To wonder how some women have it sooo easy...

[Elderflowerasusualthxs]

Aibu? Or just jealous? I don't know but how did they make it?
Such an easy life! Cleaners, gardeners. Huge countryside houses and sometimes second homes by the sea.
A caring and loving husband, good looking and wealthy. No need to work for the rest of their lives. Kids privately educated. Enjoying wonderful holidays in different places and cultures and so on...
They exist and just hit the jackpot or there is a secret that most of us don't know?! I met a pair of them last year by chance through my son's extra curricular activities.
So many of us don't have it like that and I know life can be challenging and unfair at times but they seem to have it all.
Can I have the recipe please? Thank you.

This is also my life and I'm extremely grateful for it even though it's obviously not as perfect as it appears from the outside. I can sense that I've lost some friends over the years as a result even though I haven't changed at all as a person. I'm aware of the "unfairness" and difficulty of today's economy plus the pressure, especially for women, to make things happen that are largely out of your control. So I can understand why some people have dropped contact and it makes me a bit sad but I know there's no point pursuing it.

The broad answer to OP is that my cultural background places a lot of emphasis on choosing partners with "good jobs that can provide for family". This is not seen as gold-digging but mostly common sense, as choosing a partner is one of the few things you do have a choice in. When I started dating my husband we were both students, and he had absolutely no money but was studying medicine. He was a kind and funny person as well so my parents were happy to give their approval.

We spent many years just hanging out with friends, going on cheap road trips and fitting life around exams, work placements etc. I was self-employed with my own business and he graduated as a doctor. Because it was such a long process, it didn't feel like a drastic lifestyle change. All our friends from uni were now doctors as well but they were still the same people. And by a freak stroke of luck, I was self-employed and my business took off which actually supported us for many years. We managed to get a mortgage on a dream home using my deposit.

To be honest, we are fairly "boring" people and the same applies to all the couples we know who have happy, comfortable lives. We spend hours talking about tax which would bore the tits off anyone 😂. People might see the occasional holiday snap on FB or glamorous work event but those are few and far in between. Our weekends are spent doing admin, filing papers, buying food or maintaining the cars/apartments (as many have mentioned there's a shitload of work that comes with extra material wealth).

I continued to work throughout my maternity leave as I love my job, and we had a lot of problems as a result of uneven childcare. I had to accept that I chose to stay home with our daughter so I also have to give up part of my career that I was so proud of. I struggled with PND/A and no amount of money could have made that better. I still get lonely a lot and our daughter is so young that I don't want to leave her with a nanny or nursery yet. I love what I have but I'm secretly envious of people with freedom...students, young people, single people, older couples. The joy of being able to come and go whenever you want, sleep in, take a spontaneous trip, go shopping or drink a coffee without looking at the time.

Who are “those ladies”? I don’t know many of them 🤣🤣, I think your focusing your thoughts on a very small minority. Yes, some people have all those things but not many, some have worked hard for it, some were just lucky to be born into it but happiness isn’t about things, it’s about people, experiences and memories. I’m happy with what I have, I have 2 amazing kids, I don’t have my own home or lots of money but my home is full of love, great memories and I don’t feel I need what other people have.

I think the main thing I'd be wary of is giving up financial independence. As long as you have money stashed or keep a foot in the door of a career you're a bit safer.

OP, live if not fair. Simples. Some people have really difficult life's which probably would make yours like a dream.

I can sense that I've lost some friends over the years as a result even though I haven't changed at all as a person

Interesting. I've seen it the other way. Such women/families only want to socialise with other people in the same economic bracket so they don't spend time with people they know are worse off.

I've been reading MN for a while now, and I often see the following mistakes of women who end up unhappy with their lives:

• putting up with rubbish partners
• not bothering to make friends
• no hobbies
• giving up career for their family
• lots of children
• children in an unstable/unhappy relationship
• not caring about themselves

The only person I know personally who has a life like you describe, has a husband who sleeps around and takes drugs at the weekend. I've no idea if she is aware of this or not! I'm just making the point that most things aren't as perfect as they look from the outside.

I am very mindful about what I disclose to all but my closest friends. I would never ever invite a work colleague to my home or discuss where my dc went to school. It is a minefield. One of the reasons why I like MNet.

I think the main thing I'd be wary of is giving up financial independence. As long as you have money stashed or keep a foot in the door of a career you're a bit safer.

Yes, and if things go pear shaped a career or a job can be a lifeline in other ways than just financially.

Sometimes it isn’t as perfect as it sounds. I have a relative who is Like what you explain. Her husband had a very high paid job, they have a massive house, kids are private schooled, she has a cleaner I think, expensive holidays. Yet the nature of his job means he’s never around much. She is home without him the majority of the time. He’s often abroad etc.

Every time I see her she looked frazzled. Tired, run down, the kids barely see their workaholic dad.

Money isn’t everything.

Plenty of those rich men work 70-80 hours. I wonder how many envious people are willing to work the same hours, or basically two jobs, to have better finances? I know I wouldn't want to.

My SILs parents were like this, they lived in a beautiful home in a nice village. 3 DCs, all went to university, she was a SAHM and he made a lot of money, lovely well presented family, seemed so happy etc etc

Just before Christmas it came to light that the father had been having an affair and so has split from the mother. He moved to a small flat and she, having no career or money, had to temporarily move back with her parents. She’s just found a job as a receptionist for a dentists so is looking to rent her own place soon.

I was shocked when SIL told me as I always thought they were the “perfect” family.

