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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Had the police round this morning

539 replies

Notinthemood04 · 04/02/2020 17:49

They'd had "several" reports about me leaving my younger daughter in the car on the school road while I drop my older one at school. This eventually became 2 reports and I know who they are from, although I don't know this person's name.
Even though I haven't done anything wrong in the eyes of the law, the policewoman said she would never even have left a 10 year old alone in a car ever, and would have to refer me to social services.
I have had to agree I will not leave her alone in the car again for the 2 minutes it takes, even though I feel it it safer to leave her strapped into her car seat rather than take her out of the car and into the road. The car is no more likely to get hit in those 2 mins than in the 5 mins we all spend in the car waiting for the school gates to open.
I feel utterly shit and deflated, and like I now I have to do something that feels more of a risk to me than my current not ideal choice.
I don't know if social services will visit me or not. It doesn't really matter.
AIBU as a parent to think that I am capable of making my own choice as to how to best keep both of my children safe? DD2 is 3.7 in case that matters.

OP posts:
PixieDustt · 04/02/2020 20:23

No I wouldn't leave my child in the car at a petrol station not worth the risk.

Molly2017 · 04/02/2020 20:23

”It's having that choice taken away because of what one other parent thinks I should do”

Obviously the police think you a wrong too otherwise they wouldn’t be making the social services referral and telling you to stop.
My 2 year old can competently get his arms out of the 5 point harness, it’s only a matter of time before he works out how to stand up (releasing his legs). He doesn’t do it when we are driving but he absolutely would if left in the car. I wouldn’t be able to lock him in either because any movement sets the alarm off.
The solution is to take the younger one with you.

pastabest · 04/02/2020 20:25

In my rural area where it's often very wet and windy pretty much everyone does this in winter and no one bats an eyelid because it would be ridiculous to drag children out of the car across a busy car park/ road etc because dodging cars whilst getting wet and cold is apparently far safer than sitting strapped in in a nice warm car .

On wet days I leave my 3 year old and 20 month old in the car while I nip to get a pay and display ticket, petrol, pint of milk from the (quiet, leave money on the counter type) newsagents etc. I don't particularly like doing it but the alternative seems ridiculously over the top. I don't see why this is any different?

Perhaps it's a difference of children, mine are usually singing to each other or dozing and never seem bothered. They are properly fitted into their car seats so no more at risk of getting out of them whilst parked than they would be on the motorway.

NoNoAndNoAgain · 04/02/2020 20:25

Count tessa - when I have the kids in the back I go a petrol station where I can pay at the pump so I don't have to leave them. Our local sainsburys has them.

Sorry op. I don't want to jump on the bandwagon but I really think this is a bad judgement call and I really hope you can see that.

I sometimes leave my 4 year old in the car IF I can park in the one of the three spaces in the school car park where I can literally stand in front of the car and do pick up. If we park further away then out he comes. Boy does he moan if we don't get one of those spots...

but also he could unstrap himself when he was three. And it was a massive shock when he did it.

puds11 · 04/02/2020 20:26

@NYCDreaming 👌🏻

YellowJellyfish · 04/02/2020 20:27

FFS this is Mumsnet!! You won't get any support here. You can't leave your kids alone until they are at least 30!!!

And death sentence for leaving your kid in a car for a couple of minutes!!

Ahitsallover · 04/02/2020 20:27

I'm sure it's very unlikely anything would happen, but when I was picking my daughter up after school one day a few years ago, a teacher was trying to make a quick getaway from where she was parked across the road and reversed hard into my car. The whole back of the car on the side my, then, 2yo son sat was completely squashed. So much so I couldn't drive home in it and we had to buy a new car seat. Thank goodness I used to take him out to pick my daughter up or I dread to think what injuries he would have sustained. It's not v likely, yes, but it can happen. And I was close enough by to see it happen too, seeing things doesn't always equate to being able to stop the accident.

SpokeTooSoon · 04/02/2020 20:30

Worth bearing in mind that people are generally more motivated to post on these sort of threads if they don’t approve of what the OP does. People like to disapprove.

The people who do do this, they don’t bother posting because they don’t want to be judged.

LynetteScavo · 04/02/2020 20:30

When I was that age, I used the hot cigarette lighter to melt pretty patterns into the steering wheel and dashboard. I didn't get left again.

When I was 10yo I used the cigarette lighter to make a pretty pattern on the end of my finger. I was very bored waiting it the car and it fucking hurt

As a patent of 3 DC, I hoisted a 3yo and a 1yo every day as I also dragged my school reluctant 70yo into school.

