Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have dinner with a colleague?

167 replies

AgeLikeWine · 03/02/2020 19:04

I’m going on a business trip this week. A colleague who works in a different department happens to be going to the same place as me at the same time. We will be travelling on the same flights, working in the same office and staying at the same hotel.

I do know this guy, but we are not friends, and I would prefer not to meet up with him for dinner in the evenings. I’m looking forward to some relaxed me-time, perhaps enjoying dinner with my book or having a take-away in my room rather than making awkward small talk over dinner.

AIBU to make it clear that I don’t want to meet up, and what would be the most tactful & diplomatic way to do so?

OP posts:
livefornaps · 03/02/2020 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

EUnamechange · 03/02/2020 22:49

The bonding is incredibly important. Even/especially across departments. Once you've been out for dinner you've got someone you can call/email with issues in their area, who has a connection to you and is therefore more likely to help you solve it. You can find out what's really going on in that department, how it works, how you can make it work for your team etc.

See it as intelligence gathering and networking.

messolini9 · 03/02/2020 22:52

When my OH used to travel if he was with a female colleague he made a point of not eating with them in the evening if they were alone. No problem telling them, he simply said it was inappropriate.

Good grief what a pompous arse, & how stiffnecked to bring gender into it as if this were 1870.

There's nothing wrong with wanting some solo down-time & saying so courteously if you don't want to socialise with a colleague on a trip.
But - "inappropriate" - seriously?

livefornaps · 03/02/2020 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WellHolyGodMiley · 03/02/2020 23:00

A lot of posters determined to cut you down at the knees!

I am on your page, better to have something neutral that won't offend prepared.

''thanks but I'm going to do my own thing, read, sleep, stare at the screen, see you tomorrow!''

Movinghouseatlast · 03/02/2020 23:04

I do this type of business trip a lot- every week. There is always the assumption that you will eat with your colleague/s. If someone doesn't want to it is good to get it in early. So say you are going to x y z,you will be leaving for work at 8.30 if they want to travel.with you.

I had a colleague once who made up a friend in Birmingham so he didn't have to eat with a guy he didn't like!!!! It ended up being a monthly trip and he had to keep up the lie for nearly 2 years...

Whatever you do, don't go and eat in the hotel restaurant alone in case he does that too.

problembottom · 03/02/2020 23:07

My work colleagues would assume we’d eat together OP but at the same time wouldn’t be fussed if they had to dine solo. DP goes away an awful lot and often says he has work to do so he can get room service and chill. I don’t go away that much so I’m always up for a gossip and a bottle of wine!

I have to laugh at you being called presumptuous - in my job you’d expect to socialise even if you’d never met the colleague before. And dining with a member of the opposite sex is inappropriate? Words fail me on that one.

Fillybuster · 03/02/2020 23:14

Some good suggestions on here, in between the rest of the discussions. FWIW I hate being stuck with room service in my bedroom for the evening so would say something like “thanks, but I’m just going to do my own thing (& possibly add “ planning to hit the gym and I’ve got a great book to read over dinner” cos that would be true in my case) and then brief the restaurant that you don’t want them to sit anyone else with you if you come down to dinner alone.

Summer8900 · 04/02/2020 00:35

I feel you OP. I used travel for work a lot with my boss and/or colleagues. It was expected that we all have a breakfast, lunch and dinner together when traveling. Usually they would even sit us together when flying...It was beyond annoying and unless you were not well it would be disastrous to say a no. Maybe say you are not well? Or that you have a call or have to catch up on work?

MAFIL · 04/02/2020 01:49

I get where you are coming from OP. I am also an introvert and if I am away with work I far prefer to stay in my room on my own in the evenings, but there is often the assumption that I will want to dine with any colleagues who are also there. In fact I find that even people I don't know but happen to be attending the same conference sometimes suggest it which I find hideously uncomfortable. As a general rule, if I am somewhere for just one night, or maybe two I will say that I am tired or have some work to catch up on and decline. If it is a longer trip I will force myself to dine with others at least once, as though I don't like it, I realise that the other person is usually trying to be kind, or maybe they are lonely themselves, and I don't actually want to offend them. I would never want to eat with colleagues every night on a longer trip though, and I will only ever eat in the hotel, not go out to a restaurant, then I can make a quick getaway after the meal. Even if they are people I know and get along with, I still like some time alone. There's nothing wrong with that and I think you can be honest about wanting to be alone. Its probably better to say that than to make up some excuse that you may later be caught out on.

katy1213 · 04/02/2020 02:06

You might find that, away from the office, he's good company. At least if the pair of you have sufficient social grace to make conversation that isn't just an extension of work.
If that seems unlikely, you don't have to explain yourself, just say you have other plans.
It does strike me as odd, though, that a professional woman can't handle a perfectly normal social situation without resorting to Mumsnet!
My horror would be having someone join me at the table for breakfast. You do not want to listen to someone's else's husband slobbering on his cornflakes! If he's in the breakfast room before you, you say a polite good morning, then walk firmly towards a separate table. If he tries to join you, you say, I'm sorry, but I can't be sociable first thing in the morning. I'll see you later when I feel more human.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 04/02/2020 02:39

You are a load of meanies! I used to go on work events as part of a two person team where it was a given you'd meet up for dinner, especially if both members of the team were women. It depends how well you know each other.

