To ask for your “computer says no” moments?

[Retpark101]

Light hearted, I’m talking about times when in a shop/supermarket/transport/anything else really, you’ve been “not allowed” or told “can’t do that sorry” when it’s something really tedious or silly. My title (for those who don’t know) refers to Little Britain’s character of a woman behind a computer who just say no to every request made of her.

Anyway I’ll share mine from this morning that gave me the idea.

In Waitrose cafe as they’ve refurbished it and it looks lovely. I’m with DD who is 2. We are looking at the kids snacks and sandwiches but DD isn’t hungry and there’s only ham or egg mayo sandwiches for kids so she isn’t interested. However she would like a banana and an innocent smoothie pouch so I pick both up and go to the counter to pay.

The woman says “sorry but the smoothie isn’t included in the kids meal deal” I say it’s fine I’ll buy it separately. She says “you also can’t have to banana on its own, you have to buy a sandwich and a kids drink as well” (which is just 2 flavours of fruit shoot)

I say I don’t mind paying extra if I can just have the banana, DD doesn’t want a sandwich or a fruit shoot. Can I not just have the banana separately? “No sorry you HAVE to buy it with the kids meal deal”

So I just got my coffee and DDs smoothie and went to get a pack of bananas from Waitrose itself then DD ate one in the cafe.

Total first world problem I know but FFS just let me buy a pissing banana on its own from the cafe without the sandwich and fruit shoot?

Tell me your stories

In our town we have 5 digit telephone numbers instead of the usual 6 after the area code. So, so, SOOOOO many computers can't handle that fact.

Now I just add a zero on the end every damn time as the calls will still connect with an added digit after the correct numbers.

Went to our local pub with the children. It's a swanky gourmet pub, which was empty that early on a Saturday lunchtime. They have fancy fish fingers on the kids menu. Girls wanted fish fingers, DH and I had cravings for fish finger sandwiches.

Ordered two kids fish finger meals, and asked if we could order two more, but skip the chips and peas and have sandwich form instead.

Nope, no way.

So, ordered four portions and bread and butter, and DC sat transfixed as I merrily made DH and I sandwiches. Ate the chips. Ignored the peas.

When we moved house I set up the new electricity account on the day, putting in the new reading as you’re supposed to and set up direct debits etc. Didn’t think anything of it until dh spotted electricity bills getting more and more aggressive about non- payment - so rang up to find out what was going on. Seems that although we had set up our electricity supplier, the people who moved out had entered their details into the system later in the day than we had. So when they shut their account it also created a ‘new occupier’ account that wiped out our new account.

It was understandable - we had just moved in but they had moved out and were moving to the other end of the country so had entered their details (with the correct dates) the next day when they finally arrived at their destination. The electricity company couldn’t understand that I was initially ignoring the bills because I had set up an account and had no idea they would randomly close it.

Also had a council tax problem when I moved into a different flat - dh was living abroad at the time so I was single occupancy. It was a while ago so you had to register and get your account then they sent you a form to set up a direct debit.

I wrote to them with the direct debit form and informed them in the same letter that dh was now living there. Dd was set up, didn’t think any more about it until I got irate demands for unpaid council tax. Rang up for the first one, they checked my address, said they could see the dd and that it was probably because it was just timings due to setting up the direct debit and changing the amount as dh was now there so to ignore which I did. Then got big red demand and saying they were going to court so rang back in a panic to find out what was going on, that I’d been told it was all ok etc etc. They checked, could see account was up to date with payments so couldn’t understand it. Got supervisors involved - eventually discovered that they had closed down my original account with just me there and opened a new account with dh added, rather than amending the account. They had added the dd to the new account (that I didn’t know about at the time!) rather than the account number I had sent the form in with. I hadn’t spotted the really long account numbers were different because it hadn’t occurred to me that they wouldn’t just change the account as it said it would do in the instructions (theirs not mine!). Took a while but managed to get them to remove it from my credit report luckily.

There is a housing association using the SAP system and it keeps losing rent payments then writing to tenants asking them to pay rent they have already paid and threatening eviction if tenants dont pay what they have already paid!

When I moved to London I needed to register with a GP as I was pregnant.

The local GP I tried to register with over the phone had a system that required the address of the hospital where I was born.

I've never been asked this, either before, or after in my entire life. However whoever wrote that program had clearly been told it was mandatory information, so they couldn't proceed without it.

