To ask for your “computer says no” moments?

[Retpark101]

Light hearted, I’m talking about times when in a shop/supermarket/transport/anything else really, you’ve been “not allowed” or told “can’t do that sorry” when it’s something really tedious or silly. My title (for those who don’t know) refers to Little Britain’s character of a woman behind a computer who just say no to every request made of her.

Anyway I’ll share mine from this morning that gave me the idea.

In Waitrose cafe as they’ve refurbished it and it looks lovely. I’m with DD who is 2. We are looking at the kids snacks and sandwiches but DD isn’t hungry and there’s only ham or egg mayo sandwiches for kids so she isn’t interested. However she would like a banana and an innocent smoothie pouch so I pick both up and go to the counter to pay.

The woman says “sorry but the smoothie isn’t included in the kids meal deal” I say it’s fine I’ll buy it separately. She says “you also can’t have to banana on its own, you have to buy a sandwich and a kids drink as well” (which is just 2 flavours of fruit shoot)

I say I don’t mind paying extra if I can just have the banana, DD doesn’t want a sandwich or a fruit shoot. Can I not just have the banana separately? “No sorry you HAVE to buy it with the kids meal deal”

So I just got my coffee and DDs smoothie and went to get a pack of bananas from Waitrose itself then DD ate one in the cafe.

Total first world problem I know but FFS just let me buy a pissing banana on its own from the cafe without the sandwich and fruit shoot?

Tell me your stories

Oh that's just reminded me.....

When the new money laundering regulations came in, it became mandatory for IFAs to provide ID for donors and beneficiaries of trust arrangements. Fair enough. No problem in theory.

Except one of my donors was dead and had been for 20 years ( not uncommon at all). The insurance company insisted on me getting passport and driving licence and obtaining proof of address. Death certificate (which they had) was not enough to keep the computer happy apparently.

This went on for weeks. I pointed out that the deceased had no driving licence an no current passport - as he was dead and had been for 2 decades. Could I then do a home visit please and confirm ID that way.

By now I was beyond exasperated with them. I suggested that yes I was happy to visit the plot in the churchyard but even if I dug him up I was sure he wouldn't look like any of his existing photos. Finally the sheer absurdity of their request finally sank in to the CS rep and miraculously they agreed to drop the requirements in this case but to be aware that this wasn't their normal procedure!

I'm just glad it was me that got the hassle and not the next of kin. I never did tell them.

Years ago pre phones my sister asked the dopey ticket inspector on a train if he knew the time. His response “yep”.

Silence. “Would you mind telling us” ?!?! What a div!

My favourite was my GP surgery.

I rang to book my newborn twins in for their 6week check and 8w jabs.

Receptionist: That's fine, just bring in their hospital discharge paperwork.

Me: They're in NICU.

R: So when they're discharged, come in then.

Me: But we don't know when they will be discharged, it might be weeks, and if it's say 4-5 weeks from now, then you won't at that point have two triple appointments left that they'll need for their 6 week check.

That bit took two receptionists and the practice manager to sort. It was totally baffling -- surely babies being in hospital for a few weeks after birth isn't that rare?

Anyhow, this was the best bit:

Me: Okay, thanks so much for that and sorry we're a bit of a nightmare! Can you just tell me when those appts are?

R: No. We can only disclose appt details to the patient.

Me: Er. But the patients are like 2 days old.

R: Yes, that's our policy.

Me: Right. So given they are probably not going to be attending the appts under their own steam, how am I supposed to find out when the appt is?

R: We'll write to the patients.

Me: Okaaaaay...... so, the letters will come addressed to my children at our home. So I'll just be opening them, of course.... so why can't you just tell me now over the phone?

R: I can't disclose patient details but if you go opening other people's post, I can't help it.

Me: Thanks! You've been very helpful not so much

Oh god, these are all Kafka-esque in their mind-boggling bureaucracy..

DDad had power of attorney for my Gran, who sadly had advanced dementia & was about to go into a home.

NPower were utterly ridiculous. It was as if they'd never come across this sort of situation before.

Dad queried an outrageous bill, & was told that they could only speak to the account holder.

Dementia wasn't a reasonable excuse for not doing this apparently. They HAD to speak to her.

