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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have dinner with a colleague?

167 replies

AgeLikeWine · 03/02/2020 19:04

I’m going on a business trip this week. A colleague who works in a different department happens to be going to the same place as me at the same time. We will be travelling on the same flights, working in the same office and staying at the same hotel.

I do know this guy, but we are not friends, and I would prefer not to meet up with him for dinner in the evenings. I’m looking forward to some relaxed me-time, perhaps enjoying dinner with my book or having a take-away in my room rather than making awkward small talk over dinner.

AIBU to make it clear that I don’t want to meet up, and what would be the most tactful & diplomatic way to do so?

OP posts:
NomNomNomNom · 03/02/2020 20:20

You definitely can't preemptively tell him you don't want dinner as in all likelihood he doesn't either. In my experience most people don't relish the idea of an awkward dinner with a colleague they're not friends with.

NoSauce · 03/02/2020 20:20

Wow, some people on here really don't think that women should have ideas above their station at all, do they

It’s nothing to do with that. The OP has no idea that this man wants to eat with her, I doubt he does.

ShamefulBlanket · 03/02/2020 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Squirrelblanket · 03/02/2020 20:28

I do a lot of work travel and frequently end up staying in the same hotel as a colleague (we use a particular one). I've found that in most cases people actually do expect to eat together! So I don't think it's weird that the OP has asked.

I'm unsociable and have zero wish to eat with colleagues after work. I usually just cheerfully say, 'I'm sorry, I have plans! I hope you have a lovely evening though!' and leave it at that. It's never been an issue.

cybergran · 03/02/2020 20:28

I think the op fancies this bloke and is concerned she won't be able to control herself.

be free op... shag his brains out

just make sure he is aware that what happens in that hotel, stays in that hotel.

don't forget to shave your legs and take condoms :-)

Genderwitched · 03/02/2020 20:28

The OP has no idea that this man wants to eat with her, I doubt he does.

You don't know this, neither possibly, does the OP. She was merely asking for ideas should the situation arise, nothing presumptuous at all. This thread could have appeared in the 1950's

BigFatLiar · 03/02/2020 20:31

I don’t want to meet up, and what would be the most tactful & diplomatic way to do so?
Initially I'd say wait and see if he says anything. He may not ask. Don't assume he wants to spend time with you. Does he know you'll be there?

Sorry everyone I had no idea who that Pence character was/is.

managedmis · 03/02/2020 20:36

What do YOU think you should do, op?

5zeds · 03/02/2020 20:36

He asks, you say no thanks....seriously this IS NOT a difficult one

Sindragosan · 03/02/2020 20:37

It would be considered odd not to at least offer to have dinner together if you were both travelling to the same place. If you're there more than one night, I don't think dinner one night would be unreasonable, and then you can happily be busy all the other nights. An early dinner should still leave plenty of time for relaxing.

Original poster
AgeLikeWine · 03/02/2020 20:42

Thanks for all the replies, even the ones which think I’m being presumptuous Smile. Maybe I am, we’ll see, but in my experience it’s normal for two colleagues to have dinner together in similar circumstances, if the alternative is eating separately and alone.

I will adopt a ‘wait & see’ approach, and will claim to be busy, knackered or both (rather than admitting to being anti-social) if he suggests eating together.

OP posts:
EUnamechange · 03/02/2020 20:42

It's very very common to meet up for dinner with a colleague (or whatever gender), when travelling for work. It's a good opportunity to finalise/plan the approach to negotiations for the next day etc, also a good chance to get to know someone away from the actual work. Once you've had a meal/drinks with someone, it's much easier to work with them in the future, especially if you're doing things over phone/email. I work in diplomacy, and it's well known that the information exchanged/agreements made over more relaxed dinner/drinks are far more useful than the dry meetings themselves.

I also cannot imagine any of my male contacts or colleagues refusing to dine tete a tete with me just because I'm a woman. I've worked all over the world for decades and am frequently the only woman. I've so far managed to avoid any accusations of improper behaviour!

I can appreciate the OP wanting a night off, in which case saying you've got slide to write/work to do will be accepted. Only thing to be careful of is whether your organisation considers the evenings to be part of the work. I'd love to have a night off and early bed when travelling away from DH and DC, but to get the full benefit of the business trip, the evening meal is key.

EUnamechange · 03/02/2020 20:44

I'm also often grateful not to dine alone, as that means eating in my room and stinking it out, or dining at the hotel or a restaurant, and unfortunately a woman dining alone is considered fair game for local men/sleazy bar lizards in some places.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 03/02/2020 20:46

I don’t really see the big deal. I’d be itching to have a night to myself in a hotel room away from family responsibilities. Room service, a bath, tv to myself and an early night of uninterrupted sleep sounds like quite the luxury, so it’s quite alright to just say that, I would have thought!

