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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Had the police round this morning

539 replies

Notinthemood04 · 04/02/2020 17:49

They'd had "several" reports about me leaving my younger daughter in the car on the school road while I drop my older one at school. This eventually became 2 reports and I know who they are from, although I don't know this person's name.
Even though I haven't done anything wrong in the eyes of the law, the policewoman said she would never even have left a 10 year old alone in a car ever, and would have to refer me to social services.
I have had to agree I will not leave her alone in the car again for the 2 minutes it takes, even though I feel it it safer to leave her strapped into her car seat rather than take her out of the car and into the road. The car is no more likely to get hit in those 2 mins than in the 5 mins we all spend in the car waiting for the school gates to open.
I feel utterly shit and deflated, and like I now I have to do something that feels more of a risk to me than my current not ideal choice.
I don't know if social services will visit me or not. It doesn't really matter.
AIBU as a parent to think that I am capable of making my own choice as to how to best keep both of my children safe? DD2 is 3.7 in case that matters.

OP posts:
Mummyscrewedup · 04/02/2020 20:04

At 3? Way too young

NigellaAwesome · 04/02/2020 20:05

OP, I would (and did) leave my DC in the car in these types of circumstances.

I think it depends a lot on the surrounding environment - can you see the car? Is it more of a risk getting them out on a busy road? How long are you actually away for - is it really 2 minutes, or more like 10? Can you deadlock the door so they can't get out?

Also dependent on the child - are they placid? Unlikely to get out of their child straps? Happy to be left?

Ultimately, it is for you, as the parent, to make the decision based on a realistic and objective assessment of risk.

Wildorchidz · 04/02/2020 20:06

! I haven't had a handbrake in 10 years!

My car has a handbrake

Halloweenbabyy · 04/02/2020 20:06

3 yr old is shocking!

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 04/02/2020 20:07

This thread reminds me of my SIL who throw a massive tantrum because her parents had offered to help with some of the expenses of the wedding and she was not going to get the same amount because she didn’t even have a boyfriend, let alone getting married.

So they handed the same amount to her. 5 years later she got married in the most perfectionist and expensive wedding possible.

Im sure it costed at least 5 times what ours did. I’m sure her parents helped, and until I read this thread... I had not even realise we didn’t get the equivalent!.

Sorry op, I think you are being a bit unfair.

Brainfogmcfogface · 04/02/2020 20:08

If you really are that close and don’t want to get the 3yo out you really need to work in the 7yos confidence and get her to walk that short distance on her own, if you can see your car the whole walk then your 7yo can see you the whole time I assume, get out of the car stand next to it and encourage her to walk in herself.. or just get the 3yo out. I agree a child that young shouldn’t be left. When my DD first started school one of the mums used to leave their younger child in the car, until one day we were standing waiting and her alarm went off, the child had managed to unbuckle himself (she said he couldn’t) thankfully no harm done, she was able to run over and get him, but he’s been at her side every day ever since.

Crossfitwidow · 04/02/2020 20:08

My son is almost 4 and I personally wouldn’t leave him in the car alone. Even more so since I saw with my own eyes a car randomly catch fire in a car park alighting the cars either side of it.

sarralim · 04/02/2020 20:09

I think this thread is literally insane. There is no common sense, anywhere. Don't listen to all the pearl clutchers on here, OP. You sound absolutely sane and reasonable - I would have done exactly the same as you, have done in the past and am still doing it (although my kids are older now). I would have a good mind confronting the person who's reported you (if you know who it is). It is not a police matter, and definitely not one for social services - and the police should have recognised this. The social services struggle to turn up when kids are actually being abused - what sort of waste of resources is this? To think that people would report something like this, but turn a blind eye when a child is covered in bruises, is pretty shocking. And the latter happens all the time. There is no sense of risk and proportion anywhere anymore it seems, and definitely not on here. (People telling you that you deserve to be reported? Oh, how people like to have a dig where they can! Perhaps they grew up in Stalinist Russia where everyone turned on each other). In my opinion, you're doing nothing wrong and I would continue doing it - as you said yourself, you're not breaking the law.

20CMB20 · 04/02/2020 20:09

BTW, a friend of mine left her toddler in her car outside their house while she nipped inside to get her phone. She also left her car keys in the car in a moment of sleep-deprivedness. Toddler pressed the 'lock' button on the car, and was duly trapped inside. The police happened to be trundling past, and stopped to fine her for parking on the pavement. They helped when she explained.

Admittedly, the toddler was a toddler, rather than a young child of 3 yrs 7 months. But that doesn't change the fact that they are too young to be left.

