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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have dinner with a colleague?

167 replies

AgeLikeWine · 03/02/2020 19:04

I’m going on a business trip this week. A colleague who works in a different department happens to be going to the same place as me at the same time. We will be travelling on the same flights, working in the same office and staying at the same hotel.

I do know this guy, but we are not friends, and I would prefer not to meet up with him for dinner in the evenings. I’m looking forward to some relaxed me-time, perhaps enjoying dinner with my book or having a take-away in my room rather than making awkward small talk over dinner.

AIBU to make it clear that I don’t want to meet up, and what would be the most tactful & diplomatic way to do so?

OP posts:
Casualbride · 03/02/2020 19:49

Omg BigFatLiar, does your husband really tell people it would be inappropriate for them to eat a meal together?? That’s quite odd. Would he only say that to a woman? What if it was a lesbian woman or a gay man, would that be inappropriate too?

I think fair enough make an excuse or just say you need some down time, but don’t tell them it would inappropriate. That’s a really strange way to think (unless they were suggesting dining in a strip club or something...that would be inappropriate!)

FrivolousPancake · 03/02/2020 19:49

🤣 people on here can’t stand anyone having “notions”

Presumably if the OP took the time to post there’s probably a slight chance she has a better insight into the situation!

sussexman · 03/02/2020 19:52

Why do you think he will ask @AgeLikeWine? Is there some history here?

If I knew any colleague was flying in and staying in the same hotel as me I'd obviously ping them to see if they wanted to catch up, but it would be an entirely optional thing. I'd expect the same from them TBH. As others have said a polite 'I'm doing something else' is fine, indeed, most likely, expected. I don't get why this is a big deal?

NoSauce · 03/02/2020 19:52

I very much doubt he wants to dine with you. Just a feeling I have
Did you mean to be such a nasty caahh?

Not nasty at all. I agree.

Itstheprinciple · 03/02/2020 19:54

He'll probably ask as he'll think it's polite to do so. He'll probably be glad when you politely decline. All will be well.

OneKeyAtATime · 03/02/2020 19:55

Why is it inappropriate to dine with a female colleague? I would be pretty offended if a colleague told me it was inappropriate to dine with me. Couldn't care less though if they said they wanted to be on their own.

IHateUserName · 03/02/2020 19:56

I find some of the "what makes you think he wants to eat with you..." comments rather nasty. The underlying tone seems to be telling the op not to be so vain as to assume her colleague will want to spend time with her to begin with...

CoffeeCoinneseur · 03/02/2020 19:58

I'd preempt him asking by bringing it up beforehand, at the airport or on the flight...

"I can't wait for a night to myself, room service, a long bath and a good book, bliss".

RIBlue · 03/02/2020 19:59

I generally claim to know someone in the area (to be fair my old Uni lot are fairly spread around the world) so say I’m catching up with friends for dinner. Sometimes it’s true, sometimes not!

IntermittentParps · 03/02/2020 19:59

NoSauce, how do you construe that as not a nasty comment? Genuine question.

tigger1001 · 03/02/2020 20:00

I would think it would be normal to ask if they wanted to eat together. I am with the op though - some quiet time would my preference. I think it's ok to say , sorry am going to wait until I've had a call from home/ going to work on for a bit in my room etc,

As for the poster saying her husband says no as it's inappropriate- he thinks a lot of himself!! Colleagues are perfectly able to eat together without it being inappropriate.

AppropriateAdult · 03/02/2020 20:02

Are you married to Mike Pence, BigFatLiar? Grin

Member869894 · 03/02/2020 20:04

I would preempt the whole thing by 'accidentally' bumping into him at work and gush about how much you are looking forward to nights away from your family in blissful solitude eating alone and catching up on your beauty sleep/favourite book etc

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 03/02/2020 20:04

OP I get you, despite all the catty comments.
It just seems to be the done thing if colleagues are travelling to the same place. I come home exhausted after just a few days because of the constant social interaction!

I can't get out of all of it, but I do clearly say I'll be taking a few hours downtime between work and dinner, and I also make my excuses for early nights here I can too.