I told them the name of the hospital and they couldn't find it. I said no, that's probably because it doesn't exist any more. It closed in the late 80s I think. Can't you enter it manually? oh, yes, ok.
Whats the street? I give a street (I made it up, based on the name of the hospital) - and whats the area? I say the town. She says no, not the town, the AREA. I say I have no idea. Not all addresses have areas like London does, they are just a street, in a town. So I don't think its necessary to add an area.
Well the computer needs an area or it won't save the address...
I made that up as well. Which again, she didn't seem bothered about, as long as there was something (made up) on the system...

HMRC a few years ago.

We claim back CIS tax. It's basically an income tax on construction workers. Every year I tell them how much I think they owe me based on my statements and paperwork from the contractors we work for.

They never match and every year I have to prove my claim.

This particular year HMRC said they owed me 8k. I said it was 4k too much, dunno what's happened can I just have my 4k. No. Because we owe you 8k. Said no you owe me 4k not 8k here is the proof you owe me 4k. Computer said no. Paid the 4k they actually owed. And 4k they didn't. I actually highlighted where the 4k error was, spoke to 3 different people including someone senior. Computer said company was owed 8k. That's all they would pay.

Mind. Blown.

Three words.............Post Office Horizon.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3428761-to-think-that-the-computer-is-not-always-right

We have an independently run canteen in our office. Our boss offered to buy everyone bacon/egg/sausage rolls as it was his birthday. There were at least 15 of us so a decent order/profit for the canteen.

It was 06.55 and I asked to place the order. Guy behind the counter said they didn’t open until 7am. I asked if he could take the order now and start cooking at 7? The answer was a resounding no, come back in five minutes.

I told him to forget it and popped to the local cafe round the corner who were more than happy to complete our large order with zero faff.

Unfortunately the canteen made a habit of saying no to people who were two minutes early/late for breakfast or lunch orders (the nature of our work means we can’t always get a designated lunch break so it’s just grab one whilst it’s quiet type thing). The canteen went out of business shortly after because everyone boycotted it!

Had a good one with the bank once...

Had an existing joint account with my abusive ex husband (restraining order in place at this time). Post divorce, I had made sure the balance was zero and needed to remove myself from it asap. They told me that they couldn't remove me from the account without permission from the ex IN PERSON. I was obviously a little frustrated and upset and eventually a sympathetic member of staff worked out that I could closed the entire account there and then with no issue.
I did point out that it was insane that I could close the account instantly, but needed his permission to simply remove me from it. But hey, that's what the system allowed.

I wanted to buy a cup of hot water at a drinks stall in a convention centre so I could drink my own decaf tea. However due to health and safety they said they couldn’t sell me it. I asked if they could sell me a cup of tea but not put the tea bag in it - that was fine!

I've been trying to convince the electric people that my house exists and has an electricity supply (and meter) for 8 years. They don't believe me.

I'm dreading the day they finally say 'Oh, you have a property that has an electricity supply - give us all your money right now or we cut you off'.

The same company managed to accept that I have a gas supply, though. I've even tried changing suppliers five times in the hope that the process will trigger somebody saying 'oh, there's a supply there'. Nope. They just tell the new supplier that the meter/house/supply doesn't exist and the whole thing shuts down again.

I haven't got a Bachelor's degree, haven't completed my Master (or rather, Magister) in Germany where Bachelor's degrees didn't exist until the early 2000s. The number of time I wasn't able to complete an application form online because the computer wasn't able to recognise non-standard qualifications... Even more annoyingly, these same companies always said that they encourage applications from qualified overseas candidates (many of whom would not have had degrees not following a traditional UK Bachelor / Master structure....

Spent an hour in Halifax once trying to open a joint bank account with DH. We both already held current accounts there. An hour later apparently the computer said no. The bank clerk literally said that too. Ten years later we still don't have a joint bank account because after that neither of us could be arsed!

And then there's the local council.

I was in receipt of council tax benefit. DP moved in. I notified the local council and got a new council tax bill and he got his polling card through (because he completed the electoral roll renewal that coincidentally came through at the same time). He changed his driving licence address and everything else to here without issues. All good so far.

Six months later, I get a shitty letter saying that I'm being investigated because they had received information that there is somebody else living in the property - with lots of threats about criminal offences when claiming benefits fraudulently and the like.