However this isn’t to say some women can’t truly just be happy, not all these “rich women with amazing husbands” are hiding abuse/infidelity/depression, some are just happy and I’m happy for them.

I’m a single mum in a smallish flat and DD is 1 and a half. I work 25 hours a week and although I’m pretty skint most of the time, I love my life. I love that me and DD can make our flat all girly and pretty, I love that we can have little days out together. I feel lucky that DD is healthy and happy. I love that I have a brilliant family and friends. I don’t have money or a DP but I’m really happy 99% of the time! To be honest, until DD is a lot older I’m not even bothered about a DP, if it happens it happens. What’s important is I know I can be happy on my own so I will never be afraid to leave a relationship for fear of being alone and won’t settle for less.

Sorry went off on one then

We are not as rich as the people in your post but we are probably not too far off. MIL did have that life, housekeeper, second home quite close to the sea, privately educated dc and was off abroad way back in the sixties and seventies when it was unusual. You know what FIL was a bastard, they divorced years ago. Her behaviour is very peculiar at times, I now realise she has been left with life long anxiety he was such a bully. But he was only like that behind closed doors, he let the mask slip as he got older though.

Money may not be everything but it's a lot better than poverty.
How do you meet rich men?

In the West we have the fantasy of romantic love which means if you're a good person you don't consider money to matter, if you do then you're a 'gold digger'. Feminism taught in a manner that makes women expect to be able to provide for themselves, but sexism and ageism/sexism that makes this more difficult.

Add self-esteem issues and you have many beautiful, talented, wonderful women settling (sometimes even paying for) men and lives well below what they deserve and what they could achieve. Sadly it is often a bit late when women realise their self-worth, that feminism does not mean women doing everything, and that wanting a partner who can contribute is not gold-digging.

For this reason I respect the Eastern culture of 'marrying well' and teaching daughters an entitlement to expect at-least their equal in a man. From what I've observed this is not just money, it is about respect and equality, but with a more practical and realistic focus.

@WhereShallWeMoveTo

Exactly what you said. I had high standards, I stuck to them and I am attracted to intelligence and not 'bad boys', we aren't rich but we are very comfortable and living a lovely life (and I am 'plain' but personality and intelligence also counts)

You are right! My friend calls me at work ‘I’ve just started a new yoga class! Off to lunch with the school mums! Getting my hair done!’ ‘Planning a holiday!’ ‘Off to the theatre/cinema tonight!’ I’m sitting here at work like wurzel gummage, wondering why I am so fat and old looking and what to make for dinner.

The best was one morning when there has been a massive storm the night before. Three people called me to complain about how tired they were after being woken up in the night. I was at work with my head on my keyboard - and none of them work.

Jealous, me? Well just a bit... I keep telling myself I’d get bored and wouldn’t want to be a ‘kept woman’...

I wouldn't be too jealous if I were you OP. I know several families like you describe. One has a huge house, cleaner/gardener/dog walker, holiday home in the Med, Lamborghini, but the DH is an immature idiot, drinks far too much and spends half the weekends so hungover he barely gets off the sofa, does coke when he goes out with his mates, has 'lads weekends' away pretty regularly. They aren't especially happy, but she doesn't want to divorce because of their DC.

Another couple have a huge house, four kids at private school, holiday home in Portugal, big expensive cars with personalised number plates, but the DH gives me the creeps. He posts off-colour comments about women and pornographic photos on the schools dads' Whatsapp group. I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole. His DW with her surgically enhanced face is welcome to him!

Some people who have all that don't appreciate it and are no happier than us.

Our situation 3 bedroom semi detached house worth £130,000
Partner earns 40,000 a year
I stay home with the kids but I'll go back to work when youngest is 5. I'll basically get a part time job around them. Nothing fancy.
We have a lovely holiday in the UK a year
We don't get to go out without the kids due to no babysitters.

My partner's sister
A doctor with a 750,000 house
Husbands earns 40,000 a year
They have 3 holidays a year.
They don't buy fancy clothes and not interested in fashion or nails or luxuries like that. They have dogs. Classical cars in the garage.

Despite them having loads more money than us. They can't cope. Mother in law does the housework and helps with the child and dogs. The husband drinks every night and is severely overweight. He won't help around the house or with the childcare. He doesn't need to work but went back full time to have his own space. He eats out every night. His wife gets no support from him.

I know they can have what they want when they want. They go out when they want and can commit to anything as they have constant help and childcare. But id rather be us. We are not well off but we get by fine. We work together as a couple and are on the same page.

Money can make people happy but it also can do nothing to create happiness.

To the outside world it would have looked like my daughter had it all, lovely house, healthy children, good looking successful husband......and yet she was desperately unhappy, her husband was an abusive controlling arse hole. The day she left him was the first time I’d seen her happy in ages. Her finances took a bashing, and she struggled to get back on her feet but she’s happy. So we really don’t know who “has it all”. We really can’t tell.

Actually, lots of us do have that life and are not unhappy behind closed doors. Life is not fair and some of us just get lucky. Yes, hard work may be a factor, but lots of luck too.

Thankfully my DH is kind and moral.

a very good summary leadbetter5.

People who are very wealthy and have worked hard to get there, or to maintain a certain level can't see it as "easy" though - because it never was.

For this reason I respect the Eastern culture of 'marrying well' and teaching daughters an entitlement to expect at-least their equal in a man.

absolutely, but it goes both ways - I expect my sons to "marry well" just as much as I expect my daughters to do so. They all deserve a happy life.