OP if he suggests it, just say "I won't thanks, I'm going to have an early night. I need my sleep! See you at breakfast!"

He probably won't ask again.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 04/02/2020 10:10

"Meanies" Hmm

Come on women, be nice

As usual.

itsmesoitis · 04/02/2020 10:25

I work in a company where the dinner thing is pretty much an expectation if you are staying in the same hotel as colleagues.

Sometimes it's really enjoyable, sometimes it is the last thing you want to do!

Judge it on the day... 'Sorry, I have some things I need to catch up on for tomorrow - I'm just eating in my room' is a perfectly valid excuse.

And not to hi-jack the thread but.... @BigFatLiar as a woman who has traveled weekly for work for the last 15 years if any male colleague had ever said they didn't want to have dinner with me because it was inappropriate I would have found the comment utterly ridiculous, been gob-smacked and more than a little offended he saw me as no more than a predator or conquest!

Two professional people eating together whatever their gender shouldn't be inappropriate!

billy1966 · 04/02/2020 10:31

Perfectly reasonable to say "thanks but I'm going to catch up on work and get an early night".

Also a good idea to have a reply ready to go!

maggieryan · 04/02/2020 10:38

Some of you are really horrible, she asked a question, why cant you just help with an answer, its reasonable to assume if two colleagues are together on a trip they might go to dinner together, shes not full of herself or anything, shes looking for an excuse. Best luck.

BigFatLiar · 04/02/2020 10:58

I spent a lot of time travelling for work sometimes Mon-Fri for weeks on end. Ended up spending more times with colleagues than my family at times. Made some good friends. We were never expected to spend our out of work time together it just seemed to happen. We were expected not to discuss work outside the office due to its nature. We did cinema, theatre, restaurants, bowling etc. Some of the people weren't even from the same business just in the same position, working away from home. It was ok, was fun but it wasn't home and family.

As for OH's view being ridiculous, I agree but then I won't force the issue. He's a bit (lot) introverted and on some of his early trips a couple of the ladies were a bit too full on. He found it easier to withdraw. I wouldn't criticize a woman being uncomfortable being expect to eat with a man she wasn't sure of so I supported his decision. He was fine with women he knew.

Brefugee · 04/02/2020 11:00

agree with @NightsOfCabiria here - it really depends what the trip is for, but in general when I'm travelling with colleagues we mostly come from all sorts of places, some I work with in the office, some from other places and often we'll be visiting customers.

Dinner and lunch are really good opportunities for networking and team building. they don't have to be 6 hour long sessions - but it's always a good opportunity to get the low-down on what's going on.

I usually put up with a couple per trip, otherwise I just keep it simple with something like "sorry, I'm not feeling up to it tonight" or something. The truth without being rude. Most people are ok with that. (also I want to work for a company that pays for room service meals. Ours won't - restaurant, bar, outside hotel, inside hotel all fine. Just not room service Sad)

itsmesoitis · 04/02/2020 11:05

@BigFatLiar Just to be really clear - it's not the not eating with someone that I have any objection to.

You are of course 200% right that no one irrespective of their gender should be forced to eat with someone who made them feel uncomfortable but 'just saying it's inappropriate' is really offensive to the woman involved and in general. Believe me it's hard enough sometimes!

FlowerArranger · 04/02/2020 11:07

When my OH used to travel if he was with a female colleague he made a point of not eating with them in the evening if they were alone. No problem telling them, he simply said it was inappropriate.

Inappropriate? Shock Is your Husband Mike Pence?

I very much doubt he wants to dine with you. Just a feeling I have.

My feeling exactly... Grin

BestOption · 04/02/2020 11:11

Honestly, if someone can’t politely say ‘No thank you’ to a colleague suggesting eating together, one wonders if that person should actually be on a ‘business’ trip.

PooWillyBumBum · 04/02/2020 11:17

When DH stayed away he’d eat with colleagues maybe once a week. It’s totally fine to do your own thing.

Just say “I’m actually planning on a quiet night alone in my room but I hope you enjoy your dinner!”. It doesn’t have to be a Thing.

Juliette20 · 04/02/2020 11:38

Don't assume that he wants to meet up. Just do your own thing.

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 04/02/2020 11:51

I just do a breezy "I'm going for a run, and might see you later" and off I go.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 04/02/2020 12:18

Come on women, be nice

To each other, what's wrong with that?Confused