So Dad put her on the phone....

Dad - 'So here she is...'

Gran - Mutters, chews fingers, mumbles incoherently...'

Dad - 'Me again. Is that ok now?'

NPower- 'Yes that's fine now.'

Dad - 'You realise that could've been anyone? Even me, pretending to be the customer?'

NPower - 'Well, was that you?'

Dad - 'No.'

NPower - 'Ok. That's fine then.'

Bonkers.

My father died recently. We telephoned Vodaphone to ask them to close my father's account and cancel any further payments. "That's ok. We just need to speak to the account holder please?"
When we awkwardly ( and very upsettingly) explained for the second time in the conversation that my dad has just died, so couldn't come to the phone, they said they couldn't help us further.

That is absolutely shocking. My mum is going through something similar with her dad and virgin media - he's almost 90, he has dementia and is recovering from bowl cancer. He's in hospital, round the clock care, and has pretty much given up on life (it's heartbreaking) he does NOT use/want/need his sky sports and internet package! and VM insist on speaking with him and going through security questions to cancel it. He doesn't even know what it is, he barely even recognises his own wife and daughters. I get how they have to be so careful with security etc etc but it's so disgusting how insensitive they are as is so raw and difficult for so many people. It's made me want to cancel my subscription with them asap.

My DM went into her local branch of Clarks and was browsing looking for some shoes. Failing to find what she wanted, she approached an assistant who was busy arranging stock etc and said "Excuse me, I'm looking for some low-heeled shoes in brown." The assistant looked at her like this , said "We don't sell brown shoes." and turned back to what she was doing. Not "Sorry madam, we don't have any at the moment" but literally said the shop doesn't sell brown shoes! Ok then...

I had a 40p voucher off cheese, any cheese, at Tesco. I put a slab of Gruyere in my basket , went to the till. Woman on the checkout refused the voucher, spoke to me as if I was the one who was a bit dim “This voucher is for cheese, look, it says cheese. Not Gruyere, cheese.” I asked her what it was if it wasn’t cheese, and she triumphantly said “It’s Gruyere of course!” I asked to speak to the manager, who scanned the cheese and voucher, and I paid. The woman followed him to the back of the shop, still telling him it wasn’t cheese, it was Gruyere..,

Glad it's not just me that this happens to!

Specsavers mixed up my details on their computer system some years ago and had my DOB wrong which made me about 95 years old! Shop assistant wouldn't take me in for my appointment because I couldn't confirm my (incorrect) DOB. No sense of humour either, even when I quoted the Specsavers advert at them as even on a bad day, my then 20 year old self didn't look 95!

Another optician last year wanted proof that my deceased father had glaucoma so I qualified for the free eye test. I explained that a) he was dead and b) I probably wouldn't be able to prove it through data protection etc. She said "well I'll let it go this time but we will need proof next time." Well he won't be any less dead next year!

That is absolutely shocking. My mum is going through something similar with her dad and virgin media - he's almost 90, he has dementia and is recovering from bowl cancer.

Virgin Media were horrendous when my friend was widowed. After speaking to five different people he said "For Christ sake she's dead. She can't come to the phone for a minute. If I could speak to her for a minute it wouldn't be about your bloody TIVO box". He was transferred to a supervisor for being "rude and aggressive". The supervisor at least had the good grace to be absolutely mortified. They tried to keep him with VM by pretty much offering 6 months free and seemed genuinely surprised when he said he wouldn't stay with them even if they paid him

I forgot about the passport office!

My new passport came. Looked at it and thought "something isn't right", but couldn't put my finger on it right away. Realised a couple of hours later that my DOB was wrong. The year had been put in wrongly - think 06 instead of 76

Phone them up and tell them and they say "That DOB would make it a child's passport so it would only be valid for 5 years instead of 10. Plus you've already had an adult passport so the system wouldn't allow a child's passport to be issued"

Tell them it definitely says 06. Get told to come in the next day, but warned I should "Very carefully check" the passport as I'll be in for a long wait and it simply cannot say what I'm saying it does

