To ask for your “computer says no” moments?

[Retpark101]

Light hearted, I’m talking about times when in a shop/supermarket/transport/anything else really, you’ve been “not allowed” or told “can’t do that sorry” when it’s something really tedious or silly. My title (for those who don’t know) refers to Little Britain’s character of a woman behind a computer who just say no to every request made of her.

Anyway I’ll share mine from this morning that gave me the idea.

In Waitrose cafe as they’ve refurbished it and it looks lovely. I’m with DD who is 2. We are looking at the kids snacks and sandwiches but DD isn’t hungry and there’s only ham or egg mayo sandwiches for kids so she isn’t interested. However she would like a banana and an innocent smoothie pouch so I pick both up and go to the counter to pay.

The woman says “sorry but the smoothie isn’t included in the kids meal deal” I say it’s fine I’ll buy it separately. She says “you also can’t have to banana on its own, you have to buy a sandwich and a kids drink as well” (which is just 2 flavours of fruit shoot)

I say I don’t mind paying extra if I can just have the banana, DD doesn’t want a sandwich or a fruit shoot. Can I not just have the banana separately? “No sorry you HAVE to buy it with the kids meal deal”

So I just got my coffee and DDs smoothie and went to get a pack of bananas from Waitrose itself then DD ate one in the cafe.

Total first world problem I know but FFS just let me buy a pissing banana on its own from the cafe without the sandwich and fruit shoot?

Tell me your stories

FetchezLaVache DH and I had a similar sausage sandwich debacle, at a Bill's restaurant.

They used to do bacon and sausage sandwiches, then one day they 'revamped' the menu (ie took off anything we wanted to eat while increasing all the prices by about 30%).

We discovered this next time we went in. Mourned the lack of bacon/sausage sandwiches to the staff, who agreed that yes, loads of people asked for them. We asked if in that case we could possibly have one? Apparently not, chef's orders.

So could we order a sausage? Yes. And some toast? Yes. We did so and made our sausage sandwich as staff looked on.

Bonkers.

@Ffsnosexallowed are you sure that wasn’t a scene from Frasier?

No it was definitely real. I walked away thinking "did that just happen?".

I'm trying to sort out a tax issue between 2 different agencies.

I phoned agency 1 and was on hold for 15 minutes to be told they had emailed agency 2 about it.

Phoned agency 2 and was on hold for 12 minutes. They havent recieved an email, they don't communicate with agency 1 by email and never have.

Phoned back agency 1. On hold a further 15 minutes. To be told they have sent an email already but if I really insist, they can send another.

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I once found an elderly relative having a meltdown trying to get through the automated system to her bank because it wanted her to press buttons or speak but she still had a rotary dial and the computer couldn't understand her accent. I took over and got through to someone who accepted my complaint as valid and agreed to send £50 compensation. Unfortunately as my name was against the complaint the computer had to send me the cheque not her! No amount or arguing could shift the position, even pointing out I banked somewhere completely different.

I've also been id'd in tesco for buying pint glasses. Never for actual alcohol though.

www.huffpost.com/entry/police-dog-witness-statement-uk_n_2717815

Some years ago I opened a new current account with a building society and transferred over my direct debits. After a while I started to get letters from companies chasing outstanding payments yet I had plenty of money in the account. Took a while to work out that their banking system could only cope with a limited number of DDs per account - it allowed them to be set up OK but then on a random basis any beyond that limit weren't processed each month. They kept assuring me that it had been sorted and then it happened again. I ended up receiving a fair sum in compensation payments for the inconvenience - and eventually moved to First Direct.

Remembered another one - last summer, I was pregnant and we went to the bank to do a mortgage affordability check, before looking to buy a bigger house. We knew that financially, we'd be better off if I continued working, but also wanted to check what we'd be approved to borrow if I decided to be a SAHM. For both scenarios, I was down as a mortgage applicant - the only difference was that for one, I had an income and expenditures for commuting and childcare, and for the other one I didn't. And even though my take-home pay would be significantly larger than the associated expenditure, the bank was willing to lend us more if I was a SAHM! Pointed out to the mortgage advisor that this didn't make sense and got a "computer says no" response. Practically wrote out the maths for her - blank look. I was tempted to ask her to calculate our affordability manually (I believe that under GDPR, you can request this for any automated decision), but decided it wasn't worth the hassle and just dropped it. It was fortunately resolved a few days later, after the bank identified and fixed a bug in their affordability calculator (presumably reported by a mortgage advisor who could actually do basic maths...)

I used to work in a bank and we were contractually obliged to bank with them and use them for our mortgages (don't think that would be allowed these days!). Anyway, one of the (many) rules was that staff could only have a mortgage on the house that they actually lived in, we weren't allowed buy to lets or anything like that.

When a customer took out a residential mortgage, it was part of the process that paperwork went to the mortgaged address once the money was released, because they had, by definition in completing the mortgage paperwork, given written notice of their change of address.