Sunshine1239 · 04/02/2020 20:10

It’s either very close that your 7yo can walk/close enough for 3 yo to stay in car or it’s too far that they both need supervision

It really can’t be both

vdbfamily · 04/02/2020 20:10

I am totally with you OP but you will never convince MN that all manner of things will happen in that 2 minutes despite all evidence pointing to the fact that a child, safely strapped into a car seat that they cannot get out of is actually pretty safe. I suspect SS will be more concerned about the kids who are being beaten black and blue, starved, sexually abused etc etc.

SlippersAndThePaper · 04/02/2020 20:11

Years ago I looked after a 4 year old who got out the car whilst his mum went to the shop for two minutes. He got out the road side and was hit by a car.

Tunnocks34 · 04/02/2020 20:11

I wouldn’t do it personally, but I also wouldn’t report or be particularly gobsmacked if someone else were to do it either.

Janus · 04/02/2020 20:12

I’m sorry but I have to agree, I have never left any of mine (4 of them, sometimes all 4 came with me!) in the car to ‘pop in the shop/do the school run’ etc, even if they are asleep, and I do judge people who do. I just can’t think why you’d let your younger one out of your sight, I may be over dramatic yes but couldn’t forgive myself if something happened. You make it sound like such an enormous hassle of children having to climb over eachother to get out on the pavement side, I don’t see how it is?
Listen to the police officer.

puds11 · 04/02/2020 20:12

@NYCDreaming they do something stupid, at 12 I let the hand break off my parents car climbing from seat to seat and car started rolling. Or as pervious people have said, it could be hit by another car. I just don’t see it as a hardship to take her out so why risk something for no reason.

FlaskMaster · 04/02/2020 20:13

First of all if the police officer said they wouldn't leave a 10yo in a car they're not a parent, they're being ridiculous.
On the other hand I can't work out why on earth you think your 7yo is incapable of walking a few metres between the car and the school gate by themself. You mention 8m or so? What the fuck?! Maybe, ridiculously, you could compromise and walk 4m with the 7yo?! Or you, the reporting man and the police officer could perhaps all share a bloody grip.
Social services will not give a single fuck.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 04/02/2020 20:13

It’s highly unlikely anything will happen to your dd - but I personally wouldn’t take the risk. I’d worry about another car crashing into it - imagine how guilty you’d feel?

I am shocked however that the police came to your house. Last year I was verbally assaulted by a man in a road rage incident. He threatened to find out where I live and kill me. The police did fuck all despite me giving them his reg. It does seem a bit extreme if you’re telling the truth about it being such a short distance.
Children are so precious though - I would get her out despite it being inconvenient.
What will you do when you see the man who reported you?

CountTessa · 04/02/2020 20:15

Seriously folks, what do you do at the garage when paying for petrol. Do you really unplug the kids, drag them into the kiosk and then plug them all back in or do just leave them for the couple of minutes while you wait in line.

Joker123 · 04/02/2020 20:15

I would have also reported you to the school to stop you from doing i

20CMB20 · 04/02/2020 20:18

Short answer, @CountTessa, yes of course I did.
I don't now, though, as they are teenagers. Though they come with me in the hope that I will add Pringles to the petrol bill.

PixieDustt · 04/02/2020 20:19

Yes YABU it's dangerous to leave a child in a car and irresponsible.

NYCDreaming · 04/02/2020 20:19

@puds11 if your 11 year old, without SEN, can't be trusted to not mess with the handbrake then I think you have a problem! Plenty of 11 year olds make their own way to school, surely saying "don't mess with the handbrake" should be enough?

In a few short years she will be nearing adulthood, and how is she supposed to learn to make her own decisions if she's still under the continuous supervision of her parents?

Sirzy · 04/02/2020 20:20

If I have to go for petrol with Ds with me I purposely go to a station with pay at the pump.

Original poster
Notinthemood04 · 04/02/2020 20:20

I don't think my 7 year old is incapable of walking that distance...she's generally quite nervous and would probably just get used to it by the time DD2 is going to school too so she wouldn't have to walk alone.

Short of adding a google maps image of the school road I can't say any more about the distance than I already have. It is what it is.

There have been some very good suggestions on here that hadn't occurred to me, and like I said in an earlier post I will be using them going forward.

OP posts:
Oakmaiden · 04/02/2020 20:22

I am far more chilled (negligent?) about this sort of thing than most MNers. But I probably wouldn't leave a child the age you describe...

I would consider that the risk of leaving a baby strapped in the car is no greater than of taking him with me, but once they get mobile I wouldn't until they were old enough that I could trust them to sit happily and not climb all over (or out of) the car. Which varies for different children - but I definitely wouldn't trust a 3 year old to behave unsupervised!