Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have dinner with a colleague?

167 replies

AgeLikeWine · 03/02/2020 19:04

I’m going on a business trip this week. A colleague who works in a different department happens to be going to the same place as me at the same time. We will be travelling on the same flights, working in the same office and staying at the same hotel.

I do know this guy, but we are not friends, and I would prefer not to meet up with him for dinner in the evenings. I’m looking forward to some relaxed me-time, perhaps enjoying dinner with my book or having a take-away in my room rather than making awkward small talk over dinner.

AIBU to make it clear that I don’t want to meet up, and what would be the most tactful & diplomatic way to do so?

OP posts:
Angelw · 03/02/2020 21:34

I Really can’t believe you’re stressing about it but I understand. Plenty of useful advice above to go with.

ChristmasCarcass · 03/02/2020 21:34

The OP has no idea that this man wants to eat with her, I doubt he does

More than likely not, but he might well feel obliged to offer as they are both staying in the same hotel. I would’ve certainly be spending the taxi ride back to the hotel thinking “should I offer? Will I look rude if I run off to my room as soon as we arrive?”.

OP is just looking for a polite way of saying “god, no!”. I am sure he will be relieved too, so even more reason not to accidentally insult him.

Original poster
AgeLikeWine · 03/02/2020 21:35

Thanks Blacksack.

You’re spot on. Extroverts dictate the social ‘norms’ which introverts often struggle with. Alone ≠ lonely.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 03/02/2020 21:38

Why the need to check with an OH for a male opinion? Their opinion isn't relevant. OP feels the way she does and perhaps she'd feel the same if it were a female colleague?

Some people do not want to be flung together for dinner just because they're colleagues in the same place at the same time. OP just wanted some useful responses 'just in case' to keep up her sleeve.

Thank fuck that some posters came to her rescue (and mine). Confused

IShouldBeSoLurky · 03/02/2020 21:39

Pre-empt it. “So good to see you today, Simon! Wasn’t xxxx session fascinating? I’m going to FaceTime my kids, order room service and get an early night so shall we regroup over breakfast?” He’ll be as relieved as you are - especially if he is planning to shag someone on his work jolly and won’t be wasting time on you.

polkadotpj · 03/02/2020 21:42

I’m away right now and thrilled to have been in my own room on my own tonight. Tomorrow I’ve been told I’m going out. It’s a given that our teams meet up/ eat dinner if in the same hotel. Sometimes you meet a cool new contact but other times it’s tedious. You can easily make your excuses if you’ve planned what to say. I’ve left tomorrow too late unless I get a headache...

Smartanimal · 03/02/2020 21:44

Just tell him you have a very complicated diet and anyway you were planning on watching porn with a male escort, then sleep like a baby thank you very much. That will shut him up.

Russellbrandshair · 03/02/2020 21:50

I agree with the wait and see approach. I don’t agree with these preemptive ideas - eg “Hello, I’m just going to FaceTime my 7 foot linebacker boyfriend who has a black belt btw, what are you doing for dinner?” I’d presume someone was a bit unhinged if they assumed I wanted to dine with them and clearly had a ready made story to insert before I’d even said anything. This doesn’t have to be a big deal, so don’t make it into one. Say nothing. If he asks then just say you want an early night. That’s it. You really don’t need to come up with some elaborate excuse. In fact, that just makes you come across as a bit socially weird, a simple “I’m having an early night” is fine. But I doubt you’ll even need to use it.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 03/02/2020 21:52

@Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze has it spot on - I've had quite a few awkward occasions where colleagues have expected to share lifts/meals/whatever just because we're in the same place at the same time. Forced company gets right on my wick so I've learned a few polite-but-firm ways out:

"Oh thanks for the offer of a lift share but I'm [insert detour reason here] but thanks anyway"

"I don't know what train I'll be catching yet" or "I always love a train journey to switch off and catch up with my reading!"

"I'm bushed so I'm going to get room service and crash out/catch up on stuff/whatever. Thanks anyway!"

Extroverts don't get that they aren't doing introverts a favour by keeping them company, and some (not all!) can be pretty thick skinned about it, which is further complicated when you don't know someone well enough to tell them to sod off AND it's someone you're going to have to work alongside. So YANBU to have planned your escape in advance!

elessar · 03/02/2020 21:54

@BigFatLiar inappropriate to have a meal alone with a female colleague, really?