I moved house and found that my post was going to my old address. I asked them to change it and they said no. Because they had to have a letter from my manager, and verified by HR, confirming the change of address. Even though by lending me the money to move house, I was obliged to actually live there. And they knew that my previous house was now occupied by someone else, because I had settled the mortgage on it .

Jess I had the same experience a few years ago.
Relative 1 had died and we wanted to change the account name to that of spouse.
I explained that we could send them a copy of the death certificate, etc.
No, they wanted to speak to Mr.X
I kept saying, "But he's dead. You can't "
"Well we can't change it without speaking to him."
In the end I told them to send someone around on Friday afternoon and we'd have a seance.

Telephone companies weré appalling when my mother died, both Orange and BT. BT did do well in the end, but only after I had ended up in tears down the phone at them and was put through to a supervisor as a result.

Telecoms companies have so many customers that they must have to handle the deaths of customers every day. There really is no excuse for having such inflexible, stupid policies that add to people's distress.

These are brilliant been reading them on my way home from work. Cheered me up it has

I couldn't change the incorrect name I'd been recorded as by a utility company until I could provide evidence of having changed my name. I was Carl

Group of 5 of us went to a restaurant.

One friend not too hungry so ordered the soup starter but to come without mains

“Sorry you are not allowed a starter as a main, you have to order a main, it says it on the menu”

My friend said, well in that case I will have nothing.

So she sat there with nothing while we all ate our main meals.

Spouse of above deceased relative died recently.
I had to deal with everything (no children, etc.) The funeral directors sent the bill to relative's bank who didn't pay it.
I rang up but they were reluctant to speak to me as I wasn't the account holder. Some time on hold whilst they checked that I had previously had POA on the account.. they suggested getting another invoice from the funeral director and taking it in to the branch.
The branch is three doors down from the funeral directors, who had handed it in over the counter.
So I took a copy in, clearly marked "duplicate" and clearly showing the branch address with 'by hand' above it.
They denied ever receiving it and said if they had, they wouldn't have paid it as I had to submit it.
Why?
Nobody knows.
It's the same invoice to the same people, drawn on the account of a person they know has died - the name on the FDs invoice showed it clearly (an unusual name do no chance of confusion).
Did they check my ID? No
Did they pay the invoice? Yes
Despite my complaining they just keep saying "our policy requires you to be present" but nobody can articulate why.
Thankfully I have recently had the pleasure of closing the account.
Took them a month to do that despite having all the necessary paperwork in place for six weeks.

I was in an independent pub at lunchtime just having drinks and fancied a bowl of chips. No one behind the bar was able to serve me as a "bowl of chips" wasn't on the menu despite all of their meals being served with chips and they wouldn't know what price to sell them to me at. I did eventually find someone who accepted £2 in cash and brought me the chips but it was like pulling teeth.

I remember one, went to AGE UK cafe with my nana. I wanted a panini but I’m vegetarian and there were only 4 options, all cheese with ham/tuna/salami etc, basically No veg options. I asked if I could just have cheese (they made them all to order so they literally just had to put some grated cheese in a ciabatta and toast it)
They said they didn’t have an option for it on the till so no sorry. Funnily enough though, I was allowed a cheese sandwich

Mine was a conservatory sales company who kept calling trying to arrange a time for a salesman to call. After weeks of calls where I told them I lived in a second floor flat and to take me off the system, I gave in and said sure, send him round. The guy turned up and when I invited him in to measure up he said “but you’re on the second floor, you can’t have a conservatory” Yes, I said, now off you trot and tell your office that because I’ve been telling them that for weeks.

Back when computer billing was very new a friend of mine who did not have gas was sent a bill for £000.00p

When the poll tax came in, we were exempt as we were students. Somehow my flat mate was sent a bill for 3p. She had ignored it and binned all the letters as she reckoned it was just a mistake. Months later bailiffs turned up to seize goods in the amount. She wasn’t in and I offered to pay the 3p but they said they weren’t allowed to take payment they had to take goods. I got rid of them saying everything in the flat was mine so they couldn’t take anything. It took her over a month of lengthy calls to try to get it sorted.

AGE UK cafe

Jeez OP. Maybe give up on cafes.

Not a 'computer says no', dates from many years ago. We were working abroad for MOD, OH for the military, me for the local government and we lived in a quarter, a tiny place with a gate into the courtyard that didn't have a letterbox. As I worked locally my address was this flat and I got post there so we asked if we could have a letter box in the gate. One afternoon i heard a banging on the gate and it was the local postman with a letter. The military response was that as MOD personnel had their post delivered to their BFPO address at work we didn't need a box yet they had delivered it to the boxless flat!

Getting my bloody MATB1 has been the biggest arse ache in a long time for me.

