To ask for your “computer says no” moments?

[Retpark101]

Light hearted, I’m talking about times when in a shop/supermarket/transport/anything else really, you’ve been “not allowed” or told “can’t do that sorry” when it’s something really tedious or silly. My title (for those who don’t know) refers to Little Britain’s character of a woman behind a computer who just say no to every request made of her.

Anyway I’ll share mine from this morning that gave me the idea.

In Waitrose cafe as they’ve refurbished it and it looks lovely. I’m with DD who is 2. We are looking at the kids snacks and sandwiches but DD isn’t hungry and there’s only ham or egg mayo sandwiches for kids so she isn’t interested. However she would like a banana and an innocent smoothie pouch so I pick both up and go to the counter to pay.

The woman says “sorry but the smoothie isn’t included in the kids meal deal” I say it’s fine I’ll buy it separately. She says “you also can’t have to banana on its own, you have to buy a sandwich and a kids drink as well” (which is just 2 flavours of fruit shoot)

I say I don’t mind paying extra if I can just have the banana, DD doesn’t want a sandwich or a fruit shoot. Can I not just have the banana separately? “No sorry you HAVE to buy it with the kids meal deal”

So I just got my coffee and DDs smoothie and went to get a pack of bananas from Waitrose itself then DD ate one in the cafe.

Total first world problem I know but FFS just let me buy a pissing banana on its own from the cafe without the sandwich and fruit shoot?

Tell me your stories

DP and I split up. DP moved out - it was my house and I had been paying council tax. Informed Council so I could get the discount for single occupancy. Amended via email message - but they then sent me a paper direct debit form. So I had to fill in all the exact same details as I'd filled in in the first place - absolutely nothing was any different - but "the system" spits out a new paper form if anything changes and I have to fill it in. And no-one I spoke to could accept that this was wasteful, time consuming and pointless.

I've had an online form which wouldn't let me go any further because I needed to input a middle initial, even though I don't have a middle name.

My e mail app on my phone randomly stopped letting me log in. I can log in via the browser on my phone using the same user name and password but when I do it on the app using the user name and password it says it's invalid.

Tried to join a local village Facebook group, next village on from where I live, to advise of a lost dog in the woods local to them....to see if anyone knew whose it was/was missing it etc....
Had to be able to answer some ridiculously in-depth questions & answer what the name of a tree is, in the village, before I could be allowed to join.
Even when I explained what/why I was trying to join...My request was sat on for 3 days whilst they thought about it

Informed Council so I could get the discount for single occupancy.

I did the same all online using the council tax web page/form thingy, made a note for the (frankly ridiculous) 25 working days turnaround. Nothing.

Phoned them up only to be told they only make changes by phone and she did it there and then for me.

I changed jobs but had a few weeks where the pay overlapped as one paid in arrears and one 2 weeks in hand. I got a letter from HMRC telling me they were changing my tax code because I’d paid too much tax as I had 2 jobs, then a second letter the next day saying they were changing my tax code to another one because I hadn’t paid enough tax as I didn’t have any job

Worked at housing dept for council. Computer decided a tenant lived in a flat, not a house and had overpaid thousands. He keep trying to get them to accept he lived in a house. They refused to believe him as the computer said flat. And as he was only the person living there he was obviously wrong. As his housing officer i was obviously wrong too. Sent him a huge cheque. He was sensible and put it all in the bank instead of spending it. Eventually they contacted him to tell him he did indeed live in a house after all and he had to pay it back in full within 4 weeks. He said he didn't know whether to laugh or rage.

Back when computer billing was very new a friend of mine who did not have gas was sent a bill for £000.00p

He ignored it, as you would. Then he got another the same, then a final demand, and then a threat of enforcement to cut off the gas supply. So he did nothing and waited.

They sent round three people to cut off the gas supply that he didn't have, and because they had the proper paperwork he let them in. They were very upset about his not having gas, and wanted to see the bills, so he showed them. Once they had seen them, they implored him just to send the billing section a cheque for £000.00p, which he did (in an unstamped envelope), and they left him a form so that he could go through the rigmarole of reporting that the gas supply to his house had been discontinued on the date of the visit.

A few years back I worked in a cafe, we sold bacon baguettes, but not bacon sandwiches, even though we had bread.
The owner and manager refused to change it and since I was a waitress it was always me who got the exasperated customer telling me how stupid it was.
YES I KNOW.
Of course I couldn't say that though so I had to do a polite apologetic speech.
They also refused to toast the bread for the club sandwich.

When DD was in Y6 she was pulled out of class for “catch-up” English lessons, despite
Her saying she thought it was a mistake
The rest of the catchup group saying they thought it was a mistake
Her finding the catchup work ridiculously easy and finishing it in 5 minutes flat.
Her class teacher saying she didn’t know why it was happening
This went on for about a term until DD finally told me and when I queried it I was told by both her class teacher, the head of year and the catchup class teacher that yes it was very odd as DD was a very high achiever ( later got offered both a Grammar place and a Private academic scholarship) but her Y5 teacher had definitely identified her as needing extra English help so she had to have it. I asked did any of them think she DID need extra help? No, but she had been placed in the program by her Y5 teacher (who had left) so she had to do it.
Eventually The Head did agree with me and she was allowed to stop, we think there had been a mix up with names as there was a child with the same first name who DID need some extra help.
It was very frustrating- they just kept saying “ she’s on the list” . One even helpfully showed me said list, as if that meant I would agree.

