To wonder how some women have it sooo easy...

[Elderflowerasusualthxs]

Aibu? Or just jealous? I don't know but how did they make it?
Such an easy life! Cleaners, gardeners. Huge countryside houses and sometimes second homes by the sea.
A caring and loving husband, good looking and wealthy. No need to work for the rest of their lives. Kids privately educated. Enjoying wonderful holidays in different places and cultures and so on...
They exist and just hit the jackpot or there is a secret that most of us don't know?! I met a pair of them last year by chance through my son's extra curricular activities.
So many of us don't have it like that and I know life can be challenging and unfair at times but they seem to have it all.
Can I have the recipe please? Thank you.

The women I know who live like this married v. well or came from wealthy backgrounds themselves. The richest women I know married her childhood sweetheart and he built a business from nothing to selling it a few years ago and almost becoming a billionaire. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't think exactly that it's the amount of money that matters, I do think that it matters if you can live within your budget in a healthy way. You don't necessarily need to be rich to feel content and your needs being met. I don't think a bigger car will make you feel happy, but stressing over money can make you feel unhappy. You can still stress over money when you have a big car and house but too much debt or outgoings.

I’m married to someone whose on a six figure salary, in a five bed house that costs a frigging fortune to run so no private education possible. From the outside you’d be looking at me thinking ‘why’s that chubby plain bitch got that and her husband’. I met him when he was eighteen and a gravedigger. We’ve just hung on in there. Life is never perfect, I’ve had to mop up all parenting because employers want their moneys worth, I found that deeply scary when they were small. Career wise whatever I earn is jackshit in comparison so I feel a little bit childlike and dependant as a result. But obviously all worries are relative, I’m damn lucky to not need to grab stuff from a food bank, my kids are lucky to grow up somewhere so magical. Cash isn’t everything though.

Of course you might be happy in that lifestyle, but it's not guaranteed, for several reasons:

• the hedonistic treadmill: luxury becomes banal and hardly even enjoyable - you relish it much more when it's an occasional experience rather than an everyday thing

• the risk of finding yourself quite isolated. I've an aunt who married a man who worked hard and got lucky and became very rich. The only person I ever saw her spend time with was her housekeeper, who was paid to be there. She was always the wealthiest person in the room and felt people were talking about her behind her back and/or trying to be friends to get some benefit. Or she had to socialise with dull business contacts of her husbands.
• Unlike the people described in other posts, she didn't have much education, having left school to look after her dying mother. I don't think she ever had paid employment. I think she is pretty bored and unfulfilled, so turned to religion in a big way (we're Irish - religion is still a thing for some people). My mother, her younger sister, was a SAHM when we were young but started her own business and has a much bigger social circle and feels much more fulfilled. While she's had money worries at very points, and I wouldn't dismiss the burden of those, over the course of a lifetime, I think she's benefited by not being in a gilded cage like her sister.

I'm not saying the above experiences are universal, but they're not unique either.

Her successful, globetrotting husband has constant affairs to which she turns a blind eye. She is anxious and depressed but all looks lovely on the surface- beautiful, expensively-dressed children, luxury holidays etc.

I love when people have to paint that kind of lives to make themselves better...

I find the op a bit reductive. People’s lives are more nuanced than that.

I don't think the OP sounds bitter. I think it's perfectly reasonable to wonder how some people end up with such lovely lives, when they aren't noticeably 'better' (be that in character, appearance, intelligence or skills) than the rest of us.

Also a lot of assumptions that these women must be miserable. Or vulnerable if their dh's leave them. They are going to be less vulnerable than the majority, if it all goes pear shaped because they already have assets and healthy bank accounts! You are more vulnerable if you don't have money to start with.
Sure, there are things that money cannot compensate for, but I'd rather be miserable in comfort, on a nice big house, than not.

Meh, I'd rather earn my own money and be independent and be with someone I love and that loves me. Which I am.

So many answers, opinions and honest advice! Thank you all.
I'm not feeling great, a bit depressed perhaps...
Sorry if the post came across as judgemental.

I could be seen as being one of “those” women (I realise that makes me sound like an arsehole) but all I can say is you don’t know the sacrifices it’s taken To get where we are. My dh works 12 hour days and I have largely been alone mon-fri with 4 kids. Also there have been sticky times with his business when he’s been under terrible stress and it’s inevitably filtered down to me/our relationship. He’s taken lots of risks in his life to get where we are and worked incredibly hard - much harder than someone in 9-5 employment.

Luckily I’m very happy but there are women in my circle who seem to “have it all” and the reality behind closed doors is very different.
One absolutely gorgeous friend of mine has recently found out her dh is having an affair with a young employee for example.

There are lots of poor people whose husbands are having affairs too. And plenty who are working just as hard as the wealthy, have had as much stress but not making as much money.

Yes, I can also say when I was in that position my OH worked ridiculous hours. He was never at any school events, worked weekends and I had to do almost everything alone. He was constantly getting ill, suffering acute insomnia and stressed out of his head. So the big house and a reasonable lifestyle didn’t compensate.