BigFatLiar · 03/02/2020 20:06

You're not friends. He works in a different department, is it just coincidence he'll be there. It may be you don't actually see each other and if you're not friends he may have no interest in meeting you for a meal.

Omg BigFatLiar, does your husband really tell people it would be inappropriate for them to eat a meal together?? That’s quite odd. Would he only say that to a woman? What if it was a lesbian woman or a gay man, would that be inappropriate too?

He wouldn't say it like that he'd just tell them he didn't want to eat with them. It's me he tells that he thinks it inappropriate (though he has no problem with me eating with whoever I want to when I go away). His thoughts are theres no real defence against a claim of sexual misbehaviour so he just removes himself from the situation. No issue when its a group.
He's not too worried about how it comes across, hes on a business trip not a date.

agonyauntie2020 · 03/02/2020 20:09

Just be honest "I have some things to catch up with and I'm really looking forward to some quiet evenings in my room" IF he asks - there's never an expectation you spend your free time with colleagues while on business trips, in my experience.

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 03/02/2020 20:09

I think you're overthinking this to be honest. It probably hasn't even crossed his mind.

Anyway, who knows. You might get bored and want a bit of a chinwag with someone in a familiar surrounding. Or not! You do you.

BigFatLiar · 03/02/2020 20:10

Are you married to Mike Pence, BigFatLiar

Who's Mike Pence?

Episcomama · 03/02/2020 20:13

Who's Mike Pence?

Dear Lord...

Sophiesdog2020 · 03/02/2020 20:13

BigFatLiar - why does your DH feel it is inappropriate to eat with a lone female colleague on a business trip? Does he think they all want to jump into bed with him? I thought such sexist/misogynist views were left in the 60s/70s.

I work in a very male dominated industry, have been doing business trips since early 80s, some for just 1 night, some over a week or more - some alone, occasionally in a mixed group, but usually with me as the only female. I have managed to always eat with my male colleagues without falling into bed with them and would actually be affronted if a male colleague told me it was inappropriate for us to have a meal together.

If they were tired or wanted some chill time, no problem, but it is certainly not inappropriate...

It’s pretty normal to eat together when traveling with a colleague. This is certainly the norm in my company, part of a global Multi-national. The second-from-top global executive is a female from my office who obviously travels extensively. I wonder if any male colleague has ever told her that it is inappropriate for them to eat together because she is female - I suspect anyone who has, is long gone from the business, such views are just not tolerated.

Op, just say you are too tired and would like to eat alone, no need to make a fuss. But you know, sometimes eating with colleagues can be interesting!

agonyauntie2020 · 03/02/2020 20:16

@AppropriateAdult
Are you married to Mike Pence, @BigFatLiar?

www.newyorker.com/culture/jia-tolentino/mike-pences-marriage-and-the-beliefs-that-keep-women-from-power

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 03/02/2020 20:17

I used to travel a lot for work, and would always say I was looking forward to room service and then a long bath, because I only had a shower at home - which wasn’t true - if I didn’t want to eat with a colleague. I did, however, always offer a coffee/drink beforehand, instead of dinner, which felt like a fair compromise.

BennytheBall · 03/02/2020 20:17

Who's Mike Pence?

Is that a joke?

TechnicalSergeantGarp · 03/02/2020 20:18

If I don't fancy eating with colleague (male or female), I'd just say "not sure what your plans are for dinner, I have a presentation to prepare so am stopping off straight from the office, getting room service or takeaway". I'd probably let them know what time I was intending to go for breakfast so they could join if they wanted to (if I was feeling sociable).

I'm female and meet male colleagues for dinner when working away at the same location. I'd be really surprised if someone said co-ed evening meals were inappropriate. For colleagues I know well, I'd say I wanted to eat between 6 and 8PM so I'd have time alone.

In my company it's kind of expected that you'd dine with colleagues or at the very least have a conversation about it. For my team, my view is it's up to them, they aren't being paid and it's their own time.

Genderwitched · 03/02/2020 20:18

Wow, some people on here really don't think that women should have ideas above their station at all, do they.

I'm with you OP, I would probably not want to feel obliged to have to eat with an acquaintance when I was looking forward to some time on my own either. And I would not want to offend.

I would probably use the headache, or extra work excuse.