Waiting in for a new mobile phone to be delivered and I received an email to say they had been unable to deliver as no one was home. In the email was a photo of a front door to prove they had tried to deliver. The problem was is wasn’t my front door. I phoned the delivery company who insisted it was my door. I explained it wasn’t even the correct colour to which they replied “could someone of painted it”! Eventually got phone a few days later

If you don't want to deal with computer errors and idiots, don't ever retire. Most of my pensions were straightforward, but with one, the saga has been 18 months and still counting. I can't go into details, unfortunately, but I've had dozens of (unstapled) 50-page documents full of insurance 'gobbledegook', unlogged requests, an incorrect NHI number, undelivered replies, incorrect emails. and even money transferred to the wrong annuity company! You name it, they've done it.

The fun I used to have completing my Dad's self-assessment form was child's play by comparison. The form is fine now, but you used to have to fit in all the pension company names, dates and payments into a tiny box; without punctuation, capital letters or symbols.

There is a restaurant near me that served "kids portions" of adult meals- 75 of the price of a full adult meal. The portions are huge so I asked for a kids sized portion but said I was happy to pay the full adult price.
They said they couldn't do that as I was clearly over 12.
I ended up sending half the plate back to be binned as I couldn't finish it.

A cashier in Boots once refused to sell me a bottle of infant cough syrup without proof of ID (I was 30 at the time). Its active ingredient was glycerol, for goodness sake!

I work in a shop and was credit checking someone. They had been declined and their English wasn't very good at all. I tried every way possible to explain to them that they had been declined.
In the end I had to physically use the words "computer says no". They understood.
My colleagues thought it was hilarious but it was so embarrassing. I've got long brown hair too!

We went to JLP a couple of weeks ago to buy a new iron. I looked at those on display and asked an assistant to get one so we could buy it. No, he said, but they'd have some available online on Monday ie. they didn't have any in stock and he couldn't order one for me. I commented that if I'd wanted to buy one online, I wouldn't have visited the store! He offered to sell me another, more expensive one. We went home and ordered a cheaper one from Argos.

BT asking to speak to a dead person before they could deal with our enquiry... The enquiry being, the account holder has died, can you switch the account to another family member and take new bank details if we provide the death / probate paperwork....

Even explaining several times was met with "I need to speak to the account holder".

This was about 18 years ago,I do hope their bereavement process has got better!!

When my DM was alive she received a winter fuel payment for several years after she went into a care home. I tried to get it stopped, every time I was told she was entitled to the payment. I still don't know how they thought she would spend it.

Getting a British passport, 10 years or so ago. Sent off all the documentation, including my birth certificate and my mother's old passport (that I had travelled under as a child). Heard nothing back for three months. Eventually I called them, they told me everything had been sent to me and I had now missed the deadline to continue with the process.

Finally, after many, many phone calls, we ascertained that they had sent everything to another address (think Chatham Rd rather than Chartham Rd)...in a different city...with a completely different postcode.

I then had to go in for an interview. "This interview is to prevent identity fraud," the man told me.

"If your office cares so much about identity fraud, why did you send my birth certificate, mother's old passport, and other confidential documents to a random, incorrect address?" I asked.

Never did get an answer...

I used to frequent an Irish pub in Munich that did a cracking Sunday brunch with an extensive menu, but no bacon sandwiches, because the chef thought they were some kind of travesty, or something. So if you wanted one, you had to ask for an order of bacon and an order of bread and assemble it yourself at the table. Which I liked to do, as it made me feel I was putting one over the system.

I tried to buy non-alcoholic beer in Tescos using the self-serve till. Despite it being NON-alcoholic it still brings up the check 25 thing. I didn't have any ID with me that day and the assistant wouldn't approve it without seeing ID.

I couldn't be arsed to faff about speaking to the manager, left the whole shop there and went to Sainsbury's

I had a small trolley with 5 items in it, and tried to go through the "Baskets only" till in the supermarket. The assistant said "You can't use this till, it's baskets only" I told her I only had 5 items and she'd just served someone whose basket was piled high. She wouldn't budge, so I picked up a basket, transferred my items, and she served me....

I had this once as well, except she cried and called the supervisor first. The supervisor rolled her eyes at me.

There was also the failed attempt to collect a parcel from Waitrose. I had the order number but not the email I took it from, they refused to even go and look for it. A complaint to JL got me an apology, a promise to retrain the staff in that branch and a £10 voucher.

@Knitwit99 - that is absurd.

There was a fight in a McDonalds somewhere (was in the news) because someone wasn't allowed chicken nuggets because the menu had changed.

I live on a street called (for the sake of this thread) Car Crescent. The locals call it Cars. I don't know why its got an S but it's what they refer to it as. It's Car on the maps, on my council tax, on the postcode search and even on the street sign attached to my bloody wall. No S anywhere.

I called my Housing association for something. I went through all the checks and they kept telling me I was wrong and couldn't complete the call. Took me a while to realise they have it down as Cars Crescent and I was obviously giving the "wrong" details. Ridiculous.

Went into a pub with dh, i arrived at the bar first and asked for a vodka & coke, i was asked for id, i didn't have any on me (i was 30 at the time & hadn't been asked for id for many years so had stopped bothering to carry it) so naturally they said they couldn't serve me

It was frustrating but nothing i could do so i said to dh as he arrived (having parked the car) that we would have to go elsewhere, he said "ok i'll just grab a small coke and down it quickly as I'm really thirsty" (very hot day)

They refused to serve him! they said it was because he was with me and they didn't believe i was old enough to drink alcohol, despite him trying to explain that he was only asking for a plain coke, which is a soft drink they wouldn't budge