“ having good health is a true gift, and actually the most important thing there is”.

This 110% ^

I’m in the midst of a major health scare with 2 young children, unable to now care for them by myself. I’d give you all the money I had if you could turn the clock back and make me healthy again. Go outside, breath some fresh air, go for a walk and think yourself lucky.

Sorry you're feeling down OP

Maybe look at the thing that's causing you the most difficulty and try to formulate a plan? Do you have resources that can help, like good friends?

I've made a lot of progress in several areas of my life (in my case particularly getting over a bad childhood, then a bad marriage) by keeping a journal and making action plans.

Self-esteem is the driving force that you'll need to carry them out though.

namechangetheworld Tue 04-Feb-20 09:58:10
"I get jealous of these people too OP, there are a few women who live near me who have clearly married well. They don't need to work, have huge houses, lovely clothes, brand new cars, and take their children on fabulous days out and holidays. We're living in a shitty little terrace that's too small and are living paycheck to paycheck. I can fucking guarantee that these people are enjoying their lives more than me. I desperately want my children to have all of these things and it makes me so miserable."

I hope you have enough to make ends meet because of course it is very stressful when you don't but please try not to project onto your kids that they need any of your list of wants to be happy. If you are able to keep them warm and fed and clothed- if they have love, activity, age appropriate freedoms and a little humour in your home then they have a lot. If they have friends that you help them to spend time with they will be delighted.

If you are able to then sending your children to brownies/cubs/swimming lessons/school camp/taking them camping would be more important to their happiness than a huge house or a new car.

I was chatting to my colleague last night about how much life has changed for children and the lives they lead. She remembered very fondly that she could go out for the day and tell her mum "if you need me i'll be playing at the tip". They are kids. Their good times are not based on adult materialism.

I know someone who married a banker. She's rich, but works because she wants to (an intelligent, busy person who married for love not money). She doesn't have money worries but other than that pretty much has the same everyday stresses as everyone else.
I live in a terrace, but we have enough for treats and holidays. Our lives aren't that different.

Meh, I'd rather earn my own money and be independent and be with someone I love and that loves me. Which I am

I love my husband and he loves me! We met as teenagers, both privately educated so in the same circles and have been best friends for years. He just happened to be academically brilliant (part of why I am so attracted to him, his brain), worked hard and now earns obscene money. There’s literally no point of me working, I would much rather be with the children at home and managing stuff for DH so when he’s at home he has nothing to do except relax as he works so hard. It works very well for both of us. As I said though the downside can be loneliness as not many people are in such a lucky position and it breeds resentment/just not a lot of people being around during the week.

Everybody has challenges in their lives. The fact is everything is easier without money worries. I've met loads of people who say "I wish I was rich". I've never met a rich person who said "I wish I was poor".

I think money and financial stability (beyond scraping by) is one piece of the puzzle but it is not more important than the relationships part of the puzzle (partner/family/friends?) or the health part (your own and that of your family/ physical and mental).

I posted upthread about being one of those annoying women.

I just realised I should probably post about one of my schoolfriends, as well.

She and her husband are low earners (they both work in the kind of role which is interesting, requires a good education, and is important to society, but is poorly paid).

I don't envy them their income, obviously. But I do envy her in several other ways:

• She has an interesting career

• She has supportive parents and siblings who live nearby, help with childcare and give her DC a great extended family

• Her husband is around a lot and they work as a real team

Basically I reckon her quality of life is as good as mine. Not materially, but in terms of happiness.

The main reason I mention her is that she married WELL. Her husband is kind, clever, funny, supportive and hardworking, and he clearly adores her. She picked well (and so did he) and that's why they have a good life.

well, obviously, but what is view as "rich" is not simply someone having a bit more than you.

When you are an employee depending on your pay cheque at the end of the month, you are not that rich...

It's because they are a level up already or they levelled themselves up by dressing well, taking care of their appearance and don't date poor men that can't offer them what they want. More women would do better to use their brain more when choosing a life partner. A lot of women just accept whatever blood sucking, useless creature comes their way

I had that life (ish- loads of amazing holidays, massive house, plenty of disposable income, always worked though through choice) . I walked away when ex h cheated. Now a bit poorer financially (don't have or want a massive house anymore) but ecstatically happy with dp. Wouldn't go back for all the money in the world.

Rich enough to not have to worry if you can afford to feed your kids at the end of the month.

Meh, I'd rather earn my own money and be independent and be with someone I love and that loves me

It makes me laugh how threads like this descend into “oh, these women don’t love their husbands/are married to horrible men/aren’t fulfilled being sahm’s”. This can apply to poor or rich women you do realise that?
I suppose telling themselves that women who “have it all” are all bloody miserable just makes them feel better!

And for those saying you can’t possibly be fulfilled not working and earning your own money - I don’t work - I’m a sahm - and I’ve loved it thanks!