Just take your 3yo with you OP, before they figure out the harness release set off the car alarm.

blondemerida · 04/02/2020 20:31

Wow OP. I'm pretty amazed by these responses. I don't think you've done anything wrong. I have on occasion left a sleeping baby and two year old strapped into there seats when parked outside their school. I am no more than ten meters away but there is about 30 seconds where I can't see the car.

I haven't done it for ages as kids are a bit older so not sleeping so often and I rarely get a spot outside the school.

Neither could get out of there seats. Neither could open the door. Yes conceivably a car could hit the car but (a) they would be in no better a position if I was in the car; and (b) they could be hit more seriously if I took them out of the car.

I can't see this as anything more than a spectacular waste of police and social services time.

tootiredtospeak · 04/02/2020 20:32

Wow really suprised you think your in the right. What if she undid the belt and took the handbrake off. Its just irresponsible in my opinion.

SpokeTooSoon · 04/02/2020 20:32

Even more so since I saw with my own eyes a car randomly catch fire in a car park alighting the cars either side of it

😂

PurpleFlower1983 · 04/02/2020 20:33

Far too young, sorry!

needadvicethankyouplease · 04/02/2020 20:35

At seven you can see her across the road and into school gates, get back into the car, sit with youngest DC and drive away when all other parents have left so you know she's in school.

Twinkletoes888 · 04/02/2020 20:36

When the police deal with any incident with children like this a report of a come to notice is generated this is then passed to social services who decides if it’s followed up.

I personally wouldn’t leave my child in the car our school road is a nightmare.

Christmaspug · 04/02/2020 20:36

Sorry op
That’s not a good move ,you should of expected someone to report you .what if your child had been sick and chocked on the vomit .
Not a good idea

1forsorrow · 04/02/2020 20:39

Couldn't you stand by the car and watch the 7 year old walk the 8 metres and in the gate? My kids were walking to school by themselves at 7, the school is close but more than 8 metres. The school told us it wasn't on, also told us they had to stay school dinners. They were wrong and couldn't do anything to stop us.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 04/02/2020 20:40

I don't see the problem, if you can see the car.

WorraLiberty · 04/02/2020 20:41

Flabbergasted by the responses on here maybe it's an English thing, are schools really far away from the car parks or something?

1.) You have no idea who is English, Welsh, Scottish, Northern Irish or from any other country for that matter, so why would you jump straight to 'English'? Confused

2.) Shocker...not all schools have car parks.

blowmebaloney · 04/02/2020 20:44

The police officer might have commented about leaving her 10 year old because she was so aware of risks due to her job. I thought it was pretty normal to leave a child of around 8 upwards for a few mins if you can see the car, but thinking about it, the police officer might be right.

Mummymummums · 04/02/2020 20:45

Too young OP. It might be inconvenient to unstrap your 3 year old but you should take her with you. Unless you can see her at all times.

itsgettingweird · 04/02/2020 20:46

8m!

A lot of people can have that distance between their car on drive, outside house and front door. And I know children get out in cars or left whilst bags are taken in or collected etc in those circumstances.

I'd also love to have some statistics for the chance of child getting out car seat, releasing handbrake, car spontaneously combusting or being hit whilst parked vs people being hit whilst getting out of car in road or even driving!

If the OP has risk assessed this as safer then it's no one else's business if the parent isn't actually leaving the child unattended or out of view.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 04/02/2020 20:47

I park on the same side of the road as the school, walk approx 8 metres along the pavement with DD1, see her walk through the gates and walk back to the car. The car can be in sight the whole time but only with me turning my head back every few seconds.

Yup I honestly don't see the problem. What's the difference with this to leaving your 3 year old in the sitting room while you are in the kitchen, or putting them in their bed while you are asleep in your own room. They could wake up, go down the stairs and stab themselves. They could get up and drown themselves in the toilet. They could wake up climb over the stair gate and fall down the stairs and break their neck. They could wake up and spontaneously combust 🤷‍♀️ all possibilities.

lengthenmylutealphase · 04/02/2020 20:47

My son is the same age and I wouldn't leave him in the car unless he was in sight at all times.

It's probably a bit overkill the police turning up though.

Sickofpineneedles · 04/02/2020 20:47

It sounds like the car is out of sight for a moment in which case I wouldn't do it.

If it's that important to you if the set up of the school allows it can you get there early to park right outside?
When my kids were in a very small village school I would park outside the gates and keep and eye out for let out time. But it was so close you either park on the same side of the road as the school or just opposite the gates and I could see the kids as they came out step across (the very quiet country lane) wave to the teacher who let them come out to the gate then cross the road with them. For me that is no worse than leaving them whilst you pay for petrol and meant I could leave the baby asleep.

However I was practically within touching distance of the car which it doesn't sound is the same as your circumstances.

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