Back when they did the health in pregnancy grant, you couldn’t get the form til you were 26 weeks. Every time I asked, they had run out or couldn’t give it to me for some random reason. I still didn’t have it when DD was born at 29 weeks. I then discovered you had to apply before the child was born (made sense I suppose) I was livid and spoke to the midwife, asked her to back date the form. She refused - policy and all that. Spoke to the practice manager who was more sympathetic and put the date I’d reached 26 weeks.

Hiring a car from Avis in Edinburgh. Mentioned we would drop it back an hour earlier than we’d indicated when booking. They said very seriously that if we were more than 30 minutes early, they’d have to charge us more “because we could have re-hired the car, so we’ve lost money”.

my grandparents still live like they did pre war/war times

they live in a old stone bungalow close to a farm,non working farm and they were not farmers just a small bungalow built there(think old welsh village in the valleys)

they are still running on coal,house was bought like it and they have never done it up.they hare happy living life like this

my nan is still using a hearth type stove to cook on

they have no internet only basic freeview that runs off a aerial and they got that with a grudge as they only did it when analog tv went out and they would have been left with nothing

big grate type fire places in 2 rooms(bed room living room) and a coal boiler that heats the water

they still have a outside toilet and bath in a old tin bath in front of the fire

they just wont move on.my mother is nearly 60.im 39 sister 31 and we have 4 kids between us between 15 and 7 so its not like they are alone and dont know the world has moved on

they are early 90s and my grandfather is still getting coal from the shed every morning and starting a fire for heat and water(old fashion tank in the attic)

they dont even have a meter as its coal delivered off the coal man weekly and a payment card they use weekly at the post office to pay for electricity

so no meters at all in the house or ever have been

hasn't stopped british gas coming every quarter for upteen years to read the meter though

my mother have put in so many complaints over the years as the meter readers just wont have it and insists on coming in to check,always go out gobsmacked with a well i cant believe people still live this way, they have been shown so many times that one has never existed but its still on their list so they still come in and check

my mother has asked them so many times where are you sending the supply to then? and whos paying the bill?

always told they are not on their system,so why has the meter person got them on their list then?

when smart meters were rolled around they were even send one off BG

they just put op with it now as its never going to get sorted

ive got another on that actually happened to me Saturday

we hme educate and eeded new suplies so went to poundland

i wanted kids paint,brushes,paper,pva glue.pen,stapler all stationalry type stiff from pound land
would have come to well over 40 pound

now i dont drink,never gone to pubs clubs,smoke, drive or gone abroad so have no id at all and in 39 years its never been needed really,ive used my birth certificate if ever needed

i went to a person as i hate self service and the girl refused to serve me without id,wouldn't take my reasons for not having id

im only buying basic school type supplies so i argued its not needed

manager was called over and she told me i need id to buy all this

my reply do i look bloody under 25?hes nearly 16 hes bloody 9(kids with me) so im obviously of age

they wouldn't budge so i left everything at the till and left fuming

10 min later oldest asked to go to gregs by him self so i gave him the bank card and went to another shop

a bit later he found me holding a bag grinning

all i wanted to buy he bought at the self service with out a hitch

it even flagged up assistant required but he said she came and put in her number and he carried on

he is 6ft 2 at 15 but come on

Lloyds Bank, i had moved to the UK with my British wife. Had registered for an account abroad using an immigration service, statements to be sent to my SIL until we got our own place. Get our own place, tell Lloyds our address, yes that's all updated sir. Didn't think anything more of it.

18 months later and I'm looking at my requirements for my permanent residency, all documentation needed including bank statements at my address etc, realise I've not received any.

Go into Lloyds branch, yes sir your address is correct in our system, yes sir we can generate your statements with the correct address and get them sent to you. A few weeks go by, no statements. Yes sir, your address is correct in our system, we will regenerate them and send them. Still nothing. I go back a few times, keep having this same discussion. I'm getting frustrated, have multiple staff, managers etc, they recognise me the second i walk in, yet no statements received in the mail.

Finally it's at the point where i have to submit my statements. When the staff generated them on the screen it showed my correct address, the manager agreed to manually print them all and stamp & sign them as legit so i don't have problems with my residency application.

Application was successful with the copies of statements. As Lloyds had wasted so much of my time i decided to close my account. Go into branch, manager sees me and says with many apologies they found the cause of my issue, there was a second address screen somewhere else in their system and this is where my statements were being sent. But good news! It's all been fixed so I'll get my statements.

Too late says i, I'm closing my account. Manager tried his best to get me to change my mind but fuck them. That was 11 years ago and I'll never bank with Lloyds again

As students we used a pub, mainly because it was at the bottom of the hill from it's village and the cop on a bike didn't come to check closing time. The landlord wouldn't serve ladies with pints, it was unladylike, but he would serve you two halves in the same round!

Another pub didn't serve ladies with handled glasses, only straight side glasses which could be tricky after a few rounds.
The good old days!