Dutifully traipse into the passport office the next day. Have to explain to the security man why I'm there and get jokingly told I can't come in because if I'm only 15 I should be at school. Eventually get up to the desk and explain what has happened and get told that can't happen. Show them the passport and a very shocked passport office lady tells me to take a seat

I sit there for THREE HOURS as various people come and go from the lady's desk, all seemingly getting more important/high ranking as the time passes. Two of these people come over to apologise for the delay and say that "the system can't do that so..." and sort of leave it hanging as if I should be able to fix it

Eventually a woman with a huge sense of self importance calls me over and I end up in a room being grilled about my passport. Questions were fired at me in a really aggresive tone "Where did you apply for this passport?"
"At the post office using check and send..."
"Why have you applied for the passport?"
"Erm, becuase I'm going on holiday..."

Eventually they seemed to realise that I just wanted a passport to go on holiday and went off to do more investigations. Came back another hour later with a totally different tone. Super apologetic. Offered tea and biscuits. Wanted me to sign an agreement not to go to the press. Went on about national security and police investigations

Eventually I had to go on holiday with a weird sort-of emergency passport that was only valid for a tiny amount of time as they were still investigating and dealing with it. After I got back I was given a reference number so that I could call and find out what was going on

Every single time I called for an update I failed the security check because apparently I got my DOB wrong

When my mum developed dementia and went into a care home, I had to terminate her telephone contract (TalkTalk). Nobody would even tell me who I needed to speak to or where to write to, unless they spoke to the bill payer first and asked some security questions. Yeah, good luck with that, she can't remember what day it is, never mind whatever "memorable information" she might have chosen years ago. Took a stroppy letter to the complaints depot threatening the ombudsman to get anywhere.

The guy in Subway, who, on overhearing DH and I discussing what we were having on our 12" Sub, refused to cut it in half because if we wanted to share we needed to order 2 x 6" Subs.

EDF Energy, however, could not have been more helpful or sympathetic.

This is trivial compared to some, but ASOS frequently have flash sales. I ordered just over £400 worth of clothes just before Christmas. About 15 minutes after I ordered, they had a 20% off everything sale. I went on their live chat to ask if they could give me the discount. Of course the computer said no. I ended up ordering the whole lot again, saving £80 and sending them back creased clothes that I had tried on.

Staying in a posh hotel, DH had very bad D&V.
Not from the hotel, but the most expensive restaurant in Marrakesh.

In the evening - after a doctor attending to him - he wanted a cheese sandwich.

The hotel had bread & cheese on the breakfast buffet, but refused to make him a sarnie because the computer said no.

Fairyliz I had the same with Scottish Power. My address didn't exist, my meter serial number wasn't recognised, Scottish Power don't supply that area .... I had free electricity for over a year! Brilliant! Even UK Power couldn't find me! Result.

Getting my bloody MATB1 has been the biggest arse ache in a long time for me.

Attempt 1: Making my flu jab appointment because I am pregnant. Ask if reception can have my B1 form waiting for me to collect at the same time as I am over 20w now. She says no, you need to get it from the midwife.

Attempt 2: Go to flu jab which is being administered by a midwife and a doctor is overseeing it. Ask about the form. No, need to get it from a different midwife. Right.

Attempt 3: Ring the midwife number to speak to a midwife and ask about how I can get my form this week (need it in the next 2 weeks to give to work). She's cheeky to me and asks why I need it. I explain that I'm due in May and need the form to give work. She waffles on about how I don't actually need it and it's just work being fussy (not sure how this solves my issue but no, I do need it). Then decides I can get it, but only if I call down on Thursday morning. I explain no, I can't just call down, I'm in work. Then says she can't give me it under any circumstances outside that time. And then immediately backtracks and says she'll get the other midwife to contact me about another time to get it. Right. I go off the phone pissed off and annoyed.

Attempt 4: Other nice, sensible midwife rings me back. Says it's no problem, she'll have it waiting for me to pick up on Thursday afternoon whenever I'm free and at our later appointment in the month, she'll fill in my notes to say I've been given it.

They messed me around, albeit less, the first time round I had a baby, too. I don't understand why they purposely make it so difficult to get a bloody MATB1 form. My appointments have never been in the window where I need it for work and every single time I've tried to arrange getting it, it's been a 'nope not my problem' situation.

