To wonder how some women have it sooo easy...

[Elderflowerasusualthxs]

Aibu? Or just jealous? I don't know but how did they make it?
Such an easy life! Cleaners, gardeners. Huge countryside houses and sometimes second homes by the sea.
A caring and loving husband, good looking and wealthy. No need to work for the rest of their lives. Kids privately educated. Enjoying wonderful holidays in different places and cultures and so on...
They exist and just hit the jackpot or there is a secret that most of us don't know?! I met a pair of them last year by chance through my son's extra curricular activities.
So many of us don't have it like that and I know life can be challenging and unfair at times but they seem to have it all.
Can I have the recipe please? Thank you.

A lot of assumptions and judgements on here.

When I met my DH I was the higher earning. We both had graduated top of our years, and had good careers. I didn't marry him for money, as when we met he had less, I married him for his intellect. We got on, and had similar outlooks and aspirations.

I am sure people look at my life and feel envious. The reality is big houses are very expensive and labour intensive to run. By most people's standards our house is freezing. Max 15 degrees. We are used to it, and either stay active or wear jumpers/use throws if we are sitting still. I do all the work myself. That's a lot of manual labour cleaning, gardening, maintaining. My DH works stupid hours and is away from home a lot, which was especially hard when I had 2 under 2. I have the hands and knees of an1880s house maid! I don't get glamorous holidays, or meals out. I have a very ordinary life.

I am happy though. If I'd wanted glamour I'd have chosen a different path in life. You marry who you meet, so if you yourself have a good career you are more likely to meet people with good finances.

This is my life OP.

I met DH at university, we both come from 'normal families', not hugely struggling but no money for luxuries. We both earned tiny salaries starting out, studied for years and started up the ladder. We're in the same profession. I went PT when we had the children, 10 years ago.

25 years with DH,, through saving and taking risks where we could, with houses etc, we have all the lovely things in life, the house, the holiday house, nice cars, DC in private school. I'm certainly not a lady who lunches, I'm a very anxious person with chronic arthritis. I don't do glamour, and my DH is quite happy with that. I struggle with people, and worry that they think I'm stuck up!

I'm very grateful for the lifestyle we have, but am I any happier than 20 years ago - no, I don't think so.

I might be one of those women and I certainly know a lot of them. I work full time and so does DH so I don’t have a life of leisure. Without exception amongst my friends, working or not, we are all tired and stressed from bringing up small children, especially when husbands are constantly traveling, and many of us also have anxiety.

Actually though, my loneliness may well be because I am in my twenties which is very young to have such a successful DH (also in his 20s), and our school friends are no where near us in terms of life (marriage/babies) etc and do not have the opportunity to meet other people with similar lifestyles other than a limited few as DS not yet started private school, which I’m hoping will help.

I hate the "you don't know what goes on behind closed doors" mantra. No, we can't assume that most people who have money, are unhappy in some other way.

Agree with this.
Yes the privileged may have struggles, health SN etc. But those with less privileged lives also have those struggles but with less money and time and support to throw at the problem. And some privileged families have no struggles - that’s partly how they were able to get to that position.

At the end of the day some people are luckier than others. Our choices play a part but a lot of it is luck. By all means tell yourself these people are miserable behind closed doors if it makes you feel better, but it’s not necessarily true.

I have that life OP. The difference is that I've paid for it myself. I met my husband young - while we were both at Uni. He wanted to be an actor. I knew if I wanted to have the kind of life you describe, I would have to pay for it myself. And I did, I worked very hard and well-paying jobs that I didn't necessarily enjoy and have had the money to buy all the things you describe. My life has been really lovely, with the love of a good man (who has never earned very much) and I have been very happy.

* I might be one of those women and I certainly know a lot of them. I work full time and so does DH so I don’t have a life of leisure.*

Well then you’re not one of the women the OP is describing.

Fwiw op, DH is good looking (I think I am too & humble!) which is one of the reasons I was attracted to him. I knew he had good career prospects as did I. He earns around 100k, I work (TTO & pt), we have 3 dc & cant afford the lifestyle you listed. However I'm happy & wouldn't swap him for a millionaire.