I had a rather tiresome conversation with somebody from the council where I pointed out that their source of information was me, the council tax bill was in our joint names, so it's fairly obvious that we had told them he was here, he could be found on the electoral roll at this address, and, by the way, had they noticed that, by having this revised council tax bill and making payments towards, their main oversight had been that I wasn't actually in receipt of any benefits to commit fraud with?

In the end, when the person started making dire warnings of how serious a matter benefit fraud was and how I MUST give them contact details of the person who they had found out was living with me, I suggested that if they wanted to check any more information, they went up to the 4th floor of their building and asked the guy on the second desk on the left nearest the window. Because that's where DP worked. The Housing Department.

Strangely, I didn't hear anything else about this non existent fraud of non existent benefits after that.

My sister sent dc2 a parcel in their name. Lady at the post office wouldn't let me have it as I have a different surname. I'm use to this so passed over dc2s birth certificate, my birth certificate, my marriage certificate and my driver's licence. Apparently that wasn't enough proof and I would have to provide photo ID for dc2. At the time dc2 was 5 and didn't have a passport. Parcel ended up back with my sister!

Similar to you op I was in Debenhams cafe years ago with toddler ds. He didn't want anything off the children's menu, at the time it was either jars of baby food or chicken nuggets and chips.

I was having a jacket potato which came with a pizza slice. Ds wanted a jacket potato but the woman was adamant that he couldn't have one because it wasn't on the children's menu, even though I said I'd pay adult price.

The other one is the TV licence, sending me threatening letters. I used to pay weekly on a card and I was sure I'd paid for the years licence. Rang them up, turned out my licence was up to date, but I was supposed to be paying for the next years licence.

I still have a bank account in my married name from my previous marriage. They know I have been divorced for ten years or so, they know my new name, and about once every six months we try to change it to my new name. No luck so far: their computer says it has changed it and then cheerfully reverts to the old name for my next statement. One day I shall close that account, then open a new one. Maybe I ought to use my old name (had an account with them for over thirty years and never overdrawn) as a guarantor for my new one.

I went to a chip shop in Whitby and tried to buy one sausage and a bag of chips, but they refused and said that was a child meal and I had to have TWO sausages and a bag of chips if I was an adult. So that was me told.

Years ago, I remember a veggie friend trying to buy a veggie burger at McDonald’s (only place open). They served him with literally a burger, no bun. He asked for a bun, but they said they weren’t allowed to give him one??

Went to Waitrose, wanted to use a self scanner. There were 4or 5 in the rack, but it wouldn't release them, as they need to have a minimum amount in there????

Why????

Buying a vase as a gift in John Lewis.

Cashier started to wrap it but was using the smaller tissue paper from the stack of different sizes. She was using loads of paper trying to cover the whole vase so it looked like a badly wrapped mummy. I very politely suggested the larger sized tissue paper might be better to which she replied "that's only for silverware" then continued forcing the now twice the size vase into a gift box.

DS was going through a growth spurt and had hollow legs, we went for a pub lunch as a treat and I wasn't allowed to order an adult meal for him because 'they usually don't finish and its a waste'.
I promised I'd clear his plate if he left any but they still said no.

My father died recently. We telephoned Vodaphone to ask them to close my father's account and cancel any further payments. "That's ok. We just need to speak to the account holder please?"
When we awkwardly ( and very upsettingly) explained for the second time in the conversation that my dad has just died, so couldn't come to the phone, they said they couldn't help us further.

Not really computer but... I was buying a 40p pack of paracetamol in Sainsburys. Self checkout. It flags up for ID, no staff about. I wasn't impressed and in a huge amount of dental pain, so stood there huffing. Woman eventually marches over and I was just expecting her to clear it.. but she says "Have you got ID?" totally seriously. I couldn't actually believe it and I pretty much gawped at her then stammered that I hadn't. I asked "How old do you have to be to buy it?" She says "16"... I was 31! Could not believe I left without it!

Went to an event where they were offering free (alcoholic) drinks for women. I was 38 weeks pregnant so asked for a tonic water. Was told they could only serve it with gin

Other people might have had that:

When I obtained British Citizenship, I looked up whether my Cambridge Certificate in Advanced English would be accepted - Home Office Computers say no. I had near perfect marks on that one, but no.

Had to do an English test at an accredited centre, a 10 minute speaking test for £150.