@MitziK they’ve brought some new legislation in limiting the amount of time that they can claim back unpaid utility bills - maybe a couple of years or so?

But it would be worth checking out and keeping regular meter readings, even if just every quarter, then if they do decide to notice you’re using electricity, you'll know how much they can charge you rather than them trying to take the full rate or an inflated rate for the limited time they can charge...

Went to park in work underground car park, one where spaces needed to be booked in advance. I hadn't booked a space. Attendant asked my name and then said that without a booked space I couldn't park there, I needed to call and book a space. I asked if I could use a phone in his office. I call the number, they ask my name and put me on hold. The phone next to me rings and attendant answers it. I overhear his side of the conversation. "what's the name?? How do you spell that?", woman takes me off hold "how do you spell your surname?", I tell her and she puts me back on hold. "I'll just check" says the man. "yes that's fine." and he writes in his wee book.
Woman comes back into the phone with me - "that's it booked". I hang up. There's silence..... "uhm, I've got a space booked?"I say.

The man then has the cheek to ask me my name and check his wee book." that's fine" he says and points me towards a row of empty spaces....

Bizarre

When I filled out my crb form years ago, I had to list the names I have used, it was apparently vital to provide all of the full names you have used.

So I gave my current name:
Mrs Just Ajot PreviousSurname MarriedSurname

And my previous name:
Miss Just Ajot PreviousSurname

But apparently computer said no, not possible. I had a long debate about whether the name I use and is in my passport could possibly be my name. I had to explain that they could either have an accurate list of my names (as requested) or let the computer decide what my name is.

I used to live in Brussels (hence the username). I was there over Christmas and wanted to send my family back home Christmas cards in a English as they don't speak French or Flemish. Marks and Spencer in Brussels sold English Christmas cards. Hurrah. I dutifully wrote them all and took them to the post office. This was the exchange (translated from french so you'll need to imagine the insouciant "non").

"Hello, I'd like to send these to England please"

"No"

"Er I'd like to send these to England please"

"No. It's impossible. They are square"

"Yes"

"The Belgian post office only accepts rectangular letters"

"But I bought these in Brussels"

"You can not send them. They are square"

I had lived in Brussels for long enough to know there is no point arguing with anyone working for any kind of public service, so I went at bought a large RECTANGULAR envelope, put my contraband square cards in it and sent it to my mum to put the cards in the post at home.

At the time I was working in the part of the European Commission that regulated postal services across Europe. My boss got a full on rant about how he needed to regulate the Belgian Postal service into oblivion because it was clearly against EU rules to reject square English cards into the postal system. Unfortunately he had bigger fish to fry.

@Ffsnosexallowed - that's worthy of a Comic Club sketch!

I ordered a macchiato in a Costa
"That isn't on our menu"
"It's just an espresso with foam on the top"
"No it's not on our menu"
"But you do espresso? Could you just put a tiny bit of foam on -"
"No I don't have a till button for it"
"It's an espresso with foam, you could charge me for an espresso?"
"Then you won't have paid for the foam"
"But foam costs practically nothing"
"No I need to charge you for your full drink"
"You can charge me for something more expensive then, a cappuccino, then I've paid for more than my actual drink costs?"
"If you pay for a cappuccino I'm going to make you a cappuccino"

I once rented out my house for a year while I was working in another part of the country.

When I moved back, I was sorting out my council tax and have to give my addresses for the past ten years - fine. The site then refused to process my council tax as the address I wanted to be taxed was not allowed to match any previous address is lived it.

I've got one that still makes me cross when I think of it. This thread might make me have another go at sorting.

I hold premium bonds for me and my 3 young children (all under 10). I have the app and can see when we win (all 4 of us on 1 app). I also am set up online so can see our details there.

But every time the children win (frequently, they have decent amounts) I get a letter plus booklet for each child about 2 weeks later saying they've won. Can't remember who letters are addressed to but I open them. The youngest can't read!

I wanted to go paperless but although that's fine for me, it's not for the children. GDPR or something?!

Tried to explain/ complain and they can't amend the system. Tried to say ok, send me the letter not booklet. Nope, can't do that either.

Madness!