OP your thread is amusing as the materially richest people in my family are women.

I was actually brought up knowing that two of my female cousins were richer and more successful in business than their husbands. So the large houses, education and foreign trips were down to their work. However when my cousins and families came to visit the women were always on the phone taking business calls, so you found yourself interacting with their husbands and children.

Now with my siblings and myself, it is the women in their partnerships who out-earn the men.

So as PPs said go and earn your own money.

I do hair and makeup for clients like these. Usually they have excellent educations and jobs themselves. Very rarely do I meet someone who has just 'married' into it. One woman manages a £24 billion property fund. She's interesting and I don't feel jealous - she has her own problems. But gosh her house is lovely... sigh

Of all the things OP lists, the one you can never do for yourself is "caring and loving husband".

Having lost my xh, that's all that matters to me now, the rest seems superficial and the kind of thing you'd adapt to and start taking for granted.

Love and care, I'd never stop appreciating that

My mum has a big house, lovely clothes, lots of holidays, gardener and a cleaner and is part of a members club - so lady that lunches & exercises via the restaurants and gym there. Sent me to private schools for my entire education. She sold her business and stayed home with me- dads business kept all 3 of us. Now see below.

She loves my dad but he is incredibly boring and asocial and is now in his mid 80s and slowing down. She's 69, fit and much more naturally social. She does loads of stuff with my aunt or with friends because she's so bored at home. He never goes out and was incredibly jealous of her social life where we lived when I was tiny, so he moved her to somewhere she knew no one. Took her years to meet people and we don't live in a friendly place. He's still quite jealous, she's just better at brushing it off. She's still pretty lonely and she's done her fair share of caring for elderly relatives in that time, too. I haven't always been the kindest daughter- our rows are pyrotechnic and as much as I love her we're both sharp tongued. Would you honestly want to swap?

It's either family connections, University or through work. That's how they meet a partner and/or make money. So luck and hard work. I think there is also an element of exclusion; excluding certain values and preferring others.

I don't particularly care for material wealth, not excessive wealth, I'm happy being just above average and I worked hard for it with a few lucky breaks and some support.

One thing I don't suffer with, and I am really glad about, is envying someone for their personal appearance. My mum has quite bad acne scars and she taught me to value intelligence much more. I admire people who manage to always great, but jealous - it's not a good emotion to have in any more than a fleeting sense.

some people have a high enough opinion of themselves and don't settle for crap.

They chose an interesting career, and don't get stuck in low-paid AND jobs they hate.

They don't settle for any boyfriend for the sake of it, and wait until they find a decent partner.

Most of these women can afford to stop working because they did their bit before, and their earning was needed to set up the family as it is now.

They also accept that a husband home at 5pm to "help with the kids" is a completely dated and unreasonable concept.

And some people are born in wealthy families. They worked hard at uni and in their career to keep it that way. The beauty of our country is that you can join them, no one is stuck in poverty or a in crap life. Instead of being jealous, work for the life you want. You might not be born wealthy, but your kids could be, it's up to you.

I will give you some perspective OP.

7 years ago, DH had no work due to recession, we were in the middle of building our home, had to literally stop works on it, do little bits ourselves, whilst renting with a small child, both had to claim social welfare, had no family around to help us. We were happy, on a Saturday night we'd share a cheap bottle of Aldi wine, sit on the couch until the early hours chatting and cuddling etc.

I hadn't money for new clothes , I can remember when my 2nd child was born DH barely had the money to buy a gift for me/her in the hospital, none of this bothered me at the time , whilst I was aware of it , I was happy and fulfilled, the house, the jobs etc would turn out right in the end.

Fast forward a few years, house built, both myself and dh working in good jobs. He had to go off working around the country, taking him away for a couple of nights at a time, I missed him terribly but was kept going at home, we still enjoyed lovely time when he was at home.

Then.... I find out he had been straying whilst away "working". Heartbroken, I had fancy clothes, I was looking the best I had ever done, I had the money to get my hair done, makeup etc, beautiful home.

