and if you don’t see the issue then your dcs may need up under child protection procedures!

norealshepherds · 04/02/2020 22:16

I personally wouldn’t do it, but as you aren’t breaking any laws I wouldn’t worry any further

EmeraldShamrock · 04/02/2020 22:17

I bet there has been more than one parent talking about this
I'm not sure. I think it is more common than you'd expect and once you get into the habit the time gets longer.
I often see school mums queuing for breakfast, getting the newspaper, wee nosey around the shop, their DC in the car outside. Mine wouldn't allow me DS is my stalker.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/02/2020 22:19

a locked, parked car in moderate temperatures is a safe place to leave a pre-school aged child It really is not.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 04/02/2020 22:20

@Verily1 where are you getting this information?

JockTamsonsBairns · 04/02/2020 22:20

Seems to be so many people who have witnessed, or have heard of, a handbrake calamity. Don't the drivers of these runaway vehicles think to leave them in gear? And the wheels turned slightly towards the kerb? It would prevent a hell of a lot of these schoolgate incidents.

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 04/02/2020 22:25

I wouldn’t leave the 3 yo. Too young.

I do leave my 11 yo (and might leave my 6 yo to pay for petrol or something when he was in view) but not a 3 yo.

Oliversmumsarmy · 04/02/2020 22:27

the policewoman said she would never even have left a 10 year old alone in a car ever, and would have to refer me to social services

Dd at 10 was making her way to school 15 miles across London on her own 2 tubes and a longish walk.

pjmask · 04/02/2020 22:30

Verily1 where are you getting this information?
@Iminaglasscaseofemotion she's totally making it up. Complete scaremongering nonsense

pastabest · 04/02/2020 22:33

JockTamsonsBairns

I've never really thought about it but I always leave the car in gear when parked up, old habit from living on a hill. I wonder if that's part of the reason I don't feel all that anxious about kids knocking the handbrake off.

Verily social workers aren't going to do anything about this. I've known several social workers over the years who do this themselves. Perhaps dealing with children who are actually properly at risk from violence, drugs and serious neglect on a daily basis gives them some perspective.

BrigidSt · 04/02/2020 22:37

I learnt to get out of a strapped in car seat at that age, as above, arms out first, wriggle wriggle, my parents found this out as we were on the motorway. Dad braked, I flew forward, dislocated hip. It can happen, especially a bored toddler wondering where mum is. Fiddling and working out catches and handles and buckles. Knows not to talk to strangers at 3? Nah, don't be ridiculous. I walked to school at 7. Let her learn how and look after your other child.

Nuttyfellalovesnutella · 04/02/2020 22:42

It’s fine to do this, if you perceive it to be safe and really it’s no ones business but your own. The police’s time has been wasted by this nonsense and now social services time is wasted too.

Does the 3/4 year old not get upset when alone in the car though?

Sunshineand · 04/02/2020 22:51

I'd have left my 3 year old in his 5 point harness that he can't undo. He's pretty sensible and understands I'll be back in a moment.

You think a three year old is 'sensible'. Confused You need to be very careful.

'Just because they don't, doesn't mean they won't'

is a phrase I think you could do with hearing

Sunshineand · 04/02/2020 22:52

I can imagine you berating him: "what were you thinking?!".Confused

'sensible' is such an odd word to use for a three year old.

VenusTiger · 04/02/2020 22:54

What happens in the blistering heat of summer OP? Going to leave all the windows open?

I reported a mum myself a few years ago, she was leaving her toddler, nearly 2, in the car, in the heat with all the windows down, and she was on the road side!!! She could easily have been either snatched or undone her belt herself and fell straight out of the window onto the road.

CrazyMeep · 04/02/2020 22:55

YABU.