I've often travelled for work and normally meet for dinner with colleagues - frequently it would just be myself and another (married) male colleague. Nothing odd or inappropriate about it, we're just colleagues - just have a meal, friendly chat and head to bed.

Anyway OP in your shoes just as everyone else has said - say you're going to get an early night and room service because you're knackered - if he says anything, which he might not. It's no big deal.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 03/02/2020 21:56

Napkin phobia.

BigFatLiar · 03/02/2020 21:58

BigFatLiar inappropriate to have a meal alone with a female colleague, really?

In the same way that some women are uneasy with men my OH is uneasy being on his own with a strange woman (one he isn't already a friend with) - took ages for use to get together.

GlitteryGracie · 03/02/2020 22:00

The truth is a winner here, you don't get much time alone and are really looking forward to some me time. It's completely fine to say that, smile...,. Wish him a good evening. Don't get into convoluted excuses, you don't need them.

livefornaps · 03/02/2020 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SluggishSnail · 03/02/2020 22:18

I'm out on a business trip next week and staying in an Airbnb with my boss! It's not dodgy, it's a 2 bed, 2 bathroom place, but I will end up spending a lot of time with him: breakfast (before meetings), lunch with clients, and definitely dinner in the evening. Early bedtime will be the best I can manage to get some time alone, but the trip is to the US, so we will probably go to bed at 9pm and get up at 5am...….

Thinkingabout1t · 03/02/2020 22:20

Nothing odd about one colleague suggesting dinner together, or for the other to prefer dining alone! So you’re just being sensible, OP, having a polite excuse ready in case you’re asked.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 03/02/2020 22:23

Why would you say that, livefornaps?

Jesus.

whyamidoingthis · 03/02/2020 22:24

I can only assume those who are making all the nasty comments to the op have never actually travelled for work. It's perfectly normal, and often expected, that you will eat with your colleagues when away.

OP - you've had loads of good suggestions. I also agree re extroverts thinking they are doing you a favour. No, I do not need company, thank you very much.

I once opted out of an organised group meal on the first night of a work related event. It was loads of people I either didn't know at all or barely knew, and as I had had a long journey that day, I decided to take off to a local restaurant with a book. Except I didn't know I was getting an award at the dinner (they don't tell you in advance). Oops. Kind of obvious I'd skived off.

C8H10N4O2 · 03/02/2020 22:25

It would be great if he didn’t want to meet up, but I need a plan for what to say if he does, which I think is more likely

Do you have any reason to think he will?

If he does, why is it a problem to simply say 'have other plans".

I've never had problems saying the latter, nor have my colleagues if they want to spend the evening eating takeaway in pyjamas with Netflix.

I generally assume suggestions that you say your male partner won't approve or men/women should not eat at the same table in a hotel are from people who don't travel much for work. Its just silly.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 03/02/2020 22:29

She's just worried about coming across as rude.

NoSauce · 03/02/2020 22:30

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe jeez you’re on form today!

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 03/02/2020 22:33

Lying is 100% spot on.

Logfootlightoe · 03/02/2020 22:34

It’s fine to tell him you’ve got stuff to do, friends to meet, or just want to do your own thing. That’s if he even asks you if you want to have dinner one night... if you don’t ask him there’s a good chance he won’t ask you...

NightsOfCabiria · 03/02/2020 22:35

Christ, I wouldnt have got far in my work life if I’d refused to have breakfast/lunch/dinner with a male colleague. That’s when all the truths are told and the real decisions are made and more importantly, proper bonds are made.

Bouledeneige · 03/02/2020 22:41

I'm surprised you might find this difficult. Do you always usually say yes to anyone else's suggestions whether you want to or not? Still you've been offered lots of good suggestions/excuses to make.

I travel a lot on my own and room service or dining alone can get a bit boring. I'm not sure how long you're there though - if it was 3 or 4 nights I wouldn't rule out having company. Eating out on your own can take all of 40 minutes and you might feel you're missing out on going to more interesting places. Just a thought.