The one thing that stuck out to me and still does is my father in law, who was disgusted and couldn't fathom the actions of his son, saying this.

You were happier when you were on the social welfare and had nothing.

And you know what it just goes to show, you can look like you have everything but some of the happiest times of my relationship were those times.

I know hundreds of women as described from the circles I used to move in. They have charmed existences. Usually they are very pretty

There is huge wealth inequality in this country. Women and children are most impacted by this. You have noticed this and noticed it is unfair. Yep. Hope you voted Labour.

I know women like this. Living in the most expensive parts of town despite not having careers or even worked after having children. Privately educated but not university educated. Met and married privately educated men. Like calling to like I suppose!

I've only skimmed the thread but, OP, I think you're both BU and NBU. Yes, some people are materially better off than others and that can be frustrating if you're not in that group, so YANBU to sometimes feel a pang of envy.
But on the other hand, I would describe myself as having "hit the jackpot" and "made it" even though my life is nothing like what you describe in your OP. My parents have always been on a very low income and lived incredibly frugally. They never earned enough to qualify for a mortgage so have had to rent all their lives, which is financially debilitating in itself. But they were better off than their parents, so were always thankful just to have a roof over their heads and food on the table. DH's parents are only slightly better off than mine. We in turn are better off than our parents. We've recently got a mortgage and bought a home, and can afford things that my parents will never be able to - I can (sometimes) buy my clothes new instead of second hand, I can pay a hairdresser to cut my hair instead of doing it myself, on occasion we get a takeaway or go out to eat "just because", which was a treat that my parents had to save up for... I feel like the luckiest women in the world, like I've absolutely hit the jackpot. We can't afford a holiday every year, we buy most of our things second hand, when we go out to eat we usually need to use a voucher or some kind of offer for it not to impact our finances... but we have a life that my parents could only dream of despite decades of hard graft and scrimping and saving. So from that perspective, YABVU - be grateful for what you have.

A mixture of genetics, hard-work and luck. However you can improve your life chances if you pay attention at school , avoid destructive behaviour ( drugs, alcohol, criminality ) maintain a positive and enthusiastic work ethic and use your common sense. You're also going to need to stay healthy and be aware that presentation matters.

I hate the "you don't know what goes on behind closed doors" mantra. No, we can't assume that most people who have money, are unhappy in some other way.

I hate this too. It's so patronising and almost always parroted by those who are well off. Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it certainly makes life considerably easier.

I get jealous of these people too OP, there are a few women who live near me who have clearly married well. They don't need to work, have huge houses, lovely clothes, brand new cars, and take their children on fabulous days out and holidays. We're living in a shitty little terrace that's too small and are living paycheck to paycheck. I can fucking guarantee that these people are enjoying their lives more than me. I desperately want my children to have all of these things and it makes me so miserable.

I know a woman who has a life like this. Her successful, globetrotting husband has constant affairs to which she turns a blind eye. She is anxious and depressed but all looks lovely on the surface- beautiful, expensively-dressed children, luxury holidays etc.

And then there are people in this situation who are genuinely happy, with good relationships. But no one is immune to getting ill or having a breakdown. I don’t know how old you are, but as you age (and lose people you love) you begin to realise that having good health is a true gift, and actually the most important thing there is. No amount of money can prevent the truly terrifying and tragic things that happen to people in their lives.

Friend has just left her husband of 15 years (bf for years before that) so no more giant Surrey house and new car every 3 years. Instead, modest digs in less desirable village and economy class holidays if at all.

She is now a million times happier. He was a crashing bore who drained the life out of her.

I had a very rich boyfriend at uni. His family had money and he went into private banking. Very wealthy. He’s a decent guy, I still know him and his family through mutual friends. But we weren’t right together. He would never have seen me as his equal, would never have respected my academic career (prestigious but doesn’t pay well compared to banking). He’d have expected me to do almost all the parenting and manage the gardener/cleaner/nanny whatever and probably wanted me to host dinners for his banker friends and their wives. Fine if that makes you happy but not me. No way. I’m much happier with my equal to me husband in my little house and state school.