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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Had the police round this morning

539 replies

Notinthemood04 · 04/02/2020 17:49

They'd had "several" reports about me leaving my younger daughter in the car on the school road while I drop my older one at school. This eventually became 2 reports and I know who they are from, although I don't know this person's name.
Even though I haven't done anything wrong in the eyes of the law, the policewoman said she would never even have left a 10 year old alone in a car ever, and would have to refer me to social services.
I have had to agree I will not leave her alone in the car again for the 2 minutes it takes, even though I feel it it safer to leave her strapped into her car seat rather than take her out of the car and into the road. The car is no more likely to get hit in those 2 mins than in the 5 mins we all spend in the car waiting for the school gates to open.
I feel utterly shit and deflated, and like I now I have to do something that feels more of a risk to me than my current not ideal choice.
I don't know if social services will visit me or not. It doesn't really matter.
AIBU as a parent to think that I am capable of making my own choice as to how to best keep both of my children safe? DD2 is 3.7 in case that matters.

OP posts:
Mayvis · 04/02/2020 19:38

Who manages to park within 8 metres of a school gate? Are there no yellow zig zags?

Do you mean 80 metres? 8 metres is about 10 steps. Confused

SmellMySmellbow · 04/02/2020 19:39

I won't open her door out into the road in a morning. I'll have to undo her seatbelt inside the car and get her to climb across. And do the same in reverse getting back into the car.
My kid does this all the time. No big deal. Or put the seat on the other side and your older childs seat in the front (airbag off) Then they're both by the pavement and can both get out easily. Or if it's truly only 8m and no road crossing then you can watch your eldest walk the 10 secs it will take her to get to the gate from inside the car. You're making convoluted excuses as to why it's more dangerous for your youngest to get out of the car and stay with you, and I'm doubting it really is 8m and 2 mins (as it doesn't take 2 mins to walk 8m for starters)
Just get her out and then you can spend more time with your eldest. See her all the way to the classroom, chat to other parents or the teachers etc. She can't open her harness now, but at this age it will be any day and you won't know until she's gone and done it.

Sirzy · 04/02/2020 19:40

8m is less than the length of two cars!

londonrach · 04/02/2020 19:41

Totally unsafe and no parent would do that so vv glad they investigating. Not worth it.

Esptea · 04/02/2020 19:42

I'd say it's far too young to leave them in the car. Is the car locked? I wouldn't leave any child or adult locked in a car, in case it caught fire (these things can happen in seconds). If it's not locked there's a real risk she could get out or worse still be taken. Not really sure what planet you are on to think this is acceptable.

Gazelda · 04/02/2020 19:42

OP, you have choices which are safer and practical. Surely you can see from the responses on this thread that many people disagree with your risk assessment?

And I wonder if the police were warning you in case this isn't the only circumstance in which you leave the toddler alone in the car? Just 3 mins while I pop in the shop. Just 4 mins while I collect the dry cleaning. Just 5 mins while I queue at the post office ...

littlejalapeno · 04/02/2020 19:42

**You claim it is just 8 metres from your car to the school gate... dies the school not have yellow zig zags outside? The yellow zigs outside my school AND the school my children went to stretch the width of the school gates PLUS two semi detached houses either side..it’s not possible to park as close as eight metres without parking ILLEGALLY on the zig zags.....

Calm down Mrs marple 😂

itsamood · 04/02/2020 19:42

@WorraLiberty

Of course they’re bound by rules and policies because it would be absolutely unthinkable these days for people to make a decision based on the evidence on front of them.

LittlePaintBox · 04/02/2020 19:43

I think there's a big chance that a child of 3 will mess about with the controls, or even let themselves out of the car, if left in it on their own. They notice far more than you think they do!

