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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to have dinner with a colleague?

167 replies

AgeLikeWine · 03/02/2020 19:04

I’m going on a business trip this week. A colleague who works in a different department happens to be going to the same place as me at the same time. We will be travelling on the same flights, working in the same office and staying at the same hotel.

I do know this guy, but we are not friends, and I would prefer not to meet up with him for dinner in the evenings. I’m looking forward to some relaxed me-time, perhaps enjoying dinner with my book or having a take-away in my room rather than making awkward small talk over dinner.

AIBU to make it clear that I don’t want to meet up, and what would be the most tactful & diplomatic way to do so?

OP posts:

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 05/02/2020 14:46

When my OH used to travel if he was with a female colleague he made a point of not eating with them in the evening if they were alone. No problem telling them, he simply said it was inappropriate.

I used to be the only woman in a team of 5 and am now often the only woman in a team of 3 (more women in the larger team though) and we travel a fair bit. I would find it utterly baffling and insulting if they thought it was inappropriate to eat with me. We are colleagues.

Catsinthecupboard · 07/02/2020 03:38

Re: dh removing himself from female colleagues, my dh is the same.

He is the kindest man with respect for women, but he is an introvert who is also an absent minded prof type. He once told the woman that catered an office luncheon that he wanted to bring home some of the food to our dogs! She has still not forgiven him. He didn't mean it the way he sounded.

He said that he never knows what can be offensive any more and his male colleagues feel the same way. The work place is no longer a place to joke around or share stories, especially for engineers.

SamanthaBrique · 07/02/2020 06:17

He said that he never knows what can be offensive any more and his male colleagues feel the same way. The work place is no longer a place to joke around or share stories, especially for engineers.

redcarbluecar · 07/02/2020 06:34

I think I’d feel similarly, assuming the colleague is essentially a decent person rather than someone to avoid at all costs. I’d want time to myself but wouldn’t want to appear anti social. I’m sure honesty is your best policy. You want some time alone, or whatever the truth is. Please don’t say you have a headache.

Dyrne · 07/02/2020 06:36

I’m amazed at the turn this thread has taken - on the one hand we have saintly men who can’t possibly allow themselves to have dinner with some brazen harlot in case she mounts his penis right there in the restaurant; and on the other we have uptight prudish women who can’t take a good-natured joke (Probably about their breasts) in the jovial manner intended

Anyway, OP, I agree with others - unless dinners etc are expected as part of the trip/team element, it’s fine to not want to spend “off duty” time with colleagues.

MimiLaRue · 07/02/2020 06:39

He said that he never knows what can be offensive any more and his male colleagues feel the same way. The work place is no longer a place to joke around or share stories, especially for engineers

Yes- how DARE those women being sexually harassed at work make a fuss about it and now its awkward for the rest of the poor mens who now cant make sexist jokes in the work place! What utter bollocks.
Now, wheres my tiny violin.....

EnidBlyton · 07/02/2020 06:50

Its just a meal, just eating.
you can eat together without making a deal of it surely

whyamidoingthis · 07/02/2020 09:39

@EnidBlyton - you can eat together without making a deal of it surely

The point is she doesn't want to eat with anyone.

SamanthaBrique · 07/02/2020 09:49

OP's point is fair enough, though I'm not sure why she just can't say so to her colleague. It's some of the other posts on the thread that are a bit batshit.

messolini9 · 07/02/2020 09:55

Whoever's geezer is making this lame claim:
He said that he never knows what can be offensive any more

Why?
Did he just wake up from a coma he fell into in 1970?

It's very easy, & ignorance is no excuse.
When he's about to open his offence-giving mouth, he asks himself - "Would I say this to an angry Mike Tyson, or about his mother?"

If the answer's no - he should keep his mouth shut.

Russellbrandshair · 07/02/2020 17:38

He said that he never knows what can be offensive any more and his male colleagues feel the same way. The work place is no longer a place to joke around or share stories, especially for engineers

This is pathetic. As the poster above suggests- how would you feel about someone making a sexist joke to your mother or your daughter or wife, if you wouldn’t appreciate it then don’t bloody say it. It’s not difficult to avoid making offensive “jokes”, also isn’t this the man who avoids women because they “tease him”? So, he’ll happily make offensive jokes but if a woman does it back to him and gives as good as she gets he scuttles away in fear?

I’m surprised he actually found a woman willing to marry him, he sounds like an absolute arse.

SamanthaBrique · 07/02/2020 17:44

No @Russellbrandshair, that's a different guy. There's actually two who think like that!

Neverender · 07/02/2020 17:45

Wait and see if they suggest it and then say, "Oh I've been looking forward to a long bath and room service for ages, there's no way I'm letting that go!"

Russellbrandshair · 07/02/2020 17:46

There's actually two who think like that!

Oh- I see! How depressing

chrisbarker344 · 16/02/2020 10:26

I'm a man. Here is my perspective. I have been on courses and work trips that involve evening meals in hotels. I have eaten meals with a group of colleagues, and on other occasions by myself. If it was me and another colleague on their own (male or female ..or indeed one of these new genders we keep hearing about) then unless I knew them extremely well, to the point that I'd call them a friend, I would tend to want to spend the time on my own. If the colleague told me that they wanted the evening to themself I would not be upset or offended in the slightest. I'd be pleased in fact as it would mean I wouldn't need to say it first. Personally I think lying about what your plans are is uneccessary and could easily backfire if you say you're going to the gym and the other person was going to do the same. Maybe it's an age thing but I would have no issue with just being upfront.

BeyondMyWits · 16/02/2020 10:41

I used to go away often in a former civil service role. To be honest, you just expected that you would eat together, the question never came up. Often because of the culture of the department an evening drinking would follow.

Unless it was me and the boss - neither of us big on alcohol - then we'd go eat and off to the cinema or rock up at the local theatre and see if there were any returns on tickets at the door. Neither my husband nor his wife worried, nor did they have anything to worry about.

But, if you don't want to spend time together just don't, just say you have other things to do. Would be weird to both sit in the same restaurant though... even at breakfast.

bee222 · 16/02/2020 11:07

I used to do a lot of travel for work and would often be in hotels the same time as colleagues. I would always just say something along the lines of “I need some me time so I’m just gonna get room service, see you tomorrow!”

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