I think some employees need to consider that actually, some people are introverts, and if after a full day’s work and travelling, they feel like some time to themselves that in no way means they’re not a team player or some such shite as is often implied or hinted at on these things.

I get that it might be more difficult if a group of you are away and EVERYONE is going out for a curry or something and you’re the only one not going. But this is different. I think an explanation of wanting the down time as I’ve described and then a “i’ll See you at breakfast if you like?” is fine. But if it was a colleague I didn’t really like I wouldn’t even say that.

DH is away a LOT. He loves going out for a meal in a big group as he doesn’t really go out that much at home, he had a busy life and not much time to socialise with friends so tends to just socialise with us really and that does him. So he quite likes it when there’s a group of colleagues going out. If he was on his own with just one other colleague he’d never feel like he HAD to spend the evening them.

Doobigetta · 03/02/2020 20:46

It would be really obvious what you’re doing if you trot out an elaborate excuse about looking forward to a bath before he has even said anything. There’s no reason to make the poor guy feel small when he’s probably just being polite. Just wait until he asks and then say that you’re really tired so you were planning to just get a sandwich in your room and you’ll see him tomorrow.

KatyCarrCan · 03/02/2020 20:49

Will the company expect you to eat together? If you 'are not friends', is he likely to report back that you opted out of dinner and will that be seen as unprofessional?
I know I've had work trips with colleagues where opting out of dinner would have raised a question about team working and commitment.

mynamesmrdiggety · 03/02/2020 20:51

'Ah thanks but I need to catch up on some work/FaceTime the kids/ prep for tomorrow'

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 03/02/2020 20:57

Bless the silly posters who want to slap OP down for daring to suppose that a man might want to spend time with her. Says a huge amount about your lack of ability to understand how things are for some women in the workplace. Pathetic.

OP - I get it. I have the same issue. You just want a foolproof rejoinder to prevent this man from encroaching on your meal times. I think the suggestion of telling him that you'll 'see him tomorrow' in a matter of fact manner, coupled with the 'want to skype home and then relax' is a good move.

Keep the 'room service ordering' as back-up in case he comes back to you with 'you have to eat...!'. Don't respond as I did with, 'I'd rather starve'.

MimiLaRue · 03/02/2020 21:05

I wouldn't worry about this. Just dont mention meeting up. IF he does and you are assuming he will, just say "no thanks, I'm really tired and just need to relax tonight". Thats it. No drama, no awkwardness.

ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 03/02/2020 21:11

Tell him your 6ft 4 kickboxer boyfriend wouldn’t like it?
Only joking, just tell him you plan having room service and an early night!

BigFatLiar · 03/02/2020 21:17

When working away I wouldn't have expected to dine with others from the same company if they were in different depts, ie not direct colleagues, unless I knew them personally.

WingingIt101 · 03/02/2020 21:17

As someone that travels regularly for work I totally get this!

Firstly don’t bring it up unless he says something first
Just say good bye at the end of the day as you would if you were leaving your normal office.

If he then suggests something I’d have a few non committal brush offs ready like “oh I’m knackered actually! Going to have a room service burger and an early night I think, thanks for thinking of me though!” Or “I’ve got some admin to catch up on so will be logged on back in my room for a bit, go ahead without me” or “ahh I promised to FaceTime dh/dd/dm tonight, sorry!” he will likely get the message if he keeps asking and you keep saying no.
Alternatively you could go straight in with “oh that’s so lovely of you to suggest something but I’m going to say no thanks - I quite like the idea of a few days chilled evenings with my own company whilst I’m away from usual home stuff!

BigFatLiar · 03/02/2020 21:21

I will adopt a ‘wait & see’ approach, and will claim to be busy, knackered or both (rather than admitting to being anti-social) if he suggests eating together.

Thats best. Then you can just say no thanks after all if he does ask it may just be because he thinks its expected and actually be thinking 'that the lord for that'.

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 03/02/2020 21:24

I understand exactly how you feel OP. It’s an introvert / extrovert thing. If your colleague is an extrovert, he might find it expected / more relaxing to have dinner together. He might think of it as lonely or “a waste” to sit in a hotel room rather than having a chat over dinner with a colleague, whereas if you’re an introvert you will be relishing that time, and also thinking ahead (as you are) for a response so that you can start thinking of it as guaranteed. It could be vital to your making the most of the trip to have time to recharge alone before the next day.

As the world is set up for the convenience of extroverts, it’s natural that introverts always feel we have to explain ourselves.

YANBU at all. It says much more about the posters who have called you presumptuous than it does you that they have responded in this way.

BigFatLiar · 03/02/2020 21:33

Mentioned this to OH and not knowing anything about your 'not a friend'
he mentioned there's football and snooker on the telly this week, dinner with you may not be as attractive as an evening in the bar watching sport and drinking beer.