Streamside · 04/02/2020 19:45

I think you misjudged and just need to accept it.It's your child, you want the best for them but everyone makes mistakes. Take their advice and move on.

glitterelf · 04/02/2020 19:51

You could quite simply lean across and unclip/ un strap the child that is sitting on the roadside and they can get out on the path side. You could also ask another parent to walk your child into school or ask another parent to watch the 3yr old whilst you run the other one in. There is no excuse for leaving a child in the car on the school run. I've reported a persistent parent who does this but in that case it was much worse as the engine is running and it's a baby and a 5yr old with extra needs who was leaping around over the handbrake. I think you are being naive to think your child couldn't escape a 5 point harness.

namechange1041 · 04/02/2020 19:51

I haven't read all of your replies, but it'd make more sense for your 10YO to walk from the car to school on their own, rather than leaving a 3YO alone in the car.

flossletsfloss · 04/02/2020 19:52

I would have reported you.

Lordfrontpaw · 04/02/2020 19:52

At that age kids can wiggle out of seatbelts and go for the door.

Episcomama · 04/02/2020 19:52

You honestly felt comfortable knowing that could well have happened?

Yes. It's a parking area for 4 cars, not a thoroughfare. Compared with the risks from the icy pavement, it was the less risky option.

SimonJT · 04/02/2020 19:52

My son will be five in June, I would never leave him in the car on his own.

If you don’t want to move the car seats you can easily get your three year old to climb over the seats.

fuzzyduck1 · 04/02/2020 19:57

Why are you walking a 10 year old 2 minutes into school? Can’t you just watch her go into the gate from your car?

jakeyboy1 · 04/02/2020 19:58

If it isn't a police matter then I am unsure why she felt the need to refer etc.
I am presuming you are dropping off at a breakfast club if you can park that near am I right? If it were at normal school drop off then I would say you were being unreasonable because it will take you more than 2 minutes and you won't be that close to the school.
I have done so for breakfast club with my youngest and I agree with you. She wasn't in any danger, in a seat she couldn't get out of, child locks on the door and my car doesn't have a handbrake so no danger of that. Plus if anyone did choose to make off with her I can stop the car from my phone so they wouldn't get very far!
This type of thing is a waste of SS time when there are children in real danger.

scared2020 · 04/02/2020 20:02

A friends two years old twins locked her car from the inside with the keys in and she couldn't get them out fir over an hour by which time they got out of their seats.

A local mother left her three year old in her car seat on a slip road next to her office. The slipway was icy and it slipped into the river when she called in fir two minutes to get cash as her bank card snapped. When she came out she thought the child was abducted prompting a massive search but later was found submerged in the river.

Too many variables. It's ok until it's not ok abd then there is a very serious problem.

Wineislifex · 04/02/2020 20:02

Stop being lazy and get your kid out of the car! You deserved to be reported, hopefully the police visit has shocked you into changing your behaviour

Snowpatrolling · 04/02/2020 20:02

I once left my nearly 5 year old in the car to run into the house as I forgot my purse, little monkey installed herself (toward facing seat with harness) and let the hand break off. Smacked straight into the parked car in front of me.
So no I would never leave my young ones in the car again!

Emmelina · 04/02/2020 20:02

Sorry, but the way parents drive both around my children’s school and the school I work at, I couldn’t be sure she would be safe even if I locked her in. There are daily near-misses and have been several bumps between cars and I think it’s only pure luck a child hasn’t been hit outside either school.
Even if you could see the car from the playground, you still wouldn’t be in a position to protect her from a car smashing into the side.
Consider it an error of judgement, take your slapped wrist from SS and make better decisions in future.

20CMB20 · 04/02/2020 20:02

Oh goodness knows. I would have been very upset if another parent had reported me for anything, OP, so I do sympathise.

However... it's a long time ago relative to you (my DC are all older teenagers), but Hell would have frozen over before I left any of them in the car on their own at 3 yrs and 7 months. It was a complete and utter PITA but, yes, I bundled them all out (imagine 6 stone, 5 foot woman toting gigantic offspring who take after their rugby-playing 6 foot 4 father) whenever we had to stop anywhere. I didn't let any of them out of my sight, in fact, until they went to school.

I admit that this might skew my perspective.

jakeyboy1 · 04/02/2020 20:03

Just read your update that you are 8m from the car. YANBU.

And what is with all the handbrake talk?! I haven't had a handbrake in 10 years!

Snowpatrolling · 04/02/2020 20:03

Unbelted*