To think that this is not the act of a decent person?

[greysunrise]

Name change for obvious reasons.

I was looking at pictures of my kids on DH's phone yesterday when I came across a photo of an overweight woman wearing leggings. He'd clearly taken the picture secretly as she was minding her own business walking in front of him towards the station, he must've have the picture on his way to work.
He has form for this and I know he would have sent the picture along with a nasty comment about weight to a friend whom he regularly sends/receives porn to/from and other sexist memes/jokes. I have a real problem with this but he claims it just male banter and I'm being uptight. I just feel this behaviour crosses the line and is damn right nasty!

@Butterflyflower1234 how would you react if you discovered that someone had taken an unflattering photo of you and used it that way. more to the point, how would your partner react to another man taking that photo of you for that purpose?

Would he think it’s “only banter” if someone took photos of his children? What if they become overweight as an adult, are they fair game for twats to take the piss out of?

This, without doubt, speaks of his character. He is showing you and the world who he is.

You are either ok with this or you aren’t @greysunrise.

Lots of posters will tell you this is normal within their social circle/the men they know -because people tend to congregate in groups of similar standards of behaviour. But they will wrongly assume from their limited experience that it is common among all men, like @Butterflyflower1234

Personally I would have nothing to do with a man who did this, unless he had some sort of serious epiphany as we were discussing it. My DH would be equally appalled -we share devices, email etc, so pretty sure I’m not kidding myself there. I do know men who would think this funny but none of them are in the group I call friends.

What an utter, utter arsehole.

That sort of behaviour made school hellish for me. It's been such a relief to grow up and not encounter it much anymore. I didn't think adults behaved that way. No, I couldn't bear to be with somebody who thought that was okay.

Just imagine how the poor woman would feel if she knew. Or even if she had an inkling, suspected that he might have taken her photo and that that might be the reason. That's almost worse than actual bullying: living with the constant fear that people might be laughing at you, because you turn around and see someone smirking. And then you don't trust anybody.

The situation reminds of this other example of shitty human behaviour:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-40038332

You might want to make him aware that one of the strongest indicators of intelligence is the ability to behave with kindness toward fellow human beings despite our differences. He’s made himself look like a prize dunce here.

He sounds like a lovely person 😐

Saying that when I was with exh we used to take photos of “look a likes” and send them to each other for a laugh, once I stumbled across a man who looked like Noel Edmonds, it became a bit of a joke thing to do but there was no fat shaming (or any kind of shamming).

He sounds like a nasty piece of work.Not sure it's worth trying to get him to see why his behaviour is so crap.

@Butterflyflower1234

You're right. I don't have a DP. I have a husband of 45 + years.

Wouldn't occur to him to behave like that (or even notice who's walking in front of him!)
My son is the same and my daughters have married decent men too.

You have very low standards.

Dead right, OP, this is not the action of a decent person. Nor is the porn, nor the sexist "banter". You deserve better. What a sickening example for your children.

@DartmoorChef

Unfortunately yes, I know he took it, it was taken near to where we live which happens to be on my DH's route to work.

YANBU I would be utterly disgusted if anyone I know thought that was acceptable behaviour.
I’m no angel, I’ve made mistakes and, no doubt, been offensive and insulting at times. But the premeditated action of taking a photo is in a different league.

"Banter" is basically code for unfunny and sexist behaviour, the last gasp of the pathetic bloke who knows he's lame, shit and dying on his arse and won't long be able to get away with this sort of behaviour. Women who defend it have no self-respect. Let's call a spade a spade.

More pertinent is why on earth you are sharing a life, and presumably having sex with, a man who thinks fat shaming complete strangers is funny. What a total loser.

this is not the action of a decent person.
This. Imagine he wouldn't be best pleased if someone did this with a photo of his child. Horrible pig.

What a shit. How can you be with this man OP? At one end of the scale, there are gentlemen at the other end, there’s toe-rags. He’s a toe rag.

he claims it just male banter and I'm being uptight.

It's not. I've never known any bloke take a photo to mock a stranger and they'd get told where to go if they sent me that.

Some responses are slightly hyperbolic. Talk to him about how cruel it is. Empathy can be learned.

Its not banter between mates, it is foul behaviour. These days the word banter usually means verbal abuse. Ridiculing someone in this way shows a really nasty streak. if this is his idea of humour I would have real problem with him

No, that's not the action of a decent, kind person. I would find someone who does this deeply unattractive. It's bullying and misogynistic

Another upvote for being uptight.

It's cruel.

Must be hard to be married to this cruel man, because this probably isn't the only way he shows his cruelty.

What an absolute arsehole of a man he is, sounds utterly foul and mean. Hope karma catches up with him

Well sounds like OP should get a divorce from everyone's comments. Another broken family all because people think perfection exists.

I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry at the idea that not being deliberately cruel to random strangers = perfection.

If I were the OP I'd be having a good long think about whether this behaviour is aberrant for her DH or whether it's part and parcel of him being at base unpleasant. If they have kids together I'd put up more of a fight to help him see why this is wrong. Without kids, I'd be seriously wondering if he's worth it.

A shocking taste of his own medicine is called for.

Silly old op, expecting perfection... Seriously, Butterfly, you sound very, very damaged.

Unbelievable ! Why ? IMO similar warped mentality to that of 'Up skirting'.